Can I improve a toxic relationship with my mother? Desperate for help!

[midhere]

I am female in my 40s struggling with "mother issue" for as long as I can remember. My mother had me in her late 20s while married to my dad who died in an accident when I was 2 years old. After my dad passed away, my mom couldn't raise me by herself and had me living with my grandmother until I was 12 years old. During my childhood, she lived in a different city and I got to see my mom once a year around Chinese new year holiday. When she came back, I would live with her, my step-dad, and my younger sister for a while. I always know my mom was not happy with my dad since they fought all the time. My mom has always been overly protective over me and told me how much she loved me.

 

When I was 12, I moved from my grandmother's house to live with my parents and my younger sister. I did not like living with them at all mostly because I did not know how to deal with the daily fight and my mother's being so unhappy. I tried everything I can do to cheer up my mom. I did housework, help her with my sister, and massage her for her body aches. (I remember it because I would do it to the point my hands hurt so badly that I can't move anymore.)

 

When I get into the "troubled" teenager years, I grew to hate my mom for her selfishness and meanness, and I know it was very wrong. I blame myself so badly and I would write in my diary that "I love my mom" for a hundred time to convince myself that I do love my mom. There were lots of tear and fights until I moved out of the house for college.

 

Now that we live in different cities, and I always thought I should be disengaged and moved on. I do call her every other week to see if they are okay. I do send her money which she really likes. Very often I feel hopeless for the fact that I was never able to make her happy, feel sorry for her life, feel the guilt of not doing more for her, feel mad for the fact she always demand more.. It can be so overwhelming and painful.

 

Would it be easier as I age? Would it ever stop bothering me? What is it I can do to feel better?

[lonelypiscesguy]

This may not help, but I had a VERY dysfunctional, selfish mother. As a teenager, she chose cocaine and her coke dealer boyfriend over me. We reconnected when she quit, but I have never been able to get along with her. I quit talking to her about 5 years ago and couldn't be happier. Sometimes I get envious when I see parents interacting with their children so wonderfully, but I had to get them out of my life for my peace of mind (Haven't spoken to my "father" in over 15 years. It's not your fault she is a mess. "This above all, to thine own self be true." Hamlets father's advice to Hamlet.

[gonewiththe_wind]

I am female in my 40s struggling with "mother issue" for as long as I can remember. My mother had me in her late 20s while married to my dad who died in an accident when I was 2 years old. After my dad passed away, my mom couldn't raise me by herself and had me living with my grandmother until I was 12 years old. During my childhood, she lived in a different city and I got to see my mom once a year around Chinese new year holiday. When she came back, I would live with her, my step-dad, and my younger sister for a while. I always know my mom was not happy with my dad since they fought all the time. My mom has always been overly protective over me and told me how much she loved me.

 

When I was 12, I moved from my grandmother's house to live with my parents and my younger sister. I did not like living with them at all mostly because I did not know how to deal with the daily fight and my mother's being so unhappy. I tried everything I can do to cheer up my mom. I did housework, help her with my sister, and massage her for her body aches. (I remember it because I would do it to the point my hands hurt so badly that I can't move anymore.)

 

When I get into the "troubled" teenager years, I grew to hate my mom for her selfishness and meanness, and I know it was very wrong. I blame myself so badly and I would write in my diary that "I love my mom" for a hundred time to convince myself that I do love my mom. There were lots of tear and fights until I moved out of the house for college.

 

Now that we live in different cities, and I always thought I should be disengaged and moved on. I do call her every other week to see if they are okay. I do send her money which she really likes. Very often I feel hopeless for the fact that I was never able to make her happy, feel sorry for her life, feel the guilt of not doing more for her, feel mad for the fact she always demand more.. It can be so overwhelming and painful.

 

Would it be easier as I age? Would it ever stop bothering me? What is it I can do to feel better?

 

have you ever told her how you feel? sometimes there will only be progress in a relationship when there is open and honest communication. Probably doesnt matter if she would change, but may make you happier if you got it off your chest?

[midhere]

have you ever told her how you feel? sometimes there will only be progress in a relationship when there is open and honest communication. Probably doesnt matter if she would change, but may make you happier if you got it off your chest?

 

I didn't think she could handle it. Instead of stressing her out with all these "honest feedbacks", I thought I could find a way to deal with it better myself.

[Tony T]

I didn't think she could handle it. Instead of stressing her out with all these "honest feedbacks", I thought I could find a way to deal with it better myself.

 

If you don't want to involve your mother in the process then you already have the power to deal with it yourself simply by deciding you aren't going to let things bother you. The ONLY way others' behavior can affect you is if you give them the POWER to do so. Reclaim the power you have generously given your mother to make your life miserable and then never, ever give it back to her and you will be fine. That's the ONLY way you will be able to do this unilaterally.

 

Shut your eyes, imagine your mother in front of you, and tell her you are taking back all the power you have given her to affect your life in any way, emotionally and physically. Be very clear about that. The stick to the program.

[midhere]

This is helpful. Thank you. It feels like you are in a war with yourself all the time though.

[missdependant]

I don't know that you can completely get past the issues by yourself. I think you should confront her and let her know how you feel about her. You should not send her money or do her the favors you're doing, because like Tony T said, you are only giving her more power over you.

 

I, too have a very strange mother who abandoned me, and came in and out of my life as she pleased. When I grew up, I treated it like any other relationship and went no-contact with her for a while. When we did start talking, it was because she was divorcing her husband. She has always blamed their divorce on me. She even blamed me for his abusiveness toward me (sexual, physical and emotional abuse that I've only BARELY overcome).

 

Finally, I did confront her and let her know how hurtful it was to me that she would hold me (as a child) accountable for everything that went wrong in her life. She got mad, and things were tense, so we stopped talking again. Finally, after a few years she sent me a very long apology letter.

 

We talk now, but I view her as more of a friend than a mother. I don't think we will EVER have a mother-daughter relationship. This is something you develop at a young age. Do you feel close with your grandmother at all?

 

It is a very lonely place knowing that your mother is such a monster, especially because this is the one person you're supposed to be able to rely on. We aren't trained to think our mothers are bad people. But that doesn't mean they don't do bad things. And when you do something bad that that hurts someone (even if it's unintended), you should apologize even if it's your own child).

 

Support groups and counseling were very necessary for me.

 

Your mother owes you an apology.. and this was my approach to it.

 

Otherwise you can take the simple approach that Tony T suggested.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

You want to do all those things for your mother and that your mother is going to love you for it.

 

But I'm sure that you did make her happy when you helped her and gave her massages.

 

Just know that love takes time to grow and you spent a long time with your grandparents.

 

Just have some understanding and open mind when you talk to her.

 

Best to you.