OMG! This Girl is Frying My Brain!

[Jack of Hearts]

Okay, ladies and gents I need some advice or at least piece of mind about what might be going on here. This girl is the single most confusing woman I have ever met and hopefully some outside perspective can offer insight. Without retelling my whole story (it's on another post) I will give you all the quick and easy, followed by my questions / concerns. Any suggestions are appreciated. Okay, here we go:

 

I like this girl. (I'll bet you didn't see that coming)

We met through mutual friends a little over a year ago.

She became best friends with my best friend.

So we were around each other more often, and I started liking her.

She knows I like her. So:

 

When we're together sober we are: Cordial, friendly, a little flirty.

 

When we're together not sober we are: All over each other, making out, hugging, kissing, hand holding, and flirting like there's no tomorrow.

 

The next day after said episodes we are: Cordial, friendly, a little flirty.

 

We have regular communication during the week through email and minimal phone contact unless is to arrange or confirm plans.

 

So I'm trying to figure out if this girl is interested, if so, in what? Is she attracted to me? Am I just a friend? Am I more?, etc. Here's what I see:

 

Signs she interested:

Every single positive body language interpretation I have ever seen, read or come across is there and very blatant.

 

Heavy flirting / body contact (see above)

 

 

Some of her comments: "We would totally have great sex" (has yet to happen), "He (me) is much more attractive than him" (regarding comments made by people saying I look like so and so) and other complimentary statements.

 

Things she has NOT said: "Let's just be friends" (or any other variation of "friends", except for once in the beginning, hence my confusion). "You're like a brother to me" "You're such a nice guy", etc.

 

She will not mention any other guys she may be seeing if I'm around and if I mention another girl, she appears irritated.

 

Signs she not interested:

She never wants to talk about "us" (except twice when she was way too hammered to carry the convo).

She doesn't mention me to our friends to either convey or dismiss interest.

She avoids all seriousness in her life, so any discussion, especially about "us" is vehemently avoided.

We really don't talk much about anything substantial.

 

Some of her comments: "Why do you like me?", "You don't want to date me" (I never mentioned dating her when she said this)

 

So, I am still unable to figure my situation out. Our friends see the weirdness, as do I, but she doesn't. So my questions are:

 

Does this sound like a girl who is interested in me, in some way?

 

Does this sound like how a "friend" would act towards a guy friend?

 

Should I gently refuse her future advances?

 

Should I accept her future advances and just go with the flow?

 

Should I try to talk to her about whats going on between us?

 

Why does she avoid the conversation, unless she's had a few?

 

Why doesn't she refuse my advances and make herself clear?

 

Is she waiting to see where things go? If so, why not let me know?

 

Should I just not care and enjoy myself? (Halfway rhetorical)

 

Is this normal and am I the crazy one?

 

How should I proceed with this?

 

I really don't care where I stand with her, whether its a friend, FWB, potential boyfriend or an exclusive love interest, but I have no clue where I'm at with her and its driving me nuts.

 

I'm going to have plenty of opportunities to be around her, so its not like I need a one-shot make-or-break answer. But any suggestions, interpretations or words of wisdom will be helpful. Thanks.

[Trialbyfire]

Just cut through all the confusing static. Ask her out. If she refuses, write her off. And yes, I'm a woman suggesting this!

[Jack of Hearts]

I've asked her out. We had a great time. Same story.

[Trialbyfire]

Then ask her out again! You don't get close to someone by making out in drunk sessions.

 

Are you looking for her to chase you?

[Jack of Hearts]

We do have some "unofficial" plans to do this and that together (just us), but because she is best friends with my best friend, we are usually in a group of three or four. And whether we are on our own or with a group, it always proceeds the same way; make out sessions followed by an uncanny ability to not bring it up

 

And no, I am not trying to get her to chase me. However, a little clue from her would be great.

[xenonsrt10]

oh man. this is way more intense of a situation that i'm experiencing. and it makes my head want to spin! what is up with this girl? i trying to figure out if she is for real wanting a relationship with you or just a FWB. hmm.....

[WTRanger]

No, her actions are clearly not normal. But, she could be in just a abnormal stage in her life where she just wants to keep all options open. Hence, the refusal to commit either way to you and refusing to make any sort of progress. I can almost guarantee you that she thinks she is doing no wrong. Which is why if you flip out on her, she'll peg you as some manipulative ego-centric jerkoff. In her mind, she's completely living a normal social life.

 

Asking her out is good gauge if she wants to spend solo time with you, but a few women I've known have a unlimited database of excuses why a date isn't a "date." Such as if I pick her up before 6pm and if this is before the summer solstice and if she gets out of the car with her left foot then it technically wasn't a real date. She seems like she would pull that sort of excuse pool out if you pushed the issue.

 

Honestly, what do you want to do? Do you want to keep putting yourself through this or do you want to move on? Think deep about this, where do you want to see her in your life? At some point, you have to make a concrete decision where YOU want to see her. Once you make up your mind, proceed accordingly and act accordingly based on her reactions. You've got to figure out if you want to continue to get your brain melted by this girl. If you don't mind it, then go ahead. Have a blast while it lasts, enjoy the make-out sessions and just live life to the fullest. But if you grow tired of always wondering, then you have got to step away.

 

Though, she probably won't let you confront her on the subject. She'll run away faster than you can even think to chase after her. If she continues to run, let her go. Let her figure things out and that could take a while. You don't have to stop seeing her, but I'd suggest somehow figuring out a way to be around her sober as much as possible. It seems as if our good friend alcohol has become an enemy.

[Trialbyfire]

It's kind of interesting reading up about this girl. Her tactics remind me of male PUA tactics.

• A little distance.
  
• A little interest.
  
• Then a little distance.
  
• Then a little interest.
  
• No serious discussion.
  
• A little mystery.
  

Keeps you off-balance, doesn't it?

[Jack of Hearts]

It's funny that you mention that, she was a tomboy when she was a kid! But, no, in many ways she thinks like a guy, but to look at her you would never know, ha!

[RecordProducer]

I don't really see that she is so inconsistent. I think there are only two possibilities here:

 

1. She just seems very shy and uptight when she is sober. On the other hand, I don't quite understand your post. When you asked her out, she agreed and you did go out, right? And she was just cordial, but then she got buzzed and was all over you? What if you start kissing her and hugging her while she's still sober? How does she respond to that? Maybe she needs a relationship (other than booze) in order to relax completely.

 

2. She is not fully into you, but when she drinks, her brakes stop working and she's having some wild fun. She might also be into you physically, but not take you seriously, e.g. because she believes you're not the right guy for her for some reason.

[boldjack]

I think Record producer might have something here. More info is needed. Is this girl a virgin? Is she(when sober) religeous? These things could explain some of her actions. If she is a virgin and religeous, that would explain her being non-committal, when sober, and why she is more outgoing (understatement) when tanked.

[Jack of Hearts]

I don't really see that she is so inconsistent.

 

Oh no, she's not inconsistent, just confusing

 

1. She just seems very shy and uptight when she is sober. On the other hand, I don't quite understand your post. When you asked her out, she agreed and you did go out, right? And she was just cordial, but then she got buzzed and was all over you? What if you start kissing her and hugging her while she's still sober? How does she respond to that?

 

Actually, she's not very shy or uptight when she's sober. She's very bubbly and pleasant to be around. When we went out on our own we went to a bar, so yeah after a little while we fell into our usual routine. When we're sober hugs and cheek kisses are very normal for us, but not much of anything else.

 

2. She is not fully into you, but when she drinks, her brakes stop working and she's having some wild fun. She might also be into you physically, but not take you seriously, e.g. because she believes you're not the right guy for her for some reason.

 

You could be very right on either point and frankly, I wouldn't really care, but she won't come out and say (or tell anybody for that matter) otherwise.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how I should handle this. Should I hit the gas and take a chance, should I hit the brakes and walk away, or should I coast and see where I end up. Sorry for the car metaphors, but you get the idea

[Jack of Hearts]

I think Record producer might have something here. More info is needed. Is this girl a virgin? Is she(when sober) religeous? These things could explain some of her actions. If she is a virgin and religeous, that would explain her being non-committal, when sober, and why she is more outgoing (understatement) when tanked.

 

Boldjack, great questions. And NO, she is not a virgin and she is nowhere anywhere near religious. She's as experienced and secure with her sexuality as any other woman in her mid-twenties.

[RecordProducer]

Oh no, she's not inconsistent, just confusing

Confusion does arise from situations that appear inconsistent.

 

When we went out on our own we went to a bar, so yeah after a little while we fell into our usual routine.

What kind of a man takes a women to a bar on a date? Take her to dinner, even if it's the local diner or McDonald's, for that matter. The take a walk downtowa or in a park or go to an amusement park or to some event or a museum or something decent. Somewhere where she can't drink. But it seems like you want to get her drunk every time. By doing that you're just pouring sand in your own eyes.

 

When we're sober hugs and cheek kisses are very normal for us, but not much of anything else.

What do you mean cheek kisses? Do you go to kiss her on the lips and she turns her cheek toward you? Have you tried anything when she' sober? How does she respond?

It seems to me that there's more thna one person in this story that needs booze to relax!

 

 

I wouldn't really care, but she won't come out and say (or tell anybody for that matter) otherwise.

What do you really care about? Her or just sex with her?

[Jack of Hearts]

What kind of a man takes a women to a bar on a date? Take her to dinner, even if it's the local diner or McDonald's, for that matter. The take a walk downtowa or in a park or go to an amusement park or to some event or a museum or something decent. Somewhere where she can't drink. But it seems like you want to get her drunk every time. By doing that you're just pouring sand in your own eyes.

 

Whoa, I just invited her out for drinks. We never called it a date. I have no agenda here and believe me, I would love nothing more than to walk in the park, go to art shows and watch the sunset. But at the time, she was more comfortable going out for drinks. And I don't want her drunk all of the time, I would actually like to spend more time getting to know her outside of the nightlife.

 

What do you mean cheek kisses? Do you go to kiss her on the lips and she turns her cheek toward you? Have you tried anything when she' sober? How does she respond?

It seems to me that there's more than one person in this story that needs booze to relax!

 

Cheek kisses means just that, kisses on one or both of the cheeks. When we greet each other or leave each other it's usually by a hug and a kiss on the cheek. As simple as that and no, I haven't really tried anything sober because most of the time the situation would be inappropriate.

 

What do you really care about? Her or just sex with her?

 

I care about her and I enjoy her company. Sex or no sex, it doesn't really matter to me because I'm always happier when she's around (sober or not) and I enjoy spending time with her. To me sex is an experience to be shared, not gained.

 

My own motives set aside, I'm just wondering if she is worth my energy to pursue or not given our history so far, hence this enlightening conversation on this forum.

[RecordProducer]

I'm just wondering if she is worth my energy to pursue or not given our history so far, hence this enlightening conversation on this forum.

Talk to her about it honestly. Some people become completely different when they are drunk. Does she remember how she acted while drunk? Does her behavior change as soon as she is buzzed or when she gets totally wasted?

[The Collector]

Have you tried to have sex with her? If not, why not? Your lack of sexual leading may be the reason she isn't sure about you. If you are not giving off the vibe that the two of you would have great sex she probably doesn't want to take things further.

[boxing123]

I did this before myself. I had a friend I would go out with, and when we consumed alcohol I would kiss her. She was fun, a good friend etc, but I was not very interested in her. The alcohol in a way made her look better.

 

I am guessing women do the same thing at times. I doubt she is shy, etc. Perhaps she enjoys the attention. If a woman wants to date you they usually bring that talk up pretty quickly, and no chasing is involved.

[Jack of Hearts]

RecordProducer: I have tried to bring up talking to her about it, but she avoids it like the plague. From what I see, she avoids any and all emotional stuff. As soon as emotions or feelings are brought up, she shuts down. I'm not sure if she wants to avoid addressing any feelings she may have or doesn't want to hear how I feel, but its a battle never the less. As for her behavior it doesn't really change much when she's been drinking, mostly the increased physical interaction between us. There are a few times when she wouldn't remember what happens, but I know she remembers when we've been together becasue my buddies will bust her balls for it and she'll just throw on a shy grin and look down.

 

The Collector: Yes, I have tried once a few months ago. Things were getting hot and heavy and she decided to stop. Since then I have been trying to get her more comfortable around me and not pursuing anything overtly sexual.

 

Boxing123: You may be right. I know she enjoys the attention, who doesn't. In the begining I figured she did this with a lot of guys, but I later found out from her very good friend that although she seems to have no rhyme or reason for what she does or who she does it with she is actually very particular, and she assured me that if she's all over you it's because she wants to be.

[The Collector]

The Collector: Yes, I have tried once a few months ago. Things were getting hot and heavy and she decided to stop. Since then I have been trying to get her more comfortable around me and not pursuing anything overtly sexual.

 

Sometimes a woman will say no for all kinds of reasons. You're supposed to try again. If she says no again, move on.

[Jack of Hearts]

Sometimes a woman will say no for all kinds of reasons. You're supposed to try again. If she says no again, move on.

 

I understand where you're coming from, but I have found that if I approach a possible relationship with an agenda and "try" anything, it usually doesn't happen, but if I have no expectations, then the result usually ends up favorable. Granted, I can still kick up the intimacy factor of our interactions, but there's a fine line between Casanova and Pepe Le Pew

[WTRanger]

It sounds like you have an addiction to this girl. When the two of you are drunk, she makes you feel really good by being your drunk buddy. Just like a drug, you enjoy the high so to speak. I don't blame you either. Going out and having a good time and knowing that you can at least have someone to cuddle with at the end of the night can be a good feeling. Who wouldn't want someone to cuddle with? For a period of time it feels great. Then reality kicks in and you sober up.

 

But as with a drug, eventually the constant highs and crashes become too much for you. Instead of taxing your system in a physical sense, this drug is taxing you mentally. You have got to detox yourself from her until she can figure out what she wants and you need to figure out what you want as well.

 

As with any drug, it is usually rooted in your social circle as this girl is. Which makes it ten times harder to give up. So I feel for you on this one.

[Jack of Hearts]

I hear ya, and I see where you're coming from. As the late great Rick James would say "She's a hellova drug." We're going out this weekend again. I wonder whats gonna happen? Hmmmm. I can take a wild guess, but I'll be sure to keep you updated.

[WTRanger]

Drugs are easier to detox from too. They don't have rehab centers in Malibu for people trying to get away from extremely confusing guys/girls.

[Jack of Hearts]

No, but they do have them in Japan. They're called whore houses, haha!