marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[Molley]

Hi Taylor,

 

You have no idea how great it was to see your post this morning. Today's been kind of a down morning for me. I actually had a good nights sleep but woke up with that sick, hopless and lost feeling. I'm slowly coming to the realization of all the things I did and didn't do for our marriage... beating myself up, even though I know I shouldn't be doing that.

 

The fact that my H didn't call last night, this is the first time in all of our separations because of the military that he didn't call to say all is ok, really cut deeply. I'm praying that he will come out of the fog and realize that 18 years of mostly a wonderful marriage is worth trying to save.

 

I'm going to my IC session in a few, hopefully that will motivate me a bit more. Yes, I need that JOB... gotta get out of this house which is become too depressing for me to be in right now.

[pkn06002]

Molly,

Why do you feel that the 18 years has mostly been good? I mean in specifics not general feeling.

 

I ask this for a specific reason have you discussed that topic with your husband? Because right now he sees only the bad stuff he is not concentrating on the any of the good stuff. If you wait hoping he will see the value in it, he might not.

 

Don't be passive and buy into the idea the WS has to do all the work, because I have yet to see a story (anywhere) where that has been successful. He has to shown why you value the marriage and why he should also (besides the great sex).

[Snowflower]

Hi Taylor,

 

The fact that my H didn't call last night, this is the first time in all of our separations because of the military that he didn't call to say all is ok, really cut deeply. I'm praying that he will come out of the fog and realize that 18 years of mostly a wonderful marriage is worth trying to save.

 

 

 

I can understand how you would feel very hurt by your H not calling. I know it hurts.

 

My husband did the exact same thing to me when he was away on a business trip and things were getting rough between us. He would always call me-lots and lots of times when he was away. But not that time. No, he was not with the OW--but he was confused and I guess needed the break from everything.

 

When your husband comes home, at some point (doesn't have to be right away) gently tell him how sad you were when he didn't call. It might impact him more than you think...even if he doesn't say much either way or even if he responds with a snarky comment.

 

But, it is important that your husband know that despite everything, that you still care for him-even if it is the fact that you miss getting his calls when he is away. Leave him be, if you think that is best. Maybe send him a quick text if you are able to and if you think he would be okay with it.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling down today, Molley. I'm thinking of you!

[Snowflower]

 

Don't be passive and buy into the idea the WS has to do all the work, because I have yet to see a story (anywhere) where that has been successful. He has to shown why you value the marriage and why he should also (besides the great sex).

 

I completely agree with you, pkn. I agree that the WS can't do all the work right now. And that is the common perception...since the WS screwed up by having the affair then they are the ones who need to figure out how to fix it.

 

I know my husband couldn't even begin to try to fix things when he was at that stage-he was fixated on the negative, on things that had happened years ago. I had to tell him over and over how much I wanted to be married to him and that our marriage was worth saving.

 

At the time, I thought I was being stupid (or desperate) doing what I was doing-by telling my husband that our marriage was something worth fighting for. I had to remind him about all the good times and the life we had built together. I literally begged my husband to not give up on us.

 

Now that we are months into recovery during our talks my husband told me that my actions (talking, pleading) really helped him begin to achieve some clarity...although it took him awhile to realize it.

 

So, Molley, this is the part where we as BS get to do the hard work. It's unfair and emotionally exhausting. I felt like I was in the fight of my life...

[Molley]

Well H finally called right before I had to leave for my IC session, it was good to hear from him, even though he was rushing off for lunch, I was rushing to my appt, and we couldn’t really talk. I remained positive throughout the conversation.

 

I don’t believe that it’s up to the WS at this time to do all the work, in fact I realize that he can’t right now. So, I’ve been trying to show him that I love, I’ve told him on numerous occasions and the night before he left and right before he got out of the car at the airport, I was very specific in letting him know how much he meant to me and that I loved him. I’ll need to start doing more of that. The thing is, I’ve received feedback to not smother him, to give him space… so, there seems to be a fine line. Snowflower, I’m with you, I would prefer my husband knows how I feel, I want him to know how important he is and how important our marriage is to me. If it doesn’t work out, at least I’ll be at peace knowing that I had tried, that I had let him know and I showed him that I loved him. I wonder just how much of what I am saying is getting through to him, through that fog

 

Yes, I do know that most of our marriage has been a good one, that we were deeply in love and committed to each other. We did fun things, went out to dinners, enjoyed our times together, had great conversations, we were affectionate. And PKN, I’m going to start talking about those years, slowly bringing them up to him, so that he can remember… thanks you guys for reminding me that I need to do this bit.

[pkn06002]

if you have to make a list of the things you find special about your marriage. There will be overlap that will help him with the benefit/lose thinking he might be doing.

 

He has to see there is more up than down to staying.

 

Tell you what Molly I am jealous of your husband I wish my wife would've taken this much interest in fixing things.

[Snowflower]

The thing is, I’ve received feedback to not smother him, to give him space… so, there seems to be a fine line. Snowflower, I’m with you, I would prefer my husband knows how I feel, I want him to know how important he is and how important our marriage is to me. If it doesn’t work out, at least I’ll be at peace knowing that I had tried, that I had let him know and I showed him that I loved him. I wonder just how much of what I am saying is getting through to him, through that fog

 

 

I'm glad to hear your H called you. I think that is always a good sign. I hope your conversation was good.

 

I know what you mean about not wanting to smother him and to give him space. But yet you still need to try to maintain/nurture that connection. You're right, Molley...it is a very fine line. Just do your best at this (I think you are doing great from what you are posting here) and remember that no matter what, you know your husband very well. This knowledge of him will help guide you in figuring out when to it's right to approach him and when to "back off."

 

I know he seems like a stranger sometimes but just really study his actions, what he says and doesn't say and take your cue from that.

 

As for the fog and the weird behavior from him, just keep trying to connect with him in little ways. Talk to him if he seems like he is willing to talk, remind him of the good times that you shared, etc.

 

Hang in there and enjoy this respite this week from having to deal with your H and his emotional rollercoaster!

[Snowflower]

 

Tell you what Molly I am jealous of your husband I wish my wife would've taken this much interest in fixing things.

 

I feel badly for you, pkn that your wife isn't interested in fixing things. I think that it is great that you wanted to try.

[Molley]

Thanks PKN and Sunflower for the guidance. I'm going to sit down tonight and start a list. My BFF actually wanted me to do a list too... only about all the things that drove me crazy about him. The funny thing was, except for a few little dum,dum things... not much really made me angry. Maybe I'm too easy going. I think it's interesting that she wanted me to concentrate on the negative.

 

PKN, it's destressing for me to hear that your wife hasn't stepped up to the plate and you're doing all the heavy lifting. I do hope she'll come around and wake up before something changes in you. Just as I hope my husband will wake up...

[pkn06002]

I appreciate the concern thanks.

 

I am one example of what a lot of BS say where the WS has to do the heavy lifting, does not seem to work all that great. But your millage may very.

 

I do want to clarify it is not that my wife it not interested in fixing things she is just used to me always fixing things. So she is continuing what she knows.

 

Do keep it positive Molly, don't give into the whole notion of punishment and being vindictive. You can see forum after forum of people like that, where they are either now single or in marriages that are far from healed.

 

Just keep in mind cost vs. benefit.

[Molley]

yes, I've read through many forums that are so negative, its quite depressing. I actually have a hard time reading some of the infidelity forums on LS... glad I didn't post there because I would have received totally different support and guidance.

 

I’m not a vindictive person and at this point I want to begin to heal and set things right with my husband. It took both of us to get to this point. Yes, the A was horrible and it will never be forgotten but I believe we can move past it and make our marriage better. I just hope my husband will come around to feeling the same way, that he’s not so far “checked out” that there’s no coming back. Because I do believe that love and being in love does return…

[pkn06002]

yes, I've read through many forums that are so negative, its quite depressing. I actually have a hard time reading some of the infidelity forums on LS... glad I didn't post there because I would have received totally different support and guidance.

 

I’m not a vindictive person and at this point I want to begin to heal and set things right with my husband. It took both of us to get to this point. Yes, the A was horrible and it will never be forgotten but I believe we can move past it and make our marriage better. I just hope my husband will come around to feeling the same way, that he’s not so far “checked out” that there’s no coming back. Because I do believe that love and being in love does return…

 

Now that is a great positive outlook!!!

 

Regardless of the outcome you will be OK.

[Molley]

I woke up this morning strangely calm and noticed that I actually slept more than the standard 4 hours, wow, I think I got 6 hrs of sleep! Now that’s an accomplishment! Went and had lunch with a good childhood friend of mine. We lost contact with each other about 7 years ago and just recently were brought back together, since this has happened, she’s been one of my rocks of support. After a nice lunch of Mexican burrito, I decided to stop in at church for a bit of inspiration and quite reflection. I’ve never been much of a church goer… the holidays, yes… but every Sunday, my H and I preferred to spend the time together. But, I have always been spiritual and going back to church has given me a sense of peace. Also, I figured now would be a good time to actually pray and ask for divine intervention because, heck, I need some help to get through this. So, I’ve been hanging out at the church pretty regularly, me, God, Jesus, Mary and the Saints chatting away

 

Today, while at church praying for a miracle, I believe I was in the middle of saying “please show me a sign…” a call came in from my H (yes, I had the phone on vibrate.) I stepped outside to call him back. He’s coming home tonight instead of tomorrow afternoon. He seemed to be in good spirits, called to let me know the conference ended early and they decided to come home this evening. He gave me the time to pick him up and I told him “have a safe flight and I love you.” The we hung up. Now, he just landed midway and called me to say he’ll be in later than he thought, but at least he called me. I sure hope I don’t fall asleep and once again pick him up late!

 

After the call, I returned back to church and continued to reflect and pray. Church is an interesting place in the middle of the day, people continually walk in, pray for their families, loved ones, broken hearts and spirits. When I first walked in, I was the only one there, after a few minutes, I became surrounded by five people who sat down close to me. For a while, I almost felt like we were picking up each other’s spirit, praying for one another. It was incredibly soothing for me. I finally decided to move to the back of the church and as I had my head in my hands a lady in medical scrubs walked by me, she had been there just about as long as I had. She turned around behind me, put her hand on my shoulder and said “hello, my name is Claudia,” we shook hands “God loves you, it will be okay.” Then she hugged me, smiled and walked away. The fact that that this gentle soul actually took the time to say something kind to me while I was in distress, was… I can’t even tell you what it was, amazing.

 

So, now I’m home…. Trying to remain calm, another 5 hours before I have to pick him up. I already threw up my lunch, so now I don’t have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach :-) and once again I’m starting to feel a bit calmer. Too bad I’ve got a client visit this evening, really need a glass of wine right now.

[Snowflower]

When I was reading your post just now, I actually said aloud, "Oh my G--" when you said your phone rang when you were asking for a sign. If that isn't a sign, especially because your H is coming home early and just happened to call you... I don't know what is...

 

I found your post very inspiring today, Molley, because I am feeling very down today myself for some reason. I'm not sure why...I had a bad dream last night...I think triggered by my post to you about how my H didn't call me when he was away on a business trip. I woke up this morning thinking about it and it has haunted me all day long.

 

My IC says I am still angry at my husband even though I have tried hard to work through it. And I don't want to feel this anger. And boy, did I feel angry toward him today even though he did absolutely nothing wrong. I am trying so hard to forgive him--it is a process and I was doing so well. But today something was different--I know it is me and NOT him. He is doing nothing wrong and tries so hard to fix things. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

 

Maybe I should try visiting a church, too. I'm not a spiritual person, at least not all that much. I haven't been in a church since my father died in 2007. Pretty bad, I know. But I have been inspired by your post and maybe I'll have to go visit soon.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading my post...maybe I helped you pass a little time this evening. I hope things go well when your husband returns-somehow I think they will! Have a good evening.

[Molley]

Oh my gosh Snowflower, I am so sorry... I know your reading all the threads here and posting your own is bringing back the past and although you had thought you moved on, I'm sure there's residual anger still lurking. Especially since you really were the one who worked so hard in the first stages to set everything right. I know that I'm so consumed with trying to save my marriage, I've just put everything about the affair on the back burner, I've actually stopped thinking about it, moved on. But now I'm thinking... if I don't end up dealing with it sometime soon, will it come back to bite me? At the same time, I just don't think we, as BS's have the capacity to deal with everything at the same time.... something will be pushed aside, such as the call from your husband, that probably triggered other thoughts too.

 

I'm sure you are still angry with your husband, that's only natural, it really hasn't been all that long, and we are only human, we burry things so deep within us, I have a feeling that we'll end up with triggers for many years to come. For you, your marriage has come so far and is doing so well, I know you'll both be able to deal with it and move forward.

 

Tomorrow will be a much better day for you. As for me, my H's plane was delayed, so now it's not coming in until much later... ugh. delay, delay, delay... someone thinks he's being soooo funny.

 

Honestly, going to the church, while there isn't a service happening, really has been very soothing for me. Something about the quiet and low light, just being able to calmly think and pray. Give it a try. Spiritual or not, I'm sure you'll be welcome.

 

Again, I'm so sorry for bringing on that trigger, I do hope it will pass quickly for you.

[Molley]

well, not sure what I was expecting upon picking my H up at the airport. Maybe a bit more of anything? But no, he was still the same guy, maybe a bit more normal when speaking.... but he didn't have much to say, I lead the conversations we had. I know he was tired, by the time the plane landed, we got the luggage and drove home it was 12:30AM... no signs of affection at all. Funny how there used to be affection before the A and during the A and now there's nothing, except for when he wants sex.

 

So got home and he turned on the lights to his room. I told him he's welcome upstairs with me, but he didn't say anything, except that he needed to get some clothing then he went back downstairs and that's that. Sleeping apart still. Guess he also decided to go to work tomorrow, even though I know they gave him the day off.

[Molley]

I got up with my H at 5AM, he wasn't in his uniform but in shorts and shirt. Asked him why he wasn't in uniform and finally he told me that he had planned to go out and hit some golf balls before going in. He wants to go in because of all the things waiting for him after being away for a few days. I asked him if he was going to see the OW or was he telling me the truth. He said that he's not going to go see her.

 

He said if I didn't want him to go in then he wouldn't go in.. then he asked why all of the sudden I was taking an interest in him, wow.... so we sat down and talked. I told him that dispite all that he might be thinking right now, I never stopped loving him, that Iwas sorry for all the past hurts.... went through it all. But, even after all that, he said that his feelings have changed, that he no longer feels the same way about me. That he's confused and needs to go see his IC to help him work through it all. He's also still dealing with his own unhappiness issues, trying to figure out how to make himself happy, so that's another thing to work through. I told him that I made a commitment to be there through the good and bad and this was the bad... that although right now he doesn't want to do anything for the marriage, I'm not giving up on it. Not sure if anythng I said sunk in...

 

After about 45min of conversation, he left to go do his stuff. I think he's got a lot of internal crap to work through, deal with, the A... his unhappiness, the fact that he gave up on the marriage.

 

So, I don't know, it's difficult to figure out if that love/affection that he felt for me for so many years, I believe he felt until the A... will ever return. I believe those feelings do come back but take time...

 

I decided to start using the book "The Love Dare" I heard it's done some amazing things for couples who are on the brink... at this point everything is worth a try.

[pkn06002]

Molly,

I understand the need to find answers I did the same thing. It does not hurt to read as many things as you can. Just know you will not find any magic answers for what you are going through. The only thing that seems to work it communication and time.

 

Have you read the languages of love yet? If not add that to your list it is some interesting reading.

[Molley]

Hi PKN,

 

Thanks for the reference, I haven't read that book, but have heard about it.

 

This morning, after my conversation with my H, I went back to bed to grab a bit of sleep. I woke up with a sick feeling and went online to check cell phone usage. and sure enough... he had made a 18 min call from his cell phone, using a 800# AT&t phone card. So I called him this morning about it, he told me he had called the scank. So, I told him that he needs to come home, pack is stuff and get out, it's over, I want him out of my life. He didn't say anything except for "humm." so I said it all again. Then he said "what if I just come home?" So, now I'm waiting for him to come home, of course I've already packed all his stuff and its waiting for him downstairs. I've had it, here I am telling him that I love him, that it will work out... I'm trusting that SOB and he calls HER, right after he called me last night to say there plane was delayed. He told me he had to go and grab a bite to it.

 

Sorry, I'm not an idiot, I won't be used... I need to be respected and he crossed the line so far that it made it really easy for me to let go this morning. Guess that's, that.

[pkn06002]

Molly,

He was honesty with you that he called her that is one thing. (shrug)

 

Look at what Taylor has posted she communicated for weeks, in my case months with the OW/OM until full NC was really done.

 

But you are right to be mad though, since he did try to hide it with the calling card.

[Molley]

yes, I realize that NC is difficult and sometimes it takes months to establish. However I felt like I was lied to yet again and belittled, disrespected. I'm so angry right now, I can't see straight. The fact that he's sitting in the house right now and can't make up his mind if he wants to stay or go is just sickening to me. He said that he doesn't want a divorce, yet... he's not showing any action to stop it. He said the OW is new and exciting, we're just stale. Boy, there's a good reason to dumb 18 years without even trying to fix it.

 

I actually left for a bit, took a walk along the creek in our development, came back and he still was just sitting there. Then I started taking all his things that I had packed and putting them in his truck. He asked if this is what I really wanted. No, it's not, AGAIN... told him that I love him, but he needs to step forward a bit, show me something that he's trying to make us not stale. I can't continue in this holding pattern, wondering if he's with her, talking to her, will he come home, does he want to talk or not talk. Ugh. Geez.... I'll do most of the hard stuff for our marriage, I just need to see something from him, anything. And the fact that he actually called her and sat with her on the phone while at the airport just makes me ill. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if stepped over somekind of line today, got pushed over and I lost so much respect for this man, will I be able to recover, will my anger ever go away?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Oh my god Molley, i've read all of your story

 

I am by no means 'qualified' to deal with your story. I don't have the life experience to offer you much in the way of advice. It puts into perspective my own story. Reading it i've really felt your suffering. You are SO strong to have gone through this. SO, SO strong. I really don't know what to say! I wish I could say something that would be really profound and help you...but I just don't know what to say! I think if you've done EVERYTHING you can to ressurect this relationship, then if he decides to leave, at least you KNOW you did your BEST. You have poured all of your strength, heart, body and soul into this. If it doesn't work out, heal, nurture and nourish YOU. I wish you all the best, in whatever form or shape that way take. You are inspirational to me.

[Molley]

Hi Nikki,

 

Thanks so much... inspiration, no...I've made such a mess out of my marriage, it makes me sick to think about it.

 

Hy H is still at the house, he can't seem to walk out the door but can't commit to staying either. He can't say that he won't talk/see her again so thats a total deal breaker for me. He's so pathetic, do I really want a man like that? He's laying, napping on the sofa right now... geez, she can have him. Cause he's so flipping "exciting" himself. That's one of the reasons, by the way, he gave me for wanting out of the marriage, because she's new and exciting. Someone he's known for a couple of months. Of course. And I'm stale and boring, only... he's actually the stale and boring one. So, why won't he just leave? I refuse to put the rest of his stuff in the truck, he's got to do some of the hard stuff himself.

[angie2443]

I'm sorry you're still going through this. I really don't have much advice to give, just wanted to share some of my thoughts on this. It just feels to me that your husband is disregarding your feelings right now. He doesn't seem to be treating you to well. Maybe I'm reading more into your posts then is there. Maybe I'm making to many comparisons between your situation and my past situation. I was once in a position in which I was doing all the work and my feelings were always comming in last. I realize that this happens to many relationships and that sometimes one person is going to do all the work for a while. For me though, it wasn't untill I stood up for myself and demmanded more equality that I finally recieved it. It was hard. It became worse before it became better.

 

I know that many are telling you to stick with this and keep up the work and maybe this is the right thing to do. I don't know. I do know that at some point he's going to have to step up, or the relationship won't work.

[pkn06002]

Molly,

Here's the thing you can't force him to leave legally. So he can play the total ass and sit there looking stupid at you and doing/saying nothing.

 

Sounds like it is time to see the lawyer and ignore him totally.

 

Because if he cannot make that "promise" to you, he is not over her. Sounds like he really does not "want" to be over her. If that is the case you are in a comparison you can't win.