Girlfriend going on holidays without me

[DunnoWhat]

I just found out tonight. Indirectly. She didn't even tell me she was going and I told her I'm not happy about it. She didn't understand at first and I explained that we're in a long distance relationship and she wants to go on holidays with a friend somewhere else.

 

I'm shocked to be honest. It might sound childish but it's not like we see each other every day.

 

I told her how I felt and she never said she was cancelling it. She said she promised her friend and she'll have to think of a way of not disappointing one of us. I mean should there be thinking??

 

Any thoughts?

[quankanne]

is this "friend" another guy, and you're worried about your relationship being dismissed? Or is it a girlfriend she wants to spend time with, and you resent it?

 

if the former, you've got cause to be concerned ... maybe it's time you two seriously talked about what you want from the relationship and where it's headed.

 

if it's the latter, wish her a good time. A girlfriend isn't going to lead her astray. Well, not unless she was an evil, undermining witch ...

[Bearandsue]

I think it was wrong for her not to tell you that she was going. You should not have had to find that information out from anywhere else but her.

 

However I do not think it should be a problem if she wants to go on a vacation. She still have a life outside of your relationship. That is something I had to learn from my SO. You cannot expect them to stop living altogether, outside of the relationship that is.

 

Like I always say communication is key in a LDR. Living apart is hard enough and finding out that my SO had a planned vacation that he didn't have the decency to tell me about would not go down too well.

[DunnoWhat]

is this "friend" another guy, and you're worried about your relationship being dismissed? Or is it a girlfriend she wants to spend time with, and you resent it?

 

 

She's going with a girl. I don't mind her spending time with her friends but she has all year with them. It disappoints me she didn't consider me. I know it sounds childish but if I'm going to invest my time in somebody and I'm being loyal to her in a long distance relationship, the least I expect is that she wants to be with me whenever possible. She says she misses me and wants to be with me now whenever we talk. A holiday to Spain seems to be more important. She lives near her friend and see her often.

 

I then questions did she really love me and she was crying about it. At least she said she understood what I was saying. But the disappointing thing is she should have realised that already.

[DunnoWhat]

I think it was wrong for her not to tell you that she was going. You should not have had to find that information out from anywhere else but her.

 

However I do not think it should be a problem if she wants to go on a vacation. She still have a life outside of your relationship. That is something I had to learn from my SO. You cannot expect them to stop living altogether, outside of the relationship that is.

 

Like I always say communication is key in a LDR. Living apart is hard enough and finding out that my SO had a planned vacation that he didn't have the decency to tell me about would not go down too well.

 

We speak every night. When I mentioned she never said anything about it her reaction was just oh, I was 100% sure I mentioned it.

[Lucky_One]

So she is going on hols to Spain with a girlfriend, and didn't prefer to spend that money to come see you, or ask you to meet them there, or ask her GF to go on vacation wherever YOU live?

 

I'd be hurt and angry, too. Going to the beach for a weekend with a GF is one thing, and is ok in terms of living a full and happy life - but going on a trip of over 2 days to a foreign country is totally another.

[Bearandsue]

We speak every night. When I mentioned she never said anything about it her reaction was just oh, I was 100% sure I mentioned it.

 

 

Yeah, like you would forget something like that. I think you have all right to feel the way you do.

[Lovin a scrapper]

I agree with DunnoWhat. I would be very hurt and angry if my girl did this. Especially since we communicate at the rate that we do.

[Island Girl]

I would be angry that he didn't tell me.

 

And if he was paying for the trip, I'd be angry that he wasn't spending that money to come and see me.

 

If it was a free trip I would understand him wanting to go and see a wonderful place.

And I wouldn't be mad about the trip.

 

But I would still be mad he didn't tell me. We are LD. We have to entrust each other to be completely open and honest.

With distance it is too easy to hide things and be shady.

 

There are already natural insecurities that can cause questions. When someone deliberately withholds crap that is a recipe for disaster especially in an LDR.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I would be annoyed too. I'm assuming this friend lives near her so why not go on a holiday with you and have some quality time away?

[DunnoWhat]

I would be annoyed too. I'm assuming this friend lives near her so why not go on a holiday with you and have some quality time away?

 

Yeah. Her friend lives near her. Just last week they went out and her friend stayed in her place. they can see each other any time and I presume they'll go on many day outs togethar this summer.

 

She still wants to go to Spain I think. She said its because she's asked her friend already and can't cancel it now. She didn't say she would cancel it. So we're stuck in this situation now and she doesn't know what to do. She wants me to give her my blessing but I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm ok with it.

 

She called herself stupid for not thinking about me before she made those plans. I wouldn't call it stupid it's obvious that Spain was her priority over me and she only thought of me when I mentioned it to her. Thats the most disappointing thing about it. She insisted she loves me and got upset when I doubted it.

 

I have decided that I'm going to let her decide what shes going to do. I'll tell her I want to see what she does. It will tell me alot about her priorities. She is in a very awkward position because she promised her friend and she usually keeps her word. But thats not my problem now it's her problem.

 

How would you handle this?

[DunnoWhat]

Theres another things that p*ssed me off. I saw it on her friends facebook page and they were talking about the great time they'll have when they go to spain. She told her friend she'll try to find her an English guy and then her friend replied back "you think we'll meet english guys?".

 

I would be angry that he didn't tell me.

 

And if he was paying for the trip, I'd be angry that he wasn't spending that money to come and see me.

 

If it was a free trip I would understand him wanting to go and see a wonderful place.

And I wouldn't be mad about the trip.

 

 

I feel the same. She said she can only afford a week but thats a week we could have been togethar. We've only been togethar 4 days since we first met last summer!

[quankanne]

from a different perspective:

 

it isn't wrong to feel hurt by what your girlfriend has done, but you've got to realize that she's been flying solo all this time. Doing things and living a life that hasn't greatly included you, her LD boyfriend. So when an opportunity like this comes up, she's not going to see it as "time away from my boyfriend" because you're already spending great chunks of time apart. Nope, she's going to look at it as just something else to do while you're having to be apart.

 

I honestly don't think she did this to hurt you, but has gone about living and planning her life with an absentee boyfriend like she normally does – and I don't mean absentee in the sense that you are to blame, but merely as someone who isn't there.

 

as much as I hate to suggest this, it might be a sign that the relationship is over ... sometimes, people just aren't equipped to do the long-distance thing

[Nikki Sahagin]

Yeah. Her friend lives near her. Just last week they went out and her friend stayed in her place. they can see each other any time and I presume they'll go on many day outs togethar this summer.

 

She still wants to go to Spain I think. She said its because she's asked her friend already and can't cancel it now. She didn't say she would cancel it. So we're stuck in this situation now and she doesn't know what to do. She wants me to give her my blessing but I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm ok with it.

 

She called herself stupid for not thinking about me before she made those plans. I wouldn't call it stupid it's obvious that Spain was her priority over me and she only thought of me when I mentioned it to her. Thats the most disappointing thing about it. She insisted she loves me and got upset when I doubted it.

 

I have decided that I'm going to let her decide what shes going to do. I'll tell her I want to see what she does. It will tell me alot about her priorities. She is in a very awkward position because she promised her friend and she usually keeps her word. But thats not my problem now it's her problem.

 

How would you handle this?

 

I think I would be honest about how I felt...but in this case where its done now, you have to let her go. Why don't you suggest you 2 going away a bit later so you still have a break to look forward to and see what she says?

[DunnoWhat]

from a different perspective:

 

it isn't wrong to feel hurt by what your girlfriend has done, but you've got to realize that she's been flying solo all this time. Doing things and living a life that hasn't greatly included you, her LD boyfriend. So when an opportunity like this comes up, she's not going to see it as "time away from my boyfriend" because you're already spending great chunks of time apart. Nope, she's going to look at it as just something else to do while you're having to be apart.

 

I honestly don't think she did this to hurt you, but has gone about living and planning her life with an absentee boyfriend like she normally does – and I don't mean absentee in the sense that you are to blame, but merely as someone who isn't there.

 

as much as I hate to suggest this, it might be a sign that the relationship is over ... sometimes, people just aren't equipped to do the long-distance thing

 

Good point although our relationship is strong. I don't think something like this will break it.

[Katherineos123]

I understand you being upset that she didnt tell you, because being in a long distance relationship, communication is key... And she should keep you involved on her day-to-day life.

 

However, I dont think you should be angry with her for going. I would maybe be a little hurt that she didnt invite you to share this experience with her, but I would be happy for her that she is about to embark on a wonderful and life changing, liberating, expirience. The opportunity for world travel is obviously not something that is granted all too often *well, for most of us* And she is going to have an amazing expirience. She is making memories and living her life to the fullest, if you love her and trust her, than you should have no problem being happy for her.

 

Maybe you two should plan a vacation together in the furutre, that way, you get a chance to make these memories together!

[DunnoWhat]

I understand you being upset that she didnt tell you, because being in a long distance relationship, communication is key... And she should keep you involved on her day-to-day life.

 

However, I dont think you should be angry with her for going. I would maybe be a little hurt that she didnt invite you to share this experience with her, but I would be happy for her that she is about to embark on a wonderful and life changing, liberating, expirience. The opportunity for world travel is obviously not something that is granted all too often *well, for most of us* And she is going to have an amazing expirience. She is making memories and living her life to the fullest, if you love her and trust her, than you should have no problem being happy for her.

 

Maybe you two should plan a vacation together in the furutre, that way, you get a chance to make these memories together!

 

Shes only going to spain for a week.

[Katherineos123]

Shes only going to spain for a week.

 

 

All the more reason for you to be excited for her that she has this opportunity to see this part of the world.

[Lucky_One]

Why don't you fly there and meet her?

[Island Girl]

If this happened to me I'd be friggin' livid.

 

I am sitting here day after day missing my SO.

 

It NEVER gets easier. It never becomes a day to day "I-am-always-here-without-him-so-I-am-fine-existence".

 

I believe I am not the only one in this position who will say it is painful and the sacrifices that are made every single day are apparent every single day.

Again, it never gets easier.

 

If both of us are in it the same way, then if we have the ability financially and logistically to take a vacation and see each other and we're spending our money the only choice is to see the other.

 

How can you say you love someone and choose to have them remain in that kind of pain day after day when you can alleviate it and make that relationship stronger all in one shot?

Not to mention alleviating your own anguish and lightening that load just a little bit?

 

Like I said, I'd be RAGING.

 

And that action would call into question the entire relationship, how much I mean to that person, whether my feelings are even considered at any given time, why I continue to go through this day after day when I am not the priority in that person's life.

Moments in life slipping away and never knowing if we will have time - but having a chance at sharing some of who knows how many of our given days together yet having it passed up for a country that has been there hundreds of years and will be there hundreds of years from now.

 

Oh yeah I'd be so so so very angry. Hurt. VERY hurt.

And angry.

 

If this reads extreme I am feeling kind of cranky so please excuse me.

 

But I stand by the sentiment.

[bean1]

I see both perspectives but how old is OP and his GF? I read in a previous post that they have been together less than one year.

 

Now that I am older, I wish I had spent more of my youth out travelling with my female friends. Once you are in a partnership with little ones, a mortgage, stable careers, etc, it's extremely difficult to get those moments back.

 

Of course she should have told him, but I don't think she is wrong for wanting to go. I think any of us here that are (a bit) older and have responsibilities back home wished we had done a bit more in our youth.

[bean1]

Ok... looking through OP's threads to try and see some perspective here, the GF is only 21 and she has was logging into a dating site only 4 months ago. There's some confusing info but it looks like they have only been dating since October 2008 (7 months total).

 

Although I understand your sentiments Island Girl (after all, in a marriage, I would completely agree), I certainly don't think that this relationship should be held to the same standard. She's young and I don't think the level of commitment is the same in this relationship.

[lostsunsets]

You had a great idea. If she goes to spain. Dump her. Shes not that into you. If she didn't tell you about Spain. What do you think she won't tell you about what she's done in Spain? This is a trust and honesty issue. It was a diliberate omission. Which is just as deceitful as lying. Put her to the test. See what is more important. Actually it is her putting herself to the test.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Shes only going to spain for a week.

 

Uh... I would begin actively searching for a new GF. This one doesn't care too much about you.

 

If you know anything about women this age, they usually go for the guy that provides the most attention. Sorry, but your too far away to do that.