marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[taylor]

Hi Molley,

 

You did the right thing!!!

 

And you know it because you feel that sense of peace..the lifting of all that weight you've been carrying on your shoulders.

 

Focus on YOU now, Molley. It's as if you have crawled out from under a rock..out into the bright sunshine..and you have the whole world at your fingertips. A fresh start. A new beginning. You have the power now to make it your own.

 

You have taken back your self-respect and control over your own life. Don't ever relinquish that to anyone..especially someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

 

Change is hard and when the going gets tough, it's easy to question whether what you did was the right thing. Know that you did do the right thing, Molley. And you will get thru this and come out the other side a stronger, wiser person for it.

 

Be prepared for your husband to try to weedle his way back in. Remember, he is weak and broken and will be running in circles for awhile because he lacks any sense of direction in his life. Don't get caught up in his tornado. It's his problem to deal with...to fix. Not yours. You can't do a darn thing to fix him or help him.

 

I will be praying that you find a good-paying job. You are smart and you have know-how. I know you will succeed.

 

It seems like you have a good circle of friends and your BFF, of course. Perhaps some close family members as well. Lean on them now, Molley. Reach out to them and they will reach back. Siphon strength and resolve from them as well as from your inner self.

 

Please keep posting. We at LS are here for you anytime.

[Snowflower]

I'm going to go out on a limb and disagree somewhat here.

 

As someone who successfully recovered their marriage after reaching a similar point (my husband had moved out), it might not be too late for Molley and her husband.

 

We don't know that Molley's husband is now with the OW. She hasn't said anything about him doing this. Sure, the fact that he had broken NC is a serious issue but he did 'fess up to doing this it sounds like. I have read on other threads where it takes weeks for the WS to finally completely go NC. Nothing unusual here although it was disappointing.

 

A separation at this point might be a good thing...many posters here were advocating this very thing. I don't agree that a separation necessarily means the end of a marriage.

 

Now if the husband is with the OW now, then that is a different story. But, if he is just taking some time alone to think about things then this could be good. He had been trying to do this all the way along from what Molley had posted.

 

It is just conjecture here for now. We'll have to see if Molley comes back to post more.

[pkn06002]

I want to make and observation that concerns me a bit.

 

For what two weeks now there only a hand full of people posting when Molly was trying to get help to continue the marriage. Now that her situation might going the way divorce more people are posting.

 

Molly still try to keep all options open, remember no drastic decisions without careful thought and planning.

[taylor]

I want to make and observation that concerns me a bit.

 

For what two weeks now there only a hand full of people posting when Molly was trying to get help to continue the marriage. Now that her situation might going the way divorce more people are posting.

 

Molly still try to keep all options open, remember no drastic decisions without careful thought and planning.

 

It's hard to give advice on how to save a marriage. Much easier to say, "Dump it."

 

Smart post, PKN. Only Molley knows the best way for her to proceed. But slow and cautiously is always a good rule of thumb especially when emotions are running high.

 

I think most posters want Molley to know that whichever way it goes, SHE will be OK and that we are all here to support her, no matter which way it goes.

[Molley]

Thank you so much Snowflower, PKN and Taylor -

Yes, I have also noticed how things have changed on this thread... I asked my husband to leave because I could no longer take the mental anguish and the fact that he had called her again.

 

I noticed that when he left, he checked into a hotel on base for a couple of days. Not sure where he is now, probably living in a dorm... but I really do not believe he's gone to live with her. As for has he had additional contact? I do not know... and I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

 

I still love my husband. I'm not about to make any huge changes at this point, I'm way too emotional. But, I also believe that sometimes what's needed is a separation to figure things out. At this point I don't know if a divorce is what I want, it maybe the only option, but making such a huge decision right now would not be in my best interest.

 

I know that everyone is pulling for me, it's just going to take time.

[giotto]

 

I noticed that when he left, he checked into a hotel on base for a couple of days.

 

How could you possibly check that? You said he hasn't been in touch at all... I'm getting suspicious....

[Molley]

I was checking our mastercard transactions to pay the bill on line and noticed the charge for the hotel room.

 

wow... Giotto... I don't need you being suspicious... of what?

[giotto]

no, you don't need me being suspicious, really... but sometimes I feel that you've made all this up. You write very well, with hardly any misspellings and correct punctuation, which is quite rare on boards... Your posts are focused, witty and entertaining (despite the subject) and you don't really come across as the desperate woman you are trying to depict... I was thinking that maybe you are a frustrated writer who takes pleasure from trolling and taking everybody for a ride... What's the next episode? Your husband comes back asking for forgiveness... but then he gets bored and cheats on you again... you lose your (then flourishing) business and the house (and the swimming pool)...

 

but I'm sure I'm wrong and sorry if I'm offending you with my elucubrations if your story really is real...

 

but can't help it... it's just TOO perfect...

[taylor]

Giotto,

 

I think apologies are in order.

 

I think Molley is one of the most genuine, heartfelt posters on this forum.

 

Although I am on the other side of the fence, as the WS, much of what Molley has experienced over the last few weeks is exactly what my husband had to deal with in the weeks immediately following D-day.

 

No one can completely understand the emotional rollercoaster ride that an affair takes you on unless you have lived through it, and I do believe 100% that she IS living through it.

 

I would rather be taken for a ride by a troll than accuse a genuine poster in pain of being one.

 

********

 

Molley, I hope you can muster the strength to deal with the next few days. I know you love and miss your husband, but I think it is important for both of you to use this time apart to sift through the emotions..get them under control...and think about what you each really do want..not just out of your marriage, but out of life, itself.

 

Your husband has dealt you yet another huge blow by contacting the OW and I think you handled the pain that came with that the right way...by removing the source of pain for your own mental health. There is only so much a human being can handle..or should have to handle. You drew the line. Good for you.

 

This "separation" of sorts may be just what both of you need to initiate change. It's so much easier to try to maintain some kind of status quo, even if that status quo is nearly intolerable. So much harder to switch gears, change things up, think outside that box, move in an unfamiliar direction.

 

The next few weeks will be telling. I'd imagine both you and your husband will be doing alot of soul-searching. A very good spiritual friend of mine told me it's called discernment...where you search the deep recesses of your heart to discover what is truly there. Because that is where the real answers lie.

 

I hope that you can hear what is truly in your heart and I hope that your husband can, too.

 

This is a very important time for both of you. Take your time. And give him time, too.

 

Will be thinking of you.

[giotto]

Giotto,

 

I think apologies are in order.

 

I think Molley is one of the most genuine, heartfelt posters on this forum.

 

Although I am on the other side of the fence, as the WS, much of what Molley has experienced over the last few weeks is exactly what my husband had to deal with in the weeks immediately following D-day.

 

No one can completely understand the emotional rollercoaster ride that an affair takes you on unless you have lived through it, and I do believe 100% that she IS living through it.

 

I would rather be taken for a ride by a troll than accuse a genuine poster in pain of being one.

 

 

 

 

 

I've already apologised... I said "sorry if I'm offending you with my elucubrations if your story really is real..."

 

It's just my impression... but I wish Molley was a troll, 'cause the story is just too painful...

 

again, sorry if you are "real"... I'd like to delete that post, but I can't anymore...

[Molley]

Omg…. Ok I’m not a troll. Everything I’ve written is real and so very painful. I wake up each morning not feeling too bad and then I remember that everything has changed and will never be the same again. I sit around trying to make some sense of all of this, thinking there must be a reason, something to learn? Every morning I wake up remembering all of those awful things my husband has said to me and I try to counter balance his words with things that I know about myself, things my friends have said to me over these last few weeks… that I’m not that boring, stale person my husband thinks I am. I’m slowly realizing that it’s really my H who’s dull and boring not me. That he’s the one who needs to figure out how to make himself happy, I can’t do that and neither can the OW and until he does, he’s going to be one lost soul.

 

I do regularly write articles for my local paper pertaining to my industry. Writing is something I’ve always enjoyed, so maybe that’s way my posts are coming across that way? But to think that my situation is too perfect? Maybe because it’s so text book, because what I’m going through has happened to so many people, there’s really nothing different about it. That’s really what’s so pathetic about my situation… it’s a text book case and I always believed that my marriage was stronger than that, that we would never be here… love would concur all, yet my H is gone, my finances are in shambles and I now need to find a job and forget about my business.

 

Yesterday was an incredibly difficult day. Although it’s better that H is not here and I’m no longer subject to his moods, it’s hard because I keep wanting to do things, to think of the future and I can’t, not with him in it. We’ve spent so many years together, building a future together, dreaming together and now that we are so close to our first goals, he’s pissed on it all and moved on. How does one move forward and just forget those dreams that were planned together? Geez, it’s so over whelming. And again, the fact that he walked away from everything because of some scank that he hardly knew, because of an affair that will started during a business trip and totally not based in reality? And for what? Because she’s new and exciting, but for how long? Honestly… she’s older than me (H is a few years younger than me,) she’s a single mom of a 7 yr old boy… she’s a desperate single mom. So pathetic… ARGH!!! I’m now starting to feel anger again.

 

Thanks Taylor, I do hope this separation will do both of us good. For me, it’s already made me a bit stronger, I know that I’ll be a happy person without my husband, if that’s what this separation leads too. As awful as it is, people divorce every day and they get through it, they live, the love again. So, I just have to keep that bit of knowledge close to me. He’s not that only man who can make me happy… and as things are right now, he’s definitely not making me happy. And to be honest, I’m ready to be treated well by a man, it seems like a long time since my H has actually done anything to make me feel appreciated and special. So, maybe I wasn’t meeting his needs, but I’m now starting to see how he wasn’t meeting mine either. Yes, as difficult as a separation is, it’s good for me because it’s making me dig down deep and really see my H for what he is and what he has not been for a long time.

[giotto]

good, I'm glad you are not... and apologise again... sometimes I get strange gut feelings , but this time I'm happy to be wrong...

[Snowflower]

 

Thanks Taylor, I do hope this separation will do both of us good. For me, it’s already made me a bit stronger, I know that I’ll be a happy person without my husband, if that’s what this separation leads too. As awful as it is, people divorce every day and they get through it, they live, the love again. So, I just have to keep that bit of knowledge close to me. He’s not that only man who can make me happy… and as things are right now, he’s definitely not making me happy. And to be honest, I’m ready to be treated well by a man, it seems like a long time since my H has actually done anything to make me feel appreciated and special. So, maybe I wasn’t meeting his needs, but I’m now starting to see how he wasn’t meeting mine either. Yes, as difficult as a separation is, it’s good for me because it’s making me dig down deep and really see my H for what he is and what he has not been for a long time.

 

Hi Molley,

 

FWIW, when I posted my story and a request for help on another forum (not LS)--I got ridiculed by another poster. I don't normally do this but I since I had been lurking for some time before I posted...I responded with a slam against the poster who had ridiculed me. I know it wasn't right of me to do that but I was in so much pain at that time.

 

When my husband and I discussed separation, our MC said that the first 2-3 weeks are the most difficult emotionally. Then, clarity (or discernment as taylor mentions) will start to set in. Actually, I think some of this clarity is already setting in for you, Molley. You have mentioned how you realized your husband hadn't really been meeting your needs either over the last couple of years.

 

It will get easier, I promise! Please keep posting here if you feel like doing so. Even if it is just to vent!

[Molley]

Apology accepted, thank you.

[giotto]

Apology accepted, thank you.

 

thanks to you...

[pkn06002]

Molly,

Even though I am NOT for you jumping to divorce have you gotten the appointment with a lawyer yet? Do you have your questions down so you know what to ask?

[Molley]

Another good night’s sleep I actually feel pretty good this morning, planning on going outside and doing a bit of gardening before it gets too hot! Gardening is something I've always loved, however since this mess started I haven't touched a thing outside and my plants are now showing the effects of neglect… guess no matter what it is, doesn’t take much to show the signs of neglect.

 

Another good thing, got a call yesterday for a job interview this afternoon! Although it’s very low pay… hey, it may be a fun job and it’s great to get the call and I need the interview practice. So, I had to go through my suits last night to see which one still looked in style and did any of them fit! I was just amazed that in this economy I got a call so quickly.

 

I’ve been keeping myself busy with biking and hiking and sending out my resumes. Guess I actually need to clean the house within the next couple of days, my parents are coming for a short visit this weekend.

 

H made contact with me early yesterday morning, nothing major, just a quick email wondering if I was ok. I didn’t respond for several hours and when I finally did it was just a quick message saying that I was doing well… of course I’m fine, I’m moving on, I’m able to sleep and function when he’s not here to blame me and when I don’t have to see his depression. Then he called me last night. We talked a bit, told him about the job interview… He’s continuing to go to CI and is writing in his journal, which is something amazing all in itself. Kept asking me how I was doing... I kept saying I'm doing well. What else can I say?

 

So, that’s about it for now… nothing earth shattering. Taking it day by day. My friends continue to call and check in to make sure all is well. Going to a concert tomorrow night with a friend to get out and enjoy life a bit.

[taylor]

Another good night’s sleep I actually feel pretty good this morning, planning on going outside and doing a bit of gardening before it gets too hot! Gardening is something I've always loved, however since this mess started I haven't touched a thing outside and my plants are now showing the effects of neglect… guess no matter what it is, doesn’t take much to show the signs of neglect.

 

Another good thing, got a call yesterday for a job interview this afternoon! Although it’s very low pay… hey, it may be a fun job and it’s great to get the call and I need the interview practice. So, I had to go through my suits last night to see which one still looked in style and did any of them fit! I was just amazed that in this economy I got a call so quickly.

 

I’ve been keeping myself busy with biking and hiking and sending out my resumes. Guess I actually need to clean the house within the next couple of days, my parents are coming for a short visit this weekend.

 

H made contact with me early yesterday morning, nothing major, just a quick email wondering if I was ok. I didn’t respond for several hours and when I finally did it was just a quick message saying that I was doing well… of course I’m fine, I’m moving on, I’m able to sleep and function when he’s not here to blame me and when I don’t have to see his depression. Then he called me last night. We talked a bit, told him about the job interview… He’s continuing to go to CI and is writing in his journal, which is something amazing all in itself. Kept asking me how I was doing... I kept saying I'm doing well. What else can I say?

 

So, that’s about it for now… nothing earth shattering. Taking it day by day. My friends continue to call and check in to make sure all is well. Going to a concert tomorrow night with a friend to get out and enjoy life a bit.

 

You are a strong woman, Molley, and you are going to see yourself through this.

 

Keep doin' what you're doin'. It's serving you well.

 

Summer is almost upon us. Good days to come.

[Molley]

Summer is almost upon us. Good days to come.

 

Yes! and the pool is starting to warm up, maybe this weekend I'll be able to take a dip.

 

The interview went great, they would like me to come back for a 2nd one next week. I think the job would be a fun one and there's room for advancement as the company continues to grow. So, may be the pay isn't the best, but it would help me get buy until things become a bit more normal. Oh, and when I got home, I had recieved a couple messages from my old company, looks like they want a copy of my resume... there's a job that maybe coming open soon, so the HR manager wanted to make contact with the hiring manager, since he thinks I may be a good fit!

 

So, at least things on the job market have loosened up a bit, which is a wonderful thing. All I can say is THANK YOU, today has been a good day.

[kuma]

Molly,

 

I just finished reading your story. You're amazing. I wish you the best.

[Molley]

Kuma - thank you for the best wishes... I'll take all that I can get right now. What I truely find amazing is the wonderful support I've received from LS... I know I couldn't have come this far without the support. Hopefully, one day I'll be able to return the hand.

 

My H called tonight. He actually called several times today but I wasn't home (cell phone log) Again, almost didn't pick up. He asked some strange questions... "what if he wanted to come home?" "what if we just left things like they are, would I be ok with that?" and the best one "I think you should just come down here tonight." hummmm....

 

Of course, he told me that some days he wants to come home and some days he doesn't. So, ok... you're not coming home and I'm good with that... please stay away until you're ready to make a committment, don't need you here to ruin my lovely space. Told him that I'm ok with him not being here, that I'm moving along. As far going down there for a booty call... no, I don't think so. As much as I would love some sex right now... not happening. Especially since he's still not sure if he just wants a booty call or if he wants me. I'm not about to drive 45 minutes to have him feel guilty after sex with me... no thank you. Geez, honestly, I can find a man right now who would be happy to have sex with me and only think of me afterwards hummmm........ now there's a thought.

[thegoodlife]

Molley, glad to hear you're holding up well and things in the job department are looking up!

[Molley]

Thought I would provide an update since it’s been a few days since I last communicated. My H sent me an email early Friday morning asking if he could come home. I spent about half the day trying to decide if that is what I truly wanted? I finally responded back saying if he wanted to come home in order to fix our marriage, then yes, he could come home. He showed up late Friday afternoon and we spent a very nice evening together, he was engaged and seemed like my wonderful husband. Saturday morning he had his IC session and I had took off to the hair dresser. After about 2 hours of having my hair worked on, I began slipping into anxiety world. By the time I got home, I was a total mess.

 

As soon I got home, I needed to know, what about the scank? We started talking… he told me that he was also having a bit of anxiety, maybe he came home too early? Saturday afternoon, and he still hadn’t brought in any of his stuff from the car; then he told me that maybe I would change my mind and toss him out after all… guess he counselor told him that right now I could change my mind at any time, decide that I no longer did love him…. I did admit to him that Friday I just wasn’t sure if I wanted him back. That I was feeling good with not having him at home with me and I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to allow him back in again if he’s not going to take this seriously. So, what about the scank…. he had talked to her a couple times while he was away, they hadn’t slept together. Last Sunday, guess my H was telling her how upset he was about what had happened when she said something to the effect of “I think you’re still in love with your wife and you need to go home and try to work this out. “ Then she said she would step aside… yeah sure… step aside, more like she knew she had no way of making this work with him. Besides the fact, it probably wasn’t as much fun for her now, I had dumped the H, kicked him out and he was now upset that he wasn’t with me… she didn’t want a broken man, didn’t want to deal with all the crap that he now was carrying around. Ahhhh too bad. So, it’s over between them, he’s focused on making it work between us

 

Saturday afternoon my parents stopped by for the evening on their way home from vacation. My H was really apprehensive about seeing them, however I told him that the person who convinced me to give him a second chance was my mom. She’s the one who said that we once had a fantastic marriage that many wished they had, that I needed to give it another try. So, the evening turning out to be pretty okay. And then today also turned out to be pretty good. We went out for most of the afternoon but then this afternoon my H seemed a bit withdrawn. Not sure if he was a bit depressed or maybe just tired out after bike riding with me this morning, playing tennis with my dad and then walking around this afternoon in 100 degree weather. He said he was just tired and seemed to snap back into life when I talked to him. But, my anxiety is still on high and I’m feeling ultra sensitive to his moods right now.

 

So, that’s where we are for now. As he said no guarantees but he wants to give it a try and make this marriage work. We’re planning on going away for a long weekend within the next few weeks and we’ve started talking about the future. We’re trying to do some fun things, talking to each other. I’m being attentive and affectionate… I tell him that I love him, he isn’t saying anything yet. But, at least he’s engaged in being affectionate with me, at least he’s not pulling away and he’s back to sleeping in our bed and doesn’t withdraw after sex. I realize, now the hard work begins, any feedback on how you worked through it all would be greatly appreciated. Oh the wedding band… guess when he left last Saturday, he was so angry at me that he threw it into the cab of his truck and it can’t be found… so now he’s not going to be wearing it any time soon.

[Snowflower]

Hi Molley, It is very normal for the emotional rollercoaster to continue for awhile for both you and your husband. You guys are in the very beginning stages of marital recovery. It will take a lot of time, a lot of difficult, exhausting conversations and a lot of work to rebuild your relationship. Be patient and just remember that every step forward, no matter how small is a step in the right direction!

 

I'm glad to hear that you had a good weekend together though. This is a good start. If you are able to get away for a nice weekend sometime soon, that will be really good for you guys also. Maybe go visit someplace new. It is time to start building some new memories to help diminish the painful ones.

[taylor]

I think your husband is starting to see the light.

 

He needs to earn his right back into your life, Molley. Don't hand it to him on a silver platter. If it comes too easily, he will not appreciate it.

 

He needs to feel as if he won the lottery by getting to be a part of your life again.

 

Stay strong.

 

And congrats on the job prospects. Fingers crossed.