marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[65tr6]

But then I wonder, do people actually fall in LOVE within a months time? And if he does love her, then why's he with me? Why try to put our marriage together, why go through all this pain when instead he could be happily with her. .

 

Molley, I like pkn's response...having gone through this before, he can relate....

 

I can tell you what my wife said. She said she was in love with OM. I believed her. Does it mean she could just get up and leave ? She knew it was not that simple. Right now, your husband is a wreck. Needs your help. But tell him he needs to be completely open and honest with you.

 

I also agree with pkn that the affair could be going on for longer than just one month. Dont believe anything your husband says. There is always more. Reality is you wont heal if you feel he is hiding something from you. I am not saying you should ask every gory detail about the affair. He needs to share what you both think is relevant.

 

 

he doesn't know how. I can't believe I've been with this man for almost 19 years and I'm just now finding out this piece of his life. .

 

molley, you will be amazed how much you will learn about your husband as the truth starts to come out. I learnt so much about my wife, her parents after d-day. She did the same about me. It was like an emotional vomit of some kind. Hurt like hell the first few months but felt great afterwards getting it out.

 

So we talked, it was painful at times, very insightful and I feel that we are making progress. .

However painful it might get stay at it. My wife and I talked about two hours every day for about 2 months - just about the affair, relationships, betrayal. We beat it to death. Now we both are REALLY glad we did it. To me, open and honest communication about the affair and total NC are the essential steps for recovery.

[elajemi]

To stay your husband with you for ever and you to be him the one love, you should take care yourself such your body , your wears , make up, use perfume , and making coffee to him at night when sitdown together during talking what his health, jobs.

at morning prepare bath to him and making breakfast too.

Every man he love the woman who is care with him, make any thing to attractive him to you .

[Molley]

thanks guys, I really do appreciate your honest insights and knowing that you went through this and seeing that you're coming/came out of it is an inspiration to me.

 

Maybe the affair has been going on for more than a month, maybe 2? He met her while being on a 7 week TDY, military leadership school for senior enlisted. They probably started the whole relationship dance before progressing to a full blown affair. He told me that the first time they slept together was the night before he came back home. yes, we're getting into the nitty gritty of the relationship and he has told me that its really strange to be sharing the details with me. However, in the past, we've always talked through and shared everything.

 

65tr6- you're so right, it is like emotional vomit, all the things that are now coming up from both of us... how we both didn't want to rock the boat in our marriage, neither one of us wanted confrontation so we just let things progress until both of us withdrew from each other, forgot how to communicate and now we're in so deep. I'm not making excuses for his cheating... he did that an he needs to make ammends for that... but he just didn't want to deal with pain that opening up to me would cause, took the easy way out, found someone who shares his military background and supported him emotionally.

 

Anthony - even though we don't have children, we always felt we were family and we never felt devisation of not have children as many couples do. Recently we did start discussing adoption but we always came back to why? we felt our life was great together (how funny is that now) and we didn't want to change things. If we do come through this, I'm sure we'll need to explore the child issue again. I think one of the reasons he's been so ambivelent about having children is because of his abuse when growing up and he's scared it may happen with him, like father like son. In the military, I see couples having children right away, then one of them cheats... affairs in the military are so common. It's difficult to keep a marriage together when one part of the unit is always away, always has a committment to serving country first and family second. As for us, we're always lived off base and I haven't been much of a military wife, which may have helped us in the long run.

[AnthonyF]

Thanks for the honesty. I did not mean to pry about children and it was not meant as a negative..... I just have thoughts as to the dynamic and how it affects a family, especially a military family.

[Molley]

ugh... it was a difficult evening. Started out quite nice, he came home early, again... brought me some wine while I was stilll working, sat with me for a while, we started kissing, moved on to having great sex (seems like that's the only good thing we can do at this point) then we made dinner, had great converstation, ate and then he fell apart. I could see it in his posture, his face... total melt down.

He told me that he thinks about the OW every day all the time... can't get her out of his head. Then he went upstairs to curl up in a ball.

 

So okay, how much do I take, not only do I have to deal with knowing that he had an A on me, but now I sit there listening to him being totally pathetic. I get it, he's withdrawing from the OW, he's in pain... but does that mean I have to listen to him, know every detail that he's in pain and thinking about her all the time.

 

I'm now sitting in bed, writing this and journaling my feelings. And guess what, he crawled in bed with me and is now sleeping. I know part of the problem is that I'm his best friend, he even admitted that this evening. That I'm the one he talks to, I'm his F'ing best friend... that's the way it's always been. That's the way it should be, your spouse is not only your lover but the person you go to for support... so now I get to hear all the pain he's going through... yes, I realize I"m ranting... but when does it get to be my turn to say I'm in pain too? That it's not me who put us in this mess, that he chose to have this affair, he didn't have to do it... f'ing pathetic turd... I'm so ANGRY at him right now, I'm past the crying, I just want him to man up and get on with it. AND YES.... I fully know how long it's going to take, but a woman can dream can't see?

 

Just needed a space to voice my hurt and anger.

 

Please, someone tell me that it's possible to move past this stage... Am I really doing the right thing, maybe I should just toss him out and he can go back to the OW, maybe he's actually in love and I'm standing in the way? Gad... what am I saying?

[AnthonyF]

So sorry. I wish I had something to say that could help. I think you need to get to the counselor asap and tell him to get one on his own, immediately. He has no right to tell you those things while you sleep together.

 

To me it sounds very unusual. Men don't for the most part talk about this with their friends and he is putting ridiculous demands on you...... And this comes after having sex.

 

Again I hope the best.

[Molley]

Thanks Anthony, you're right. We went to our first session this morning. It wasn't as good as I had hoped i would be... not sure what I was expecting. The therapist actually told my H the he needed to make up his mind if he wanted to continue the marriage, because we couldn't move forward without his commitment. She got out of our discussion that he actually just wanted to be free. But at the same time, she did say that it seemed to her like we actually had a strong foundation for our marriage, that she couldn't believe he wanted to just end it all because things had become a bit difficult for the first time in our 18 yrs together. Ugh.... I had thought that at least she would have discussed the whole withdrawal things, to kind of help us through that, but she basically said that it may take a long time and he needed to s&*^ or get of the pot.

 

He had the rest of the day off, came home to do whatever... I had things that I needed to do away from the house, buy the time I got home he was in a great mood, we had a fun afternoon, than like a light switch , he turned off and since dinner has been in total depression, yet again.... every night its like this. I finally got my Surviving an Affair book by Dr Harley, he does talk about withdrawal in it, but not much is really said. So I guess I'm just in a holding pattern for now. It's been 8 days for him since no contact... and right now I feel like killing him, just to put him and me out of the missary... JK!.

[2sunny]

you need to be able to say no to certain things in your marriage. set a healthy boundary especially where his emotional dumping is concerned. this is too much for you to have to be burdened with from the one you love and want to respect. no spouse should have to sit with their partner - listening to him ramble on about his pain from his recent lost love... that is just unacceptable for a healthy marriage if you're trying to move forward.

 

he should be dumping all that on the counselor - or journaling about it all so he can gain clarity about his thoughts and feelings. expect him to be confused - but you don't need to listen to it all.

 

does he ever use meditation for clearing his mind of all the junk and to stay focused on positive things? also - if he writes a gratitude list every day it may show him what his priorities are. this helps a lot when a person is emotionally torn.

 

stick with your boundary - it will help keep you happy, healthy and safe.

[pkn06002]

Eight days nothing he is just starting the withdrawal.

 

But he should not be dumping it all on you either.

 

I found doing a journal to be a HUGE help.

 

Stay away from meds those are a simple answer that can cause more harm than good. Only go down that path if your doctor recommends it.

 

Your MC told your husband about the same things mine told me. You may think that this is the first time you two are having issues, I bet that is not your husbands view. Sounds like he have been holding a lot in over the years and doing the go along to get along. A sure sign of that is the OW and how he is reacting now. I understand the wanting to be free but not unhappy enough to leave, if he is stuck in that is sucks. But then again he has just started this and a lot can change in a few weeks/months.

[Molley]

well, he did say that he's been feeling this way for at least a year... the boredom of our marriage and his work. He feels everything is stuck in a rut right now. The less he payed attention to me, the more I withdrew into my new business and pretended I didn't need him. So yes, I now see that this hasn't been a good situation for a long time and he was just keeping up appearances.

 

No way would he take meds to help him through this, not a good thing in the military and I'm not even sure if his mil docs would prescribe anything. The worst thing he's every done is get drunk... so we have been indulging a bit more than usual in wine and beer... nothing too bad.

 

Last night he slept on the sofa in our entertainment room. That was kind of difficult, I think last night was the longest time that he didn't pull out of his depression.

 

I'm the one journaling, he's just not into doing anything that's going to be self improving at this point...

[pkn06002]

Have you asked him why he has stayed?

 

It will take a while for him to WANT to do anything helpful. You sound like you just want this all to go away and move forward and are upset he is not there with you. He may not be there with you for a while if ever, it will come in his time frame.

 

Like the BS has to work in their own time frame so does the WS.

[taylor]

Molley,

 

I was in your husband's shoes exactly one year ago. I had a 7-month emotional affair with a co-worker that ended abruptly.

 

The withdrawal from an affair is an emotional rollercoaster ride from hell, for both the wayward and the betrayed. There is no easy way to get through it. But if you want to save your marriage you and your husband will have to walk through the fire. There's no getting around it.

 

For MONTHS, I longed for my OM. I thought about him 23.5 hours a day. Everything triggered memories and feelings of him. Many times I deliberately played and replayed our times together...just to keep those "in love" feelings alive...to keep him close.

 

I missed him terribly to the point where I fell into an acute depression and made myself physically sick over losing him.

 

At the same time, I made a decision to recommit to my marriage and my husband and I started counseling. I had no further contact with the OM.

 

It took 6 to 8 months for the triggers and fantasies of the OM to lose their powerful hold over me. During that time I, like your husband, checked in and out of my marriage...connected and disconnected...became an active participant in the marriage and then withdrew. This would happen dozens of times throughout the day. Sometimes the withdrawal would last a few days and then bing...I'd come back to the marriage again for a few hours or a few days...and then...out again.

 

Also throughout this time, my husband and I continued to communicate...like spewing vomit as 65tr6 eluded to. We talked sometimes 3 to 5 hours a night...to the point of exhaustion. This went on for months. He demanded total honesty. I gave it to him.

 

However, the "truth" comes out in bits and pieces as the wayward spouse processes it. Realize that your husband is as confused as you are...about what he has done, about how he is feeling about the OW, about how he is feeling about you and your marriage. Discernment is a slow and painful process. It's going to take alot of time.

 

It took me 6 months before I admitted to my husband that I did indeed fall in love with the OM...that I let this man become important to me. I also told him that I had totally checked out of our marriage prior to the onset of the affair. These were not easy admissions. I even denied these truths to myself for a long time. I had to admit them to myself before I could admit them to him.

 

But I was also firm in my resolve to save my marriage DESPITE my feelings for the OM. I KNEW the affair was a symptom of long-standing marital problems. I didn't want to lose the marriage because I still saw value in it.

 

You and your husband have taken some good first steps. Marriage counseling will help both of you to process what happened and to help both of you to look deep inside your hearts to determine what it is you both really want.

 

Is your husband recommitted to your marriage? If so, why? And what steps has he taken to show that he is recommitted?

 

Does he still see value in your marriage? What does he value about it? Is it worth fighting for?

 

These are questions you and he can explore and questions he should explore in counseling.

 

It's alos good that you and your husband are communicating and being kind to each other. Focus on these two behaviors. They will serve you both well. You have both been through alot. After D-Day I described my husband and I as two people shell-shocked sitting in a pile of rubble wondering how to begin to pick up the pieces of a shattered marriage. The answer: ONE PIECE AT A TIME....TOGETHER.

 

It takes an extremely strong BS to deal with the aftermath of an affair. But if you want to save your marriage, you have to be strong and above all PATIENT. Your husband will not be able to give 100 percent of himself to you or your marriage until he gets through withdrawal. It took me A YEAR. I will be honest and tell you that I am still not 100 %, but we are still making progress with that goal in mind.

 

It's a hard road to travel...much harder that just walking away from the marriage. BUT if you and your husband still value your marriage, it's the only road.

 

Recovery is unfair to the BS. For a couple months after D-day my husband handed me kleenex to dry tears that were being shed for the OM. Who would do this? A man who was intent on saving his marriage. Was it fair? No. Was it cruel? Yes. But was it the reality of the situation? YES.

 

I truly feel for you because I know where you are...my husband was where you are a year ago. But it's been a year and I can't tell you what a difference a year makes. That's all I can say is that if you both have the faith and desire to save the marriage it is possible. There is hope.

 

A couple other comments I'd like to make:

 

No marriage recovery is possible as long as your husband continues to have ANY contact with the OW. Every time he has contact with her, it will set him back to day one and withdrawal starts all over again.

 

My husband and I had fantastic sex right after D-day for about 2 months. Why? Partly out of guilt on my part. Parly because he needed the reassurance that I still loved him. But the sex at that time was not because of desire for him. I still had a very strong sexual desire..and very strong sexual fantasies for the OM. It took a good 6 to 8 months for that desire to subside.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear. But, with that said, let me add. Physical intimacy is important right now for both of you. Take it for what it is. The desire will return little by little as your husband slowly puts the affair in his past and the OW's hold over him diminishes.

 

I suspect, like some other posters have suggested, that your marital problems have been simmering below the surface...allowed to fester.

Like you and your husband, my husband and I tiptoed through our marriage, both afraid to rock the boat...afraid to admit, let alone, confront, issues head on. After three years of deterioration, I checked out of the marriage. The affair was a wake-up call. And now we are both doing the heavy lifting to fix a marriage that was neglected far too many years.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[taylor]

The less he payed attention to me, the more I withdrew into my new business and pretended I didn't need him.[/quote/

 

This is exactly what happened between my husband and I as well. It's as if we were leading totally separate lives for three years, although we continued to live in the same house. I not only convinced myself that I didn't need him..I convinced myself that he didn't need me either. I remember all too well telling the MC several weeks after D-Day that the OM MADE ME FEEL NEEDED...we both needed to feel needed.

 

 

 

Last night he slept on the sofa in our entertainment room.

 

I think it's OK once in a while when emotions are running real high to take a "timeout" like this, but if your goal is emotional reconnection, you need to stay in the same bed...even if it's just to hear the other one breath or feel the warmth of his body.

 

I'm the one journaling, he's just not into doing anything that's going to be self improving at this point...

 

Your husband is in a grieving process right now..hence the long periods of withdrawal and depression. It will come in waves. Give him space when he retreats and take advantage of those brief moments when he's reconnecting.

 

Grieving the loss of an affair partner and attempting to reconnect emotionally with your spouse are extremely difficult to do simultaneously. It's confusing. Psychologically it makes no sense. It's like trying to make someone enjoy Disneyland the day after someone they loved died. As the grief subsides, it will get easier and easier to reconnect.

[pkn06002]

Taylor men are different than woman when it comes to this, and you cannot make blanket statements that desire will return. Because unlike you mine for my wife has not. My time from NC is around the same as yours.

 

Remember men are not as emotional as woman are and if emotions for a man get involved it becomes very difficult. Dr. Harley makes this point in His Needs/Her Needs that he has more success getting women free from the other person than he does with men.

 

So Molly has to be prepared for both scenarios.

 

I do hope Molly's path goes more your route than mine.

[Lizzie60]

I tend to agree with pkn... once the love is gone .. it's gone..

 

Molley, if I were you, I would move on.. this marriage died when he started his A... it cannot, IMO, be revived.

 

You have no kids, so it will be easier for you to move on.. and start a new life..

 

You cannot live like that.. one day, he wants to work on the marriage, next, he doesn't.. you're not a yo-yo..

 

He is still thinking about this OW.. move on..

[65tr6]

The therapist actually told my H the he needed to make up his mind if he wanted to continue the marriage, because we couldn't move forward without his commitment. She got out of our discussion that he actually just wanted to be free.

 

Molley, this is why I dont like going to some of these therapists. First of all, they need to be very experienced in dealing with infidelity. Or better, I really hope they went through something like this themselves to help others out.

 

Your therapist asking your husband the question "if he wants to continue the marriage or not" is not a good idea. What if your husband had said "no, i want out". Does that mean your marriage has been decided by one question and that too by a total stranger ? Your husband, right now, given a choice, would love to go running back to OW and leave you high and dry. He does not even "know" what he wants. He is "confused". BUT understand that he is not normal self. He has become an alien. At this point all you can ask him is to work with you on your marriage...even if he does not feel like it while maintaining total NC with OW and being honest/open with his feelings no matter how hurtful they are.

 

My wife went through the exact same thing six months ago. She said she was not ready for any relationship. Whatever f* that meant. Last night I asked her this...

 

"did you ever imagine that you could have been in the state that you in right now six months ago ?". She said "No". To me that said lot about how things CAN change. Feelings change. Especially if one spouse is fanatic about saving the marriage. I have to warn you though, it is LOT of work. There is no guarantee they will change in your case but you have 18 yrs of married life together to go by. You have lot of history.

 

You cannot expect your husband to put in 100% initially. Wont happen. You do the heavy lifting. You need to be very strong. You need to gather all the (inner) strength you need to get through the next several months. The good news is it DOES get better and better.....

 

and right now I feel like killing him, just to put him and me out of the missary... JK!.

 

My emotions too were so strong that I made statements such as "I just want to disappear", "I cant take this anymore"....

 

The biggest challenge you have in front of you is how well you can cope with those emotions. Turn them into something very constructive. Becomes a better person. It can be done. Question is, are you ready for the challenge of your lifetime ?

[Molley]

Thanks PKN and Taylor - I'm focused on the result turning out more like Taylors' instead of PKN's... of course, at this point. PKN, it's not that I just want to get this over and done with and make it all go away.... I think it's part of my nature. I fix things, fix companies that have broken down, fix processes...that's what I do (or did before I started my own bus) and I did it quickly and successfully. So, its in my nature, only I'm realizing that fixing processes is much easier than fixing a messed up marriage and it's going to take a long time. But, I'm committed to making it a great marriage again. Only thing is, I'm not sure how committed he is, that's also going to take some time on his side to decide. I'm realizing that while he's going through withdrawal, he can't really make a commitment to the marriage.

 

PKN, I do hope that one day your desire for your wife will return, maybe its not coming back because you're still resisting? I see my husband resisting and then he lets go, then resists again... all which at this point I know is very normal.

 

Taylor, thanks so much for all the insight, yes I realize that the way men and women process through this is different, however, I feel that grieving and withdrawal are basically the same for both sexes. I'll continue talking to him and support him, anything at this point to work through it. Your post really helped me to focus again and move forward.

 

And Lizzie... i don't believe that once the love is gone, it's gone... it's been proven otherwise and I've seen it in myself too. I don't believe that 18 years, mostly great years is worth tossing aside. Before I toss away my marriage, I want to make sure that I did everything possible to make it wonderful again. Once I realize that I can't do anything more, then I'll walk away, but at that point, I'll know that I couldn't do anything more for the marriage, I'll have a clear mind and I'll be able to move forward to love someone else and make a better life.

[65tr6]

So Molly has to be prepared for both scenarios.

 

pkn, agreed. That is why there are no guarantees.

 

he has more success getting women free from the other person than he does with men.

I thought it was the other way around. Women who stray are more likely to divorce.

[pkn06002]

I tend to agree with pkn... once the love is gone .. it's gone..

 

Not what I am saying.

 

But I trying to get across that recovery is different for men than woman. Woman do seem capable of reattaching much quicker and easier than men do, once a detachment has happened.

 

You rarely see posts like Taylor's from a man on this forum, I know of one. Most seem to be more along the lines of me where they limp along never really getting those "feelings" back. But that does not mean it is impossible.

 

That is why the question of why has he stayed is very important. Without kids there is something holding him there. It maybe fear of the unknown we don't know but that is something that Molly needs to find out.

[Molley]

thanks 65tr... yeah, i was caught completely of guard by the therapist...she actually works a lot with military personnel. I'm surpised that he did not jump at the chance to say, yup, I'm outta here, this is too difficult, but he didn't and he's still here today, ready for another fun filled day together. I so happy that I found this site, don't know what I would have done without all of your support and feedback. Thank you so much.

[pkn06002]

I thought it was the other way around. Women who stray are more likely to divorce.

 

From what I have read woman that are unhappy are more likely to divorce in general. But if they stray and are caught and you can get them into counseling the success rate is higher (according to Dr. Harley) then it is with men. Men will stay but never seem to really lose that desire(totally) for the OW. It is all very confusing, even Dr. Harley does not understand the difference.

 

Molly:

Resisting??? I have given up, big difference. No desire for the OW or my wife. I just go day to day.

 

Like you I fix processes and became a fanatic about trying to "fix" my marriage. My wife is not a BS like you and others that really are fanatics about saving the marriage. She is very passive and I tried to do the heavy lifting along with grieving. Like Taylor said it is very difficult for a WS to try to grieve and reconnect at the same time. I tried that and was not successful. Believe me I got very depressed reading about all of these successful people with BS's that fought for the marriage. So the reason I say don't judge your situation by those of others.

[taylor]

Taylor men are different than woman when it comes to this, and you cannot make blanket statements that desire will return. Because unlike you mine for my wife has not. My time from NC is around the same as yours.

 

Remember men are not as emotional as woman are and if emotions for a man get involved it becomes very difficult. Dr. Harley makes this point in His Needs/Her Needs that he has more success getting women free from the other person than he does with men.

 

So Molly has to be prepared for both scenarios.

 

I do hope Molly's path goes more your route than mine.

 

I understand what you are saying here, PKN. I guess I should have said, IF desire is going to return, it will return when and IF the husband can successfully put the affair behind him...and that will take time....months...if it's going to happen at all.

 

Molley, I want to give you hope that it is possible for wayward spouses to regain desire and regain motivation to save their marriage. But it takes a long time for a WS to get on the same page with the BS since they are faced with the challenge of withdrawal which hinders recovery by stifling motivation.

 

PKN, I am not so sure it's a gender thing, with all due respect to Mr. Harley who I believe also makes some blanket statements. I think it all depends on why a person checks out of his marriage.

 

I did not check out of my marriage because I lost sexual desire for my husband. I checked out because of the progressive emotional distancing and disconnection (root cause) which led to a lack of sexual desire. I found the emotional connection I longed for in my affair and that led to a sexual desire for the OM. The sexual desire was dependent on the quality and quantity of emotional connection.

 

I think both men and women can lose that emotional connection with their spouse which can drive them to seek it outside their marriage and once they "connect" with another, the sexual desire is bound to follow.

 

I think some men and women in totally sexless marriages do go outside their marriages for the sole purpose of seeking physical intimacy and don't really care about any emotional connection with that other person. I think there are waywards who enter affairs purely for sex.

 

 

 

But I think more often the wayward spouse finds some kind of emotional connection with their affair partner and that leads to sex. I don't think many men or women get into PA's with absolutely no emotional connection.

 

And I believe that if a wayward man or woman can reestablish that emotional connection with their spouse, the sexual desire has a chance of returning since it's the connection, not the sex, that drove them to stray in the first place.

 

This OP's husband seems to be going through quite an emotional withdrawal, leading me to believe it was lack of emotional connection that led him into the arms of another woman...not purely a sexual impulse he had difficulty controlling.

 

That's all I'm saying is if he can regain the emotional connection with his wife...the thing that drove him into the affair in the first place...the sex will follow.

 

Not so sure I agree with Dr. Harley about it being more difficult to free men from the OW than freeing women from the OM. My MC told me many more women return to their marriages after an affair than men do because of limited financial choices...not because it is easier to break emotional or sexual ties to the OP.

 

After seeing the number of OW pining away for years for their MM on this forum, it also makes me wonder which sex has the harder time breaking free. Where are all the OM?

[Snowflower]

Molley,

 

Wow, I can empathize with your situation in a lot of ways.

 

I think you are getting a lot of good advice/information from the posters here who have been through similar situations both as the WS and the BS. I won't add too much to what is being said here.

 

But, I do want to try to give you some hope. Five months ago I was in a situation very similar to yours-I had also been married for 18 years. (what is about the 18 year mark?!) I didn't find out until the very end that my husband had an A--but the detachment, the not knowing what he wanted, etc. sounds familiar. Only in my case I didn't understand what was going on. I had no idea about the A until about two weeks before my H confessed. I can sympathize...you are probably in the biggest battle of your life.

 

I do want to emphasize the point that men and women do process emotional attachments differently. I disagree with the assertion that once men fall out of love/check out of a marriage that it is hard to "bring them back." I think the opposite is true and I am not speaking from just my own situation.

 

I think most men tend to get involved in A's for emotional attachment-but it is more of a transitory thing. They are missing something from their marriages, from their lives, etc. The OW and the A seems to provide that for them. When it becomes clear to the WH that the OW doesn't have "all the answers" so to speak, then confusion sets in for the WH.

 

OTOH, when women get emotionally involved with the OP that is much harder to break, as taylor has very accurately described in her post.

 

Of course there are exceptions to this-there is always is. But how many times do you see a WH have an affair, throw away his marriage, say he wants a divorce etc, etc only to try to come back to his M and to his W a little later saying, "I made a mistake, please forgive me."

 

Once women decide to end their marriages, they usually don't change their minds. It is then up to the BH to try to reconnect with their wives. It's one of the reasons why I think a marriage ends in divorce much more frequently when the wife cheats as opposed to the husband.

 

Molley, I'm trying to give you a little hope here...from one who has been there with her own WH.

 

Good luck!

[Molley]

yes, i agree it was more of an emotional connection between my H and the OW. He even said so, it wasn't so much the sex. It was the conversation, the way she made him feel special, the way she complimented him. He told me this... also he said they slept together only a couple of times, which could me 2 or 100... I also know that he had difficulty keeping it erect during the times they were together, not the case with the two of us now.

 

I think that's why we're now having great sex, its called hysterical bonding. A way to connect back together again. At this point its difficult to keep a conversation going with him since he's never really been much of a talker.

[taylor]

From what I have read woman that are unhappy are more likely to divorce in general. But if they stray and are caught and you can get them into counseling the success rate is higher (according to Dr. Harley) then it is with men. Men will stay but never seem to really lose that desire(totally) for the OW. It is all very confusing, even Dr. Harley does not understand the difference.

 

Why is the success rate higher? If you ask my MC, it's because of a woman's limited financial resources/options as well as a maternal desire to NOT dramatically affect her or her children's "lifestyle".

 

I have a girlfriend in this situation right now. She wants to divorce her husband but is choosing to stay in the marriage until her daughter enters college. She said,, "I told my daughter I was going to divorce her father. She asked me if we were going to be poor then...if she was going to have to quit cheerleading...if she was going to have to get a job instead of going to college. When I saw her fear, I didn't have the heart to go thru with the divorce. I will wait."

 

It's naive to believe all women who have had affairs return to their marriages because the desire returns. I will venture to say that as many women return to marriages as men do ..with no sexual desire. Both men and women return for other reasons besides love and desire. And I believe there are just as many women as men who return to their marriages AND CONTINUE to think of their affair partners, but keep those thoughts buried deep in the dark recesses of their hearts.

 

 

 

Molly:

Resisting??? I have given up, big difference. No desire for the OW or my wife. I just go day to day.

 

It takes two..you know that, pkn. IF you and your wife succeeded at re-establishing an emotional connection, don't you think the sexual desire would follow suit? It all comes down to that emotional connection, but it takes two.

 

 

Like you I fix processes and became a fanatic about trying to "fix" my marriage. My wife is not a BS like you and others that really are fanatics about saving the marriage. She is very passive and I tried to do the heavy lifting along with grieving. Like Taylor said it is very difficult for a WS to try to grieve and reconnect at the same time. I tried that and was not successful. Believe me I got very depressed reading about all of these successful people with BS's that fought for the marriage. So the reason I say don't judge your situation by those of others.

 

PKN, what do you believe is the main reason for the failure? Is it your inability to break free from the OW? Is it you and your wife's inability to reconnect? Is it your wife's lack of motivation? Is it a loss of faith and hope?

 

When my husand and I were in the Retrouvaille program, we learned that there are a number of BARRIERS to success in marital recovery. TRUST was number one. But lack of faith and hope was another...kind of like the self-fufilling prophecy. Lack of commitment to working on the marriage was another. Which is it for you?

 

Of course the OP shouldn't JUDGE her personal situation based on other couples' situations. However, I would hope that she would not give up HOPE or FAITH this early in the game that her marriage CAN BE recovered. It's easy to do at this point, so soon after D-day when the task before her seems so unsurmountable.