What's going on here? (mixed signals)

[Spiegelmann]

Hi,

 

this might take a while, so I ask for your patience. I will try to avoid walls of text, though. Also, English isn't my first language, so sorry for any mistakes.

 

First off, a bit of background information. I'm currently divorced, which is a relatively recent situation - a couple of months, actually. This does not in any way whatsoever represent a problem, as the divorce is something I wanted for quite some time.

 

There's this friend of mine, back from when I was a student...we were colleagues and always got along great, and she was pretty much always in my "going out" group. Nothing ever happened back then, although I always found her very attractive.

 

Anyway, in one of those random twists of fate, I've got back in contact with her. Since I'm an insurance salesman, I travel a lot, and I've been working around her city (30 mins. from my city) quite frequently.

 

As you probably guessed by now, I think I'm growing feelings for her...

 

So, whenever I was nearby, I invited her for coffee, which she always accepted. Our "coffee breaks" are great, I think. We talk a lot, we laugh a lot, and time seems to fly - and this is mutual. In one of these situations she had a dance class that she ended up missing, because she lost track of time.

 

In another occasion, I invited her for dinner - she said she couldn't as she had a class that day, but she'd gladly have coffee with me. During coffee, she said in a half-serious, half-joking tone "why do you always drop by when I have classes? you should know by now in which days of the week I have my classes...that way we can't go out for dinner, only for coffee". When we said goodbye that day, she specifically said "whenever I see you again, make sure it's a day we can go out for dinner".

 

Which I did. I invited her for dinner last week, and I took her to a nice italian restaurant, with a great, somewhat romantic mood - you know, low, soft music, candle lights, etc.

The dinner was great. Again, we talked about a bit of everything, we laughed... She did manage to find a "subtle" way to let me know that she wasn't seeing anyone. Actually, she said this twice. What this means (if it even means anything), I don't know.

She also managed to inform me that getting flowers doesn't really matter to her...again, if this can be perceived as a "tip" or was just normal, regular talk, I can't say.

 

At the end of the dinner she wanted to split the check, which I refused. She immediately said that we should go out for dinner again - soon. And asked me several times when I'd be back, saying that the next one would be on her.

 

When we said goodbye that night, she said that I was welcome to come back anytime, except during the next week (which is this week), as she'll be spending vacations in her hometown. Literally two seconds later she added "unless of course you want to come and visit me there...it's not far and I could show you around".

 

Maybe it's all in my head and I'm just seeing what I want to see, but I can't help being confused.

 

Any input would be greatly welcome.

[carhill]

Subtle

 

Can I share with you that I've never had a woman be that "obvious" in my entire existence?

 

Given that you are newly single and freshly divorced, I'd say to graciously accept her invitation to treat you to dinner the next time you are both available and see how that goes.

 

What I am watchful for is predicated on the understanding that women sense when a man is attracted to them and can manipulate that effortlessly with very simple words and actions. This is especially true in the case of a man who is recently out of an unhealthy relationship and is sensitive and looking for validation.

 

Nothing wrong with having a good time.

[Awesome84]

OMG... Come on Spiegelmann.... this girl obviously diggs you!! Me being a girl in the dating world... I can honestly say that if I was having coffee with a guy several times.... I can usually get the feeling if I like him enough to go on a 'real' date with him. With that said... you two have had enough 'coffee breaks' for her to know for sure if she likes you or not... and the fact that she basically invited 'YOU' to dinner by giving you the hint... that is a sure sign that she likes you. I would never let a guy that I didn't like take me out for dinner unless it was the very first date that we are hanging out together. But you two have had small dates (coffee breaks)... so you already know if you like eachother.

 

Then... after the date... she invited you to visit her in the other town... Another thing... I myself... wouldn't do unless I like a guy. That's like giving you the nudge that she is interested in seeing you again. The last date I went on... I didn't invite the guy out again or even give him the hint that I wanted to go out again. Because I realized after the date (which was date #2) that I wasn't into him.

 

So there you have it.... She likes you dude!!! Go on and be happy and spend more time with her!!!

[Spiegelmann]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I considered either accepting her offer to visit her hometown or inviting her to mine, but my work schedule has other plans, it seems.

 

Anyway, I'll probably accept her invitation to dinner next week...I'll see how it goes.

 

By the way, and concerning that whole subtlety thing and what not? I've figured I might shed some more light on that particular part of the conversation.

 

So, as I said, we've talked about a bit of everything, and one of the things was cooking. She said she didn't exactly love cooking, but she'd gladly cook when necessary.

 

After which she proceeded to say something along the lines of "you know, it's one of those things that seems to shock older people, when I say I don't like to cook. It's the same thing when an elderly person asks me if I have a boyfriend, which I don't, they act as if I should just because I'm 28 years old." The transition from "I don't like to cook" to "I don't have a boyfriend" doesn't seem smooth...what do you think?

 

Another bit was when for some reason my divorce turned into a conversation topic (but only for a very short period of time, fortunately) she said something like "well, that means you're single again. Welcome back to the "Single Team"!" Btw, sorry, can't find a better way to translate the "Single Team" expression to english, as it gets slightly lost in translation, but I think you get the picture.

 

Again, input, opinions, etc. will be more than welcome. Thanks in advance.

[Awesome84]

I'm not sure I understand the conversation... so you say she went from talking about not likeing to cook to her being single???

 

It could just mean that she is giving you little tid bits about herself so that you could get to know her her better.

 

Another thing I don't do when I don't like a guy... I don't start talking about myself that much.... cause I don't want him to get to know me. So I don't care whether or not he knows about how I don't like to cook (if I didn't) or that I am 28 and single (I'm 29... but for the sake of argument).... with that said... you might be over analyzing the situation. I do it all the time too.

 

I don't think you have much to worry about right now. I still think she likes you. So my advice would be to relax a little.

[Spiegelmann]

 

It could just mean that she is giving you little tid bits about herself so that you could get to know her her better.

 

I get your point. But you see, I already knew her. We used to hang out when we were both students (and we had several classes together), and we kind of lost contact between 2006 and 2008.

 

Anyway, you're probably right. I should just relax and see what happens next.

[Spiegelmann]

Remember when I said that she asked me to tell her when I'd be in town again so that we could go out for dinner?

 

Well, I told her that I'd be around next Tuesday (i.e. tomorrow) to which she immediately replied "consider yourself invited"...I'll just lay back and see how it goes, I guess.

 

Which me luck!

[Spiegelmann]

So, we went out for dinner. I must confess, it didn't help me with all the confusion...

 

I'll try and give as much context and detail as I can, some of which might be relevant and other...not quite. Just have in mind that part of the confusion lies in whether these "coffee breaks" and "going out for dinner" fit in the friend zone or can be classified as dates. Anyway, here goes:

 

She texted at about 6 p.m. saying she'd be leaving work one hour later and if I'd be ok with having dinner a bit later. Needless to say, I had no problem with that.

 

When I arrived at the meeting spot she wasn't there yet, so I waited a little. She showed up about 10 minutes later, walking fast and with some obvious signs of being a bit nervous - more of that later.

 

She suggested an italian restaurant, as she knows that I love italian food.

 

We went to the restaurant in my car and she gave me the directions - all the time she was trying to make jokes out of pretty much anything, sometimes laughing and giggling with no real apparent reason.

 

During the small trip, I let her know that I had plans to visit her during her holidays, but work ruined those plans. As soon as I said "you know, I'd thought of dropping by next week..." she interrupted my sentence to quickly throw a "why didn't you, dummy? It was my holidays, I had plenty of free time!". Interesting?

 

We got to the restaurant, which turned out to have an excellent atmosphere.

 

Once inside, she took off her coat and...wow. OK, a bit of context: this woman is, and always was, insanely beautiful. Dark, curly hair, light green blue eyes...you get the picture. Doesn't take much to get her to look stunning.

She was wearing a shoulderless, very slightly see-through blouse (have in mind that it's freezing cold in my country right now) which fit her great.

Now, she doesn't use to (and surely doesn't need to) dress that well to go to work, which left me wondering if she could indeed considered the situation as a date.

Also to have in mind, since I went straight from work to meet her as always, I was wearing a suit, so she could just be going for a kind of a balance between us, as far as clothing goes.

 

Well anyway, whenever I complimented her or said anything that might be considered flirty, she basically laughed nervously and/or lowered her head while still throwing quick glances at me, smiling and blushing and fixing her hair. There was this one time when she nearly choked...

 

The thing is, I just couldn't get the conversation out of the "small talk" area. You know, that whole "have-you-seen-(insert name of ex university colleague)-and-do-you-remember-crazy-professor x?" kind of thing.

 

So, it seemed to me that the body language and the "actual" language didn't exactly match, but then again it could all be in my head.

 

I drove her to her car, and it was raining. A lot. She hastily picked her things from the trunk of my car, kissed me on the cheek, asked me to let her know when I'd be back in town so we could have dinner again and ran off to her car.

 

Honestly, I don't know what to make of this, and I sure don't know how to deal with the situation. I feel like a teenager. It doesn't help the fact that in my native language the equivalent to "going out" applies to both dates and friends...

 

A friend of mine (who knows her back from university, although not extremely well) thinks she might be nervous, and lack self-confidence...

 

Any opinions, input, etc. would be more than welcome.

[Lady_J]

Seriously, she might as well be holding up a neon sign that says she's interested. SHE LIKES YOU!

 

Try this, next time you meet her for anything take both of her hands and look her up and down. Not in a creepy way, but land back on her eyes and give her a smile, pull her in for a hug.

 

The whole hair thing, yea that means we like you. Whether we twist it flip it play with it run our fingers through it...maybe 2% of the time we actually want to fix it the other 98% of the time means we are flirting with you ok?

 

Sounds to me like when she kissed you on the cheek, that was her big move, she was waiting for a response from you. Next time, kiss her back but on the lips.

[Spiegelmann]

About the kiss on the cheek thing, maybe I didn't make myself quite clear. It was actually one kiss on each cheek, which is also a fairly common thing for for a male and a female friend to do when they say goodbye.

 

I was thinking about inviting her for dinner next Friday...but since we went out for dinner last Tuesday, could that be too soon?

[Lady_J]

About the kiss on the cheek thing, maybe I didn't make myself quite clear. It was actually one kiss on each cheek, which is also a fairly common thing for for a male and a female friend to do when they say goodbye.

 

I was thinking about inviting her for dinner next Friday...but since we went out for dinner last Tuesday, could that be too soon?

 

NO. Thank you for clearing up the cheek kissing. I still say she likes you. No friday is not too soon. Remember how she interrupted you to tell you that you should have called her when she was on vacation? This means she likes hearing from you. If you are wary, you can just call her and have conversation to see how she responds to you. But if you do that, I would suggest saying something like "Did I mention how beautiful you looked Tue.?" or some personalized compliment that would be hard to mistake. No harm in that, women love compliments.

 

She likes you...I am almost 100% positive:)

[Spiegelmann]

Once again, thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it.

 

I ended up inviting her for dinner tomorrow, to which she asked if it'd be ok to postpone it for my next time in town.

 

After this I remembered that she's spending this weekend at some sort of work seminar about 100 miles away from her place, so she will have to wake up early on saturday, or even leave tomorrow night...

 

...or I'm just overanalysing the whole thing and should just relax and lay back before I fry my brains

[Spiegelmann]

There was another "event", so if anyone wants to share his/her opinion on the subject, I'd really appreciate it.

 

We went out to have dinner and an ice cream yesterday. There was some..."weirdness" throughout the whole evening. So, here we go...

 

Soon after we met she asked me if I'd like to go to a concert after dinner. She had been invited by a male friend of hers. She has a large circle of friends, male and female, from all ages, which is obviously fine by me. However, this particular guy might be into her. But more on that later.

 

The dinner was nice, with some great wine, too. We talked about everything and nothing, conversation was always flowing. I managed to make her laugh a lot, which is never a bad thing. Afterwards we went for some ice cream, and there were some interesting details.

She would fix my tie and my coat every now and then, briefly touch my leg or my hand when talking, etc., to which I replied in a similar way.

 

By now I should add that the woman in question has some mild self-confidence issues, which I find hard to understand. She's beautiful, smart and funny, but has a rather poor image of herself.

It goes to say that I tried to "intensify the approach", if that makes sense, gradually. More on that later.

 

Anyway...since I've got two free tickets for a Blue Man Group show I did the obvious thing and invited her, and she accepted. Seconds later, she said something like "oh, but you'll probably find someone else to go with you". Lack of self-confidence? Sounds like it.

The concert is two hours away from my place and one hour away from hers, so I'll be picking her up and we'll have dinner before the show.

 

So, after the ice cream, she called her friend while I went to the bathroom. While leaving, I was able to hear her on the phone saying "he is a...friend". Obviously talking about me, and the pause could mean a lot of things.

 

We went to the concert, and her friend arrived 5 minutes later, with his cousin. He practically didn't acknowledge I was there and didn't even look at me when I talked to him, so I played the same game. The way he looked at her makes me think that he's interested. By the way, she's 28 and he's 21, if that matters.

 

During the whole concert, she pretty much ignored the guy most of the time. She turned her back on him and stood by my side the whole time, talking to me. Since I'm considerably taller than her, I had to lean to listen, conveniently putting my hand around her waist, which seemed to be pretty ok with her.

 

Now, there will be another concert in her town next Thursday. She didn't invite me, probably because we only meet when I'm working in the area around her town. But I believe that the other guy is going to said concert.

Her reaction towards him yesterday (and the fact that she took me, letting him know that I exist) lead me to think that she doesn't seem to see him as more than a friend, but I can't help feeling a bit uncomfortable...

 

I'll see her again next saturday in a college dinner (as I said, we went to college together). It'll be interesting to see if her reaction towards me are any different when compared to previous college dinners...

[Spiegelmann]

Little (and probably final) update...

 

We went to the Blue Man Group show. Got there 3 hours earlier, walked a bit, had dinner, went to the show, and hanged out at the casino's bar for 2 hours. Whenever I got flirty and/or romantic I was "friendly" shot down, if that makes any sense.

 

For some reason we were talking about her self-esteem and I said something like "I couldn't find a woman more beautiful than you in the whole casino if I tried" to which she replied "you're only saying that cause you're my friend". Me: "no. you are beautiful, and that's what I feel". She just acted as if I hadn't said anything and continued to talk about whatever we were talking before.

 

I even wrote a poem to her, and she acted all friendly about it.

 

I pretty much feel myself completely friendzoned and am about to throw in the towel.

 

The hard part now will be to get over this and think about something else, which I know that won't be easy. Wish me luck with that...