marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[Snowflower]

I definitely agree that there are not that many places that couples can turn once they are faced with the trauma of infidelity. I too, am glad I found this forum. The posters here have been very helpful and it does make me feel like I am not so alone after this major event. I certainly know that it is very difficult to reach out to my friends and family when I am feeling down or have a question.

 

And yes, my husband and I are doing very well. Everyday I think we heal a little bit more--even though some days are very difficult: emotions are high or a tough conversation must be had. But, my husband and I are and always have been a good counter-balance for each other. Both of us have strengths that help the other one. It's just too bad that was one of things forgotten when things got tough between us.

 

I do think you help a lot of people taylor, with your well-written and insightful posts. Perhaps it helps everyone--it helps you by writing out what you feel/felt and experienced and it helps an interested reader gain some type of insight if they were in a similar situation. I think your posts contain valuable insights to experiences and emotions that EVERYONE who has been hurt by an affair, BS or WS can relate to--despite the fact that no two situations are the same.

 

I also hope you and your husband are doing well and that you have a nice weekend!

[Molley]

Monday morning... H just left for work, I could tell he was once again totally depressed, got out of bed, hardly kissed me, mumbled something and then he was gone. I do realize now that he's cycling through his feelings and that first thing in the morning and at night, is the most difficult for him to work out his withdrawal. However, he is working it through.

 

This weekend was both the worst and best. Friday he finished reading Surviving an Affair and totally disconnected from me. I had found some links on my laptop that he was looking at, links that discussed the possibility of a future with the OW, how to get a divorce... those sorts of links. I asked him what he was doing, then told him that I wasn't the one keeping him confined to this marriage, that he was free to walk out, leave. If he wanted to go back to the OW and marry her because they're "soul mates" then go for it.... just get the hell out of my life and let me move on, cause I can't deal with it any longer. Then I allowed him to read through our thread on LoveShack, to get a perspective of what others were saying, dealing with. That seemed to help him see that he's not alone.

 

During dinner, he wanted to sit down in front of the TV to eat dinner so that we wouldn't have to talk.... weirdest thing happened, no sooner did we do that, the lights go out (on a perfectly beautiful, warm spring day, the electricity goes out) and stay off for the next couple of ours. Of course, we hardly talk, finish eating and then I retreat to another room. At that point, I was so upset and emtionally drained.... I really didn't care if the marriage was over, I just wanted the pain to be gone, I wanted to move on and have a happy life.

 

Saturday morning, it's like my husband has resurfaced. He got the hot tub ready, went out and picked up breakfast, we played tennis, had great sex, did errands around town, I cooked dinner, while he chatted with me, we had a great talk during dinner, we had a fun time... We finally decided to go for it and make it work. He asked me to be understanding about his withdrawal, saying that sometimes it will still be overwhelming for him (yes, totally understand that.) But, he said he's not leaving. The book for him was very difficult to read, but he realizes now what happened.

 

Sunday was a bit more difficult, after having such a great Sat, I think we were both a bit let down that it wasn't all the same. But, still we went out had brunch then drove around for a bit.

 

So now... we do have a MC session Mon afternoon to help us move forward. But, I wonder what did you guys do... and how. How do you bring back the love, where you aren't scared to say "I love you" in the morning and evening or any other time. Does it just happen over time? it just comes back if we treat each other with kindness and we meet each others emotional needs? I guess I just miss my husband. He was never very demonstrative, but at least I was able to reach out to him and then he did [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]reciprocate [/FONT][/sIZE], now I feel like I can't reach out to him, that I need to give him space. Can't just hold his hand, can't cuddle in bed... it's like we're back to the begining stages of dating where you really don't know what you could and couldn't do, with the sex tossed in for good measure.

[pkn06002]

Your weekend sounded like mine.

 

Only thing I can stay is give it time and see what happens.

 

You are seeing at this point both possibilities and outcomes. I looked at the same types of sites your husband is. So know that thought is in his mind but he is still there so that says he has not really made up his mind.

 

Keep in mind you just started this, no quick easy answers.

[Molley]

I looked at the same types of sites your husband is. So know that thought is in his mind but he is still there so that says he has not really made up his mind.

 

Keep in mind you just started this, no quick easy answers.

 

We talked about those sites... he actually told me that he believes leaving a marriage that has always been good (up until a point) for the OW really never ends well, that the romance, excitment and newness wears off quickly. We've both seen it with friends and people we know...

 

Yes, no quick easy answers, just need to work through this day by day and believe we will once again be a whole, in love couple. We had it once, I fully believe it will be there again.

[AnthonyF]

Monday morning... H just left for work, I could tell he was once again totally depressed, got out of bed, hardly kissed me, mumbled something and then he was gone. I do realize now that he's cycling through his feelings and that first thing in the morning and at night, is the most difficult for him to work out his withdrawal. However, he is working it through.

 

This weekend was both the worst and best. Friday he finished reading Surviving an Affair and totally disconnected from me. I had found some links on my laptop that he was looking at, links that discussed the possibility of a future with the OW, how to get a divorce... those sorts of links. I asked him what he was doing, then told him that I wasn't the one keeping him confined to this marriage, that he was free to walk out, leave. If he wanted to go back to the OW and marry her because they're "soul mates" then go for it.... just get the hell out of my life and let me move on, cause I can't deal with it any longer. Then I allowed him to read through our thread on LoveShack, to get a perspective of what others were saying, dealing with. That seemed to help him see that he's not alone.

 

During dinner, he wanted to sit down in front of the TV to eat dinner so that we wouldn't have to talk.... weirdest thing happened, no sooner did we do that, the lights go out (on a perfectly beautiful, warm spring day, the electricity goes out) and stay off for the next couple of ours. Of course, we hardly talk, finish eating and then I retreat to another room. At that point, I was so upset and emtionally drained.... I really didn't care if the marriage was over, I just wanted the pain to be gone, I wanted to move on and have a happy life.

 

Saturday morning, it's like my husband has resurfaced. He got the hot tub ready, went out and picked up breakfast, we played tennis, had great sex, did errands around town, I cooked dinner, while he chatted with me, we had a great talk during dinner, we had a fun time... We finally decided to go for it and make it work. He asked me to be understanding about his withdrawal, saying that sometimes it will still be overwhelming for him (yes, totally understand that.) But, he said he's not leaving. The book for him was very difficult to read, but he realizes now what happened.

 

Sunday was a bit more difficult, after having such a great Sat, I think we were both a bit let down that it wasn't all the same. But, still we went out had brunch then drove around for a bit.

 

So now... we do have a MC session Mon afternoon to help us move forward. But, I wonder what did you guys do... and how. How do you bring back the love, where you aren't scared to say "I love you" in the morning and evening or any other time. Does it just happen over time? it just comes back if we treat each other with kindness and we meet each others emotional needs? I guess I just miss my husband. He was never very demonstrative, but at least I was able to reach out to him and then he did [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]reciprocate [/FONT][/sIZE], now I feel like I can't reach out to him, that I need to give him space. Can't just hold his hand, can't cuddle in bed... it's like we're back to the begining stages of dating where you really don't know what you could and couldn't do, with the sex tossed in for good measure.

 

I am so sorry Molley. However I am still bothered by the pain he is inflicting. Everything he has at home, what seems like an relaxed life, idealic (sp?) weekends spent together and he still acts like a puppy dog with these feelings and this stupid notion of a soul mate.

 

Good that he has seen this site and read at least one book.

 

Tell him to see an IC (3 days a week minimum) and figure out what he wants. I don't have a personal experience to share, but to me he is terribly childish.

[delajoonal]

i don't know why i have missed your posts/thread this past week?

 

but i am glad i found IT now..

 

i read every post and response you wrote, because your Original thread posted really caught my eye...amazing how much our H's are so much alike AND the situations...

 

my dh said the whole song and dance too, "not in love with you anymore",

he met someone onine had EA, NEVER PA, they never met in person.

 

3 weeks of this, and he wanted to end a 14 year marriage!

 

then i texted her, said please leave my H alone, take care of YOUR own marriage and 2 children...my H told me to much about her..LOL

 

i told hiim break it off..dh did, we had amazing sex, spent time together, but i felt that something was missing?

 

he looked lost, like a forlorn love sick teeanger...he even actually said to me...get this..

" haven't you ever been in love with someone you can't be with?"

OMG, like knife in my heart:lmao:

 

found out she started emailing dh again...

they both ended the emails with LOVE D* and LOVE N*...oh, another knife in my gut...

 

he called her, and it all started again...he said he misses her, the way SHE/OW makes him feel, she understands HIS needs and how he feels, etc...OMG puke!

 

so i texted her and said one more time, this is the last time i am going to warn you, stay away from my DH, or i will call YOUR H..LOL

 

well, long story short, SHE/OW did break it off with my dh.

said she was afraid of losing her kids, house and business and she did not want her H too find out...etc..

 

i called her H anyway,...so now OW wants nothing to do wth my dh and

his "crazy wife" (ME)..LOL

also, her H already knew too...

 

my dh still left ( kicked him out actually)...he says he has no feelings for OW, but i know i my gut and heart he is lying...i also found movie ticket stubs in his computer room...he says it was a co -worker, that took me 50 minutes to get that out of him..he just kept denying EVER even going out that day...i had to say that a friend of ours saw him..LOL

anyway...he seems to have turned into a really really good liar these days:sick:

 

anyway...he just keeps lying now, about everything.

i NEVER had one jealous thought about my dh EVER..

so this is just over the top for me, i am in such a crazy fog, i can't see straight..i never felt this jealous emotion with my dh...it is awful now.

 

please tell me...how are YOU doing now?

what happened?

did you kick your dh out?

did he get back with the OW?

 

i know this is all so personal, BUT, any info, or opinions, advice would help me, because YOUR dh sounds exactly like mine..like the light porn stuff...the OW understanding him better than we do, wives, etc.

 

i am in IC, he chose some support groups, which he said he does not like, and i feel like he will prolly meet someone else in those places too..LOL

i finally kicked him, for the 3rd, time...he has been gone 6 days now..

 

today seems easier then the day before...but at night i lay in bed and cry and long for my dh to be next to me:(

to tell me he loves me...how does that just stop?

 

how does he say i love you, sweetie, your my angel and then the next day, nothing, he says," oh, we can be friends, right?" WHAAAAA?

 

NO...what a weirdo..how do you go from a 14 year marriage and being a wife to now today, let's just be friends?

 

he says he knows what he wants, BUT, never has said it,, what HE wants?..

he just doesn't talk..

 

ok...so i have rambled on far too long...i am sorry..

but i really appreciate any advice Molly? or what has worked for you?

or how things are now?

sincerely...take care:)

[Molley]

please tell me...how are YOU doing now?

what happened?

did you kick your dh out?

did he get back with the OW?

 

 

Delajoonal, oh my gosh... I am so, so sorry to hear that this has happened to you...

It’s so incredibility painful to go through and I have to admit that on Friday (a few days ago) I got to the final point where it was so bad that I decided to just end it. I felt for my own sanity I needed to let him go. So, I did. I told him that I wasn’t the one keeping him here he was free to leave, free to go see the OW, free to marry her. He could go do whatever he wanted, I just didn’t want to be in this pain, I had finally reached my max. If he was willing to work on our marriage, I would go through the pain, however, if he was just going to keep sticking the knife into my heart, I had decided no more, not happening any longer.

 

So, what happened? Well, he decided to stay. He read through Dr Hadley’s book and realized what had been going on, he finally saw that he was going through withdrawal and that he needed more time to pass through this phase. He has also changed in that he no longer is telling me about Her. In fact we haven’t brought up the OW’s name in a couple days.

 

I found about the affair a little over 3 weeks ago, he stopped seeing her a little less than 3 weeks ago (but continued with email contact,) and NC happened 2 weeks ago. We’ve got our 2nd counseling session this evening. It’s still very difficult, I see him cycling through withdrawal… and it’s hard to watch. However, I’m back to being committed to him and this marriage, I want our life to be wonderful and passionate again.

 

please tell me...how are YOU doing now? I am doing much better. I used to cry all the time. I tried to work during the 1st several weeks. But, I would visit a client, then as soon as I walked out the door, I would be sobbing… it was awful, I couldn’t focus on anything. I’ve now reached a place where I know I can’t think of the OW or I will go back down that dreaded rat hole, so I’ve started focusing on myself. I’ve actually started looking for a new job in Corporate America… my business is not generating any money and I need to make sure that I’m able to care for myself. I’m exercising, I’ve lost all this weight while in this awful state and now I’m looking pretty darn HOT and I don’t want to lose that. My H actually commented that he likes how other men are now looking at me when we’re out and about J Hey - at this point, I'll take any compliment.

 

Something happened to me on Friday, as soon as I just stopped fighting it, a peace came over me and I realized that no matter how much thrashing around I do, God/The Universe will take care of this for me in the best way. Now, since he’s agreed to work things out, I can concentrate on how to make things great between us again, but I’m not going to do it at my own expense, he also has to pull his weight and I believe he realizes that fully. I’m not saying that I don’t go through bits of depression, I do… but I’m now able to work my way out of it because in the end, life will be great for me again… with him or without him. I want it to be with him, but I also know that life has a way of working out for the best, always.

 

I wish you much happiness and luck... I'm here for you.

 

This support group is wonderful, they have helped me so much. If you haven' done so yet, go to Marriage Builders, get the books... or just read all the info. Also go out to SurvivingInfidelity.com, read through the Q&A and articles... they're great.

[Molley]

Hey Anthony - thanks for your comments, at least they make me feel better :-) and on this forum, it's all about me. And you're right... soul mates, give me a break... we can all be each others soul mate.

 

Had a pretty bad day today, went to see the MC, , she basically told me that I just need to let go and forget about my husband, move on, because he's an emotional retard (she put it more kindly) and he wouldn't be able to keep me happy because he can't keep himself happy. In fact she did say, that if he leaves me, he'll just end up being unhappy either by himself or unhappy with the OW. He needs to fix himself. So actually, she really was on point. Only, I didn't like her telling me to let go and move on, that's my decision to make on my own time.

 

Today was difficult for him, he actually saw the OW at the gas station on base as he drove by. So, we're back to step one basically, actually, i think we're done.... or at least that's how I' feeling tonight. The session was upsetting, but I could have delt with it, except that he totally backed out of everything we had talked about and the commitment we made this weekend. He acknowledged that he was very affectionate with the OW, that they held hands, kissed, hugged.... BLAAAAAA!!!!! He did all the things with her that he should be doing with me, only he hasn't been. It was so hard to listen to, I felt like I was going to lose my lunch right there. Although, it wasn't unexpected, I think we all know that's one of the reasons he found this affair so wonderful. So, I am slowly going crazy... wanting him to leave, get out of my life, yet at the same time I want him to stay because I feel that once he walks out the door, it's over... will I want him back? I'll just want to find a nice fling to get me through the difficult time... and yes, the more I think about finding another man, one that will make me happy, one that I can laugh with, one that appreciates me, is affectionate with me, the more I want to move on. Actually, why am I trying to fix this? Right now I feel like I've stepped out of my body and my emotions, I have nothing left to give.

 

I'm going to start looking for career positions outside of my state, moving has always done me good.

[AnthonyF]

I wish all the best for you and reading the posts I am upset and feeling for you. Paraphrasing the MC, she may be right. I hate to say but it may be time to show him the door and tell him to get his act together. To be treated like this is unfair to you. He chose to have this affair and has expected you to understand and listen to him explain his feelings for her.

 

I know he has not been mean, abusive, degrading or nasty. However he expects you to understand and stay by him as he works through his emotions. You continue as a couple and you have many very good days and periods together, and sex and then he retreats. Just unfair...

 

May be he snaps out of it, which is what I hope for if that is what you want.

 

Have you done things with friends since this happened? How is he in these situations? Also does he go out or have friends he talks to?

 

At home though he has you to fall back on and can go on as if nothing has happened when the mood moves him, I have to wonder if you are currently the "consolation" prize.

 

Please note when I write it is only my opinion, I am no expert, no scholar nor have I immersed myself in books on the subject. My thoughts come from my heart and what I think is right.

 

Don't be rash, but I have to say this is not fair at all.....

[taylor]

Had a pretty bad day today, went to see the MC, , she basically told me that I just need to let go and forget about my husband, move on, because he's an emotional retard (she put it more kindly) and he wouldn't be able to keep me happy because he can't keep himself happy. In fact she did say, that if he leaves me, he'll just end up being unhappy either by himself or unhappy with the OW. He needs to fix himself. So actually, she really was on point. Only, I didn't like her telling me to let go and move on, that's my decision to make on my own time.

 

Your MC is right. Your husband is an emotional retard right now. He truly isn't himself. At the moment his emotions are all over the place and they are in conflict. These ever-changing emotions have control over him. ANd they, in turn, are affecting you.

 

Your husband will not be able to think clearly and rationally until he can get these emotions under control.

 

The last thing either one of you should do is make any life-altering decisions until you can both think without emotions getting in the way.

 

I don't think your MC was right telling you to let go and move on. It's way too soon to feel confident that you would be making the right choice with a clear head. It's been what...two weeks since D-day?

 

Your husband does need to fix himself. He is a weak, broken person right now. He is confused. He doesn't know how to feel good about himself or how to find happiness in his life. He made a wrong turn, looking for these answers in an affair.

 

I like to describe the aftermath of my affair like the aftermath of an atomic bomb explosion. The shock, the confusion, the pain. You search thru the rubble without direction and surrounded by a thick cloud of ash making it difficult to see what's in front of you.

 

Once the ash starts to clear, the picture will become clearer for both you and your husband. As you both search your hearts you will find the answers.

 

It's normal to go back and forth..stay or go...commit or divorce...kick him out or beg him to stay...care or don't care...give him a second chance or find someone new..worth it or not worth it.

 

This is called processing and you are both doing it right now. Like I said, you will find your answers as a result, but it will take some time.

 

He actually saw the OW at the gas station on base as he drove by. So, we're back to step one basically,

 

Yes, he is back to step one. He needs to go NC 100 percent if he wants to break the emotional hold this woman has over him. Your marriage in no way can recover unless he is willing to do this.

 

he totally backed out of everything we had talked about and the commitment we made this weekend.

 

This is the emotional rollercoaster as he vascillates between the fantasy of the affair and the reality of the marriage.

 

I feel that once he walks out the door, it's over... will I want him back? I'll just want to find a nice fling to get me through the difficult time... and yes, the more I think about finding another man, one that will make me happy, one that I can laugh with, one that appreciates me, is affectionate with me, the more I want to move on. Actually, why am I trying to fix this? Right now I feel like I've stepped out of my body and my emotions, I have nothing left to give.

 

It's easy to feel your pain and frustration reading this paragraph, Molley.

 

Many posters would agree that once a wayward spouse decides to leave and heads out the door, that door shuts and locks permanently.

 

Others believe time away...a separation...can give both partners needed space to clear their heads, and that once that happens, it becomes clearer as to whether they truly want to recommit or want to move on. IMO, once a spouse moves out, the chances of recommitment diminish, and the chances of moving on become more evident. But there are exceptions..spouses who took their partners for granted..spouses who realize the grass isn't greener..spouses who wake up and realize what they truly lost. But I think in most cases, especially if there is emotional disconnection, a separation does not help the marriage...just makes it easier to keep on walking away.

 

Honestly, if my husband had an affair and chose to leave, there would be no turning back. His decision to turn his back, walk out the door and let it close behind him would speak volumes to me. I would never be able to shake the feeling that given the choice, he chose the OW..bottom line..and I was second best. But that's just me and how I think. If, on the other hand, my husband chose to stay and work on our marriage despite his feelings for the OW, that, too, would speak volumes. I would feel like he chose "us" over the OW..bottom line.

 

It's all a very personal decision.

 

Would you change your mind if you kicked him out? Would you want him back? Sure, you might, BUT only if he could meet your needs..provide you with the love, appreciation and affection you deserve. It would take alot of work on his part to convince you that he had it in him to do that. If, down the road, it became increasingly clear to you and to him that he couldn't meet your needs, then why would you want him back? He will have lost ALL value to you, as well the marriage.

 

Hope you are having a better day today.

[65tr6]

IMO, once a spouse moves out, the chances of recommitment diminish, and the chances of moving on become more evident.

 

I agree with this totally. Molley, your MC is an idiot (I am not allow to judge here ???). It is YOUR decision whether you want to stay married or not. Not hers. And given the state of your husband (a total emotional wreck) and he being the one who committed adultery, you are the SANE person to make that decision.

 

I understand you are looking for help because it is so devastating. You are looking for answers yourself. It takes plenty of time. That is why I dont trust MCs in these situations unless they are very experienced in dealing with infidelity.

 

If you want to fight for your marriage, like i said before, you do this alone in the beginning. You will not get any support from your husband. Did you say the OW was married, has a bf, parents ? What can you do to make her life a living hell if she continues to contact your husband ? Can you take a full page ad in the newspaper exposing the affair ? Can you get any help from your near and dear ?

[pkn06002]

Wait you all are acting like the OW searched him out, a gas station is a public place. Her husband has to want the NC and it is possible to do if he truly wants to walk away.

 

Molly here is something I will suggest and is one of the reasons I did not walk out the door. Talk to a lawyer and start doing research on if divorce is really what you want. It is an easy thought to think but once you get into the details it becomes a harder idea.

 

Once you know what divorce will entail present that information to your husband (if he is still in a funk). I did that too my wife and the impact it would've had on our family (child mostly) keep things together. If anything you will know what is in store if you go that route.

 

Molly also just work on yourself let your husband fend for himself. Why to I say that? Because I was an emotional wreak until I got so discussed by myself that I forced myself to move past the OW. Yes it took months but my wife would never of been able to "help" me through it. The withdrawals etc... were are something every WS has to work through on their own.

[Snowflower]

 

Had a pretty bad day today, went to see the MC, , she basically told me that I just need to let go and forget about my husband, move on, because he's an emotional retard (she put it more kindly) and he wouldn't be able to keep me happy because he can't keep himself happy. In fact she did say, that if he leaves me, he'll just end up being unhappy either by himself or unhappy with the OW. He needs to fix himself. So actually, she really was on point. Only, I didn't like her telling me to let go and move on, that's my decision to make on my own time.

 

 

 

Hi Molley, Again, I'm sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. My heart truly goes out to you--I remember feeling a lot of what you are feeling.

 

My counselor told me something very similar to what you posted above. I had a very similar reaction to you and that I felt it was my decision to make as to whether to move on or not.

 

I agree with what other posters have said here and based on my experience last year that your MC might be rushing things by telling you to go ahead and move on at this point. Whether you decide to continue to work on the marriage or separate is a huge decision-if you're like me I knew it was one of the biggest decisions I would ever make. I chose to wait it out and in my case-my husband came around and my marriage was saved and I think made stronger. Either way though, waiting at least a little while for YOUR SAKE might not be such a bad idea.

 

I feel strongly that too many well meaning people whether it is friends, family, counselors, or posters on this forum tell the BS to get a divorce way too quickly. This is a huge decision and your emotions are in upheaval right now. Divorce seems to be such a knee-jerk reaction when infidelity occurs--which I think in many cases isn't always the best option. I'm not advocating necessarily staying in your marriage indefinitely-it's just that sometimes it is good to wait and see how you feel after you have gotten used to the feelings caused by this major event.

 

Of course, your C might just be telling YOU that YOU need to figure out how to move forward-whether you end up separated/divorced or not.

 

Take care of yourself, Molley. I like your idea of researching jobs out of your state. Some people might call it running away but it will likely do one of two things-wake up your H that you might truly be moving on and/or he will give up the effort but you will find a new, exciting future.

[Molley]

Thanks everyone. The OW was not seeking my huband out, he just happened to be driving by the gas station on base and saw her and he told me. He did say that he's been trying to do everything possible to not run into her on the base, but that can be difficult.

 

I spent most of the night in the guest room and didn't come to bed until early this morning, I just had to be alone for a bit. Right now I'm back to feeling sadness and depressed. Oh joy!

 

We communicated a couple of times via email this morning, I told him that I'm going out of town for a few days to take a little vacation, I just need to get away from all the emotions, to think and just be, maybe I'll even get some sleep. He said he understood and that was the last time I heard from him. I"m planning on being gone by the time he comes home from work. If he really wants to move past the OW, then the next few days should do him some good, without me being here, maybe he'll have time to reflect a bit more. I also think that he's looking into finding an IC, which would be great for him and we also discussed finding a new MC for us, since neither one of us really like this one.... so we'll see, I just can't seem to get that feeling out of my gut that its over, but I'm listening to you guys and I'm putting myself in a holding pattern for a bit more.

 

OH... the OW is single, has a kid and that's it. Her husband cheated on her a few years back with her best friend... and she's an upstanding christian (that's what my H said about her) how laughable and hypocritical is that? I need to move past thinking about her, or it will kill me, so right now I'm not planning on doing anything else to out her. The Military is rampant with people screwing around on each other... so very sad.

 

I also agree that if one of us moves out, the marriage is basically over, it would be too difficult/almost impossible to repair it at that point. Although, I have known people who have gotten back together again after one spouse has moved out... so I guess there's really nothing set in stone.

 

Anyway, I'm off, really don't want to go... my best friend has taken over my life at this point. She said she knows what's best for me and I'm not fighting her :-) That's what best friends are for. I just called my H to let him know that I"ll be leaving for a few days before he gets back home and where... I asked him if he was planning on continuing NC with the OW. He said he was planning on not seeing her.

[Molley]

Well, made it this evening to the "Lake" it's so beautiful here, we got here just as the sun was setting and the lake was taking on a sureal color of blue and pink... and the hills around were still full of snow. It's cold, but beautiful and quiet and the house is right on the water. Tomorrow, I'm hoping to just relax, read and do a bit of journaling and hopefully take a step toward healing.

 

Not expecting much during the time away, I just hope that it will help both me and my H to heal a bit and maybe put us back on the correct path to R... it was difficult to not call him this evening to say I had made it, to tell him how beautiful it was and it was also hard to not think about him being here with me to enjoy the beauty of the Lake and surrounding mountains. Oh well... maybe one day and I'll be able to share all the beauty with someone special.

[AnthonyF]

Glad to hear you made it. Keep us updated. Relax, unwind and try to think happy thoughts.... Hope all works out the way you want it.

[giotto]

I don't want to hurt anybody with my comment - but I am an old cynic nevertheless, and a man - but the first thought to cross my mind was "ah, she is away... I bet he is shagging her (the OW) senseless now". I do apologize, but I couldn't help think that. Maybe I'm sick, I don't know... I read the whole thread, and I find the husband's behavior appalling. He should have the guts to go and stop torturing the poor Molley...

 

again, apologies if my comment was crude...

[CajunPassion]

Hi Molly.. been reading your thread and am intrigued as D-Day for me was back in June. I suppose I just wanted to encourage you to keep holding on until your partner figures stuff out. And as a WP, it has take me until March of this year (9 months!) to get over the withdrawals over NC with the OM. I still regress at times, but with (a lot of) time the emotions of it all just tends to dissipate, and I can focus more on myself. Quite selfish of course, however essential when you're trying to figure out how you want to live the rest of your life.

 

I've only started to think more clearly now that the OM just isnt around anymore. H and I have been to MC, both together and individually, and I knew that I wasnt ready to make any further rash decisions about leaving or continuing with the OM. I sort of relate this whole experience for me on the same kind of terms as a mid-life crisis (at 28!). I knew I was lost, bored, and wasn't quite sure where I was going.

 

My MC told me the exact same thing... s**t or get off the pot. And at the time, I really didnt know what I wanted. However, with IC, she is helping me re-discover myself and my values - to help me make myself happier first. In addition, trying to determine what is it exactly about the marriage Im not happy about, and how I can contribute to make this the relationship I want. MC also asked - what makes you think you can't fulfill yourself in your current relationship?

 

Part of me also believes that this is just a "stage" our relationship is going through also. Read...http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=153. Better yet.. get your partner to read that. It may offer some insight/encouragement on how to grow within your current relationship. ...or at least get the old ticker to start thinking a bit more clearly.

 

I hope your time away does you both well. And I hope he can continue the NC with the OW. That is 100% essential for him to start thinking clearly. I would highly suggest he continue doing the IC, hopefully he is able to find himself again (among other things!)

[Molley]

Thanks Cajun and Anthony, the time up here has been wonderful. Giotto... you're right, my H could be with the OW, he could be shagging none stop with her. But, he could also be doing the same thing while I'm back home. So, I choose to believe he's not, I choose to trust him a bit at this point and in the long run, what good will it serve if I'm thinking about what he's doing while I'm away? Not going there, serves no purpose for me... if that's what he want to do, I just can't stop him.

 

I had a great conversation with my BFF this afternoon over lunch. She told me that she would support whatever decision I made but why would I want a husband back who after 18 years of a great relationship couldn't come to me first when things started going bad and instead went and had an affair. He basically pissed in our pool and now is treating me like crap, has relegated me to 2nd status. He wasn't man enough to at least end the marriage before having the affair and maybe that's a character flaw of his, something he won't be able to change. Why do I continue to try to make this work after how he has disrespected me, hurt me and humiliated me? Why, when I'm a beautiful, talented, intelligent woman who could easily find a wonderful man who would appreciate me and treat me with the respect I deserve...

 

So... I'm thinking she's making sense and it stuck with me. I need to work through all of this while I'm up here. Do I try to make it work with someone who has given up or do I just put it behind me and make a better life for myself? I really don't know the answer to that. However, I do now realize that it's my H who's got to do more, he's got to prove it to me that he wants this marriage to work... of course, this is after he gets through the fog of withdrawal and he actually wants to put effort into making it work.

[taylor]

You have a smart BFF. And I can tell this trip is doing you good. You are going to return home stronger and wiser. Keep posting...but not too much..enjoy your time away as much as you can.

[Molley]

Ah, Friday morning. I woke up to see fat flakes of snow falling, so much for the beautiful spring days we were having at the lake. Everything is white now. Guess I need to decide, do I go home today or wait it out another few days?

 

I haven't heard from my H once since I've been here and although I do miss him, there are times that I just totally forget about the pain he's caused. And then, when I'm not mindful, the waves of pain just engulf me, but I am getting better at controlling the pain, making it go away. Last night I couldn't sleep because I was obsessing about having to go home and getting back into the unhappiness :-(

 

I remember clearly, because it hasn't been long ago, how when he was gone, or when I was away, coming back together was always so great. I just couldn't wait to see him. Being away was always great, but coming back home was better. Now it's just so painful. Especially since I don't know what I'll find when I get there.

[2sunny]

if you learn how to be happy on your own - you will understand that you will be happy to go home after any vacation... whether he's there or not.

 

this is because if you are happy on your own - it doesn't matter who is or isn't with you to enjoy your company. you're still with your happy self the whole time.

 

if a man (or friend) is around, that is a bonus. you are still happy either way. this is a win - win situation.

 

are you in so cali? i am familiar with that area - if you are referring to "the Lake" area in the SB mountains then i would suspect that you are enjoying a change of scenery and weather for a few days. it's beautiful there right now. take time to enjoy the beauty of TODAY... without the worry of what needs to happen tomorrow.

[taylor]

What your husband is choosing to do with his time while you are away will be very telling to you when you get back.

[Molley]

I used to always be that happy person on my own... need to get that person back.

 

Yes, Taylor you are so right... it will be very telling, what he's done while I'm away. I know that he finally did reach out Tuesday night and called a couple close male friends. One of them went through an affair years ago, got divorced and then 2 years later they remarried. My H told me that he was going to speak with him, but I didn't realize that he also reached out to another buddy, which is also good. Other than that, don't know what he's been doing, but we'll talk about it all once I'm back home.

[Molley]

well, alrighty then.... got back last night from my little trip to Tahoe. It was beautiful, sunny spring weather until Friday, when it started snowing and snowing and snowing :-) big fat flakes. It was so beautiful, refreshing. So, I decided it was time to come home, I was ready, I had decided to just surrender my ideas of keeping the marriage alive, if he didn't want it, I was good with that. Why keep fighting? Honestly, was it really worth it? I could find another man, someone wonderful, who would really love me, an adult who could have a converstation with me, someone who wouldn't screw around on me when things got tough and then decide that he just wanted out. Someone happy, interesting and fun to be around. Don't we all want that?

 

So, got back last night, the evening turned out to be uneventful. This morning we woke up, went and played tennis, did errands together. We talked a bit about what I had done while away, what he had done. I found out that he really enjoyed being alone without me. Still we had a petty good day. And yes, had great sex... becaus as you ALL know... THAT's NOT the freaking issue between us. We have great sex (actually, it's better than date sex,) just everything else is going to sh@#T.

 

So... we had dinner and starting discussing our issue. He's still in NC with the OW. But, he told me he's still thinking of her all the time, its' now been 17 days. While I was gone he didn't see or talk with her (sorry to burt your bubble Giotto... and yes, I do believe him.) Besides he said tonight, she's no longer the issue and it wouldn't be right. It's just that he no longer feels that "spark" with me. yet when we were playing tennis, he had a hard on the whole time.. UGH! (I know... I'm sure that TMI.)

 

So, I told him that my old boss is thinking about hiring me for a new management position when it comes available, only problem is, it's about 2K miles from where we currently live. My H actually thinks it's a good idea if I move that far way. Says that it may just be what we need, a separation. Then in the next breath he says.. and maybe he can get transeferred to the base there. THis is becoming like a total Day time soap...

 

During dinner he starts bringing up seperation and says that the only reason he hasn't moved out is because of the money issues... we couldn't afford it right now because my new business isn't bringing in anything. I told him that if he really wants to move out, than we can always figure out the money situation. He then tells me that if he moves out, he'll only pay for the house and that's it.... ok, whatever... I tell him, I'll put in for support with a legal seperation. He then tells me he's not sure if a divorce is what he wants... bla, bla, bla.. but he would help me move to the other state and get me set up. And we would stay friends (with benefits) I told him that I already have enough male friends and not looking for more... honestly, what the hell? I don't want him as a friend when I'm trying to retore my life and date.

 

By then we're in the spa... we don't talk much after that, finally he gets out and goes into the guest room for the night. When I check in with him, he says that things were getting ugly and he just didn't want to participate any longer, thought it would be best if he just slept in the guest room and read one of the 1000 books I've purchased over this last month. Honestly, I didn't think we were getting ugly, it was just a difficult converstation. I then told him, if he really wants a divorce, I'm not going to stop it, he can have it, I'm done... time to move on (and yes, I fully know it's only been slightly over a month since he told me he wasn't happy and only 1 month since I figured out he had an affair.) Mind you, during dinner I told him that I'm still committed to working through this, because I know that in the long run we can be happy and we can find our love again. But, he just doens't seem to want to do that. Although, he's committed to going to IC and MC again.

 

So... guys/gals...what's going on? I feel like I'm getting shoveled crap from both sides. Is this normal, did you go through this same stuff? I'm not really sure how to proceed. As I had mentioned, I've come to terms with the possiblity of a divorce and moving on, and I'm good with that, however, I would prefer to work things out with my H... or at least I would like to try to work things out. But, not sure how to proceed at this point.

 

Oh and Taylor to answer your question, what did my husband do while I was away for 4 days? Honestly, not much of anything, besides finally call a couple close buddies to get some support and feedback and he did start checking into other counselors for IC.

 

I'm hoping Sunday is better than today.