Hal Posted October 14, 2003 Posted October 14, 2003 I've been dating a girl for a year now. Things have been going very well. In fact, I've fallen in love with her. However, after I fell in love with her, she told me that she had some one-night stands before we met. I've never had one and I 'm struggling with the notion that she had casual sex with strangers and friends. I've lost a lot of respect for her, but I still love her. Damn, I'm confused. Somebody, please talk to me.
2SidestoStories Posted October 14, 2003 Posted October 14, 2003 What is it about your girlfriend's choice to have casual sex that disturbs you? Has it to do with your morals? Has it to do with self-worth and/or confidence issues of your own? Why does that aspect bother you enough that you have lost so much respect for her? The reason I ask you to consider this is that if something else comes up that she has done that you are unaware of, but that you disagree with for whatever reason, how will that affect your relationship to her? Part of loving someone is trust. Do you feel your trust has somehow been violated by this knowledge of something she did before your relationship was even in place? Part of loving someone is acceptance of who they are. Do you believe she is interested in going out and having one-night stands again while involved with you? Judging her based on choices she has made in the past that have no true effect now is definitely your choice, but I frankly think that unless you know and understand who she is now as well as who she was at that point in her life, it is absurd to lose respect for her. Just some things to think about. My apologies if any of it came off as crass.
UCFKevin Posted October 14, 2003 Posted October 14, 2003 My girlfriend's sexual past isn't exactly clean and rosey, but then again, neither is mine. However, at first, her past REALLY bothered me, and all we could do is talk about it, get all our feelings out in the open and deal with it and I got over it. Occassionally, I think about that stuff and it bothers me but it passes and life goes on. So...basically...deal with it. It'll bug you for a while, maybe a month, but if she's worth it to you, if you truly love her, deal with it.
Author Hal Posted October 15, 2003 Author Posted October 15, 2003 Originally posted by 2SidestoStories What is it about your girlfriend's choice to have casual sex that disturbs you? Has it to do with your morals? Has it to do with self-worth and/or confidence issues of your own? Why does that aspect bother you enough that you have lost so much respect for her? I guess it's a moral issue and it goes against the way I was raised. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex and have had pre-marital sex, so it's not a religious issue. But every time I've had sex, it's been with a woman that I've been in a relationship with. Getting drunk, meeting a stranger in a bar, then having sex with them strikes me as kind of loose. Another aspect of this is I contracted herpes from a woman I eventually married. She got it when she had a one-night stand (her only one) a few months before we started dating. She didn't tell me that she had any STDs when we started dating and I got herpes. So, I've been stung by this. It's hard to say if my attitude toward this would be any different if this didn't happen. My girlfriend tells me that I'm the one for her and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. In many ways, our relationship is fantastic. I just can't get over that there was a period in her life -- after the breakup of her marriage, by the way -- that she partied a lot and had one-night stands. For a while, I was worried about her cheating on me. She's still friends with one of the guys she slept with and exchanges e-mails with another. This worry has abated, but it hasn't eroded the scorn I have. She has two boys and I have two boys and they get along great. I really want to make this work, but I'm not sure if I can spend the rest of my life with a woman that I don't respect. I have been trying for a long time to put this behind me, but it doesn't work. Every time I hear a song on the radio that refers to a one-night stand, it reminds me of it. Every day, when I go to work, I have to pass the bar where she met two of the guys she fooled around with. I've tried talking with her about this several times, but it doesn't resolve the issue. I've considered seeing a psychiatrist about this. I sure need to talk to somebody else about this. I want to get over it.
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 You need to forget about it.Its not healthy for you to dwell in the past. You need to have an open conversation and let her know whats on your mind. You don't need your child to see you all stressed out. I wish you the best .
amerikajin Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 Stop acting like a Republican at election time. You're no saint so stop acting like it. Everybody has a past. She accepts you for your past, why can't you accept her for hers?
amerikajin Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 My apologies to you on my first post. I didn't read the thread thoroughly enough. The guy she keeps e-mailing...what's the deal there? Were they just friends before and did they just get drunk one night and hook up? Personally, I don't like the idea of her still keeping someone like that around - not because she's bad or the other guy's bad. But why is she e-mailing this guy? What good could possibly come out of maintaining the lines of communication with a guy she had a fling with? How long ago was this fling? How many times? Now if it's just a matter of having one-night stands, don't worry about that. Like I say, we've all done things in our romantic past that some may find questionable or inconsistent with our own behavioral patterns. That doesn't mean the other person's immoral or wrong. And even so, maybe the other person's changed since then. But I would find out about this dude she keeps corresponding with. Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't see the need for it.
joeg Posted October 15, 2003 Posted October 15, 2003 ok 2 months before i met my girlfriend i had a one "day" stand with this girl... but im not a type of guy that uses women for sex or anythng... i even wanted to date this woman but due to social, ethical and religious issues this wasnt possible... anyways... then she met her bf... i met my girlfriend... its been a year with my girlfriend and to be honest,,, i dont think about that girl way back... it doesnt bother me... i kinda regret it cos i wish my first time was with my girlfriend... who was a virgin when i met her. but then i kinda dont regret it cos it has shown to me how overrated having sex with someone not ur girlfriend is... and how single life would totally suck!!! this means that if i didnt sex that other girl before i met my love... then i would be real curious about it... i would actually wanna know what its like to have sex with someone else for the hell of it... and then it would hav turned out disasterous!!! but its a good thing cos im faithful to my girl now and i am definately not interested with any other girl about exchanging emails... because i aint no dog who uses women for sex... me and this other girl still chat on messenger once in a while... we dont call or talk on the fone but an occasional msn chat... we talk about things like how we are and what we are doing and things that happened and her school and my uni and yes we talk about my girlfriend... nothing sexual or flirty or anything... and yeh its all good... i think at one stage she wanted to get back with me but i made the stand that i am in a relationship and i love this woman and she respected it and she hasnt showed any flirting signs since the problem is that she hasnt had sex with anyone but me and is kinda curious too... she is a great girl with strong morals and will never cheat... but i just sense it in her... that she kinda wanted to know what it would be like with someone other than me... well that was before... but now its different cos she had many male friends who wouldnt leave her alone... (she is very beautiful and is a strong target for pickup lines down at the club)... but she realised what other men are like from the way they acted around her... before she was like "they are just friends they dont think that" but then later she was "guys are such jerks... all they do is think with their dicks!!! thank God im with you!!!" and ever since she got rid of around 5 male friends cos she saw their true sleazy colours... i stopped sensing the feeling about how she wanted to get with someone else... at one point early in the relationship around 5 - 6 months i was considering about just breaking up for a month... let her experience what most guys are like... get her esteem shattered when someone cheats on her... and then come back with me... but i decided not to cos if she did sleep with another man i wouldnt want her back so yeh its all good
Author Hal Posted October 16, 2003 Author Posted October 16, 2003 After contemplating breaking up -- though only just temporarily to get some head space -- I decided to stick with it. My girlfriend and I had a good, long talk last night. We've had them before, but the last time I brought it up, she got angry with me, which prompted me to consider moving out for a bit. I can't say for sure that I'm completely over this. Sometimes, I get reminded of it by a song on the radio or a movie. I know I can't change the past, and she can't either, but having never gone through with a one-night stand, I don't understand what she was thinking when it happened. I have a natural curiousity and because I care so deeply for her, I need to understand why she was able to be so detached and have sex with a guy she had just met. It's part of understanding her and who she is. If I'm going to spend any more time with her, or marry her which is something we've talked about, I need to respect her. I can't keep wondering why she'd sleep with a stranger and thinking bad thoughts about her. That's not healthy, I know. A lot of my worry stemmed from her attitude about it when she talked about it before. She said she didn't think there was anything wrong with it. However, last night, she said she wasn't proud of herself for doing it. On each occasion, she was drunk and lonely and it just happened. She didn't plan it or go looking for it. Afterward, she said she felt a little embarrassed, but didn't regret it. Another thing, I love her, and I can't stand the thought of being without her. Likewise, she says I'm the one for her and that all the other guys mean nothing to her, and that includes the guy she's exchanged e-mails with. She offered in the past to stop e-mailing this guy, but I didn't think it was something I should have to ask her to do. If it were me, I would just stop and delete their e-mail from my account's contact list. Last night, I asked her to do this and she agreed. Putting my feelings out there and getting some feedback helped. Hopefully, I can learn to cope a little better with this. My girlfriend is great and she doesn't hold anything against me because I have herpes. So many people would treat you like damaged goods because there's such a stigma attached to it. Don't know what else to say except "thanks" to those who took the time to reply.
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