Been Seperating since Jan

[iptwife]

Hey, I am new here and just needed some advice. I am 21 and have been married for 2 years. My husband and I have a two girls they are 2 and 1. We got married when we were 19 I was his first girlfriend and all of that. He was a great guy, he was loving, he worked hard, he was very family orientated. We were very comptaible we were both ambitous very old fashioned and very consevative. Anyway we have been together since were were 16. In fall of 2008 he joined a fraternity at the University we both attend(where I also work). A few months after that he started staying out all night, partying way too much, hanging around lots of different women and just not ever really wanting to be home. On top of that my mom has beemn staying with us for about a year and she kind of added stress to our already stressful situation. In january he moved out for a seperation. He said that it was temporary and that he needed some space. We started couseling but only went once. Although it was GREAT and I learned so much about how he felt and why he moved out. But after that we just never went back.

 

So since then things have been kinda off and on. He still pays the bills and visits the girls, we still sleep with eachother, when he comes over things seems like the old times. One week he stayed over at my house the entire week. He cried to me and told me that he was def moving back in july and that he missed being a family. He said that he realized that there was nothing out there for him and that I was it. That following Saturday after him spending the entire week there and us being a family, he went out that Saturday and stayed at his place that night. That sunday he told me that he didnt want to come back in July and that he didnt know when he was coming back. Since then we have been sleeping together, he still pays the bills, he visits the kids and all that. He said that if I want a divorce we can get one. He still say he loves me and when he comes over things are soo good. I dont know what to do. I really need some advice.

[carhill]

He wants the freedom of being single and the security of being married, IMO. Not unexpected for a young man who likely got married way too young.

 

Have you been over to "his place"? If so, how did that go?

 

What do you want?

[iptwife]

Yes I have been to his place about 5 times. I even stayed the night there once. My girlfriends and I had a girls night out, I got a lil too wasted to catch the metro home called him and he picked me up. It's ok I didnt find anu women jewelry or condoms or any signs or another woman staying there if that what you mean.

[carhill]

I was wondering more about how you felt about "his place". Any impressions? This can be an indicator about how you feel about the relationship.

 

With two very young children, you have a lot on your plate. What do you envision for yourself and them when they start school in a few years? That's part of what I was talking about with the "what do you want?" question.

[iptwife]

Well I hate the fact that he even calls that "home". I think our house is his home. I dont want to living apart from me. I mean we are a family, I can stand it. The apt is samll cold and drafty. Also it bother me that he has all this new found freedom he gets to go and come and he wishes, sleep late, stay out late etc. I hasve to do everything basically alone. Its unfair to me.

[iptwife]

Honestly what I want is us to be a real family again. I want my husband back with me.

[carhill]

OK, that's good information. I've dealt with the "home" dynamic (my wife and I own separate homes) and can respect your feelings about that. Even though I've poured hours of sweat and skill into "her" home, I often feel like I don't belong there. Interesting...

 

Tell me, do you feel out of control? Like your direction in life is no longer your own? Like you're waiting on this unknown action by your husband to re-establish direction and meaning for you?

 

You know him better than anyone I'll bet. What do you think would impel him to come home? Do you really feel that, if he were home, everything would be OK? Or, perhaps, it's the vacuum of his current absence which makes those visits "perfect"? I'm offering potentials here, not passing judgement. You know within yourself what your truth is.

 

How does he feel about the impact of his actions on your children?

[iptwife]

I often express to him how hard it is for me to do all this on my own. He seems to feel bad about it. I know he does, he often says that he misses the kids and I. I do NOT KNOW what would make him want to come home. If I did I would drop whatever I am doing now and do it. I do feel like I have no direction always. I absolutely feel like I am waiting on him to decide. I know what I want, I want my husband back.

[carhill]

Have you sat down with him, one on one (no kids around) and told him all this? How you feel? This is a big deal in a marriage, a potential death-blow. It's really important to be able to effectively communicate with each other about it.

 

Are the two of you alone? Do either sets of parents (yours or his) help out with the children and/or otherwise have input into your lives?

 

Edit...missed the fact that your mom lives with you. Is she in ill health or is this a relationship issue with her (with your dad perhaps)? How does your husband feel about your mom living with you?

[iptwife]

My mom was living with us. I put her out about three months after he left. She was becoming more of a burden then a hepl. Plus her condition got 100% better, so for the past 6 months she had just been living there for no reason at all. Other than the fact that it was free, she was lonely. I hahve told him, like I will say " I love you and I miss you" he will say the same. Then I will say when are you coming back and he replies "I dont know". We have sat down and talked but not at throughly as I would like. I have told him exactly how I feel, that I dont want it to end. But sometimes I get pissed and try to threaten him with divorce, to try ans coerce him into moving back. That doesnt work. He just says " if that what you want"

[carhill]

But sometimes I get pissed and try to threaten him with divorce, to try ans coerce him into moving back. That doesnt work. He just says " if that what you want"

 

Is such passivity normal behavior for him?

[iptwife]

Oh yeah !!! he is extremely passive. I just texted him and asked would he like to go on a date. He replied saying yes and seemed very enthusiastic. We set a date and everything. But back to ther subject yes, he can be very passisive and he doesnt like ultimatums also, I have learned that he can be very indecisive, kinda like anyway the wind blows. It doesnt feel like it's over. But I dont know if I should wait or not.

[skywriter]

Hmmmm, I don't know about that "date" plan. I think he needs to be held accountable for his actions. He needs to be responsible for his children.

 

I think you showing him, that you are looking towards the future, based on his choices now would be an eye opener.

 

I think he's being very immature and based on your ages, understandably so. However, this is water under the bridge since you now share a family.

 

He would have to share responsibility for those children, so that you could also get on with your life as well, be it through employment or furthering

your education.

 

If he's saying he may not be coming back, maybe getting a legal seperation that layed down strict guidelines, consisting of him having to care for those children equally , would be in order.

[Biggie25x]

I agree with the above posts. To me, as tough as it may be, he seems like he is trying to find out who else is out there and he's using you as a "back-up" if things don't go well. Regardless of your ages he made a commitment to you and he has children with you that he needs to take responsibility for.

 

If he won't man up and do what needs to be done you need to take legal action to ensure you and the children are taken care of. Please don't listen to the words he says, make sure you pay attention to his actions as well.

 

I posted this in the original TrustinYOurself post. Sorry, I just figured out if you use the quote button it shows up in the original thread and not it the thread you want. I intended this to be in this thread....

 

To my misery, I listened to what my STBXW said and always wondered when her words didn't fit her actions. Ultimately, actions speak louder than words and his actions scream loud and clear that he's using you and the love you have for him.

 

He needs to know if he continues with this behavior there will be consequences. Let him know he can't sleep with you anymore until he renews his commitment to you. Let him know he can't use your house as a sleep over until he renews his commitment to you. You have made it clear that you want this relationship to work. It's now up to him to prove to you that he wants to be with you. You and your family deserve nothing less.

 

Take a look at doing a 180 in the relationship. TrustinYourself posted this list on doing a 180 and regaining your self-confidence. Try it and see how it goes.

 

by TrustinYourself

Steps to regaining your self confidence

If your spouse has left you follow the advice below.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

 

2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails

 

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

 

4. Do not follow them around the house

 

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

 

6. Do not ask for help from family members

 

7. Do not ask for reassurances

 

8. Do not buy gifts

 

9. Do not schedule dates together

 

10. Do not spy on spouse

 

11. Do not say "I Love You"

 

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

 

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

 

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

 

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

 

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

 

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

 

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

 

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

 

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

 

21. Never lose your cool

 

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

 

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

 

24. Be patient

 

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

 

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

 

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

 

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

 

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

 

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

 

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

 

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared

 

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

 

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes