Divorce and Adolescents

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by Question

This is not a valid camparison. I am referring to moms and dads, not moms and stepdads or dads and stepmoms. Kids are often quite happy to see a "step" marriage end. Kids in a step marriage, having already seen one marriage end (except in cases of death), are far more tuned to relationship issues, which is why they may seem more intuitive. Sort of the way you never quite get back the innocence you had before your heart was broken the first time.

 

I don't know how this has turned in to a debate between the two of us, but I will try to address your response. I believe it IS a valid comparison. My biological father was not in the picture when I was a teenager, my parents (as I referred to them) were married for ten years. I called my stepdad "dad." To me, it was my "family." I don't see your logic, honestly. I guess I'll agree to disagree with you on that point. To me, a family is a family and divorce is divorce. As adults I feel it is our responsibility to show our kids happy, healthy realtionships and to provide a home that fosters that. When/if it becomes unhealthy, unpleasant and tense it's not an environment that kids belong in.

 

And, in any case, what you've overlooked is my statement that, as the adult, it is up to Bark to make the situation workable, or at least to work at it. The burden should not rest on his kids. He has not even gotten counseling, for goodness sake. He has just decided -- on the heels of an affair -- that he is not fulfilled and therefore is leaving. I don't think that's showing much respect to or love for any of the parties.

 

I somewhat agree with you here. I'm one of the ones also advocating counseling. I do believe divorce is a last resort, trust me. I think Bark is struggling within himself as to the right thing to do here. He obviously does not want to hurt his kids. But at the same time, he feels that he deserves to be happy. Sure, it's his responsibility to make that happen, not his kids'. But my point was that if he's sure it's just never going to happen in this marriage, maybe he does have an obligation to himself (and the kids) to get out of the marriage and into a life that WILL make him happy. I think kids with happy parents are going to naturally be more happy. But that's just my opinion.

 

"Aren't you teaching your kids to settle in life rather than doing your best to be happy? Aren't you teaching them that normal relationships do not include affection and love and intimacy? Isn't it your job to show them what a HEALTY relationship is rather than an unhealthy one?"

 

Huh? My relationship with my husband is just fine. Or do you mean the generic "you"? In that case, I'd say that there is no one "right" way to have a relationship. Some couples are very affectionate in front of their kids; others are not. I don't think either model harms kids or prevents them from forming loving and intimate relationships of their own. And I think that seeing parents stick it out over a rough stretch is an excellent model for what marriage is meant to be.

 

Yes, I was using the generic "you" meaning any parent. More specifically, Bark. I don't think we can possibly presume to know exactly what Bark's marriage or home situation is like from the little he's posted. I just meant that generally, if someone is unhappy, it's going to show and the kids are going to pick up on it. He has said he's unhappy. Has he done everything to try to remedy the situation? I don't know. Only he can know that.

 

What I find interesting here is that on another thread on this forum currently there is a man who found out that his wife has been cheating on him, but he wants to work it out, etc. And virtually all of the responding posters have blatantly said he should "dump her ass," "kick her to the curb," etc. Yet here is a man who admittedly had an affair because he was unhappy in his marriage. The affair ended. He tried to resolve his issues with his wife and move on, but the feelings are just not there and he's thinking of divorcing her, and now we have people condemning him for wanting a divorce. If it was his wife posting instead of him, I think people would be all for this divorce. Very interesting.

[Question]

Originally posted by cindy0039

 

 

What I find interesting here is that on another thread on this forum currently there is a man who found out that his wife has been cheating on him, but he wants to work it out, etc. And virtually all of the responding posters have blatantly said he should "dump her ass," "kick her to the curb," etc. Yet here is a man who admittedly had an affair because he was unhappy in his marriage. The affair ended. He tried to resolve his issues with his wife and move on, but the feelings are just not there and he's thinking of divorcing her, and now we have people condemning him for wanting a divorce. If it was his wife posting instead of him, I think people would be all for this divorce. Very interesting.

 

I am missing the analogy. Bark is the one who has been unfaithful, not his wife. If you are suggesting that my advice to her (assuming she found out about the affair, which it is my understanding that she has not) would be different, you are possibly right. I think infidelity is a huge violation... I am not sure any spouse who has been betrayed this way can ever fully regain trust. But that's not the situation here, is it? My sense, and I am well aware that I don't have the full picture of Bark's marriage, is that Bark is feeling some ennui. The spark is gone, he's not happy, etc. Some of this may be the "come down" from his affair, which is bound to be exciting if for no other reason than that it is illicit. Some of this may be a natural stage for a marriage. It's a rare marriage that doesn't go through periods of boredom (or even unhappiness). The problem for me is that I am not hearing that there is anything wrong, per se, except that he is bored. My mother would have said, only boring people are bored. Sigh. Ok, no homilies from my mom. The question is: Is being bored a valid reason for a divorce? Does Bark (or anyone else) have a responsibility to do everything he can before walking away? Why won't he consider counseling? Is the woman from the affair waiting in the wings (or otherwise still available)? I guess I feel that Bark's boredom is less important than all the emotions and scars his wife and kids will bear as a result of his decision.

 

P.S. I am in no way suggesting that every marriage can or should stay together nor that there are not cases where everyone (kids included) are better off that a divorce occur. I just don't see, based on what we've been told here, that Bark's marriage fits into that category. He sounds more like a kid who has just gone to a friend's house and played with new and exciting toys and then comes home to announce to his parents, "It's boring here. I hate all my toys."

 

But it is fine to agree to disagree <smile>.