Can I understand

[WhyamIhere.]

I don't know where to start honestly. I am messed up in so many ways and so is my relationship but I will take the blame because I am doing a lot wrong.

 

Well it starts with my and my gf's past. We were young (10 grade) flirting with eachother at a volleyball game but not going out yet. We were doing that for about 20 minutes or so when we decided to go back in. My best friend happened to be in there when we came in and I don't remember why but we went back to his house (me, my gf and him). My dad had came to pick me up which I left her there with him thinking everything would be ok. Well the next day he comes and tells me she shows him her boobs (which I hadn't even seen) because she wanted too. I didn't say anything because I didn't understand what was going on. So I go and ask her where she tells me ya it was true but he was begging her all kinds and she gave in finally (she didn't have a mother growing up if this makes a difference and her dad was absent).

 

Well I don't really remember how everything went but somehow we ended up going out a few months after that. I didn't talk to her about it at the time or back off like I should have but I took another route. I instead treated her like she acted and she became my F*ck buddy all through high school. I didn't trust her enough with my heart at the time because the fear of her hooking up with my best friend. Which she just recently admitted he hit on her a few times (while they were alone) and she "made out" with him before me and her were ever anything.

 

I don't really know how to take that info and I don't understand why she didn't tell me at the time? She didn't tell me she flashed him, he told me that and she had to admit it. Her story is she didn't want to ruin our friendship so she didn't say anything ever till years later.

 

Well now 2 1/2 years into the relationship I still find myself bugged by the past. Its not that I like to hold on to stuff its just stuff I can't understand I can't let go. I just don't understand why one she would do that and two why she never told me? My best friend didn't seem like a bad guy. He did lie a lot which is why I took my gf's word over his but her stories just seem fishy as well. I don't want to hold this against her anymore so I would either like to just end it for good or move on. She assures me to this day nothing happened and will not change her story. I mean I want to believe her since she's a pretty honest person but there is something inside me telling me she is lying. The feeling never goes away and I don't ever look for it.

[WhyamIhere.]

As of now I am very insecure about this relationship because if she can hold big secrets like that it makes me think what else she is capable of. She tells me all the time I am the only one for her and she has never met anyone like but I don't believe it.

 

I had gone to see my ex once about 2 years ago which caused our relationship to end for awhile. I broke up with her because I felt guilty but hadn't told her yet. I told her afterwords where she told me she was very upset but found someway to forgive me. We decided to give it another shot and I actually gave it my 150%. Our relationship took a total 180 and got a lot better but than I started having doubts again. I started talking to my ex again about a year later but never told my gf. Well I confessed my guilt again where she was hurt but still wanted to make it work. We kept in it and I did for sure than stop talking to my ex.

 

Well after all that I started having doubts about my life and what I wanted. She has this plan to marry me and has always had them. I'm not saying we couldn't get married (if we even should) but I am not planning that far ahead. Well I did start thinking about it and realized she is not what I want in my spouse. I wanted someone who caused me to grow emotional like I did for her. I pushed her to become better to change her bad habits all kinds of stuff. I don't know if doing that was right either. So how I handled my emotions was I took them out on her. I didn't flat out tell her she wasn't what I wanted but I did say she didn't have the qualities I look for in a wife. Well that threw her into a hysteria and we broke up like 6 times in the past 3 months. I will say it is because of me and how I handle things but I just don't understand her. I don't understand why you would want to stay with a cheater, why you would want to stay with someone who doesn't appreciate you, who is inconsiderate of you, who basically said you aren't good enough (I'm referring to myself if anyone didn't catch that). Can anyone explain that one to me?

[WhyamIhere.]

My biggest concern is how is she supposed to handle this stuff? There is soo much negativity she has to deal with from me. I am not her one and only but she does not see that and refuses to talk about it when I bring it up. I am tired of hurting her but she won't get the point and i can't break up with her because we are tied together for some reason. I feel responsible for her which is not a good thing at all.

 

Honestly my gut is telling me she is cheating. It has been for awhile which I can't tell why? I have no proof (doesnt mean I didn't try), no excuses to think so no nothing just my gut. Could this be possible that I caused her to do that?