giotto Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 I hadn't realised it was only one month, but it's time to start getting your house in order. Do you really see a future with your husband? Can you trust him again? I wouldn't be able to. I know they are BIG questions, but I think you should ask yourself first if you can ever be ok with infidelity. I could put up with a drunken one night stand, but sustained infidelity like your husband's? Hopefully the counselling will help you both. But it will be a long journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 3, 2009 Author Share Posted May 3, 2009 Thanks ForumFool. Yes, only a bit over a month now and the PA itself lasted maybe a month, they spent about another month getting to know each other berfore the actual affair. But, you're right, I have been asking myself if I can live with all of this, right now it's a journey of discovery. I believe I can if we can once again bring ourselves back to being in love with each other and happy. It will never be the same, so my belief is that it will be better. I would prefer to repair what I have, I know this man and have loved him for so many years, I don't want to start over again. And yes, I feel that I can trust him again. In fact, I think that's one of the hardest things right now. That I still trust him, I find it difficult not too. Then I read some of the posts on the infidelity sites and I start spinning my wheels that I'm too trusting. The thought of divorce and then dating again is not appealing to me at this point in my life. I realize that it may come down to that, but I'm not focusing my attention on it. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 my H actually said. "YOu know I think maybe you need to give that a break. I know it's helped you deal with all of this, but maybe you should talk to your friends a bit more, maybe you're spending too much time with your help group on line" Hum... really? Well, the fact that my friends don't really understand what's happening to me, they've told me to kick your butt our, and that folks on LS do... Maybe he's concerned you're getting addicted to LS and shutting out the rest of the world. I know how difficult it is to find trusted friends to talk to about the subject of infidelity. Who wants to share that kind of info with friends? No one truly understands what anyone goes thru who has been involved with infidelity unless you've been there..no one. Even though you may not want to share with your friends what's happening inside your marriage, you know it can't hurt to spend some fun times with friends doing normal things. Perhaps if your husband sees you enjoying some normal activities with friends and family, he will be a little more relaxed. A little "normalcy" can't hurt, right? All I could think of was that he went to meet wit the OW. I just can't continue to think that each time he's a bit late getting home, or I can't reach him, that it means he's with her. He actually said that I've got to stop checking up on him, because he's worried that I"m going to drive myself crazy. Your husband needs to know how important it is that he SHOWS you he can be trusted. After all, he violated your trust in the worst way possible. He needs to know he CAN'T be late and he CAN'T be unreachable by phone. He needs to know that THIS is exactly what makes it impossible for you to trust him. You have to lay the groundwork to build trust...meaning he must agree to NOT be late and he must agree to BE reachable. That is how he will reassure you that you can trust him. What HE does will determine how much checking up you will have to do. If you are having to check up on him every 10 minutes because he is doing something suspect, then obviously he is not working hard enough to build trust with you. if he was too far down the road, we wouldn't be here talking, connecting and having great sex. That's right! He did say that he's still guilty after sex, Molley, can I ask...is he initiating? I would love to have him sleeping with me again, but at this point, I figure that's not something that's a deal breaker. No, not a dealbreaker. Hey, as long as you are having sex.. Give him time to return to your bed. It would be great if he was the one who, down the road, said, "Honey, I miss sleeping with you." Give him time to miss it. If I were you, I'd do a little redecorating in the bedroom. Brighten it up. Change it up a bit. Make it cozier or more appealing.. Buy some new sheets or pillows or rearrange the furniture. Do it for YOU!..Just a suggestion. So, ok if he's now saying he's not suffering from depression... we'll see. Molley, I wouldn't put a whole lot of credence in anything he says right now. He's going to say one thing one day and something totally different the next day that's just going to keep you bouncing around like a ping pong ball mentally. He's just thinking out loud. He's still very confused. Listen, but don't take everything he says to heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 Yes, he's the one initiating sex. Except for a couple times, its has always been him. He's always been a very sexual man, so its something very important to him. I've always done things with friends, but during the week. I've kept the weekends clear (except sometimes) to spend time with my H. Guess, I need to change things around a bit. For example, today.. I thought we were going to do something together. But, instead he decided to go out on his own, so he's out the door at 11:30AM, won't tell me where he's going when I asked, he says he's just going to go to his "thinking spot" I guess he came home sometime around 4:30pm... that's what he told me, since I had left around 3:30 to do something on my own. Found out that he went to the bookstore, driving range and down to the lake. All things that I've suggested us do together. Especially the lake. This is a little lake we used to go to together just to enjoy an afternoon out, we would take a little picnic there. When I finally got home around 6pm, he tried to help with dinner while he told me what he had done during the day. I asked if this was part of the new therapy, to do as little as possible with me? He said that it's part of the therapy, but it's to get him to go out, become more interesting, more fun. Okay... so I didn't think the old guy was dull and boring, I liked the man I had, he's the only one who thought he was boring. To make matters worse, I was cleaning out a closet today and found many of his old letter to me... spanning back to 1992 during his first deployment to Yemen and Mogadishu all the way through our years together, detailing our many times apart, our anniversary's, V-Days, B-days... those letters were so wonderful, so telling, we were so in love... and now I don't even recognize him. I have 3 friends that I've confided in regarding what's going on. Two of them, although they're my best friends and are very supportive, really just want my H out of the house because they don't like seeing me hurt. So, I've kind of stopped telling them everything because I don't want them to start hating him at this point. Ok, great, hate him if we get divorced, but not yet. My other friend had her husband cheat on her years ago, they got a divorce and a couple years later got back together again. I find that she's great to talk to, because her husband pulled the same exact stuff with her. But, even she wants me me kick him out. So, really except for LS, the concensus is to kick his butt out.. I'm acting out of character and it's bothering them. So, yes... I'm a ping pong ball right now... and yes, so true... don't listen to everything he's saying right now. Who was it that said, only about 50% of the crap WS's saying right after the A is true? It's like he's processing through all of this stuff and has forgotten how to to shut off his voice as the thoughts are playing through his mind. Maybe I am addicted to LS? Guess that's better than other things that I could be addicted to :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 But, you're right, I have been asking myself if I can live with all of this, right now it's a journey of discovery. I believe I can if we can once again bring ourselves back to being in love with each other and happy. It will never be the same, so my belief is that it will be better. I would prefer to repair what I have, I know this man and have loved him for so many years, I don't want to start over again. And yes, I feel that I can trust him again. In fact, I think that's one of the hardest things right now. That I still trust him, I find it difficult not too. Then I read some of the posts on the infidelity sites and I start spinning my wheels that I'm too trusting. The thought of divorce and then dating again is not appealing to me at this point in my life. I realize that it may come down to that, but I'm not focusing my attention on it. Hi Molley, I think you have a very good handle on things from what you are posting here. I'm glad that you feel you can trust your husband. I will say this about trust from my perspective as a BS...you will always hear (especially after infidelity) about how once trust is broken, that the relationship is over, or that you can't have a loving relationship without trust, that once the trust is gone it will never come back, etc. etc. What my husband and I found was that yes, a relationship can continue, heal and grow even when trust has been damaged. When my husband and I were in the early stages of recovery, we were both worried about the trust issue. But what we found was that my husband's trust for me was enough to keep our relationship going in those early stages. Obviously, my husband's trust in me had never been shattered - it was still intact so at least there was trust flowing one way in our relationship...it was a good foundation. And it was enough to help us through when things were so hard at the beginning. Molley, it's interesting that you mention that you still trust your husband. I think that is a hopeful sign. I know in my situation, there were some very deep levels of trust that I had for my husband that were never destroyed--I had to learn to build on that. It's complicated to try to explain why I was still able to trust him after everything, but I think some of it has to do with the fact that my H didn't lie to me much during his A-he just completely distanced himself. But, I think I am doing very well in the trust department, all things considered. Like you said, your husband will have to work very hard to earn your trust. I hope he is able to "step up to the plate" and work hard to rebuild your trust in him. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Anyway, we actually ended up having a very nice evening. We talked while I watched him brew beer, we flirted with each other, ate pizza and then had great sex (surprise!) Then we talked a bit more about how we got here and the fact that we're not anything different from all the other couples who have problems with their marriages. That we didn't take care and this is what happened. Earlier in the evening we did start discussing a bit about each others needs. Then he drops in that he's just worried that maybe he's too far gone already... he's past feeling resentment toward me, he said. I just let him say it and didn't react. I'm thinking... if he was too far down the road, we wouldn't be here talking, connecting and having great sex. Sorry, we just wouldn't. He would be out the door. Night! Hey, your H knows how to brew beer? How cool is that?! (just keeping things light here!) It's good you guys are talking about things. From what you have been posting here, it seems to me like your H is opening up a bit more about things-especially in your relationship. Do you think this is true? When my H and I have serious talks since reconciling--they are usually about one of two things 1. The A: what happened there 2. Our marriage: before and after the A As time has gone on, we talk less about the A and more about our marriage, the good, the bad and the ugly. I feel like I know everything I need to know about the A, what is was and what it wasn't. So, my focus now is our marriage. Since you and your H appear to be talking about your relationship more and the OW and the A less, I think that is a step in the right direction. What did you H mean about "feeling past resentment towards me (you)"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 What did you H mean about "feeling past resentment towards me (you)"? I believe its the fact that he resented how I wasn't there for him during these last 2 years while I was struggling with my business. How I was always working, didn't do much... what's funny is that although I did work a lot, I feel that we still had quite a bit of fun together. But, of course, he doesn't see it that way... perception. He feels that I stepped out and didn't care about our marriage any longer, didn't love him. I'm starting to think that's why he finally checked out and now doesn't want to check back in again. I'm wondering, what books did you or anyone else going through a similar sitatuation find helpful to read? I've read "surviving and affair" by Harley and his other books, "his needs/her needs" and "fall in love/stay in love" but none of these books seem to help me with how I can move past all the pain and how to deal with a spouse who's going through thing similar to what my H is. Seem that everything I've been reading shows that after an affair, the WS is remorseful and the couple tries to work on the marriage, together. But, what if that's not the case, what if the WS checks out like mine has (and then checks back in and out and in...,) how does the BS work through all of that, how to deal with the emotions? Snowflower, seems like your husband did the same thing and Taylor also did something similar... how does the BS just keep it together until the WS snaps out of it more? I've been spending the days looking for a new job, trying to shove myself back into the work force... thinking I need some good prayers to help in the search and finding of a new career/job. I think that if I had something else to hold my thoughts for a whiel, something new... to focus on, things would be better for me. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Molly: I warned you about the whole comparing your post-affair with others. I fell into the same trap and it leads to a bad bad place. You need to realize that your post-affair is your post-affair and that things maybe same/different than others. Just take in the examples and see what works but don't think you are succeeding/failing based on other stories. Where you want a WS that is helping I wanted a BS that would. We both got people different then the "normal" example shown. Does not mean you cannot get things changed/fixed. One thing I can say that helped me along was this. Your old relationship is dead/gone, you need to let that go and deal with the here and now. The husband you had in those letters may or may not ever come back. So deal with the deck you have in hand. Those small positive things you are seeing are those windows I mentioned that you need to build on, if you want to "recover" (whatever that becomes). I can understand your husband's resentment, I will bet if he read what you posted that he would say that was a good summation. You replaced him with work, regardless of the motivation. For some reason men do hold on to resentment. If he has told you he is past that, it is a good thing. Like you have to learn to trust he has to do the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 Molly: I warned you about the whole comparing your post-affair with others. I fell into the same trap and it leads to a bad bad place. You need to realize that your post-affair is your post-affair and that things maybe same/different than others. Just take in the examples and see what works but don't think you are succeeding/failing based on other stories. . Thanks for the reminder PKN, I had forgotten, no two situations are the same. Build on the small positives.. right you are ;-) You're right too that not only am I the one who has to learn to trust in this relationship. He also has to learn how to trust that I'll be there for him. I don't expect the old relationship to be back, don't want that. I guess right now it feels like we're both working on repairing ourselves. He's working on his own demons and I'm trying to work through mine. We co-exist together, pleasant with one another, eat together. Then every so often we actually come together and click (seems like every 2-3 days?) and then we talk about our relationship and become a bit more intimate. Then the next day it's back to our own little world. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 You two are getting along, have fun etc... that is something to take as a positive! Now your seeing why most MC say to not make any dramatic decisions for 6 months. If this is still how your living (not saying it will be) in 6 months then make those drastic decisions. Remember what that people say this takes years to repair (I remind myself of that all the time), with the average being around 2 years. But don't put any time tables in place either. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 I'm wondering, what books did you or anyone else going through a similar sitatuation find helpful to read? I've read "surviving and affair" by Harley and his other books, "his needs/her needs" and "fall in love/stay in love" but none of these books seem to help me with how I can move past all the pain and how to deal with a spouse who's going through thing similar to what my H is. I didn't really read any books...I tried to...I went to Barnes & Noble one day, large cup of coffee in hand and tried to peruse that part of the "relationships" section of the store. But for some reason, nothing helped me and the books made me feel worse about things. Seem that everything I've been reading shows that after an affair, the WS is remorseful and the couple tries to work on the marriage, together. But, what if that's not the case, what if the WS checks out like mine has (and then checks back in and out and in...,) how does the BS work through all of that, how to deal with the emotions? Snowflower, seems like your husband did the same thing and Taylor also did something similar... how does the BS just keep it together until the WS snaps out of it more? That's funny...it seems like everything I read was just the opposite scenario (where the BS is the one who tries to make things work, but the WS does not) but that's just what I found to read! Molley, The biggest difference between your situation and mine is the fact that my husband just seemed to "give up" on our marriage last summer with little explanation. Looking back now, I know what the catalyst was-it wasn't the A but something else-the A was a reaction, but for a long time I did not know what was going wrong. His back and forth behavior went on for months...I didn't know about the A until the very end. So, I had no idea why my husband checked in/checked out of our marriage for months. He simply wouldn't give me an explanation. In some ways, when my H confessed his affair it was almost a relief because I was going crazy by not having a definitive explanation. In my mind, you don't just end an 18 year marriage without a good reason. I don't know how I kept it together...I was getting pretty exhausted by the end. I just had an absolute faith in our marriage--I knew I still loved my husband and I knew that he loved me. Even at our worst times last year, he could never deny that he loved me. Molley, my best advice to you is to just take care of yourself as best you can. Continue to research jobs, go out with friends, do things that you enjoy. Whether your marriage survives or not (personally, I think your husband is coming around-from what you are posting here), you need to take care of yourself. I had a hard time just focusing on myself at first...but it got easier. Take this time to do some introspection and realize that no matter what happens, your life has made a sharp turn into a new place...you will need to be prepared for that. If you and your husband decide to recover your marriage there will still be a lot more hard work to do...take this time to reflect on your own life and what you would still like to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 oh yes, he did say that he doesn't hate me... that he loves me as a sister, he's just not in love with me. I think we've all heard that line :-) Snowflower, I don't know how you did it....I think I would have gone even nuttier if I hadn't known what was really behind the mess. You're right though, how does someone one day just decide that an 18 yr relationship is done and over with, doesn't even want to work on it? Their brains turn into mush... they actually think that we would say, "oh okay..." and move on? At least things have settled down a bit, he didn't bring up divorce or talk "furniture separation" at all this weekend. This morning I sent out an email to just about anyone I knew letting them know that I'm seeking a job. We'll see, maybe my connections will help me land somthing of interest and pay. I'm becoming extremely motivated to find something. Tired of working at home, excited to think that I maybe learning something new. I'm also trying to get a dinner date together with some of my friends. I've been out of pocket for over a month now, and friends are wondering if I've fallen off the face of the earth. You're right, as long as I keep myself busy, it's a good thing. I think the other issue is that when I became a business owner, my life wasn't as exciting to him or me... it was just the daily grind of work, so he stopped wanting to hear about it, since it was always the same stuff... money issues. A friend of mine suggested using SAM-e to help calm me. I just took some, I'll keep everyone updated regarding how it works. He leaves tomorrow for a business trip across country, returns Friday. He actually sent me a message asking if I would take him to the airport, if not he'd just take a cab. I had already told him I would be happy to take him to the airport a few days before. Thought that was odd. PKN - yes, I'm finally realizing why MC's say not to do anything right away, don't rush a decision. I know supportive friends around me want me to do SOMETHING... but I'm kind of with you, take time to decide, I think more harm can be done if we rush too quickly into a decision. Boy, I think these SAM-e pills are working, I took a couple maybe 45min ago, and I'm feeling nicely relaxed and sleepy, need a nap? Is this what they do? Or do I just need a nap. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 He leaves tomorrow for a business trip across country, returns Friday. He actually sent me a message asking if I would take him to the airport, if not he'd just take a cab. I had already told him I would be happy to take him to the airport a few days before. Thought that was odd. Boy, I think these SAM-e pills are working, I took a couple maybe 45min ago, and I'm feeling nicely relaxed and sleepy, need a nap? Is this what they do? Or do I just need a nap. Maybe he is just trying to "gauge" you--trying to figure out your level of commitment-by seeing if you will do these little things for him-even though you had already offered. Kind of crazy, huh? My H did that all the time last year-second guessing me. Really, I think he was second-guessing himself. Like you said Molley, their heads are/were mush! I'm not sure what those SAM-e pills are? I haven't heard of them. Were they a prescription? Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 RoystonS if he still does nothing then what? Because if my wife had done that to me, she would've gotten a blank piece of paper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 Hi Molley, Ask your husband when did the affair start with this other woman who works at his base. Over the last two years things have not been right in your marriage; what was it like three years ago? . Hi Roy, already found out that he met her while away for 7 weeks, they started the A a few weeks berfore returning back home, beginning of March. Slept together the night before returning home and then the A continued until early April when I figured it out and he began NC. But we do need to discuss our relationship prior to it going bad, when did it start going down hill? As I've mentioned in past postings, about the same time he returned home from Iraq and I started my business. I have to say, we've always had a very solid and happy relationship, thought we were just going through a down turn, but had no idea just how bad things had become. Also, already told him that I love him and that I'll support whatever decision. The balls in his court. For now, he's going through IC and that's as far as I'm willing to push him. As PKN mentioned, I have a feeling I'd get back a blank paper... my husband won't do that and he won't go to a romantic restaurant right now with me. He didn't even want to do that for our anniversary which was Mar 25, a couple days before D Day. SAM-e's are natural suppliments don't need an RX for them. They naturally restore a healthy mood... which i'm hoping means a happy mood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Took a huge step backwards this evening. This after he called a couple times to let me know that he woud be late coming home from work because something came up on the flightline. Finally shows up, we eat dinner, we have a pretty good converstation duing dinner, than we start discussing our relationship, it takes a down turn with him saying that he's just not getting that "feeling" back. He doesn't feel anything, doesn't think it will come back. So I tell him how I feel, how I love him, he says thats all well and good but that's not how he feels and he just doesn't know what to do. He read a book saying that maybe a seperation would be good that sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. So I tell him maybe that what we need to do because I can't keep this up for ever, I'm going crazy. Then he starts bring up things that happened years ago... like 4 years ago when I wasn't able to pick him up at the airport, I was about an hour late, but I had called him to let him know. I know it happened a couple times that I was late, but I had always called him to let him now. Yet, now he's pissed off and telling me that by doing that I made him feel like I didn't love him... so now it's all my fault? oMG.... really? he's bringing this kind of S@#T up now? Every little thing that I've done in the past, he's going to start bring up and blaming me for this marriage falling apart? Wow... I just don't know how to proceed at this point. he's so far gone that I don't even know how to reach him. He said that the sex is only about 5% of the overall picture. Then he starts talking about when was the last time we laughed... let's see, that would be Saturday night and before then Thursday, when's the last time we slept together.... hum... well, we're not because he doesn't want to. I told him that I want to sleep together again, and he says it's better that we don't. Then, when's the last time we said I love you... let's see... it's been about a mont for him and it's been maybe a week for me, because it's difficult to say when he's preventing me from doing it. Wow, so he's preventing everything, doesn't want me to take him to the airport tomorrow morning... Yet not ready to move out yet. Told me that he's going to IC on Saturday... so what does tha mean? To wait until Sat? When he's telling me all this stuff, I can just see the anger coming through, the resentment... and when I try to say something to tell him how I feel, he just doesn't want to listen, he almost starts laughing like I'm making fun of it all... he just doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I'm so upset and hurt. I thought we were making sometype of headway, but it seems like another set back. Like he's now bringing up everything, every little hurt from the past to excuse away his affair. He says that's not what he's doing, but I'm thinking he's trying to make sense of why he had an affair. And actually, when do we just call it good? I know PKN and others have said, give it 6 months, but really? 6 months of this crap and then what, what if he doesn't get that "feeling" back... he so feels that it's never going to come back, and he doesn't want to work toward any type of reconnection, doesn't want MC, doesn't want to go on a retreat... nothing... yet he asks me how to get that feeling of love back. I actually think its really not gone, its just in hiding. He's now packed and gone into hiding in his room. I feel like every time we make a connection, a couple days later he retreats and does/says something to make it worse... on purpose. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I need to vent. Wow, was I really that awful of a wife? I just can't believe that I was that awful. He also told me that I needed to work on myself that I also wasn't happy. Well, I know that... I wasn't happy with myself, but I was happy with my husband. Also, when do I, in his eyes change from a loving wife to a pathetic needy wife, who he just can't stand any longer, making him want to run away. You know, keep hearing that men want a strong woman, something I've always been, now I'm ripping my heart out and laying it at his feet and its still not good enough for him. Did I are did he have the affair? And yes, I realize that each day that I go through this and every day that he doesn't do something in return causes me to give up a little bit more. BTW... as I was writing this, I actually got up and went to his room, to let him know why I haven't been saying I love you on a daily basis.... because I felt like it made him uncomfortable... but forget him... if I want to say it from now on, I think I will, at least I'll feel better, screw him and his uncomfortable feelings of guilt. Then I told him he's welcome to come back to our bed whenever he wants to. (see how things change... just a couple days ago he was saying he's sleeping downstairs because he's able to sleep, but all I had to do was ask him to come back an he would.) Okay... I'm writing a book after all this is over. If nothing else, it will be great material :-) I'll change all names to protect the innocent. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Molly the affair did not cause what you are seeing now, the issues you have had for a long time are. He is re-evaluating everything along with dealing with the end of the affair. Yes this is all NOT fair to you, but it is what it is. I do wish I had something magical I could tell you. But what you are dealing with now is more of the BS world. I can tell you though if you can hold out it all could change. I did go from figuring out how to divorce to figuring out how to stay (on my terms). But it took time. You do need to stay strong and not become needy though. He does need someone that is willing to lead. That is an UNFAIR deal for you but again it is what it is. My MC does not agree with the separation idea, so I have no input there. But I assume that is something very iffy to try. Contact your counsler see what they say. I did a lot that also to get where I am now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Hi PKN, yes I am realizing that everything he's bringing up, he's re-evaluating all the little issues, something that I feel every couple has, but now it's all coming back front and center. Goodness, I should start doing the same thing. I wonder if it will ever happen that he starts evaluation all the good things that I did for him, all the things that I did to keep us happy, to keep him happy. I'm on the fence about the sep idea. For me, I feel it would make it much easier on me because I wouldn't have to think about him any longer on a daily basis, he wouldn't be around to keep me upset. I feel like I could move on. I don't see seperation a a way to bring couples make together again... I see it as a way to end a relationship. But, others, who have gone through this feel that its away to bring the person back, because he/she has to be away from you in order to realize how much they really need and love you. Stay strong... can you please remind me to do that on a daily basis? Strength used to not be an issue, but lately... well it's a bit trying because I'm also working on keeping myself above water. So, stay the course... for now, at least for the rest of this week. I'm going to look at this as a weekly things, one week at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 He is rationalising the whole thing. He's trying to understand why he's had an affair. And you are suffocating him. I know your situation is unbearable, but give him space. Separation? Maybe. You want to come to a conclusion, you want him to make his mind up. Just allow him to do so... Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Your husband is doing what a state highway patrol officer does after an accident. He's reconstructing the past, figuring out what happened that led up to the affair. Alot of BS like to call this justifying or rationalizing. But I don't. It's just retracing steps..figuring out how he got from point A to point B..figuring out how and why and when he made that wrong turn. Your husband is focusing all of his energy on the past right now. He's focusing on what HE PERCEIVED were things that were missing from his life..needs that HE FEELS he was missing at the time...the "I love yous," the laughter, the "being there for you." But does any of this come as a surprise to you, Molley? What he is telling you is that he FELT the disconnect between the two of you. Isn't that what he is really saying to you. And wouldn't you say the same thing right back to him..Yes, I felt it, too!!! If he wants to focus on the past, let him for awhile. But, PLEASE join him. Some very constructive conversation can come of it all if you both can avoid pointing fingers. Remind him that you both are, and were, in the same boat back then. A time will come to focus on the future, but he's not ready yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Yes, I do realize that I'm smothering him and it's driving me crazy that I'm acting this way. I do need to step back and let him think back, let him go through it all and I believe I need to do the same thing. After our converstation last night and telling me that he was going to take his own car to the airport, he asked this morning if I would drive him. We talked in the car, mostly about his work because I've been asking him more about what's going on. I always have liked to hear about how things are going with his work... Then once we got to our destination, he gave me a sad face, told me the time he's returning on Fri. After I had told him to "be careful, have fun..." he said, "it's not that I don't love you, I'm just confused." And then went to get his bag out of the back of the car. Said bye to me and was gone. After a sleepless night of playing back my last few years of life... I'm ready for some quiet time for my brain. Getting a massage today and then I plan to not do much of anything, veg and continue looking for a job. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 sounds like a good plan... Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Wow, when I read your posts here, Molley and some of the responses from taylor and pkn it makes me look back on my situation last year with some different perspectives. I think you are getting some very good advice from these posters (WS) who can give you their perspective on what is going on with your husband. I wish I had been able to find similar input when I was going through my situation. I was walking blindly through it. Believe it our not, reading your posts and others' reponses actually helps ME put some things in perspective in my own marriage. No two situations are the same obviously, but what taylor and pkn are telling you is probably very accurate. Funny thing is, a lot of it is similar to what my husband told me during his "off the deep end" time and later in recovery. I think the "blame game" your husband is doing right now is his way of making sense of his disconnect/distance from you and his subsequent affair. My husband did the same thing and at the time I couldn't figure out why he was bringing up obscure events from years ago. I think taylor has good advice where you should sit back and look at the past in as a neutral of way as possible. There is no way that you are all to blame for things that happened. If you and your husband can revisit the past without pointing fingers, it might be helpful for both of you to figure out where your marriage went wrong. I know it's painful but a necessary step. I can't/won't advise you about the separation idea. I simply don't know what is best for your situation. All I can suggest is that if your husband does decide to separate, let him know that you would still like to save your marriage (if you do indeed want to do this) and that you love him. Take care of yourself Molley and keep busy while your husband is gone so that you won't have too much time to think. Continue to post here as you feel the need--even if just to vent. I still maintain that there is hope for your marriage. I know it feels like you and your H took a huge step backward last night but it could be that your H is finally facing some of his issues-not to put all the blame on him-but he has to figure out what is going on with him first. This is probably very difficult for him to do-to look at himself that way because he probably feels terribly guilty and loathes himself for what he did. I'm glad you were able to drive him the airport. I think that is a good sign that he is trying to stay connected to you in little ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molley Posted May 6, 2009 Author Share Posted May 6, 2009 Hi, I actually spent the whole day away from the house, just got back in and feel a bit lost. House is empty, but I always felt a bit lost the first night my H is away on a business trip. Of course, he didn't call to tell me he got in ok... but it is what it is. Spent the day having a massage then went with one of my best friends to help her clean out her moms place since she's being transffered to an assisted living facility. Boy that was difficult for me to maneuver through. For one, I was fighting my anxiety problems and then to see this single elderly woman having to decide what to take with her what to leave behind was heart breaking and not a good thing for me to deal with right now. At least it was a good day to not have to work my business and not have to be at home. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Molley, Not much to say today except hope you are having a good day. And I hope soon a job will come through for you to keep you busy and give you an outlet away from what's happening at home. It would have been nice if your husband had at least called and let you know he got in OK. It would have been a nice gesture that wouldn't have taken much effort, but would have meant alot to you. I hope he uses his time away as a break to clear his head a little. He is still very much in a fog. That's all..just thinkin' of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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