marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[Molley]

I could contact her via facebook, tell her to not contact him, as per the agreement. But, I wonder if that would make matters worse. I could also tell her that if she continues contact or tells him about my message, I'll out her to her superiors at work and friends on face book. That would really be revengeful.... would make me feel good in the short term.

 

I did sent her a message via face book at the beginning of all of this (you don't have to be a friend to just send a message) telling her that we had decided to work things out to please leave us alone and respect what we are doing for our marriage. She of course told my H about the letter. At the same time my H told her that he couldn't see her and they just ended up emailing each other... I saw the email, they weren't all that interesting. But then a week later he did call her and tell her that he couldn't contact her, see her or email her any longer that we were working things out.

 

so, it took her 16 days before making contact with him.

[pkn06002]

I know some are going to disagree with me, but the whole don't contact him cannot come from you. It will only stick if it comes from him.

 

Have you had a real discussion with him about this? Because if he really wants to try because at the minimum he needs to do NC to give a really honest try.

 

Maybe this is the deal breaker for you. Because he can no longer have it both ways.

 

This is what I mean by you need to let it be known what you expect and want. Because the message you have been giving of "lets try" followed by "if you want her leave" let him straddle the fence.

 

Let me make this offer, have him create and account and have him PM me. I can talk to him WS to WS. But I will not tell you what is discussed, but I will give an honest attempt to get him off the fence.

[Snowflower]

 

Let me make this offer, have him create and account and have him PM me. I can talk to him WS to WS. But I will not tell you what is discussed, but I will give an honest attempt to get him off the fence.

 

This is sure nice of you, pkn.

 

I wish I had been around here when I was going through something similar with my H when he was on the fence six months ago! I might have taken you up on this offer if you had made it then.

[taylor]

If your husband did indeed call the OW and tell her NO MORE CONTACT and that he was working on his marriage, then the OW is pretty bold to turn right around and contact him with an e-mail like she did.

 

Are you SURE he actuall called her and had this conversation with her?

 

It will do no good to call her yourself and tell her to stay away from your husband. If she is as bold as she sounds, she may just be amused by your request.

 

However, I will say I am not sure what would happen if her superiors were made aware of the affair between her and your husband. Not sure how that would affect her job..or your husband's. Perhaps someone in the military can shed some light on that.

 

If your marriage is going to even turn in the direction of recovery, NC with the OW is imperative. Recovery can't start without it. But the thing is, it's YOUR HUSBAND that has to WANT it and DO it. He has to be COMMITTED to it. He has to understand the importance of it..the purpose of it. He has to want it as much as you do.

 

Sure, you can call the OW and threaten her. But in the long run, it will mean nothing unless your husband wants nothing to do with her. It would be far more meaningful if HE was the one to make it very clear to the OW that he wants nothing to do with her. Apparently, he has not made this clear enough to her.

[pkn06002]

This is sure nice of you, pkn.

 

I wish I had been around here when I was going through something similar with my H when he was on the fence six months ago! I might have taken you up on this offer if you had made it then.

 

Only problem is I was not in a state to attempt to help anyone 6 months ago.

 

I am not better than Molly's husband, I am just further along the trip. I am not having the success that Taylor is having. We are all different but like they say "those that cannot do teach". If I can help her husband get to a better place than I am all for helping.

[Molley]

I know some are going to disagree with me, but the whole don't contact him cannot come from you. It will only stick if it comes from him.

 

Have you had a real discussion with him about this? Because if he really wants to try because at the minimum he needs to do NC to give a really honest try.

 

Let me make this offer, have him create and account and have him PM me. I can talk to him WS to WS. But I will not tell you what is discussed, but I will give an honest attempt to get him off the fence.

 

I did try to have a real discussion with him about this last night, but he got so defensive after I said he needed to have real NC. He believes that a message from her hasn't broken the NC. I'll bring it up to him again when I feel we're on better footing again.

 

Thank you so much for the offer. I will ask him if he would want to talk,and I understand that you would not break confidence regarding what he discussed with you.

[65tr6]

telling her that we had decided to work things out to please leave us alone and respect what we are doing for our marriage. She of course told my H about the letter.

 

Molly, I told you this before....But here it is again. This is your marriage and you want to stop the f* charade. I would publicily expose the OW. Either by mass email or just showing up at her work place. I cannot believe she is still in touch with your husband EVEN after she knows you know everything. Does not matter even if she did not search him out. What kind of sick person is she ?

 

I totally disagree with pkn on how/where the NC has to come from. Like I said your husband will ready to elope with the OW if he could do it today. He is too weak to even think about NC. That is where you step in. YOU do everything to make sure there is no contact. Read this again...You bring the affair out in the public. Expose it. So it dies.

 

He is in a FOG. He cannot see or think like he used to. You need to bring him down to earth. You do this because you want to give your marriage a shot (otherwise you would have thrown him out of the house a long time ago).

 

You need to take one step at a time. You marriage in not even in recovery mode yet. Recovery can only start after NC and withdrawl begins. NC is the first step. You need the decency from your husband that he maintains total NC with OW while you both sort things out. Dont you deserve that for being his wife for 18 years ? Where is your self-respect ?

[Snowflower]

"those that cannot do teach".

 

 

LOL, as a former teacher I always found this saying a bit insulting, (just kidding) but yes, I get what you are saying!

 

I was hoping to hear that you were having more success in rebuilding your marriage.

[Molley]

If your husband did indeed call the OW and tell her NO MORE CONTACT and that he was working on his marriage, then the OW is pretty bold to turn right around and contact him with an e-mail like she did.

 

Are you SURE he actuall called her and had this conversation with her?

 

.

 

Yes, he called her the next morning after our talk. She was out of state at the time and I did see the cell phone call that was made. He called me right after and told me what had transpired. He told he that we were working things out, that they had to end it and couldn't continue with seeing, calling or emailing each other. At that point it really was just emailing, because he had already told her they wouldn't be seeing each other or calling each other. So yes, it is bold of her to send a message to him. I guess I figured she would just leave him alone, but how dumb was I?

 

I realize that my sending her a message won't do anything. And, unless I want my H to get into trouble, I really can't say anything to her bosses.

 

I think at this point he needs to get his butt into IC to get this resolved. No matter how much I want him to do NC, he won't send the message until he's got some things figured out, which I hope will happen in IC. I just can't believe that we're back to this part of the issue. That's why he called her in the first place and established NC, because of the flipping emails going back and forth. Grrrr.....

[Snowflower]

 

You need to take one step at a time. You marriage in not even in recovery mode yet. Recovery can only start after NC and withdrawl begins. NC is the first step. You need the decency from your husband that he maintains total NC with OW while you both sort things out. Dont you deserve that for being his wife for 18 years ? Where is your self-respect ?

 

I agree with this 65 about NC being absolutely necessary as a first step, but no one can make a WS go NC if they don't want to. All the "outing" of the WS won't initiate NC unfortunately.

 

The only one who can initiate NC is the WS themselves. Otherwise, they will just continue to lie and delude everyone, the OP, the BS, even themselves.

[65tr6]

The only one who can initiate NC is the WS themselves. Otherwise, they will just continue to lie and delude everyone, the OP, the BS, even themselves.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy. Betrayed spouses have very little tools to help them out in these devastating situations. The one powerful tool they can use is EXPOSURE. Stop the lies. Sorry OP but I would not trust your husband to maintain NC. You need Plan B. Step it up just a bit.

[pkn06002]

 

I totally disagree with pkn on how/where the NC has to come from. Like I said your husband will ready to elope with the OW if he could do it today. He is too weak to even think about NC. That is where you step in. YOU do everything to make sure there is no contact. Read this again...You bring the affair out in the public. Expose it. So it dies.

 

He is in a FOG. He cannot see or think like he used to. You need to bring him down to earth. You do this because you want to give your marriage a shot (otherwise you would have thrown him out of the house a long time ago).

 

 

I just said I don't understand the whole notion of the NC letter coming from the BS. Why because the WS if they really want to contact will, so it is an empty jester to the BS if the BS is the one that forces the letter.

 

But we do agree that NC has to be established. I am giving you the point of view from a WS. NC only works if the WS wants it to, the BS cannot force/enforce every method of communication.

 

With the military involved the "normal" methods of exposure can cause unique problems.

[65tr6]

With the military involved the "normal" methods of exposure can cause unique problems.

 

Unfortunately those are the consequences one has to deal with.

[pkn06002]

unlike a normal job you cannot just quit

 

unlike a normal job you do not destroy a career because of an affair.

 

So with the military involved the "normal" answer of

 

"Unfortunately those are the consequences one has to deal with."

 

does not always apply.

[Molley]

I would really have to be at the end of my rope to expose the OW and my WH within the military. They're both senior master sergeants, top 3% of the enlisted AF.... most don't get to this status. I really don't care much about destroying her career (or at least denting it) it took her 23 years to get to this point. I think she’s a totally worthless human… so I’ve got no problem doing whatever with her. However, I do care about what I do with my WH’s career. We both worked hard to get him where he is today, lots of sacrifice on both our parts, he achieved this rank at 17 years and I’d like to see him make chief (if that’s what he wants.) Besides, even if we don’t make it, I get half of his retirement and it’s much better at a chiefs salary that at a lower ranking salary if I exposed him. Sometimes nothing happens, other times, the military does make an example of the top guys, they shouldn’t be doing this.

 

So, although I understand the importance of outing them... not quiet sure how to do that within the military. Also, she's single. The only thing I could do is send messages to all of her friends on face book.

 

So, for now, I’m sitting on this one. If I took action now, I have a feeling it would really not be a good thing for me.

 

PKN – I spoke with my WH about your offer, but he just kind of laughed it off. He said that right now the only person he really wants to speak with is his IC, which he still doesn’t have an appt. So thank you, I truly do appreciate your offer… maybe somewhere down the road he’ll contact you. I did mention that it might be a good idea for him to join a help site such as this one…

 

Told me that today he’s in a good mood, although he didn’t want to really speak with me. I feel like daily we are regressing into a dark hole. Didn’t mention the letter I sent today and he said that he didn’t have contact with OW today, again said that the email was nothing, didn’t mean a thing to him. He just doesn’t seem to understand how much it upset me, although I did tell him my feelings… he didn’t respond, of course not, just listened. Said that he’s not in contact with her and not planning to be… although he did say something weird… that he’s not planning on contacting her today, tomorrow, the next day or next week… but further on, he just doesn’t know. He said he just needs to speak to someone now, he can’t function and he can’t say much more right now until he gets into see the IC. Again, he repeated that he just doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how he feels. He feels he can’t move out but then also isn’t sure that moving out is the right thing… all the same old stuff.

 

As for me, took a bath, had a glass of wine, I’m journaling and watching Reaper… good for a laugh. Not much more that I can do at this point. I hope I’ll be able to sleep tonight. The last few nights I’ve been sleeping, maybe 3 hours a night.

[tami-chan]

Hi Molly! gosh..it is so painful following your story, and I am just "reading' it. I cannot imagine how you do it, living it!

 

If you want to make life uncomfortable for your H at work and you do not want to save you marriage, by all means go to his command. His command will probably tell him "fix it and we don't want to hear from your wife again"( they hate calls from spouses like this!) or "fix it or be moved to a less impt. job"(apparently military personnel who have an unhappy home life is a threat to our national security!) or "do you have proof?"- adultery is a UCMJ violaton and he can go to jail for it( difficult to prove though, I heard).

 

I commend your husband for gong for IC. My husband ( an officer in the miltary) does not trust counselors nor the military-he thinks that what he says in counseling might be used against him ( even though there is such thing as confidentiality).

 

How worried is your husband about money? Is he worried that even if you divorce, at his retirement you might be entitled to half of his retirement? Seems rather petty.

 

Anyhow, reading your posts made me think that your H has already checked out of the marriage. His frequent non-engagement of you, seems to show that nothing about your marriage or indirectly, you, matters as much as what he is feeling right now-the sadness ( of having to give up the OW), the guilt( of hurting you), the depression ( for his inability to make a firm decision), etc.---so perhaps, it is time to let him go. I know you do not want to make it easy for him, by not "throwing him out". I understand that. You would rather that he makes that decision.

 

But why? why give him so much power over you? If he stays in the marriage it should only because you allowed him to stay( out of the sheer goodness of your heart:p). If he leaves, he leaves because you threw him out:mad:!

 

At any rate, I hope you will find the resolution you seek. Keep strong.

[taylor]

You know, Molley, it's tough when posters like you come on a forum like this with a gut-wrenching situation...especially one that many of us can relate to in one way or another. We truly do feel for you. We all want to reach out and help. We all want to ease the pain you are enduring.

 

You will find many posters wanting you and your husband to make big decisions...take sweeping actions..that will make huge changes in your lives. That's because we all want to remove you from the pain as fast as possible..and what better way than with big, fast-acting changes like "kick him out," "move away," "divorce," "expose to the world."

 

But the thing is when you suffer a blow like you just did and when your husband is drowning in a state of confusion like he is right now, making any big decisions or taking any drastic action can be a move in the wrong direction.

 

Sometimes the best thing to do is to sit back and reflect. It's not dramatic. It's not a grand gesture. But it is highly effective. And it requires alot of patience.

 

In the early months, right after D-day, both my husband and I were in so much pain that's all we wanted to do was DO SOMETHING to make the pain go away. What we realized was the best thing we could do was DO nothing. We both needed time to THINK, not DO.

 

I completely understand your husband's need to speak to an IC. He sounds desperate to do so. WHY hasn't he made the appt.?

 

Clearly, he can't and won't and doesn't want to make any decisions until he can talk things out in counseling. He knows he's confused. He knows he isn't thinking straight. He doesn't trust himself or his own ability to put things in perspective, make decisions, etc. He doesn't trust his feelings, either. They don't make sense to him. He wants to sort things thru with the help of a counselor. It all makes sense to me. But, again, why hasn't he made that appt.?

 

IC is his first step.

 

If your husband wants to stay in the marriage he will begin to take the early, necessary steps that lead to marriage recovery..the first and foremost one which will be NC with the OW. Surely, the counselor knows how critical this step is and can advise him to do so if the goal is disconnection from the OW and marriage recovery.

 

If your husband does not want to stay in the marriage, steps will look altogether different.

 

At this point, your husband does not know what direction he wants to go in, so he is making no moves, except those he needs to to keep some peace around the house.

 

IC will get him off the fence. But it won't happen overnight.

 

If YOUR goal is marital recovery, your only choice is to wait and see what he decides to do. You told him you want to save the marriage..work on it...but only if he wants the same. You have put the ball in his court. He is standing there with the ball, not knowing what to do with it.

 

Again, why hasn't he made that IC appt.?

 

One of my friends had a son in a bad motorcycle accident. He was in a coma. His parents were desperate to know if he would recover and if he did, how much brain damage he would have. They wanted the doctors to DO something. It drove them crazy when that's all the doctors would say is, "I'm sorry. We can't tell you anything. It's way to soon. We have to wait and see. You need to be patient."

 

In some ways your husband and your marriage is in this same state. Your marriage has been dealt a terrible blow..and your husband, in some ways, is in a "coma" of sorts.

 

It sucks to have to sit and wait, but sometimes that's what it takes.

[Molley]

Hi Tami, thanks for your advise. At this point I think I'm waiting to see what happens with the next few sessions of IC for him and me. It's so extremely difficult to have him in the house with me when he's not responsive, I almost can't take it. And I know that if things don't improve I will have to be the one to kick him out because he'll never do it. The guy can't make a decision to save his life... I sometimes wonder how he ever got enought balls to actually start an affair.

 

A good friend called me last night, she had found out about the affair. My H had talked to her husband for advise. She had gone through something very similar and was saying that I needed to kick him out. That until he realizes what it's like to be on his own, that it's still the same... things didn't get better, he'll never be able to appreciate what he had. They actually got divorced and then remarried a couple years later after her H went through a ton of counseling

 

This morning I'm cycling through the whole anger stage again... What I hate is that when he leaves for work in the morning, 5AM... he turns off the alarm and then I can hear the garage door opening... so I"m awake too. The fact that he's now sleeping downstairs and doesn't even say goodbye is so sad. Last night, he went to bed and didn't even bother saying goodnight to me. I had to go do it. He's such an ass right now, thinking only about himself.... and yes... totally know all the reasons.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your H doens't trust the couselors, unless he's a threat to himself, you or the kids... the whole process is confidential. At this point, I don't think my H cares, he just knows that he needs to go see someone and get all that crap out of him.

 

You are right, he has checked out, I want to see if he can check back in. To me, he can always move out, but I'm not so sure I'll want him moving back in. I think that's one of the things keeping him here, he understands my feelings that if he moves out, that's basically it. I don't want to keep playing this game after he moves out, I want to then move on with my life, forget about him and concentrate on my new life without him in it at all.

 

He had this idea that if he moves out, we can continue as friends, that we'll be friends, have dinners together, bring our significant others together for dinners. When I said no, I have enough male friends in my life, I don't need another one, especially an X complicating my future. We don't have kids, so there's nothing that will keep us together and I just don't want to see him, have contact with him... I don't want to know him once we're over. I don't want to be reminded how he gave up, how he distroyed everything, how much he hurt me. Anyway, he didn't like the fact that I wanted nothing to do with him if we were no longer together.

 

Sorry, buddy... I want to be your wife not some friend.

[Molley]

Thanks Taylor.... you're right, some times not making a move is the right thing. Thank you for pointing that out because I really was starting to believe that I needed to make a decision NOW. I'm getting it from my mom... kick him out, my good friends... they all don't want to see what's happening and feel that would be the best thing right now. But, everyone is different, every situation is different and until I feel it in my gut that it's time, then it's not time.

 

But, I guess it is ok to do nothing at this point, it's only been a month... why do a need to make a dramatic change in my life when I've only had a month to digest all of this information, when I'm not thinking clearly (as many of my post probably prove.)

 

Actually, what happened with the IC... because he's military we both get 12 sessions each of IC and 12 sessions of MC. We have go through a resource called military one source, they set him up with an IC, he called her, she called back the next day saying that she only works part time and her schedule doesn't fit in around his, so he had to call back and request someone else... so he's got another call in right now. It's not that he hasn't wanted to go, just has to get an appt. Hopefully before the end of the week, he'll go in for his appt.

 

Yes, the ball is in his court, I need to find the strength to wait it out for a bit longer. Do nothing... that's wonderful advise :-) at this point. Honestly, it is.

[taylor]

A good friend called me last night, she had found out about the affair. My H had talked to her husband for advise. She had gone through something very similar and was saying that I needed to kick him out. That until he realizes what it's like to be on his own, that it's still the same... things didn't get better, he'll never be able to appreciate what he had. They actually got divorced and then remarried a couple years later after her H went through a ton of counseling

 

Your friends' relationship is not your relationship. What "worked" for them may not work for you. What were the issues in their marriage...sounds like he just took her for granted. In your case, you and your husband were separated for long periods of time and then focused on careers. Is this what happened to your friends' relationship as well? Was there's a slow disconnection, too? Again, what works for one couple may not work for you.

 

he just knows that he needs to go see someone and get all that crap out of him.

 

Yeah, he needs a pooper scooper.

 

 

 

You are right, he has checked out, I want to see if he can check back in. To me, he can always move out, but I'm not so sure I'll want him moving back in. I think that's one of the things keeping him here, he understands my feelings that if he moves out, that's basically it. I don't want to keep playing this game after he moves out, I want to then move on with my life, forget about him and concentrate on my new life without him in it at all.

 

Well, if this is your goal and this is how you feel, kicking him out would definitely be a contradictory move. If my husband cheated on me and was happy to walk out the door rather than stay and work on the marriage, there would be no turning back. The door would be locked and the key thrown away as soon as he left the driveway. And, like you, I would move on with my life without him in it. Have you told your husband that this is how you feel?

 

He had this idea that if he moves out, we can continue as friends

 

This is his delusional state talking. He really is in a FOG. Earlier you said he considered "friends with benefits." Again, delusional. He wants the best of both worlds...sex with you anytime he wants it...maybe a little comfort...AND his FREEDOM. Sorry, reality doesn't work that way.

 

I don't want to know him once we're over.

 

No one would blame you for that. Most couples who "break up" want NOTHING to do with the other. Hard to move on with an ex hanging around.

 

he didn't like the fact that I wanted nothing to do with him if we were no longer together.

 

Of course he didn't. Surely, there are things about your relationship he values and doesn't want to lose. But he also seems to value his freedom. He can't have both. Doesn't work that way. He knows it. It's one of the reasons why he is so conflicted. Right now, he wants both. He had a taste of that while in the affair...ability to enjoy the comforts of home and freedom to roam and play. But he knows he can't have both. In the end, he will have to make a choice.

 

I want to be your wife not some friend.

 

And you Molley can't be friends with someone you still love. If there's going to be a break, it will have to be a clean break for your own emotional health.

 

What makes it hard on many couples who divorce is they have to continue to see each other because of children they have together. Makes it hard especially on the partner who didn't want the divorce..hard to move on sometimes..hard to heal.

 

If your marriage does end in divorce, you will have an opportunity to make the break clean...to move on without ever having to see him again.

[65tr6]

Sometimes the best thing to do is to sit back and reflect.

taylor, i know what you are saying but when her husband is continuing to maintain contact then it is very difficult to sit back and reflect. I like Tami's advice. Talking to his boss might help, if OP is too afraid to shake the big tree.

 

I asked my wife to quit contacting the very next day and she did. If she had not done it, I would have probably kicked her out. And subsequently told her parents and my parents about it. But that was not the case. They still dont know about it.

 

The point is, the affair has to end first. Without ending it, you are fooling yourself. You are just waiting, hoping, praying for things to fall in place. IC, MC is totally useless if the affair is still on.

 

Sitting back, reflecting and attending IC while the affair is still on ? I dont think so.

[pkn06002]

Here is the tough part about the suggestion of "kick him out". If he has done (as I suspected) research on divorce he will not leave. He will know that if he leaves that could be considered abandonment.

 

Molly's husband is thinking clearly, just not about his marriage. He is thinking very tactically about how to handle is marriage and future. He does not know which way he will resolve that issue, but he is thinking clearly about the issues around it.

 

Does sound like he has checked out and is just trying to figure out how to fully end it. I never made it to the point of sleeping in another room, if I had that would be a clear sign I wanted to just end it.

 

Molly,

Have you done any actions to protect yourself if the worst happens? Not saying it will but it might be something you would want to look into. Because if your husband is taking NO ACTIONS to try and "fix" things. Even though I am not as successful as Taylor (and others) I did become a fanatic about trying to "fix" things after I told my wife.

[Molley]

The point is, the affair has to end first. Without ending it, you are fooling yourself. You are just waiting, hoping, praying for things to fall in place. IC, MC is totally useless if the affair is still on.

 

65TR - the affair is over. I know you keep saying it is not. However, since NC began he's kept his word, the only thing was that one small email from her. I know you're going to say I'm diluting myself into believing its over. However... when I talk to him, he has told me the email meant nothing, didn't add any feelings, nothing. Still, yes I'm upset about it... I don't like how he's minimizing the fact that she broke off the agreement and contacted him. But, at this point, there's not much more that I can do, he needs to make the effort and get himself out of the fog. I can't keep dwelling and obsessing on if he's had contact with her or if she's sent him another message. I just can't do it, it's making me crazy. Like Taylor said, maybe now is the time to just sit back and do nothing. If I keep pushing him, he withdarawls further, the last thing I want is for him to see me as some pathetic, sad person that he can't stand being around. That most definetly will making him run toward the other woman more so than a stupid little email message.

 

Also don't agree that by sleeping in another room it means that its over. As mentioned many times, everyone is different, every relationship is different. Many couples split move out, sleep in different rooms and come back together and many don't.

 

He said that if I wanted him back in the bed he would come back. I told him to stay where he his, but now I'm startng to think it maybe a good thing to get him back in the bed. His reasoning for moving was because neither one of us is sleeping right now and when one finally gets to sleep, we end up getting woken up by the other. Plus, he says that by sleeping with me, he then wants to have sex and then he always feels guilty because he feels he's leading me on.

 

I know there's a lot of work both parties need to do in order to save the marriage. I'm prepared to do the work, only right now, I don't think there's anything to do. Also, a part of me feels that no matter what I do, what hoops I jump through, life has a way of working itself out correctly. Do I really want to kill myself in order to keep this guy, manipulate him to stay in the marriage? How happy will we be in the long run. I've got a lot of crap to figure out myself.

 

I have started looking at divorce info myself an I'm trying to find a job for income, but not much success there. To be honest I'm in such a fog myself that it's difficult to even get out of bed in the mornings. The last think I want is a new job right now when I can't even concentrate on the business I own.

[taylor]

taylor, i know what you are saying but when her husband is continuing to maintain contact then it is very difficult to sit back and reflect. I like Tami's advice. Talking to his boss might help, if OP is too afraid to shake the big tree.

 

Very true, 65. Hard to sit back if the affair is continuing. But, according to Molley, her husband did call and request NC with the OW and it is the OW who "broke the rule." So far, hubby is following the rule.

 

But it does appear he is leaving his options open by not making a bold gesture, ie., an NC letter to the OW.

 

It appears to me he is leaving ALL of his options open and not committing to any of them. He truly is in limbo. And, perhaps I am putting too much faith in IC, but I believe IC and time will help him get off the fence.

 

Molley can't push him off the fence. Which side is the right side? She can force him to jump off it but how will she ever know if he jumped off on the right side?

 

He has to figure this out before he does any jumping off the fence. Right now he doesn't know which way he wants to jump.

 

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I will respectfully disagree with the idea of involving the husband's military superiors in this personal matter.

 

I am not sure how the military operates in such matters but it may be far different than if the husband worked at McDonald's and someone told the boss he was having an affair with a cashier.

 

The main reason I would not suggest involving the military is the fact that Molley is already so stressed out about their finances. The possibility of him losing his job would just add more stress to her life. And even if she did out him to his superiors, there is still no guarantee that that would end the affair anyways. He could lose the job and still want the OW.

 

I also don't see what telling her friends on Facebook would do either. They may even know she had an affair with a MM and they may not be bothered by it one bit. They too may find it amusing, depending on their maturity level.

 

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I asked my wife to quit contacting the very next day and she did. If she had not done it, I would have probably kicked her out. And subsequently told her parents and my parents about it. But that was not the case. They still dont know about it.

 

My husband also told me to end the relationship within 24 hours and I agreed to. But it actually took about a month before all contact ended. It's a long story why...mainly due to poor communication and mixed messages.

 

We started MC and IC two weeks after D-day, while text messages to end the affair were still going on.

 

I didn't recommit to my marriage until my husband and I attended a marital recovery program about 2 months after D-day.

 

Things don't happen easily or quickly. They take time and thought.

 

 

 

The point is, the affair has to end first. Without ending it, you are fooling yourself. You are just waiting, hoping, praying for things to fall in place. IC, MC is totally useless if the affair is still on.

 

True, marital recovery will not start until NC is in place. And if the goal of MC is marital recovery, then MC is useless until NC is in place. In fact, our MC told us it would be a waste of her time and ours if the affair was still on.

 

But, I do not believe IC would be totally useless. Molley's husband needs IC to help him sort thru a mass of confusion before he can make any decisions.

 

Your wife and I were able to come to the decision to end our affairs for the sake of our marriages because we knew we didn't want to lose our marriages. Molley's husband isn't sure what he wants or doesn't want. IC is a good step to figure this out.

 

Sitting back, reflecting and attending IC while the affair is still on ? I dont think so.

 

Not sure the affair truly is "ON" in this case. One e-mail from the OW hardly means the affair is still "ON." Now, if he starts shooting her e-mails and hiding this from Molley, then, yes, the affair is still "ON." And she shouldn't sit back and do nothing if that becomes the case. That would be him telling Molley he has made a choice to continue the affair. That would be him jumping off the fence on the side of the OW. That would be him handing her the ball back and telling her he's done with the marriage.

 

But from what she has written, he hasn't done this yet. He's still standing there holding the ball. Time is ticking.

[Snowflower]

Hi Molley, I'm sorry to hear about the rough time you are still having.

 

Don't push your H to move out yet if you don't feel it is the right thing to do just now...no matter what your friends tell you. You know your situation best. Trust me, I know that sitting around waiting is probably absolute torture for you-I know it was for me.

 

Unfortunately, your H has to figure this out for himself. He is probably terrified to get off the fence and move one way or another-either choice requires serious repercussions for him so it is easier for him right now just to do nothing. I think it is likely your H will have to hit rock bottom before he can make any decision. Unfortunately, no one-not an IC, not you or even he can predict when that will be. Only your H can make the move to get himself to a better place-whatever that ends up being.

 

I know that it is probably testing the limits of your patience to wait for him. I think you will know when you have reached your limit and only you can decide that. In the meantime while you decide what to do, take care of yourself. I think I would continue to look at other job offers (didn't you say that your old boss was interested in hiring you back) and think about your future.

 

And, I wouldn't say anything to your husband about any of your plans at this point. It will just make him more confused. Just do this for you because if he walks out, then you need to decide what to do next.

 

And if he does choose to walk out, what do you think you will do? Who knows, it might just wake him up to the reality of the situation which is a life without you.

 

Based on what you are posting, I am not under the impression that he is still in contact with the OW and I honestly don't even think that is the biggest issue at this point. And besides, he DID tell you about the email, which is good. Yes, there was contact between them but the fact that he is telling you about it is a first step.

 

I think your H is so confused inside that it really wouldn't make that much difference at this point if he was talking to the OW-his conflict is within himself. If he was planning to be with the OW-he would have done that already.

 

I would still insist on NC but that will be up to him to actually carry through with it.

 

Just take it one day (or half a day) at a time!