internet cheating

[Diane-MRPD]

My husband of six months is a computer guy. He keeps his computer desktop password protected, so no one will "mess up" his stuff. Last week he left it open and I snooped, because my gut told me something was up. He has been visiting lots of sex sites and has even engaged in answering personal ads on yahoo and I think on some adult friend finder thing. He has sent and received photos as well. I suspect he has had cyber sex, though I have no proof of that.

 

When I confronted him about this he was quiet then said it was a long time ago and he should have deleted the stuff. I told him that I checked the dates and they were as recent as April 6. He continued to deny until he finally gave up and admitted. He said he was sorry and embarassed and that he did it because he thought it was funny and erotic. I am sickened by this so much I am ready to leave him.

 

He said he would stop, but somehow I am not comforted by that. What do you think?

[Tony T]

I don't think you should leave him quite yet. Activity such as this is quite disrespectful to you and lacks consideration but, though he is married, he is entitled to a measure of privacy. He did not do what he did expecting to be caught or to have it thrown in your face. Husbands do things from time to time they don't expect their spouses to find out about...and so do wives. That doesn't make those things right...but the boundaries are drawn on those matters. When Eve gave Adam the Apple, he never new Windows and the Internet would follow thousands of years later.

 

Men are driven by chemicals, hormones, and biology that does not cease upon marriage. He did make a committment to you, but you forgot to put provisions governing cybersex, porno sites, cyber dating, chatting, etc. on the Internet into your marital contract. Put it in now!!!

 

You have an absolute right to insist at this time that he not make contact with other women on the computer...or in any other manner. That is definitely cheating...or flirting at best. Looking at sites showing beautiful women in the natural is something everybody from the President and the Secretary of State all the way down to the mayor of your town and probably 75% of the clergy do. That doesn't make it right but men do enjoy looking at naked ladies. That is just the way we were programmed by our creator. There are many married men who have charges for porno sites deducted each month from the Visa or Master Card they SHARE with their wives, but the charges are disguised.

 

It is also possible that your husband is so used to being single that it just hasn't sunk in that he can't do the same things as a married man that he was able to do when he was single.

 

At this point, you have a real tough trust issue to resolve because the only way you'll know if he's complied with your wishes is if you inspect his computer...and every one he's used between inspections. So you're going to have to take his word for it and give up on the snooping. You've got a lot of communicating to do because a marriage where you have to constantly do detective work is not worth being in. The trust has not to be restored.

 

Judge him by the way he treats you and the satisfaction you get out of your marriage. But if every woman left a man for doing what your husband did without giving him a second chance, there would be cities filled with new cyberdivorcees.

 

As with everything else that happens from time to time in a marriage, you have to deal firmly and then lovingly forgive. But let him know you could fall out of love with him real, real fast if his behavior doesn't make you feel a thousand times better than you're feeling about him and this Internet matter right now.

 

For more information on this type of thing, there are a number of websites on cyber cheating. Just enter those words in a good search engine, such as Yahoo or Lycos.

 

As long as there is a computer on his laptop and not another chick, you are in pretty good shape.

[Billy the kid]

Diane, I don't condone what you husband did, ok? let me ask you a question or two.. first how would you feel if he went in to your purse? 0k no more questions. sometime when I get on line I am hit with a lot of porno.. well yes some times I look, hey I am a guy, and guys do that..That is all i feel he should have done that is excusiable, but then again he's not my husband.. Really if you really love him I would forgive him.. but then again when I am in love I will forgive her for practially any thing and simce this was just over the net, try and give him a break....hey some people think that Blondie in the comic strip looks good..

My husband of six months is a computer guy. He keeps his computer desktop password protected, so no one will "mess up" his stuff. Last week he left it open and I snooped, because my gut told me something was up. He has been visiting lots of sex sites and has even engaged in answering personal ads on yahoo and I think on some adult friend finder thing. He has sent and received photos as well. I suspect he has had cyber sex, though I have no proof of that. When I confronted him about this he was quiet then said it was a long time ago and he should have deleted the stuff. I told him that I checked the dates and they were as recent as April 6. He continued to deny until he finally gave up and admitted. He said he was sorry and embarassed and that he did it because he thought it was funny and erotic. I am sickened by this so much I am ready to leave him. He said he would stop, but somehow I am not comforted by that. What do you think?