marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[Molley]

Yup, Angie and PKN you are both right.... he's not over her, he made the contact with her, no way I can win this. Time to move on.

 

PKN... guess I didn't realize that legally I can't toss him out. But, you're right this is his house as much as mine. Guess, I'm going to have to find a lawyer early next week to get this resolved.

 

Thanks!

[pkn06002]

Yup, Angie and PKN you are both right.... he's not over her, he made the contact with her, no way I can win this. Time to move on.

 

PKN... guess I didn't realize that legally I can't toss him out. But, you're right this is his house as much as mine. Guess, I'm going to have to find a lawyer early next week to get this resolved.

 

Thanks!

 

If you have joint ownership he can get the Sheriff to force you to let him back in.

 

Believe me I read up on this.

 

If either of you leave for an extended amount of time it can be considered abandonment and you lose rights to the property.

 

Get the lawyer. Oh here is the best part in your case. Since you are not working he would be on the hook for most of the costs.

[thegoodlife]

Molley I am so angry for you right now! Must be that women's intuition, you just get that feeling in the pit of your stomach and you just know.

 

I know I've commented prior to this commending you for being so strong, and you still are, my opinion on that matter hasn't changed. However, I do think you are right for packing his sh*t and telling him to go. You've done way more than your share to try and hold this marriage together and he betrays your trust YET AGAIN. I'm sorry, f*ck him, he's a loser and you deserve waaaaaay better. If he won't leave then try and see if you can get away to a girlfriend's house for a bit. God I'm furious for you.

 

He can give all the reasons/excuses under the sun for why he had the A, and why he's reluctant to work with you on making things better but the fact still is he is your husband, and he took vows. Sure we all make mistakes and that's a fact of life but then choosing to break his promises yet again and betray your trust again are inexcusable.

 

I'm sorry. *hugs*

[Molley]

Hey good to know, thanks so much! nothing better than him paying for both our lawyer costs. of course this will financially devasate both of us no matter what.

 

Thanks GoodLife, yes those my thought too... all of them at this point.

[Snowflower]

OMG Molley, I just logged on and read your posts. I've been away from a computer for most of the day...I'm so sorry to hear about how things are for you right now.

 

I'm so disappointed that your H called that skank after everything you have been trying to do to connect with him. I'm not sure what to say...like pkn said, it is good that he told you that he called her after you "confronted" him with cell phone records but what was he thinking?

 

Good for you for packing his s*** and telling him to leave. No, you probably can't make him leave legally but maybe it will make him get his a** in gear and decide what he wants to do.

 

I agree that it might be time to see a lawyer...just to know what your rights are. Do they have legal separation in your state? Legally separating, if that is an option, will protect you while you decide what to do.

 

I'm so sorry to hear of this latest development. I've been there, too...I made my H leave--I started telling him he needed to go even before I found out about the A. After he confessed, he left for several days. It's a long story and I was heartbroken but it turned out to be a good thing.

 

BTW, thanks for commiserating with me last night. A lot of what you mentioned was right on as both of us are BW's. But, we'll save that conversation for another time hopefully!

 

Best of luck Molley, I'm thinking of you.

[soserious1]

Molly,

 

I'm thinking that you taking this to the next level might actually be a good thing.

As things stand, your husband hasn't really HAD to sit down and seriously think about what he wants. He's been able to sway back and forth in limbo, keeping

you at arm's length. Even now he keeps asking you if this is what you want..

 

Bringing all of this to a head might actually be a good thing.. he'll need to decide what it is that he wants and accept ownership of that decision.

 

He's also getting a chance here to really see the depth of your feelings for him, you wouldn't be this angry if you didn't care for him.

[Snowflower]

Molly,

 

I'm thinking that you taking this to the next level might actually be a good thing.

As things stand, your husband hasn't really HAD to sit down and seriously think about what he wants. He's been able to sway back and forth in limbo, keeping

you at arm's length. Even now he keeps asking you if this is what you want..

 

Bringing all of this to a head might actually be a good thing.. he'll need to decide what it is that he wants and accept ownership of that decision.

 

He's also getting a chance here to really see the depth of your feelings for him, you wouldn't be this angry if you didn't care for him.

 

I agree 100% and this is totally how it went down in my situation. I was hoping your H would come around before it got to this point, Molley.

 

Molley, I sent you a PM!

[Molley]

Hi Snowflower, got your PM, thanks...

 

And SoSerious and SF, I'm thinking he does need to get out, or he'll stay on the fence forever. The guy couldn't make a decision to save his life. When he was buying his first car (a long time ago, right after we started dating) it took him a year to make a decision... yes a flippin year!!! over a car, so now he's making a life decision, geez.... i'm actually in amazement that he made a decision to have an affair.

 

Right now everything about him is making me ill. Just looking at him makes me angry and I don't want him anywhere near me. He just left for an awards dinner that I was also planning on attending, so thankfully he's no longer here. All of the baggage that I had dumped into his truck he pulled out and put in the garage, so I took the rest of his stuff and dumped it in the garage. I'm going to a friend house for dinner now but when I get back hopefully I'll be a bit more calm and I can write him a letter asking him to leave.

 

At this point I have no feelings for him, I haven't cried all day, first time since all this happened, so I'm kind of happy that I'm feeling so calm and actually pretty good. :-) Let's hope the rest of the weekend is a good one.

[Molley]

Early Saturday morning.. not sure if H is up or still sleeping, he's been holed up in his room. Last night when he got home I was in the bathtub, he came in and said goodnight to me. That's when I stopped him and told him that I wanted him to move out first thing in the morning. He just said ok. Then I told him that since he can't make a decision on his own, I'm making it for him. That I will no longer allow him to relegate me to 2nd postion with the OW, I deserve better treatment and better than him, that he's being selfish, he's been acting like its all about him and to me he's becoming less and less of a man by the hour. I also told him that when I look at him I don't see a man I see a pathetic little boy. Told him I would be filing for legal separation next week and then we would move on with a divorce from there.

 

All he said was OK... wow... so sad that all of our time spent together comes down to that one defining moment, where he doesn't give a rip. But, that speaks volumes to me.

 

I'm calling me parents and his parents today, once H leaves to let them know what happened. My parents already knew that we were having problems, but they didn't know about the A. However, his folks, have no idea that there's a problem at all...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Sorry Molley and if I do not post again it is because I have been banned. I have been following and we have discussed this earlier. Hopefully you'll know who I am.

 

I am so sorry that it has come to this. As I said in my earlier posts, where I asked questions and threw in my 2 cents worth, I am not someone with first hand knowledge about these types of situations, but can only empathize with the hurt and the betrayal you feel. I ask questions and my responses are simply what I think a male thinks and how he reacts. Your husband has been completely unfair and simply does not have the ability to speak and show his emotions, until it was much too late. Once the affair happened it was too late.

 

If he was honest and talked to you about what he felt before this transpired you probably had a very good shot at making it work and being happy. When he took that road (an Affair), with his make up it was as I read it almost impossible to reconcile.

 

Did you or anyone watch dateline Friday May 8th? The first hour was on infidelity and how and why it happens. Actually Molley a lot could have applied to you. The over-riding point was it was not generally for men about the sex (though I disagreed), it was how the other woman made the man feel.

 

What was said is that generally the OW was not better looking, better shape, younger that led to the affair..... it was that at home the spouse did not make him feel like a "special person". If there was a family and he did the chores, lawnwork, brought home the bacon and did the activities with the kids, the wife basically looked at it as "that is his job". At work where many of these affairs start the OW treated him and respected him as much more.

 

Now Molley I know not all this applied to you, but there was the year prior, where you retreated and focussed on your business, less income..... That is not an excuse, but it is sad to see how quick things can crumble.

 

I wish you the best.

[tami-chan]

Early Saturday morning.. not sure if H is up or still sleeping, he's been holed up in his room. Last night when he got home I was in the bathtub, he came in and said goodnight to me. That's when I stopped him and told him that I wanted him to move out first thing in the morning. He just said ok. Then I told him that since he can't make a decision on his own, I'm making it for him. That I will no longer allow him to relegate me to 2nd postion with the OW, I deserve better treatment and better than him, that he's being selfish, he's been acting like its all about him and to me he's becoming less and less of a man by the hour. I also told him that when I look at him I don't see a man I see a pathetic little boy. Told him I would be filing for legal separation next week and then we would move on with a divorce from there

 

Why legal separation? Why not divorce right away? are you holding out for "just-in-case-things-would change?"

[2sunny]

Molley,

 

this is good action on your part to get your self respect back.

 

where's Owl when we need him? he would say good move.

 

stand firm! MAKE him leave - you don't ASK - you TELL him!

 

he has made a mess of things and has literally left you in limbo - now you have forced some movement from his side. FOLLOW THROUGH.

 

if you don't - you are likely to be sitting in EXACTLY the same position you have been in the past short while - a year from now... maybe 20 years!

 

if nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

he doesn't need anything to change - he likes it this way. i don't know any gal that needs to put up with the day to day crap he's dishing out to you.

 

you will be able to move forward and find happiness - with or without him.

 

do not have sex with him anymore! you are rewarding his bad behavior. he sees this as you encouraging him and making everything that he's done just fine. it's not fine. where's HIS penalty? sex? i'm sorry, but that is just backwards. that should be a privilege and EARNED. he hasn't earned your love and affection lately and YOU continue to dole out rewards. why should he change? he gets the best of both worlds while he's sitting there doing NOTHING. not even trying to decide what to do - while everyone feeds his ego and pays attention to HIM.

 

geez, toss him out and let HIM be uncomfortable for a while - THEN he might be motivated to figure out what he really wants. if he's a guy that never decides anything - he may still just sit there doing nothing even though he doesn't like the chaos he's created for himself.

 

it's time for you to take your power back and learn to be happy with each day that comes, no matter what.

[angie2443]

Why legal separation? Why not divorce right away? are you holding out for "just-in-case-things-would change?"

 

In some places you have to go through a separation before you can divorce. At least, that's what I've heard.

[giotto]

mmmm, funny.. remember when I posted a gut feeling some days ago? When you went away... and I said that he would probably go and see (shag) her? It was a bit crude. But was I right? I think I was. I know men, because I'm a man... he's been lying to you all the way long... he wants the best of both worlds and he's torn apart... what he knows or the excitement of the new? Personally, I would have kicked him out ages ago. This "I don't know/I'm confused" attitude is just pathetic. He doesn't know what he wants because he can't decide between you and her... actually, he would like both of you... and you keep loving this pathetic little worm, who hasn't even got the guts to move out...

 

Sorry for the harsh words...

[pkn06002]

Hi Molly,

 

Well looks like you have your answer, which is better than none at all. Get that lawyer and start the proceedings. Do ask the lawyer about how living arrangements work.

 

Pulling for you.

[taylor]

Molley,

 

Unbelievable. Just unbelievable.

 

File for legal separation with peace of mind knowing you did everything in your power to save your marriage.

 

And then focus on moving on. He is not worth your time or effort now. He has proven that.

 

Unlike other posters who believe a legal separation can force him off the fence, I'd say legal separation is the first step to building a new life without him.

 

You husband doesn't need forced off a fence. He has made it perfectly clear he wants to continue the affair and not recommit to the marriage. He hardly blinked an eye at the thought of divorce.

 

Even if he did want to come back to you after a legal separation of sorts, would you really want him back, Molley?

 

It's just my own opinion, and I have stated it before, but if a man would willingly walk out the door for another woman, I would never want him back. EVER. It would be done.

 

FWIW, I feel sad for you, Molley. And truly disappointed.

 

Please keep posting.

[tami-chan]

Phew...Molly! How do you do it? You are really strong...

 

and thank goodness for that! There are a lot of things going for you, Molly:

 

1) based on your posts, you seem like a person with a good heart

2) you are smart and well-educated and therefore the potential to be financially successful on your own (again) is there

3) you are in good shape ( affair diet, notwithstanding!)

4) most probably very attractive

5) you are 40-you are at the prime of your life!

6) no kids-makes it a lot easier to move on.

 

molly, you are in a wayyyyyyyyyy better place than many here. You must have read some who have stayed in limbo for months, some years! and they are still miserable and still complaining about their decision (or non-decision).

 

time to make that conscious decision to let go of the source of your pain....we are pulling for you!!!!

[taylor]

Phew...Molly! How do you do it? You are really strong...

and thank goodness for that! There are a lot of things going for you, Molly:

1) based on your posts, you seem like a person with a good heart

2) you are smart and well-educated and therefore the potential to be financially successful on your own (again) is there

3) you are in good shape ( affair diet, notwithstanding!)

4) most probably very attractive

5) you are 40-you are at the prime of your life!

6) no kids-makes it a lot easier to move on.

molly, you are in a wayyyyyyyyyy better place than many here. You must have read some who have stayed in limbo for months, some years! and they are still miserable and still complaining about their decision (or non-decision).

time to make that conscious decision to let go of the source of your pain....we are pulling for you!!!!

 

Great post, Tami. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Molley as all of us (I think) who have followed this thread, we think you are dead on with what you are doing and support you 100%.

 

Now I know it is shallow, but seeing all Molley has going for her, we know she will be much better off and there is nothing but opportunities ahead for her.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Oh Molley, you are such a strong person. I am sorry that you are going through this. I have followed your story. You have showed compassion, forgiveness, kindness, tolerance...what is this idiot doing? You know, you can now be FREE from all this bull. I bet you are exhausted. I hope I am not being insensitive because obviously any seperation is a painful loss, but reading your story has only made me feel more and more frustrated with this 'boy' that you are married to. Please keep strong. You did your best, it is him that is weak. God, he can't even step up and say what he wants. Does he even KNOW what he wants? What do YOU want Molley?

[thegoodlife]

Molley we love you and we're all sending best wishes your way. *hugs*

[Molley]

Hi Everyone, thank you so much for your good wishes. I actually took a few days and went to visit a friend of mine Saturday evening, just got back a bit ago

 

When I returned from the party late Saturday afternoon, can you believe it… he was still at the house, reading a magazine by the pool. I looked at him and asked, “why are you still here?” he said, I don’t know… so I told him “how many times do I need to ask you to leave. I no longer want you here, I can’t even look at you anymore because you’re so pathetic to me. You need to be gone.” His last words to me were “fine” and he picked up all his crap that I had tossed into the garage, 15 minutes later he was gone, haven’t heard from him.

 

Since he’s left, I actually am feeling pretty good. I know that I loved him, that I tried to make this marriage work, that I forgave. And I also see now that it’s all about him, that he’s a messed up man who has no moral compass and was willing to treat his own wife like dirt, and I’m no longer going to allow him to do that. If that scank wants my leftovers, she’s welcome to him

 

I called his mom Saturday evening to let her know, because I’m sure he would not have told his parents. So I wonder how his mother’s day call went on Sunday :-) I always have loved his mom, she was extremely distressed… saying he’ll never find anyone as good as me. And yes, I do believe that’s true, especially now because the guy is broken and he needs a lot of work on himself.

 

I’m taking this week to breath and to get my head on straight and to just enjoy not having that tumor around my heart. I feel so much lighter, last night I slept a full 8 hours! And I feel like I’ve gained back control over my life and I’m not letting that alien take control over my own destiny again. I at least can move forward knowing that I really tried, I have peace knowing that. I know things will be rocky and I’ll cycle through all the emotions, but honestly since Saturday, except for a few moments of worry, I’ve been very much at peace and looking forward to my future because I know that my life will be a wonderful one. So now…. I need everyone’s positive thoughts for a fantastic job with great pay:-)

[tami-chan]

We could all learn from you Molley...it only took you, what a month? You are decisive and strong...! Keep on truckin' !!!!!

[thegoodlife]

That's really great to hear Molley. Although I am sorry to know how 18 years of marriage so quickly fell apart, I'm very happy that you are in a better place now and no longer subject to that hurt he was putting you through.

 

Keep your head held high, you have a lot of love and support here on LS as well as from family and friends in RL. Keep us posted with updates on how your life is progressing. I'm extremely proud of your strength, maturity, tact, and self respect. You're a wonderful woman. I'm rooting for you!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Wow good for you. So many can't make that tough decision. I truly hope this is the start of something good.... No make that great......