Been in an LDR for 2+ years... Now I need help.

[Cyrus]

Hi, I hope someone has the time to read this.

 

My name's Cyrus, I'm 17 years old and I live in Southern AZ, about two years ago I met a girl on the Internet named Alex (she's my age) and she lives in Chicago IL. We became very good friends as we talked on the 'net, we discovered we got along very well and had a nice relationship. We'd always find time to talk to each other almost every night.

Our feelings gradually grew... After a few months we were close friends...And then quite surprisingly she began calling me her boyfriend... One of the interesting things about meeting people on the Internet is that people are often attracted to each other based on personality and how good a person is instead of pretentious things like what kind of car you drive etc etc.

Of course, a big problem is that she lives a thousand miles away Though we were always so happy talking to each other it's like we never even thought about the distance. She's always the type of person who picks her friends (or boyfriends) wisely, only trusting to stay with someone she knew she'd be happy with.

After we knew each other about six months, we found out her friend Shane had relatives in Arizona and was going to visit them soon! So in August '02 she took a two-week vacation in Phoenix where we could finally meet each other... It went very well, we had some of the best times of our lives infact.

After she returned to Chicago I think is when the pains of a long distance relationship at a young age began to dawn on us.

Talking to her on the 'Net and the phone had lost some of its meaning after we discovered what we were missing out on by being apart. The conundrum was we're too young to be together, and our families would often get on our cases for even carrying on a long distance romance, because being young attractive teenagers we should be out dating a million different people instead of staying faithful to someone you can't even touch.

The fact we stayed together through all this shows how much we really love each other.

We continued talking to each other even though we both have our own lives... She's 16 and a waitress at her dads restaurant... And i'm a stay-at-home student (homeschool) a year passes, we're still talking to each other happily. She turns 17 and my parents finally agree to take me up to Chicago.

We stay there for a whole week, our families meet and surprisingly get along (we're scots and they're greeks) , and it was a wonderful trip. We were so happy to be together again in-person, but everyday that passed was like a clock ticking down to a grim deadline. We didn't want to be apart again after such a long absence, but we had no choice... She would tearily and half-sincerely ask me if I could move in with her, which we both knew is impossible.

So, I return to Az, and we go back to our mundane lives. And it seems, not unlike when we met in Phoenix, the conundrum had returned. As much as we love each other and as strong as our bonds are, we can't shake the thought: Is the pain of our distance worth it? I know she's a young woman and she's interested in other guys. A guy recently moved in nextdoor who goes to her English class and he seems to like her, and she goes to his house a lot now. And her family tells her such sensitive things like "Dump that kid who lives far away, and go for that dude nextdoor!" etc..

 

You see, I don't want to cause her pain, and I want her to have her freedom, I told her in the past that she could see other guys and i'd understand (because of the distance and all). She told me she'd never do that, but tonight I brought it up again and she said she thought about it a lot which kind of surprised me, now since this other guy has moved in nextdoor she doesn't seem to object to the idea of basically finding a new boyfriend. As much as I want to be there for her, not being around physically seems to be turning into a factor, the distance between us already made her very depressed in the past and I don't want that to happen again. But I love her so much, and if she starts seeing other guys and we break apart that could possibly make the pain so much worse.

 

So here's my situation:

 

If me and Alex stay together, we'll have to wait another year or longer before she goes to College and moves away from home (only then can we have freedom to be together and visit as much as we like.) until then we can probably visit each other 3-4 more times (since my family is finally comfortable with us to take trips to see each other.) However, just how much more time can we endure away from each other? I can sense she's eager to have a boyfriend who lives close to her, and her family always pressures her to just dump me. (She has a strong will, but still.)

 

On the flipside, if we decide to start officially dating different people, it might satisfy our selfish desires but it will make our long lasting communication suddenly grow very awkward and tense and easily tinged with jealousy, we'll probably stop talking to each other and this will lead us on a road to severe heartbreak, maybe including never seeing each other again.

 

In an ideal situation, we could always remain close friends, and she could see other people until we have the freedom to visit each other all the time at which point we could once again become boyfriend/girlfriend, but this sounds like a fantasy to me. If she started dating other people, she'll probably be hooked into another relationship and we'll be forced to just be friends and likely visits will be haulted because whomever her new boyfriend is probably wouldn't appreciate her ex travelling across country to see her.

And that would be especially difficult if she's fallen in love with him.

 

Before I wrap this up, I know we're still very young, I know there's "plenty of fish in the sea" and i'm too young to be in such a serious relationship. This all might be true, but it doesn't change the situation at all. I just need to know how to resolve this without serious heartbreak. One of the hardest things is feeling like you have to break up with someone who you truely love.

 

I read a lot about LDR's never ever working out and that scares me, we've made it this far and we are so perfect for each other. I don't want this to turn sour... I don't know what to do.

 

Thanks for reading all this.

-Cyrus

[Reckless]

No matter what your age, long distant relationships are hell. They're worse than hell their like dying and going to hell and then coming back to do it all over again. 'Long term' long distant relationships often just break apart under the mental and emotional strain.

 

That being the case, no one in their right mind should willingly undertake one without a short term plan of being physically together as soon as possible. You are finding out all on your own why - because the human heart (and body) being what it is you NEED to be together. You sound like a very sensible articulate and intelligent young man, so just looking at it logically, surely you see that you cannot take your relative youth out of the equation. Even if you were 'meant to be together' do you not see you are doing yourselves a disservice in spending years, where you should be out gaining life experiences, learning about the mechanics of 'real' life and love in a long distance relationship that will teach you nothing but how to pay massive phone bills and fall asleep at your computer.

 

 

I'm not trying to put you down, but you have both been tied up with each other since a very young age, somewhere down the line one or both of you are going to snap under the strain. What to do? Why don't you both simply give yourselves a break. Don't let your girl feel obliged to lie or hang on desperately and spoil a good friendship. First love is the sweetest of all, honor it by knowing when to end. Wind down the communication, stay friends, free yourselves to go out and learn a little more about life and love and leave the door open to meet up further down the line, maybe after college. Let yourselves cherish the time you've had but save yourselves the years of emotional, physical and mental anguish you would be faced with otherwise.

 

It would be torture for to hear her talk about a new boyfriend, so don't even think about putting yourself through that - just 'part' with a promise to compare notes further down the road when you are mature adults with a bit of life experience and a good education under your belts. You might outgrow each other or you might find that you 'belong together' and be in a position to arrange your lives to be together then but let life show you which choice is best.

 

A mutual break hurts like hell. And if you've been communicating daily it will feel like there's nothing left, but if you agree it won't be forever and stay friends, the pain will go eventually and who knows what the future holds. She might just be her after all.

 

Don't be sad

R.

[DJ-TK]

Hi !

 

First of all... You can never be too young for a serious, committing relationship...

Me and my girl were friends for a year, and then I moved 6000 miles away... It's been a year and a half we're in LDR and I'm only 17 (and a half..)! We have a VERY strong relationship... We are absolutely devoted and faithful to each other and if you ask me, I can say we would probably end up marry wach other...

 

When you know something is good and real you should hold it. I can understand your tough situation: You love her, and want her to live !! You want her to be happy and it's tearing you apart because you feel that you are letting go your happiness for hers (which is very important for you..).

 

I think you should let her do whatever she feels is right. I think she wants to satisfy her curiousity and nothing more. Her hormones and desires bothering her and if she could do something with that for a short time, she will get it out of her system...

 

I got the feeling you are a very special couple - soul mates in a way. I got the impression that she feels the same way as you do, and so, if you'll be patient, she will be waiting for you. You're gonna end up this LDR in 8 months (man, I have 6 left...) and so I guess it does worth the pain... It's worth for me anyway...

 

I guess it can be a real bummer with this next-door guy, but if you'll ask me, it is nothing more than short-term desires and curiousity....

 

Hope you will work it out and that time would fly by... Update the thread so we could see what had happened (if you feel like it...)

[Arabess]

Regardless of age or distance....ANY relationship can get to a point where one person wants to check out some other options before making a final commitment. All you can do is give her some space and see where time takes you. It'll hurt and you'll miss her....but in the end.....you'll either know you were meant to be together or you weren't.

[DJ-TK]

Arabess is right...

Her space is not really your choice... If you wanna feel you nade the right decision and that se wants to be with you just 'cause she loves you (and regardless to her being committed), you should give her her space and hope for the best...