Not In Love with Husband... Should I End It?

[luigie822]

I'm not in love with my husband anymore. We have grown apart, and there are parts of him that (once thought tolerable) I despise. I feel like I've grown and matured, while he's stuck in a rut. He has no interest in my interests/hobbies, despite that I try to encourage him to try new things so we can share something together. I have accepted his lack of interest, but resentfully so. I'm sad and lonely. I feel like we're not connecting anymore, and we haven't in a long time. My marriage to him has become a hindrance to my personal growth and development, which I also resent him for. I feel guilty for resenting him, which just makes me angry at myself. After all, I married him and I chose to be with him.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do love him. He's my best friend and I do not want to hurt him. However, I am not in love with him. His temper, inconsiderateness, immaturity, and selfishness have eroded the romantic feelings I once had for him. I have no attraction to him beyond a very close friend. We barely have sex -- maybe 1-2x per month. I simply don't feel any romantic or sexual attraction to him. He complains about our non-existent sex life, and I tell him the truth: how I feel about our relationship directly impacts my desire to be with him. I've explained why I feel the way I do, but he doesn't put forth any effort to change. I know I shouldn't expect him to change... but does that mean that I have to be stuck in a rut with him?

 

I'm 25 years old, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life "satisfied" with my husband. I want to be deeply, passionately in love with my husband and not be able to imagine my life without him. He's a great provider, responsible, funny, and I feel completely safe with him. But the spark is gone... there isn't any magic left to our relationship. It's mundane and frustrating.

 

So, do I play it safe and thank my lucky stars that I have a good man? Or do I risk losing my safe (yet unfulfilled) cocoon to venture out on my own in order to end this stagnant, dull commitment?

 

BTW - We don't have kids; our 3 year wedding anniversary is in May of this year.

[LonelyTiger]

Many people go through a phase of thinking 'they're not in love' any more. For some people it's true. For others it's just a phase and a symptom of something that needs sorting out in the relationship - when the closeness comes back so does the feeling of being 'in love'.

 

It seems you posted something very similar 18 months ago and things clearly haven't improved since then.

 

Only you can decide whether you're prepared to carry on living in an unsatisfying, mundane, frustrating, stagnant, dull marriage with a man who is inconsiderate, immature and selfish and for whom you feel no emotional or sexual attraction and no magic ....... all your words!

 

Seems like a 'no brainer' to me.

[JackJack]

3 years is not very long. How about going to marriage counseling together? Are you for that? Or is he? Do you feel if he would try, that you would be willing to as well, or do you feel it would be a lost cause and just a waste of time to try to re-connect again?

[carhill]

I'm 25 years old, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life "satisfied" with my husband. I want to be deeply, passionately in love with my husband and not be able to imagine my life without him. He's a great provider, responsible, funny, and I feel completely safe with him. But the spark is gone... there isn't any magic left to our relationship. It's mundane and frustrating.

 

Great intro at MC. Make that appointment on Monday

[Mr. Lucky]

There's an awful lot about how you feel in your post but not much sense conveyed of what it's like for your husband. For instance, why the focus on your interests and hobbies? What about his? Doesn't seem like the communication is there, so add me to the list recommending MC...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OneDayStartFresh]

It takes a while for women to feel hopeless and "fall out of love" with their husbands. I've been there. Things like hobbies and interests begin to look like a big deal when more important needs aren't being met.

 

If your husband is unwilling to change or is unwilling to address the issues at hand you may not be able to do much about it on your own.

 

I totally understand wanting to feel deeply in love with your husband. Truthfully I think long-term love evolves from infatuation to companionship. Of course the sparks are gone... Deep love turns into more a steady flame.

 

Can you pinpoint what you want/need out of your relationship? If you can describe it to him and if he can listen and try to understand/empathize then you have a shot at working it out.

 

It may take a long time to get to a point where you both want to work on it but you married him for a reason. If you can get past this then you can survive anything. Good luck.

[luigie822]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

We've gone to marriage counseling together before, actually 2 times since we've been married. Our relationship improved both times afterward, but it was short-lived. Maybe neither of us is willing to put forth the effort to implement a change and stick with it...?

 

OneDayStartFresh, I completely identify with you regarding hobbies/interests being a big deal when more important needs aren't being met. This is my way of maintaining a presence of fulfillment in my life. Regarding his interests, I have asked if I could be a part of a few... he just kind of laughs and blows it off. For example, he shoots trap league and I told him that I'd be willing to go with him to practice. He hasn't brought it up since. I have arranged fishing trips w/ my uncle so that he can get out to fish (otherwise he won't go). I've gone with and put forth the effort to enjoy myself, even though I really don't like fishing. I don't feel the enthusiasm from him of my joining him, and that dampens my enthusiasm to try. What's the point? He's obviously not interested.

 

We had a short heart-to-heart last night. He began by asking me if I wanted to get divorced. I told him that I'm not happy and I don't see things getting better. He said he thinks we should get divorced and I didn't disagree. Neither of us are happy or satisfied. He was drinking, and quickly the conversation turned into finger-pointing. After I told him that I don't want to fight, I just want to have a heart-to-heart with him, he kept bringing up the fact that we've never gone camping and that I don't want to go camping. Apparently our marriage was based on a foundation of lies because he had the impression I enjoy camping (not sure where he got that from), and we've never gone. At that point, I ended the conversation and went to bed in the guest room, where I've been sleeping all week. Note: he has never, ever suggested we go camping. He as a tent that he used years ago at a campground ONCE. I was seriously blind-sided when he brought that up!!

 

It felt like rationalizing with a 5-year-old who's throwing a tantrum. I can't deal with that kind of immaturity - he can't even hold an adult conversation for more than 10 minutes! I know it's mostly due to his drinking, but I am still very disappointed.

 

I'm not happy and he's not happy. We both want out. I guess I need to google "steps to divorce" and figure out where I'm going to move.

[carhill]

To bad he didn't learn better communicating tools in MC.

 

He's internalized. It's common, especially with men who, at a basic level think, if they're honest about their feelings, their wives will be angry with them, at the minimum, and leave them, at maximum. Fear is a powerful motivator to internalizing one's perspective. Add to that the typical male socialization against communicating emotion and you have a witches brew of issues.

 

Beware of a man who only can be emotional when he drinks. That's a tough bird. I've dealt with that with my male friends. It's like a torrent being unleashed. Again, this is where MC acts like a dam release gate, allowing releases of emotion in a more balanced and understandable fashion. This is why you couldn't figure out where the "camping" issue was coming from. I likely would've been too.

[LonelyTiger]

I'm so sorry that your heart to heart didn't go well luigie. I'm not at all surprised though. Going back again to your previous posts it sounds as though you've been unhappy in this marriage for a very long time and your husband doesn't appear to have made any effort to change.

 

People get married for many reasons. In the Western world it's usually about wanting a lifetime companion who you love and enjoy spending time with. Somebody you admire, who probably makes you feel good about yourself and offers you support and friendship. Somebody who will 'be there' for you no matter what. This doesn't seem to describe your marriage at all.

 

No marriage is perfect but most marriages are usually pretty good for the first few years - it only gets harder as children come along and other stresses get in the way. You're only 25 and you've only been married 3 years. You were already unhappy after 2 years and possibly before that - only you know the answer to that one.

 

I get the sense that you have really known what you want to do for some time, and that's why you've posted a few times, maybe hoping that somebody will agree with you or tell you what to do.

 

It isn't easy walking away from somebody you love and only you can make the final decision about what's the right thing for you.

 

I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

[Justanotherschmuck]

He is emotionally abusing you which is no different than physical abuse.

 

Oh please, with this tired overused cliche. Tell that to a woman with two closed eyes, a couple of missing teeth and and iron burn on her face. Try to convince a woman with a broken arm broken cheek bone that calling someone stupid over and over hurts as bad as she does.

 

Emotional abuse sucks, but its NOWHERE as painful as someone smacking you around because the dessert you made sucked.

 

This guy sounds like a complete dick, but someone THIS bad DIDN'T become this way overnight. What was the prick like before you married him? No hints whatsoever? Was he loaded? Were you looking for someone to take control over your life?

 

This dude isn't normal. If he wasn't this way while you dated, something happened.

[andrewmoquin09]

I'm not in love with my husband anymore. We have grown apart, and there are parts of him that (once thought tolerable) I despise. I feel like I've grown and matured, while he's stuck in a rut. He has no interest in my interests/hobbies, despite that I try to encourage him to try new things so we can share something together. I have accepted his lack of interest, but resentfully so. I'm sad and lonely. I feel like we're not connecting anymore, and we haven't in a long time. My marriage to him has become a hindrance to my personal growth and development, which I also resent him for. I feel guilty for resenting him, which just makes me angry at myself. After all, I married him and I chose to be with him.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do love him. He's my best friend and I do not want to hurt him. However, I am not in love with him. His temper, inconsiderateness, immaturity, and selfishness have eroded the romantic feelings I once had for him. I have no attraction to him beyond a very close friend. We barely have sex -- maybe 1-2x per month. I simply don't feel any romantic or sexual attraction to him. He complains about our non-existent sex life, and I tell him the truth: how I feel about our relationship directly impacts my desire to be with him. I've explained why I feel the way I do, but he doesn't put forth any effort to change. I know I shouldn't expect him to change... but does that mean that I have to be stuck in a rut with him?

 

I'm 25 years old, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life "satisfied" with my husband. I want to be deeply, passionately in love with my husband and not be able to imagine my life without him. He's a great provider, responsible, funny, and I feel completely safe with him. But the spark is gone... there isn't any magic left to our relationship. It's mundane and frustrating.

 

So, do I play it safe and thank my lucky stars that I have a good man? Or do I risk losing my safe (yet unfulfilled) cocoon to venture out on my own in order to end this stagnant, dull commitment?

 

BTW - We don't have kids; our 3 year wedding anniversary is in May of this year.

 

Saying those words, that you're not in love with your husband anymore isn't an easy thing to admit to. After investing many years into a marriage, it's heartbreaking to come to the realization that you're not feeling as close or connected to your husband anymore. But the fact there is, you married him for a reason. As for me, I didn't want to lose what my wife and I had built. I wanted to find a way to rekindle the passion we shared and get back to an emotional place where I was in love with her.

 

Loving someone and being in love with them truly are two separate emotions. Many people view them as the same thing, but if you've said to yourself, I'm not in love with my husband anymore but I love him, you know exactly how different the feelings are. Being in love has a romantic connotation to it, and simply loving him can result in you two ending up living more as roommates or co-parents than married lovers.

 

You can't will yourself to love your husband again. It just doesn't work that way. You can open yourself up to the idea of falling in love again. Doing this is actually not as challenging as it seems and should start with you taking stock of what's changed in the relationship. If you feel he's changed because of all the stress or added pressures in his life now, do what you can to help alleviate some of that.

 

Remember that saving a relationship is a journey. There are going to be peaks and valleys, joy and heartache. Isolate the problems, talk them through, and make a plan to move forward. If you wish to lessen the valleys of your relationship, then don't be afraid to apologize and always try not to blame.

[Molley]

luigie,

 

You know, I've been where you are. Loving my husband not feeling in love with him, or so I thought... My H has been away so much because of his work, leaving me behind, he also is a wonderful guy, funny... etc like yours, yet he's always had difficulty expressing his true feelings, this made me feel unappreciated and not loved, which caused me to withdraw from him. I started thinking about leaving, but I never did, I continued to withdraw, thinking that in the end all would be good... however, now I'm faced with him having an affair and wanting to leave me... as I was withdrawing from him so was he from me... its all so devestating, and now, maybe its to late, I realize just how much I actually do love my husband. But, now it could be too late, he's already found a replacement and I'm now trying to come to terms with the fact that because I didn't guard my marriage, take care of it, we didn't talk about the things that were wrong and we didn't even TRY.... it could all be over.

 

So, I don't know, maybe it is time for you to move on and find happiness with someone else. However, please think it over, how will your life be without him, do you really no longer love him or are you just hurt? If it's hurt and pain, than before he actually turns away, try to correct things. In the long run, what have you lost by trying to make it right, a little bit of time? If you try to make it right and it doesn't work, then at least you'll know that you had done everything and you'll be at peace when you move to the next phase of your life.

 

Good luck to you.