marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[Molley]

Hi Everyone, I'm sure I'm not unique and this has happened to many, so I'd really appreciate hearing back.

 

A couple weeks ago my husband surprised me by saying he's not happy with our 14 year marriage (together 18.) Until then, we've had, what I thought, was a very strong and happy marriage. He's now saying that he's already thought about divorce and isn't sure if he wants to stay married because there's so much of life passing him by.

 

He's in the Air Force, just came back from seven weeks at an academy, where he met a woman and he started an affair with her. She's stationed at his base, so after they came back the affair continued, until i got suspisious and traced the cell records, called her and left vm asking about the relationship. That's when he came home and confessed. We talked about it and both decided we would try to work through this. But since then he has progressively retreated from me, to where now he hardly speaks to me, except to say he's just not sure if this marriage will work because he's thinking he needs to be single and deployed all the time. He just hates his life here and believes that we don't do anything and are boring. Says he's felt this way for a couple years, since about the time he came back from being deployed 4 months in Iraq and since the time I quit my 6 figure job and started my own business. I know that I haven't been all that attentive for the last year, been busy struggling starting my business, but thought our relationship would survive all. Also, I feel like I've been the one always taking care of all the financial and home things for him, so he's always had such an easy ride in this relationship. Now that things have gotten bad, he just wants out. I started seeing a therapist and bought books to help us through it all, but he refuses to do anything right now, just comes home and doesn't talk, doesn't look at me, won't kiss me, stopped saying he loves me this week.

 

Although, over the last week, we've had sex 4 times and it's been fantastic! Go figure.... At this point, I'm slowly starting to get out of the fog, want to save me marriage but understand that I need to take care of myself first. Any advise? What's happened to my once wonderful husband?

[whichwayisup]

He is in an affair fog..I mean to divorce without even trying to fix the marriage, do counselling together and give it his best BEFORE deciding it's over?

 

He HAS to end it with the OW before you two have a real shot at this..

[Molley]

he did end it... but he admitted that he still thinks about her. But, its over, at least he says it is. Still, he won't make any additional moves to fix the marriage and work through his own depression. I feel like I'm going crazy, trying to give him space, but i'm normally a person who likes to communicate and touch, so its so hard not to have my best friend around when i'm hurting

[Mr. Lucky]

He HAS to end it with the OW before you two have a real shot at this..

he did end it... but he admitted that he still thinks about her.

Having read many similar threads here, it's often the case that what the WS says and what he does are two different things. Truthfulness was not a concern when the affair was hidden, so why do you think it's important to him now that the relationship is known?

 

If you want to stop the affair and save your marriage, you'll have to "out" him and the relationship to others around you. His CO? Her husband if one exists? His parents?

 

Time to come out swinging...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Molley]

really? I was hoping I wouldn't have to do that, if I out him to his CO, I worry that will get him in trouble, but then, i'm so angry right now. Angry that he's treating me like a nothing. Tonight when I confronted him about how he's not looking me in the eyes, won't talk to me. He said, well, I just feel that there's no spark there, what can i do? ARGH!!!

 

How about give it a try, don't just pull back? not sure how much more of this I can take before I actually tell him to leave. If I tell him to leave, I worry that he'll never come back.... I know... I'm just making myself crazy.

[2sunny]

i'm sorry to tell you this - but given his approach with you, not interacting and looking you in the eye... that's not too good. he is totally disconnected from you.

 

then... when he has sex with you he's thinking of the other gal. i guarantee it... that's why the sex has been so good. happens all the time. he's not really having sex with you when his mind is on her through the whole act.

[Mr. Lucky]

really? I was hoping I wouldn't have to do that, if I out him to his CO, I worry that will get him in trouble

You have some tough choices to make and to do so you'll have to bring some pressure to bear. Why would he change the sh*t end of the stick he's handing you now? He's got you giving him "great" sex 4x a week and he's got the option of the OW. Unless you get him out of his comfort zone, be prepared for an extended emotional rollercoaster ride with lies, broken promises and lost time and opportunity.

 

You need to make him choose NOW and get into MC with you. Read some of the other threads here, you'll find them instructive. Many, like you, thought that offering to forgive and work on the marriage was enough. Instead you end up enabling the cheating spouse to continue to play both ends against the middle while he figures out what he wants. Virtue rarely gets rewarded with a wandering spouse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[65tr6]

Any advise? What's happened to my once wonderful husband?

 

Your once wonderful husband has been "abducted" by the aliens and he is now become an evil alien himself.

 

Your husband has become cake-eater. He wants you for sex and also OW to conduct his affair. Molley, you need to make some tough decisions.

 

go to marriagebuilders.com and read up on various articles on infidelity. You need to be on Plan A and then ready with Plan B next.

 

Do you have any kids ?

 

What have you learnt from the books you read so far ?

 

What are YOU seeing therapy for ? How to get through your husband's infidelity ? He is the one who is sick not YOU.

 

Your questions about affair fog:

 

When waywards fall in love with the others (like in Lost), they are lost. They rewrite history. They think they married their spouse for all wrong reasons. They cannot think straight - due to the crooked nature of the affair. You have to snap them out of the fantasy.

 

You do this by,

 

Ending the affair - start with EXPOSING it. Is OW married, have a BF ?

Forcing your husband to maintain a total NC (no contact with OW)

Letting your husband how much he hurt you, your family

Letting him go through withdrawl. He needs the affair because he is addicted. He is totally addicted to the in love feelings he gets from his contact with OW. Acts more like a drug he needs on daily/regular basis.

 

And finally recovering your marriage. Recovery wont start until the preceding steps are in place.

[Molley]

thanks everyone for your responses. I went into therapy to 1) try to figure out how to save my marriage 2) to help me become whole again and to move past the pain of his affair.

 

No kids... 4 miscarriages, now I'm 43, he's 40... and we had discussed adoption, all this is on hold for now.

 

The other night I finally confronted him with all of my anger over what he had done to our marriage. He admitted that he was still communicating with the OW via email, but that it was all above board. I told him that any communication with her was an affair and that it needed to stop, that i was going to out them both. And that if he wasn't going to try to save this marriage that I needed him gone. That I wasn't going to hold on to him if he didn't want to be here. I needed to heal and move past our marriage. He had a choice, either stay or get the hell out of my life. He chose to stay and work thing through. It was pretty amazing... I totally lost my cool and yelled at him, hit him (I've never done this before) told him all of my feelings, how he hurt me and he snapped out of this fog. I couldn't believe it. We've been talking and being very intimate with each other for the last 3 evenings when he comes home from work. He even called me to say that he's been thinking of me.

 

During our discussions he confessed that he realized the OW was so much like me, it was scary... he said that under normal times, we could be best friends. For him, she was attentive and complimentary... all of those great things we do when we're starting a relationship. He was craving the attention, the conversations they were having, the excitment. So, he called her the next morning and told her no more communication between them, nothing. That he was committed to our marriage.

 

Over the weekend, we had watched the movie "FireProof" he didn't say a word to me (at that point we were barly speaking) but the other night he confessed that it was spot on (except that we never argued like the couple in the movie) and that it woke him up a bit.

 

So, at least I feel we're on the path to working things through. We're going to make our marriage an exciting one again and we now know that if things start getting dull or we're not getting attention, we need to talk to our partner, to COMMUNICATE, before we go outside of the marriage.

 

Although, he hasn't committed yet to counciling, I'm going to continue to go to help me work through the affair and trust issues and to also help me naviagate how to fix our relationship. I feel that with time, he'll also start attending the sessions.

 

Right now we're taking it day by day. We're intimate with each other and we're talking and I do hope that it will lead to more. We've actually discussed furture plans too. Although, I continue to feel lost...and emotional. I do know that in order to make this work, he'll also have to do some of the heavy lifting that its not up to me to do it all.

[Mr. Lucky]

Although, he hasn't committed yet to counciling, I'm going to continue to go to help me work through the affair and trust issues and to also help me naviagate how to fix our relationship. I feel that with time, he'll also start attending the sessions.

You're more patient that I would be as I wouldn't take "no" for an answer. You're doing 90%+ of the work and that's not a recipe for success. He won't value a repaired marriage that he didn't have a part in fixing and you run the danger of being back in the same place 6 months from now. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Molley]

yup, totally realize that in order to make it work, he's going to have to step up to the plate.... I need to have my needs met also, but at this point, its all so new and fresh (us trying to work it out) that I'm taking baby steps, day by day. He's going to have to get into therapy, I'm just giving things a bit of time at this point... not pushing it and trying to get myself a bit happier and healther.

[sky1200]

He needs to be totally transparent to you. How can you trust him after he had lied to you and cheated on you? Do you have all his passwords to his email accounts, phone records, etc.

 

What is he doing to prevent further contact from the OW? What is his plan when he has the urge to contact her again or when she initiates the contact?

 

Do you know where he is at all time? How do you know he doens't have a secret email account to communicate with her? How do you know she is not coming to town to spent an hour at some local motel with him? How do you know that their love notes/letters through emails stopped?

 

You need to do two things right now:

 

1) Order a digital voice activated recorder and place it where he will be along and likely to call her, such as under the seat of his car, in your room when you're at work, etc.

 

2) Download a software that allow you to monitor his online activities, including any emails he he sends out or receive.

 

Affairs, especially when emotions are involved and when he was planning to divorce you for her, usually don't end this easily.

[Tony T]

He needs to be totally transparent to you. How can you trust him after he had lied to you and cheated on you? Do you have all his passwords to his email accounts, phone records, etc.

 

What is he doing to prevent further contact from the OW? What is his plan when he has the urge to contact her again or when she initiates the contact?

 

Do you know where he is at all time? How do you know he doens't have a secret email account to communicate with her? How do you know she is not coming to town to spent an hour at some local motel with him? How do you know that their love notes/letters through emails stopped?

 

You need to do two things right now:

 

1) Order a digital voice activated recorder and place it where he will be along and likely to call her, such as under the seat of his car, in your room when you're at work, etc.

 

2) Download a software that allow you to monitor his online activities, including any emails he he sends out or receive.

 

Affairs, especially when emotions are involved and when he was planning to divorce you for her, usually don't end this easily.

 

If someone is in a marriage or relationship where all the above is necessary, that person is better off just getting far away from it. This is no way to live. Even Jerry Springer would be repulsed.

[65tr6]

I do know that in order to make this work, he'll also have to do some of the heavy lifting that its not up to me to do it all.

 

Molley, the biggest heavy lifting you can expect from your husband are the following

 

1) Total NC with OW

2) Open and honest communication with you on regular/daily basis

 

If the two steps above are broken, then remember your recovery is meaningless and your marriage is not going anywhere.

 

Your marriage wont be fixed in a matter of weeks or even months. It is a long way to get there. The truth is the BS gets to do most of the work in the initial several months of recovery. You cannot expect him to start working on your marriage or even start to meet your needs right away. Wont work that way at all. Remember he is the one who had the affair because he found something he LIKED outside your marriage. Right now he has no f* motivation to save your marriage.

 

As sky suggested monitor his movements, activities in the meantime. Install keylogger on the computer and a GPS in his car. He cannot be trusted until he defogs and withdraws completely from the OW.

[Molley]

65TR6 - thanks for the great advise. You're right... he's got to get over the OW before we can start recovery. I'm seeing that now. Over the last week, we seemed to be moving forward, we started talking again and we've had the best sex, everynight... it's like we're making up for lost years. But then, the weekend came and he retreated again. Back into that fog, I guess too much time for him to think and remember the OW... he's not yet finished being addicted to her. Still, as uncomfortable as the weekend was, we did take a day trip on Saturday. Then Sunday he told me that "it" doesn't seem right. That he sees me like his sister right now.

 

So, I pulled up some pages on marriagebuilders.com and started reading to him, about what he's going through right now, how it's going to take time for him to get through the fog and get over her and that I understand why he's pushing me away. I also found some interesting info about male mid-life crisis, which addresses why he's so unhappy about life in general... he actually sat there and listened to it all and then said it made sense and we seemed to be better after that.

 

For now, its working on myself, making sure I don't start freaking out and making sure he pulls through by not seeing the

OW

. After he's over his addiction, we can start recovery and I do hope we'll be able to move past the fact that he thinks of me as his sister!

[AnthonyF]

Sorry what you are going through, it can not be easy. A few things I will note and ask questions.

 

1) No children I am sure are difficult and was not planned. 18 years together is a long time.

2) I don't know the army life, so I am not sure how often you have been apart during that time and how your schedules are and the affect it has.

3) You earned a 6 figure salary and are now establishing your own business. I take it you always earned more then him. Otherwise has this been a traditional Army marriage (where wife is the housewife)? Not trying to be sexist. How much less are you bringing monetarily now?

4) You caught him and are now having the best sex of your life (and lots of it), during what is often the most traumatic time..... The fact this started when he was not communicative or talking to you, is troubling. He should be thrilled. The fact you are having this much great sex is telling.

5) I always hate to come back to the physical, but how have you 2 changed over the years? Us men are very visceral in our responses to attractiveness.

6) No children, what interests do you share, how much do you travel, entertain and go out.

7) Are you religious? Maybe a stretch, but I checked Fireproof (had never heard of it) and it is a religion based film, with the reviews pretty much stating that only Christians will really appreciate it.

[pkn06002]

Let me add something as a WH, don't put so much faith in the sex. It could be as simple as a way to fill the void he is feeling as he withdrawals from the OW. I know that is what I did for the first month after ending it with the OW. Be ready for the fact it may taper off as he deals more with you instead of withdrawals from the OW.

 

Take the sex for what it is, something enjoyable but don't think things are "fixed" because of it.

 

Your husband sounds like he is going through what I am right now. Sometimes things seem OK others you just want to be by yourself and think. Get him to talk and to get out all of the things in his head, because right now he is confused as to what he really feels and wants.

 

As 65tr6 stated there are no quick fixes.

[Molley]

No children, we originally planned not to, then when we decided that yes, we did, it was heart breaking... difficulty conceiving and then 4 misscarriages after...

 

Being a spouse of a military person, in this case air force, is difficult at times. he's been gone a lot... we've always been able to handle it well, or so I thought, it's not until all of this has come out that I realize just how much I really did miss him and worry about him while he was away. The longest time was 15 months, when he moved to europe and we saw each other every 3 months. the latest was a tour in Iraq, where after he returned, i noticed some differences in him. Each time he left I would put myself into this little box that wouldn't feel, didn't want to feel the lonliness, the pain of not knowing if he was ok... The lies of telling him all is ok because i didn't want to add to his stress. And then there's the stress of me taking care of everything while he's gone...

3) Yes, always have earned more money then him, most of my career the difference has been significant and the money has afforded us to live in a style that most enlisted military can't. He never seemed to have a problem with my salary and we really never talked about it. We just enjoyed each other. Right now, I've lost money... so his salary is the only thing coming in. Although before I left my job, I sold off a lot of stock options that I had which helped us through the 1st year. Right now I'm starting to look for another job, and I've decided to put my business on the back burner. Need to get my life more in order, spend less time working.

 

I believe I'm an attractive female, have always had my choice of men when I was single. Over the years in our marriage, I have gained weight, but have have over the last couple of months really slimmed back down, to the point that I really find myself pretty sexy :-) ! And I think that's part of the reason I'm enjoying sex so much right now, he likes the way I look and that turns me on... He never seemed to have a problem when I was heavier, but I did, and I was much more reluctant to show myself to him.

 

6) No children, what interests do you share, how much do you travel, entertain and go out. - We love wine tasting, we just enjoy going out and seeing new sights. Although, for the last year we really haven't done much of anything... that's part of the problem... he's been gone so much and I've been busy with my bus, no traveling. We love to entertain and often have friends over for dinners and we used to go out a couple time a week because we enjoy trying new restaurants, but since the money has dried up, we don't do much of that either.

7) Are you religious? Nope, not religious, spiritual, yes. I thought Fireproof was a good movie and got its point across. Although, the acting was awful. It really makes a statement that marriage is special and you need to work on correcting the problem before tossing everything out so easily.

 

I'm taking the sex for what it is at this point, sex and fun.... there are no quick fixes, it will be a long road. This morning he finally said that he's ready for counciling and we're going to our first session next week. No promises he said.... well, at this point, there's no promises on either side. I know he's confused, I'm hurt... we're trying to talk to each other and be kind.

[Molley]

 

Your husband sounds like he is going through what I am right now. Sometimes things seem OK others you just want to be by yourself and think. Get him to talk and to get out all of the things in his head, because right now he is confused as to what he really feels and wants.

 

As 65tr6 stated there are no quick fixes.

 

PKN - are you trying to work it out with your wife? What are you doing to move past the withdrawl? I'm realizing that after I draw him out and make him talk, things become much better for us, it releaves the pressure.

[pkn06002]

PKN - are you trying to work it out with your wife? What are you doing to move past the withdrawl? I'm realizing that after I draw him out and make him talk, things become much better for us, it releaves the pressure.

 

Am personally trying to work things out? To an extent yes.

 

I moved past the withdrawals a few months back(took about 8 months), how I got past that was just time away from OW. That is why NC is so important to do. I did write a lot along with IC. That does not mean all thoughts of the OW are gone they are just not the focus anymore. It just takes time to fade.

 

Yes definitely talk with your husband since that is the only way you are going to make progress. My wife did that at first, then when she started to feel that things were OK she went back to her "normal". Which does "us" no good. Before you ask yes I have told her we need to continue to talk etc...

 

People all over this site will tell you, your marriage is different now. The "old" ways are not what you should rely on those days are gone. If you try to make things the way they were, you may just end up back where you started.

 

Your husband has a lot going on in his mind at this point. Tons of emotions going everywhere. 65tr6 has it right that he has little motivation since he went out and filled those voids, without your help. There will be windows where he will want you to fill those voids, don't let those opportunities go by. Those opportunities are important since each one of those lets you replace the OW in his mind. Unfortunately there really is no way to really tell if it is you or the OW he is thinking about at the time though. That is why I say be careful on what you judge success on.

 

Lastly

Don't judge your progress by other stories here. Everyone is different and that can become a really depressing process if you are not progressing like others are. Your relationship will heal or fail on it's own timeline.

[Molley]

Thanks Pkn - yes, you're right, I know there are many voids that will need to be filled, I'm watching out for those. I'm also realizing that some of the things I didn't do, wanted to do, I should have... just little things like giving him a call in the middle of the day to say hi, I'm thinking of you... I always throught he wouldn't like that because he's busy, but then I realized that's what the OW was doing... they were communicating throughout the day (amazing what info phone records provide) Since the affair lasted no more than a month, I'm hoping that his withdrawl time will be a bit less, but who knows. I was encouraged today when he emailed me some job info that he found on the government/military site. I've decided to try to find a regular paying position, put my business on hold for now, until the economy recovers... at this point I need to find something that will pay my bills if my marriage does not pull through. So, either he was thinking of me and doing something kind, or he wants to make sure I get a job as quickly as possible so that he can move on.... I know, I'm being c[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]ynical [/FONT][/sIZE]

.

[pkn06002]

Thanks Pkn - yes, you're right, I know there are many voids that will need to be filled, I'm watching out for those. I'm also realizing that some of the things I didn't do, wanted to do, I should have... just little things like giving him a call in the middle of the day to say hi, I'm thinking of you... I always throught he wouldn't like that because he's busy, but then I realized that's what the OW was doing... they were communicating throughout the day (amazing what info phone records provide) Since the affair lasted no more than a month, I'm hoping that his withdrawl time will be a bit less, but who knows. I was encouraged today when he emailed me some job info that he found on the government/military site. I've decided to try to find a regular paying position, put my business on hold for now, until the economy recovers... at this point I need to find something that will pay my bills if my marriage does not pull through. So, either he was thinking of me and doing something kind, or he wants to make sure I get a job as quickly as possible so that he can move on.... I know, I'm being c[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]ynical [/FONT][/sIZE]

.

 

If the affair was "only" a month you have a better chance since he really was just in the beginnings of getting attached. But be prepared for the withdrawals to still take a few weeks to even a few months.

 

But sounds like you are identifying what the OW gave him which is a good thing.

 

Good luck

[Molley]

We had kind of a break through last night when he came home from work. He came home early, we went for a bike ride, then while I was prepping for dinner we started talking. He admitted that he was in a funk because he keeps thinking about the OW, that maybe he was further along in his feelings toward her than he had originally let on. I asked if he was in love with her and although he didn't admit it, he said he wasn't sure. But then I wonder, do people actually fall in LOVE within a months time? And if he does love her, then why's he with me? Why try to put our marriage together, why go through all this pain when instead he could be happily with her. I asked if he's had any contact, he was very honest in saying no, not since last Tuesday when they completely broke it off. I also asked if he was thinking of her while we were having sex and he was adamant that during those times, he was only thinking about me, however afterwards he felt guilty because this is the only way we can connect right now, and he then goes back to thinking of the OW.

 

I also found out that there was abuse in his family when he was growing up. Guess the dad beat his mom and the kids... no wonder they're all messed up and he can't show love towards me, he doesn't know how. I can't believe I've been with this man for almost 19 years and I'm just now finding out this piece of his life.

 

So we talked, it was painful at times, very insightful and I feel that we are making progress. Today will be interesting, he seemed very distant when he got up this morning... not unlike any other morning.

[pkn06002]

Molly

 

I can relate to that funk felling and just being detached, it sucks frankly you really don't know what to feel. It is complicated as to why you just don't pickup and leave for the OW. Yes it sounds like a simple black/white idea but in practice it is not that easy.

 

Question for you though are you sure it was only going on for a month?

 

Keep talking and at this point keep it light and like Owl has suggested to others keep it to a defined time limit. Let him feel safe enough to open up and to be honest.

 

If he thinks of the OW while with you is really not important and you are not going to get an honest answer anyway. He is with you and that is the important part.

 

Remember to look for those windows of opportunity and make sure you make them count.

 

He will eventually come out of the whole post-affair feelings then comes the hard work where he HAS to be willing to put in work.

[AnthonyF]

No children, we originally planned not to, then when we decided that yes, we did, it was heart breaking... difficulty conceiving and then 4 misscarriages after...

 

Being a spouse of a military person, in this case air force, is difficult at times. he's been gone a lot... we've always been able to handle it well, or so I thought, it's not until all of this has come out that I realize just how much I really did miss him and worry about him while he was away. The longest time was 15 months, when he moved to europe and we saw each other every 3 months. the latest was a tour in Iraq, where after he returned, i noticed some differences in him. Each time he left I would put myself into this little box that wouldn't feel, didn't want to feel the lonliness, the pain of not knowing if he was ok... The lies of telling him all is ok because i didn't want to add to his stress. And then there's the stress of me taking care of everything while he's gone...

3) Yes, always have earned more money then him, most of my career the difference has been significant and the money has afforded us to live in a style that most enlisted military can't. He never seemed to have a problem with my salary and we really never talked about it. We just enjoyed each other. Right now, I've lost money... so his salary is the only thing coming in. Although before I left my job, I sold off a lot of stock options that I had which helped us through the 1st year. Right now I'm starting to look for another job, and I've decided to put my business on the back burner. Need to get my life more in order, spend less time working.

 

I believe I'm an attractive female, have always had my choice of men when I was single. Over the years in our marriage, I have gained weight, but have have over the last couple of months really slimmed back down, to the point that I really find myself pretty sexy :-) ! And I think that's part of the reason I'm enjoying sex so much right now, he likes the way I look and that turns me on... He never seemed to have a problem when I was heavier, but I did, and I was much more reluctant to show myself to him.

 

6) No children, what interests do you share, how much do you travel, entertain and go out. - We love wine tasting, we just enjoy going out and seeing new sights. Although, for the last year we really haven't done much of anything... that's part of the problem... he's been gone so much and I've been busy with my bus, no traveling. We love to entertain and often have friends over for dinners and we used to go out a couple time a week because we enjoy trying new restaurants, but since the money has dried up, we don't do much of that either.

7) Are you religious? Nope, not religious, spiritual, yes. I thought Fireproof was a good movie and got its point across. Although, the acting was awful. It really makes a statement that marriage is special and you need to work on correcting the problem before tossing everything out so easily.

 

I'm taking the sex for what it is at this point, sex and fun.... there are no quick fixes, it will be a long road. This morning he finally said that he's ready for counciling and we're going to our first session next week. No promises he said.... well, at this point, there's no promises on either side. I know he's confused, I'm hurt... we're trying to talk to each other and be kind.

 

Thanks for the answers and I hope all works out. The answers you gave certainly answered many of my pop-psychological thoughts. I don't want to be a wet blanket but I hope counseling answers questions that I asked.

 

1. More sex now, certainly takes his mind off the OW and makes withdrawal much easier. Are you having a lot more now then in the past?

2. New relationships are always more exciting, more dangerous and definitely a change from reality. Your change in monetary status I am sure has had a major affect, more then he has let on.

3. Feeling better about yourself and to him is sexy and right now he is home, so less chance to stray (mind or body).

 

I am still stuck on his being away (yes it is his job) and that you maintained a very good standard of living with him away. I am very sorry about the family question, but not knowing the military life I always think that it is the family that keeps them on the straight and narrow when they are away.

 

This is me as a male talking (and sure some females feel the same), but I can't understand LDR's and wonder how much temptation a person can take in such a relationship if there is not a traditional family (kids) involved.