marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[taylor]

Even my bff, who left her husband of 18 years last year after trying to make her marriage work for 18 years...(it was awful) thinks I just need to put it all behind me. She's actually got single men lined up waiting to introduce me to them as soon as I'm emotionally able to stand the sight of another man.

 

This post made me laugh a little.

 

I actually have a neighbor who got out of a bad marriage (20 years) last summer. Separated by July and divorced last month. She and her best friend, also recently divorced, hit the dating scene with a vengeance late last summer.

 

It was kind of comical watching these two women transform themselves into dating material...new hairstyles, makeup, new clothes, manicures, spa treatments...all the excitement and anticipation.

 

But you know what, after 6 months of internet dating and dating friends of friends' friends, the excitement has worn off. She's finding out that dating is not all that she thought it would be. She was looking for things in NEW men that didn't exist in her husband. And guess what? She didn't find it. Some, or most, of these NEW men, were no more desireable than her husband. They all had faults, too!

 

So, she's taking a break now. Getting used to living independently and adopting the attitude that if a good one comes along, she'll bite...but she's done fishing for awhile.

 

Adopting patience for the time being.

 

Wise choice.

[pkn06002]

Molly:

Your husband sounds a bit like the issues I have as well.

It really does not matter what your perception of what the marriage was/is like is. Because that is your perception his is the important one to him, right or wrong.

 

I can understand his thinking unfortunately I have no answers, since I am still struggling with some of the things you have on that list.

 

It is a tough one when you feel everything is working against you and happiness and all you want is a bit of escape.

 

I know that when my wife can just enjoy things and spend time it does help alot. Since it does become and escape. Knowing you have support when you hate your job and that sympathetic ear to listen without judging does help also (don't get that as much). Overall it sounds like your husband wants a close friend ( I could be projecting here so forgive me if I am wrong).

[Snowflower]

This post made me laugh a little.

 

She and her best friend, also recently divorced, hit the dating scene with a vengeance late last summer.

 

It was kind of comical watching these two women transform themselves into dating material...new hairstyles, makeup, new clothes, manicures, spa treatments...all the excitement and anticipation.

.

 

This cracks me up! And so true...I've also seen it happen with a family member or two of mine. The women got divorced and then find out the single life is not all it's cracked up to be!

[Snowflower]

Molly:

 

It really does not matter what your perception of what the marriage was/is like is. Because that is your perception his is the important one to him, right or wrong.

 

 

My husband and I also have differing perspectives of what our marriage was like before the A. I thought it was "okay", not great, but solid. He felt like I didn't give a d--- about him or the marriage and that I hadn't really cared for years.

 

We have learned to agree to disagree-because neither one of us is going to be able to change the other's perception.

 

I finally figured out (recently) that how my husband felt about our marriage beforehand is really okay with me. He felt how he felt about things. It makes me sad in some ways and he and I both agree that how he handled it was absolutely wrong (the A). But it is what it is.

 

We are now concentrating on how much better our marriage is now and that is the focus of our energy. I have finally come to the point where I don't "mourn" the loss of our old marriage as much because the new one is so much better.

[Molley]

Fire - interesting way to put it, but true... I think maybe Taylor made mention to fire also... everything, all the bad stuff, gets burned away and you get to build up a new relationship. At this point I can only hope that we get a second chance. Right now I only have my own belief in the strength of our marriage, I know what it was and I know it can be strong, happy and wonderful again. But, at this point I feel it's out of my hands and the unknown (as we've talked) is what's so all consuming right now, the waiting and patience.

[taylor]

My husband and I also have differing perspectives of what our marriage was like before the A.

 

Sometimes I think it's a matter of different tolerance levels.

 

If a man wants sex 5 times a week and is getting it once a week, he may think he's in a sexless marriage. His wife, who is fine with once a week, may think their sex life is perfect.

 

A woman who wants to go out on the town once a week may feel neglected if her husband only makes time to take her out once a month. He may feel totally satisfied with staying home most days and have no need to do otherwise, so he's perfectly happy.

 

A husband may enjoy the comfort of a quiet evening, snuggled up to a good book, and feel all is right with the world, as he looks over seeing his wife doing the same. But the wife may be sitting there in silence wishing her husband would put the book down and talk to her.

 

A man may like porn because it brings him pleasure. A woman may not because she derives no pleasure from it and may feel it takes time away from them as a couple.

 

The couple is living the same scenario together, but the meaning and the perspectives are different because of the tolerance levels.

[Molley]

The couple is living the same scenario together, but the meaning and the perspectives are different because of the tolerance levels.

 

that is so very true and as I play back my life over these last couple of years, I see it.

[Molley]

so, went out to lunch with friends to Ikea... then of course we had to walk through the store, they were taking their time, looking at every flipping little detail. OMG.... normally, I would be the same way, touching everything, feeling it... oh yeah. But now, all of the sudden I started getting an attack, I HAD to get home! Of course, as anyone who's been to an Ikea knows... the place HUGE and designed to not let you get to the exit door until you walk through the whole place. I though I was going to die. Didn't want to be rude by bolting, so I stayed with them while they dragged themselves through the store. I think my limit for being away from the house is about 3 1/2 hours at this point.

 

I just had to get home, get back into my sweats and start typing on my computer.

 

My WH finally got an appt set up with an IC for this Sat morning. The guys not an FMT, some kind of counselor. I do hope he's good. At this point, he's tried to set up appt's with 4 different people, he just needs to get in and speak with someone. We'll see how it goes. I'm a bit nervous about the whole process. I guess after my last experience when we went into MC, and she told me to move on and that he needs an adventure... I just don't know what this guys going to say.

[Molley]

Well, tonight turned out to be a good evening. We went out and played golf... or he played golf and I just tried to make a connection with the ball. But, I went out and enjoyed myself, it was fun to be out trying something new and spending time with my WH. We both enjoyed ourselves. Of course, we got horney, we came home and... yup, you guessed it, great sex. Then dinner and now he's back sleeping in his room. We'll see how tomorrow turns out. He actually almost seemed like my husband again tonight... I saw flashes of a normal man, not one who's been abducted by aliens.

 

Although, right before he left for his room, he started talking again about how to divide up the furniture. I wouldn't have any of it, and walked away from him. Told him I'm not going to discuss it and I went upstairs.

[thegoodlife]

Molley, I have been reading your thread everyday from when you first posted, checking back everyday, usually a couple times a day to read any updates. I have not commented as I'm still very young, and I'm sure it's much better to get advice from people who have been on both sides of your situation. But I do have to say, I admire your strength and your courage. My heart has ached for you, and I'm so sorry for the pain all of this has caused you. I don't know how you've managed to make it through. I just wanted to say you're an amazing woman and I wish the best for you, no matter the outcome. You deserve nothing but happiness. *hugs*

[taylor]

Well, tonight turned out to be a good evening. We went out and played golf... or he played golf and I just tried to make a connection with the ball. But, I went out and enjoyed myself, it was fun to be out trying something new and spending time with my WH. We both enjoyed ourselves. Of course, we got horney, we came home and... yup, you guessed it, great sex. Then dinner and now he's back sleeping in his room. We'll see how tomorrow turns out. He actually almost seemed like my husband again tonight... I saw flashes of a normal man, not one who's been abducted by aliens.

 

Although, right before he left for his room, he started talking again about how to divide up the furniture. I wouldn't have any of it, and walked away from him. Told him I'm not going to discuss it and I went upstairs.

 

Molley, I think these are all good, promising signs. The fact that he wants to do things with you..spend time. And that he still wants to be intimate with you after spending time together. All normal couple stuff, don't you think?

 

Believe me, if he didn't see any value in you or the marriage, he wouldn't be doing these things.

 

Your husband is unhappy with himself and his life. He blamed you and the marriage. He checked out. Thought he was in paradise. Was ready to take flight out the door.

 

But he is slowly realizing his unhappiness is not because of you or the marriage. He's realizing he wasn't in paradise. He still has some residual thoughts about taking flight (hence, the furniture thing), but he doesn't look to me like he's going anywhere.

 

I think it's great you are showing him the value to be had in your marriage should he choose to stay. The happy times..these connected times...is what will make him come back around. He knows he would be nuts to leave all that behind...for what?

 

Keep making these memories with him, Molley. Grab every opportunity to reconnect like this.

 

And I think you did great shutting down the discussion regarding the furniture. It's good you didn't let him go there. After a wonderful evening, that would have spoiled it all. Keep him focused on the good..focused on reconnection.

[Molley]

Thank you, GoodLife for your hug (sure did need that this morning) and kind words.

 

You know, I've always felt blessed, my life has always been wonderful, sure there have been complications and problems to deal with. But I was blessed to have wonderful parents, a loving husband, great friends, good job... etc the important things, I thought were all lined up for me. I always felt that Someone was watchin out for me... until now.

 

I never, ever thought I would be in this situation. I know most people feel the same as I, we just pass through life, doing the best we can, we go to work, make love, enjoy a happy home and then one day a bomb goes off and your life is changed forever. I don't think I'm strong, far from it. But really at this point, what can I do? I don't know how much more I can take, so I go day by day. Some days, like this morning are so difficult. I just try to work through all the emotions, pick myself up and move on.

 

I put all of me into my marriage and life and its so hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my H didn't do the same. That he could so easily piss it away and now, now that I finally know there's a problem, he doesn't want to try to solve and strengthen our marriage. I know... he's in a fog, going through withdrawal... I know all those things, but still... this morning I woke up with this awful feeling of dread and I just can't seem to push it aside.

 

Honestly, a huge part of my feels like if I had just stayed at my corporate job, just dealt with my own unhappiness there, talked to my husband more about it, we wouldn't be at the end of our marriage right now. I know the affair isn't my fault, but I'm carrying this guilt that I helped destroy my marriage and now its too far gone to repair. And that is almost unbearable for me to deal with. I could understand if we weren't compatable, had so many difference, but that's not it.

 

I'm so worried that during his IC session tomorrow the counselor will say, "ok, so you no longer love your wife, time to move on. Let me help you deal with how you can tell her goodbye and move on with your new single wonderful life, cause the grass is always greener on the other side... lets make you happy as a single man now." I know I'm not being rational right now.

[Snowflower]

I'm glad that you had a pretty good day with your husband yesterday.

 

I know his "back and forth" behavior is probably driving you nuts by now but from what I am reading in your posts, I think your H is making progress in figuring out what he wants to do. And, I still maintain that I think there is hope from what you are saying.

 

Like I said before (and I think taylor did too) your husband blamed you and your marriage for his unhappiness and is just now realizing that it wasn't your marriage as much as it was him. My guess is that he is going to be confused and scared for awhile.

 

I'm glad he has an appointment to see a counselor. Just be prepared though, your husband might really become distant afterward for a while as he thinks about things and processes what they discussed. My counselor called it "therapy hangover" and you might have experienced it yourself after your IC sessions. I know I have--where I just feel a little off-balance emotionally, sad and not myself. It comes from really starting to look at yourself and what you are feeling.

 

Don't be too alarmed--I was terrified the first time my H went to IC and came home and told me that he definitely wanted a divorce--after only one session. I was completely devastated. But, a day or two later my H had backed off of the divorce talk and once again tried to reconnect.

 

I'm sure your H will have different reactions obviously, but I just wanted to let you know that your H might seem like he is going backward in the process-especially at first. Try not to worry about it-especially for the first few sessions. Your husband has a lot to work through.

[Molley]

Thanks Taylor... as you can read, I'm feeling pretty pathetic this morning. So, needed your pep talk.

 

I think what got me to being so pathetic was listening to Dr Laura yesterday while driving back from my Ikea experience. She had 2 callers on there whose husbands had affairs... one of the guys moved out then came back wanting to try to make it work. Laura blamed both the callers for the affairs, absolved the husbands, it was the wives fault that they cheating because they weren't girl friends to their husbands, they didn't pay attention to them... I could go on. I'm not blaming myself for the affair, far from it. OMG, I think I should have turned off my radio (don't normally listen to her anyway.) Now I can't get her out of my head.

 

but yes, there are small connections and bits of light in our shattered relationship, so I should not completely dispair. baby steps.

[Snowflower]

OMG...don't listen to Dr. Laura! While I think she has some good advice in other situations (person responsibility, raising children, etc), when she blames wives for the husband's infidelity it is just wrong! It made me so mad when she came out and said that a few years ago and that was long before my husband had done anything.

 

Molley, this is not your fault. Sure, you probably made mistakes in your marriage, who doesn't. I know I have plenty in mine-very serious ones-almost as bad as what my husband did.

 

But two wrongs don't make a right. There is no excuse for cheating--although I can understand when a BS has a revenge affair. It's not right-I wouldn't do it-but I can understand when it happens.

[angie2443]

Thanks Taylor... as you can read, I'm feeling pretty pathetic this morning. So, needed your pep talk.

 

I think what got me to being so pathetic was listening to Dr Laura yesterday while driving back from my Ikea experience. She had 2 callers on there whose husbands had affairs... one of the guys moved out then came back wanting to try to make it work. Laura blamed both the callers for the affairs, absolved the husbands, it was the wives fault that they cheating because they weren't girl friends to their husbands, they didn't pay attention to them... I could go on. I'm not blaming myself for the affair, far from it. OMG, I think I should have turned off my radio (don't normally listen to her anyway.) Now I can't get her out of my head.

 

but yes, there are small connections and bits of light in our shattered relationship, so I should not completely dispair. baby steps.

 

I think Dr. Laura has been or is the OW. This would explain her thinking. If I'm mixing her up with someone else, I'm sorry.

[Molley]

Snowflower, thanks for the warning

Just be prepared though, your husband might really become distant afterward for a while as he thinks about things and processes what they discussed. My counselor called it "therapy hangover"

 

Don't be too alarmed--I was terrified the first time my H went to IC and came home and told me that he definitely wanted a divorce--after only one session. your H might seem like he is going backward in the process-especially at first. Try not to worry about it-especially for the first few sessions. Your husband has a lot to work through.

 

We'll see how it goes, at least hearing about your session and result after the first one has put me a bit more on alert regarding what to expect. I know everyone is different. but our experience seems to be so similar.

 

I actually am starting to see that what my H and I are going through is pretty text book, nothing about our situation seems to be out of the ordinary... it's so sad that this happens all the time with married couples.

 

Angie - I think you may be right, something's ringing a distant bell, that she did that when she was pretty young with and older man. Or maybe those were just nude photos...

[taylor]

I thought were all lined up for me. I always felt that Someone was watchin out for me... until now.

 

If you are a Christian woman, Molley, you know that somone is still watching out for you..moreso now than ever. Who do you think is giving you strength to get through these turbulent days?

 

I never, ever thought I would be in this situation. I know most people feel the same as I, we just pass through life, doing the best we can, we go to work, make love, enjoy a happy home and then one day a bomb goes off and your life is changed forever. I don't think I'm strong, far from it.

 

I know this feeling as well. Don't want to go into details, but up until 9 years ago I thought I was living in a fairy tale and I was Cinderella. That's how good life was. And then the BOMBS started to drop and one day I woke up and wondered whose life I was living.

 

I truly believe difficult times are put in our path to make us grow, to make us learn, to make us strong. There is a reason for all this pain..a purpose.

 

I put all of me into my marriage and life and its so hard for me to come to grips with the fact that my H didn't do the same.

 

People crap on other people all the time. And they say we all hurt the ones we love most. I hear you, Molley..but please try not to dwell on this. Accept, but don't dwell. I know, easy for me to say.

 

now, now that I finally know there's a problem, he doesn't want to try to solve and strengthen our marriage. I know... he's in a fog, going through withdrawal... I know all those things, but still

 

Yes, this is the unfair part. He went out and had an affair before giving you a chance to help solve anything. But, remember, most of the problems are inside him, Molley. He has to fix them himself.

 

Honestly, a huge part of my feels like if I had just stayed at my corporate job, just dealt with my own unhappiness there, talked to my husband more about it, we wouldn't be at the end of our marriage right now.

 

Every single BS on this forum would tell you, DON'T GO THERE. Don't blame yourself for the destruction of your marriage caused by your husband's choice to have an affair.

 

Neither you nor your husband have been talking to each other, it seems, for a long time. You are no more guilty than he is for the disconnect. Again, no dwelling here. Roll up the sleeves and work on the connection.

 

I'm carrying this guilt that I helped destroy my marriage and now its too far gone to repair. And that is almost unbearable for me to deal with. I could understand if we weren't compatable, had so many difference, but that's not it.

 

Again, stop it. Blaming is a worthless activity. You did nothing wrong. Like you said earlier, you gave everything to your marriage. But, Molley, it takes two to make it work. Put your energy into reconnection, not blaming (especially yourself).

 

I'm so worried that during his IC session tomorrow the counselor will say, "ok, so you no longer love your wife, time to move on. Let me help you deal with how you can tell her goodbye and move on with your new single wonderful life, cause the grass is always greener on the other side... lets make you happy as a single man now." I know I'm not being rational right now.

 

I doubt things will go this way. Your husband is way too confused and all over the map emotionally to be able to make any concrete decisions in the near future..and hopefully a counselor would recognize this.

 

I agree with Snowflower about the "therapy hangover." Counselors give their clients alot of FOOD for thought, meaning he will have alot to digest and process..ALOT...before he is capable of making any earth-shattering decisions. Your husband making a major decision now with his counselor's blessing would be irresponsible on her part..and his.

[Molley]

okay, see... I told you I was being pathetic this morning. Right you all are! Stop the blame, move forward, no more Dr Laura.

 

And Taylor you're right, God gives you only what you can handle... or something like that. There's a reason for this and I need to remember that, something good will come out of all of this... I think I forgot that, and that's what helped me along until now. Thanks for the reminder.

[Molley]

You know... I am so BORED. I know my WH has said that we were a boring couple (one of his reasons for wanting out and why he had an A.) But honestly, we used to be quiet fun, espcially on the weekends, used to cook together... had a fun time. But now, because he's withdrawn, it's difficult to sometimes start up an conversation with him, ok, must of the time it's difficult. Yesterday was a fun evening, tonight he's cooking dinner, doesn't want my help. I've tried talking to him, doesn't really want to talk. I'm sitting in the family while he's just a few steps away in the kitchen cooking and reading.

 

I called him today, told him I would be in the area and suggested lunch. He said ok, so we had lunch on base. That went ok, except that he kept looking around all over the place, like what, like he would see her... or he didn't want to look me too much in the eyes (more like it.) He has mentioned that he hardly goes out these days because he doesn't want to see her anywhere.

 

After lunch I sat in the car for a bit. Then decided to drive by his office, his car wasn't there. So I waited for a bit, he finally showed up and of course spotted me. Called me on he cell phone, saying that I was looking for him in the wrong parking lot. No, I said... I see him there. Said he was getting gas. Then I apologized and drove away. Of course, I called back about a minute later and told him that I was not sorry for checking up on him. This is what's happening now, this is reality and that it's going to be difficult like this for a while. He said he understood.

 

So, tonight I'm just sad, bored and lonely. Feel like I'm not making any connection with him, but how can I when he's not allowing me in. We'll see, evening is still early.

[giotto]

It always amazes me how golf can make you horny... it makes me sleep!

 

I think you are a bit obsessing about him in this phase of your recovery... you don't have any children, do you? I don't remember... but you see, with children you would have your mind occupied by other things and your husband story would take second stage. I'm not blaming you, it's normal... try and focus more on yourself, don't make your entire life revolving around him. If you want my honest opinion, I don't think you will ever recover from his infidelity. You are still checking up on him. Although understandable, it's not healthy. How long are you going to carry on like this? Hoping that one day he will be fine? He might never be fine. Are you prepared to suffer for the rest of your life?

[Molley]

Giotto - you must have never played golf with someone you were attracted to then ;-) you should give it a try, make bets along the way.... trust me, after the game, you won’t feel sleepy.

 

Yes, I fully realize I'm obsessing at this time, however I also realize that it's only been a month since I found out about the affair, so if I'm obsessing, so be it, I feel I can do so for a bit, although I also realize that I need to start pulling myself out and move. I've started seeing an IC for that reason, to help me move past this. Just as the WS needs time to withdrawal and deal with his/her own crap, a BS needs time to come to terms with what happened, to feel it all. And in my own foggy opinion, a month isn't overly long of a time to feel pain, obsess and morn the lost of a marriage. I know what I need to do, have to do in order to move past this. Will I recover from his affair? Yes, I full believe I will recover; I have to for my own mental health. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life not having faith in my husband or possibly a future new partner. I refuse to live life unhappy and suffering, that’s not me. I know I will recover and be a better person.

 

Actually, yesterday was the first time since I discovered the affair that I have checked up on him by driving past his work place. I haven’t once driven by the OW’s place to check and see if they were together and I don’t intend to do that, seems like a total waste of time to me. The most I’ve done is ask him if he’s had any contact. If he said no, I have believed him. I have not asked for his passwords to his emails, I’ve checked cell records for phone calls, that’s it.

 

What I’m writing in this forum is cathartic for me; it’s helping me move past everything. The support I am receiving is helping me focus on what’s important and again, being only a month out, I am giving myself the OK to be all over the place emotionally, to be irrational and to feel and acknowledge what’s going on with me.

[taylor]

I don't think you are obsessing at all.

 

Heck some BS go to great lengths putting their WS under surveillance..keylogger on the computer, access to all passwords on internet and cell phone accounts...and some go as far as to hire PI's.

 

What you are doing is nothing compared to what others do.

 

You need total transparency from him, Molley. It's the way you will start to build trust. Eventually you won't need these reassurances but right now it's vital. Do whatever you need to do to get it. You owe no one an apology for it.

 

I will have to respectfully disagree with giotto. Regardless of whether you have children or not, this betrayal IS front and center, and will be so for some time to come. It's not to be minimized. Like you said, it was like a bomb dropping into the center of your life.

 

Know that the good times and bad times are going to ebb. The connection will come and go and come again.

 

Hang in there. I hope you can enjoy some of this wonderful weekend.

[Molley]

thanks Taylor yes I agree, I don't need to apologize how I'm feeling right now regarding the A. I need to start my note off by saying that tonight, as I was leaving for bed and I picked up my laptop (which has been turned off for most of the day) to take it with me, my H actually said. "YOu know I think maybe you need to give that a break. I know it's helped you deal with all of this, but maybe you should talk to your friends a bit more, maybe you're spending too much time with your help group on line" Hum... really? Well, the fact that my friends don't really understand what's happening to me, they've told me to kick your butt our, and that folks on LS do... is one reason why I"m not going to take a break. One of the few things that has actually kept me sane and moving forward was the support and information I've received from this site.

 

He finally came back from his IC session at around 12:30, when the session was at 8:30AM... and after I had finally called him to find out where he was and he didn't answer, my mind was racing... where the heck could he be? I was doing some errands in town, knew he had planned to get a hair cut but he wasn't there. All I could think of was that he went to meet wit the OW. But, he acutally ended up going to a book store and did some shopping. I realized that I need to start concentrating on other things, I just can't continue to think that each time he's a bit late getting home, or I can't reach him, that it means he's with her... I know, easier said than done. He actually said that I've got to stop checking up on him, because he's worried that I"m going to drive myself crazy. Oh really? fancy that... like I'm not half way a nut case as it is because of him.

 

Anyway, we actually ended up having a very nice evening. We talked while I watched him brew beer, we flirted with each other, ate pizza and then had great sex (surprise!) Then we talked a bit more about how we got here and the fact that we're not anything different from all the other couples who have problems with their marriages. That we didn't take care and this is what happened. Earlier in the evening we did start discussing a bit about each others needs. Then he drops in that he's just worried that maybe he's too far gone already... he's past feeling resentment toward me, he said. I just let him say it and didn't react. I'm thinking... if he was too far down the road, we wouldn't be here talking, connecting and having great sex. Sorry, we just wouldn't. He would be out the door. He did say that he's still guilty after sex, and I was able to let him know that this is a very normal response at this point (see... I knew that only from the support I received on LS.) That seemed to make him feel better and we were able to continue to talk, then we enjoyed a comedy show and now we're both sleeping in our own beds. I would love to have him sleeping with me again, but at this point, I figure that's not something that's a deal breaker.

 

So, that's how my Saturday ended... not bad, dispite how it started out. And yes, he's going back every Sat morning for IC. And now, he's thinking that he doesn't have depression after all, he's starting to feel better about work again. Which is good, although I notice that when I comes home from work, it's difficult to engage him and also Sunday afternoons, he becomes depressed and withdrawals, I'm thinking because he's got to return to work on Monday. So, ok if he's now saying he's not suffering from depression... we'll see. Tomorrow's Sunday see how things shapes up.

 

Night!

[ForumFool]

I wish you luck....I have always read it is OK to check for a long time ....years even...he broke the trust and has to live with it.....Sorry you have to deal with all this ...it sucks I know