I'm calling off my wedding last minute because of a small incident. Cold feet?

[cold_feet]

I was supposed to fly to another country this week get married to my best friend of 13 years. Before Saturday I was absolutely sure that he was the one. He has everything I have wanted in a companion. But this Saturday there was an incident that made me change my mind. Am I having cold feet or are my reasons valid?

 

My boyfriend knows that if there is one thing that I cannot deal with it is dishonesty. On Saturday, he told me he was going out with friends. He's in the military and if he gets into any kind of trouble, he runs the risk of not being able to go on leave while I am over there. We had discussed this and he reassured me that he would not put himself in any situation where he would run that risk. He told me he would stay at the club on base and have some drinks with his friends. But he didn't do this. He went off base, didn't return until 6 am and accompanied his drunk friends to some questionable places. I was upset even though he promised me that he didn't do anything wrong, and that he stayed out of trouble. But I feel like he lied to me and I am upset that he wasn't thinking about the risk he was taking by going out there. He recognizes that although he stayed out of trouble, he should have stuck to our agreement. I ask him why he did this and he says he doesn't know and I think that's bull****.

 

What runs through my mind is that he didn't care about the risk he was taking, that he fell into peer pressure, and that he doesn't understand that the worst part of all of this is that he didn't follow through with the commitment he had made with me.

 

Had this incident happened a couple months ago, I would have worked through my feelings and I wouldn't have called the wedding off. But it happened a week before we were going to get married and if at this point, if he is not ready to follow through with commitments he makes to me; if he is going to fall into peer pressur, and if he is going to neglect the effects that his actions could have on our relationship, he's not the person I want to marry.

 

Am I over reacting or is this a valid reason to call the whole thing off?

[Patty]

I dont think your over reacting.Its better to find out now,then after your married.

 

Patty

[quankanne]

was this a "bachelor party" of sorts for him? Might explain why he did something boneheaded like exposing himself to potential problems.

 

Now, pre-wedding jitters aren't uncommon, but you need to sit down and think about this incident in context of your whole relationship with him. Does he do stuff like this on a regular basis? Or was this an isolated incident in the whole time you've known him? if so, what was the motivating factor -- was it a one-time thing?

 

maybe you should think about postponing the wedding until you have a clearer idea/picture of what's going on, if he does this because he's there and you're here, or if it was something out of the norm for him.

[cold_feet]

I forgot to mention that in his effort to convince me to change my mind he has promised me that he will do what ever it takes to regain my trust. He is willing to sacrifice his social life completely in order to demonstrate his full commitment to me. I am sure that he will do everything he says, but I'm not sure that I want him to change his lifestyle for me. What if he regrets it in the future?

[cold_feet]

This wasn't his bachelor party although it was his last night out as a single guy. But I asked him if this was the reason and he said no. I would have understood if that's what was going through his head, but he says it wasn't.

 

This is definitely a one time thing. He is always honest about what he does or is going to do even when he knows that I'm not going to be too happy about it. And he completely recognizes that he made a mistake and that it won't happen again. My problem is that I feel like he realized it only because of my reaction. Does this mean that I'm going to have to teach him what's right and wrong? I want to marry someone who already knows simple things like this.

[moimeme]

You have known this man 13 years, he does this one thing, and you decide it is indicative of his entire character?

 

Yes, I think you are over-reacting. Or perhaps you don't really want to marry him and seized on the first excuse that came along. You are investing far too much significance into this event, particularly after 13 years. There's a reason for that. Only you can tease it out of your psyche. But if you have not managed to learn to trust this man in 13 years, I think you probably ought not marry him.