In-law issues...again. Need to vent

[FlyingToaster]

Hello,

I haven't been around for awhile. Haven't really had the time. I just wanted to vent about the recent events surrounding my in-laws.

 

My last post talked about my MIL and that I really feel she needs to be in an Assisted Living or Nursing Home. She's very frail, has brittle bones, and two hip replacements which make her a bit unsteady on her feet. I'm really afraid that she'll fall and there won't be anybody to assist her.

 

She's also emotionally dependent. She needs to have people visit her constantly otherwise she doesn't feel loved. My husband visits her twice a day.

 

Just recently she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. What tipped us off was that she was getting very forgetful and her sentences didn't always make sense. After some ct scans and MRI's, it was agreed to have a neurosurgeon go in and remove the tumor.

 

That was done today. They were able to remove the tumor, but they said it is malignant. The neurosurgeon did not see any damage from the tumor, so there's a good possibility that her memory and speech will come back to almost what it was. Once she's healed from the surgery, there is the possibility of her going through cancer treatment.

 

Her surgery was done in a different city, so there's the issue right now as to when she can come home, and where she should be staying. For the most part, my husband and his siblings (2 brothers and 1 sister), feel that she should be in the hospital or the nursing home, but there seems to be this underlying thought that she can stay in her home. Even my BIL's wife suggested Home Healthcare.

 

THAT is what is driving me nuts. I guess the other thing I need to mention is that she's 88 years old. We and one brother live in the same town as my MIL, but my BIL's job has him gone completely 5 days/week, and my husband is completely gone every other week. Any time any one of them can't get a hold of their mother, they call BIL's wife and ask her to check on her and make sure she's okay. She's always complaining about having to do this.

 

I think my BIL's wife just has to oppose the majority even if it isn't in her best interest. She's very consistent with that. It just irks me to no end.

 

The other thing that really bothers me is that all their lives, my husband and his siblings have been told not to upset their mother. I really feel that it's getting to the point where they'll end up killing her. They don't want to tell her she needs to go into an Assisted Living facility or Nursing Home, so they end up letting her live at home. I have a fear that they will do it now as well.

 

The only sane one IMHO, is the sister. She's had to take care of everything for quite some time so she's always been very honest with her mom. This upsets the others because at times what she tells her doesn't make their mom all that happy.

 

Has anybody else had this kind of issue?

 

I know it's not my place to argue. This is not my mother. As much as my MIL drives me crazy though, I don't want to see something happen that the rest of the family could regret later.

 

For the most part, even if I did try to talk any sense with them, it would fall on deaf ears. These people could have 1,000 experts tell them that I'm right and if they don't agree, those experts are wrong.

 

Do you understand my frustration?

 

How can I 'let this go'? I get to thinking about it and it's like poison. It affects everything else. Any suggestions?

[Ronni_W]

Hey 'Toaster.

Wishing the best for you MiL's recovery...and those future cancer treatments.

 

I totally get your frustration. In your place, I'd ALSO just be downright fearful that a lot of the "home healthcare" duties and responsibilities, PLUS 3-times-a-day visits are going to fall on me and my husband.

 

Best you might be able to do is discuss all of it with your Hubby, and encourage him to continue to speak out for an Assisted Living/Senior Care facility.

 

Hugs.

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks for the encouragement, Ronni W.

When my H got home after his mother's surgery, we talked again about where she will go after (or if) she gets out of the hospital. He went out for coffee with his sister and twin brother, the other brother and his wife declined. At that meeting they were in agreement that she will be going to the Nursing Home. If she gets to a point where she meets the requirements for Assisted Living, then she'll be going there.

 

As for my MIL, here's the latest. They've analyzed the tumor and found that it is gioblastoma. The neurosurgeon also said that they were not able to get all of it out as it would have caused some major damage to the brain. I pray that my MIL will recover to a point where she can be told of the situation and understand what she will undergo with chemo and radiation. If she's mentally able, I want HER to make the decision. The brother that declined to meet for coffee is the one that avoids these situations as much as possible, yet still wants everybody to do what he wants.

 

Personally, I think that my MIL would most likely not make it through the cancer treatments, and it upsets me to think that her last days on Earth would be miserable. I know I'm in the majority as my H and his twin and sister agree. However, the other brother and his wife are always saying, "There's always hope." They would want her to go through all of that, but they won't be the ones around when she comes back from a treatment and suffering.

 

My H and his twin are going to meet with the oncologist today. I hope they can get some more information to help them with their decision, should they have to make one eventually.

 

Take care.

[2sure]

She is 88 years old with a brain tumor and frail.

 

Either way she is dying and not going to last long.

 

Most people would prefer to die at home so many families use hospice to assist with their care. If she is somehow strong enough ti=o be put into assisted living, maybe she can go there short term until she cant make it there anymore.

 

The reality is she will be gone soon. Everyone should just suck it up to make her as comfortable and content as possible for the little time they have left to deal with her.

 

That way, when she is gone no one will need to feel guilty, they will know they did the right thing.

[jazzlovr1990]

this is a very difficult situation, best wishes to you and your extended family

[FlyingToaster]

Here's another update:

 

My MIL has been diagnosed with Gioblastoma (sp?). I haven't read much about it, but from what I have, it's the most common of the brain cancers, and it appears to be somewhat aggressive. Since the neurosurgeon wasn't able to get everything out, they want to start treatment very soon.

 

When my H visited her yesterday, he said she was at about 60%. She's still having issues with memory and speech, which is to be expected, but she seems to be doing well physically.

 

The chemotherapy will be in pill form, and it may be something she will be doing for the next year. The radiation will be the toughest, I guess. Both of these will start in about 2 weeks.

 

My H is meeting with a representative from a Nursing Home today to discuss the options for his Mother while she's undergoing treatment, etc.

 

Thanks for all of your support.

 

Take care.