It's all over

[KismetGirl]

Don't know what else to say. He came here early this morning. Same thing, deja vu, that we've gone through before except this time I was able to not burst into tears. He said "this time" he really meant it, he didn't know why, but something hit him over the weekend. That it was likely because he saw how his son's birthday party was not as good as it could have been because of the tension between him and his wife, and it made him think about how he could ruin so much more for his kids if he kept up with this A and he kept getting caught, and that he hated dissapointing his wife like this the way she lookd at him when she caught him in a lie, and that he wasn't a bad person and had been so guilt-wracked and selfish, and didn't know why he did what he did.

 

As usual, (and the fact that I slept four hours last night and he came while I was still sleeping so I was "waking up" while talking to him) I forgot most of everything I had replayed over and over in my mind saying. I didn't want to make him feel bad, I wanted to try to just say what I needed to say neutrally but I couldnt help but throw out things like "ok, so basically, i was available to you for four years, so basically i was a free prostitute". He'd get mad when I said things like that, and just sit there. I didnt want to say things like that because i know him by now and know this sort of talk pushes him away but it doesnt even matter anymore. i am hurt. I tried to tell him ive been hurt over the years but i dont think it came out right.

 

But it doesnt matter. It happened just like i told everyone. He ended it. He said it was for real this time, that he loves his wife and his family and doesn't envision himself in any other "situation" than theirs. That he can't think that anything was missing in particular, but that he was just being a selfish pr**k for four years.

 

Since I was feeling miserable and couldnt think of what I wanted to say properly I did what I swore to myself I wouldn't do- I made attempt to seduce him, in a manner of speaking, and he didn't give in. Kissed me several times, hugged me, and said he couldn't and he had to go.

 

So here I am. Alone. I want to cry but I feel so herrendous Im almost numb. Maybe it hasn't really hit me yet. To say Im heartbroken is not even remotely close to how I feel.....feel crushed and worthless and pathetic and stupid for believing this man had any feelings for me after four years of this. In reality he had no idea why he did what he did, the only person's feelings who he really considered were his wife's, and when I thought things we did were unique to OUR relationship (eg- taking naughty pictures and etc), apparently he got the ideas I gave him in the bedroom, and took it home to his wife and did them with her too. When I asked for the password to the "secret" email account as I was curious which pictures of me he has in there, he woldnt give it to me, and now I know why. He nervously says "well you weren't the only woman around...." meaning , i guess, him and his wife were playing sex-picture games too.

 

So, have fun all you people who love to say I-told-you-so! After today, what little self esteem i was clinging onto is gone, I dont want to so much as leave my house right now, all i want to do is go in my bedroom, lay down and cry and pray i fall asleep again so i can get a few hours without having to think consciously about my f**king miserable existance.

 

*sigh* :-(

[Island Girl]

Oh KG.

 

I am sorry you are taking it all so hard. I am sorry for how you are feeling. It may not seem like it now but you will get over this and move on.

You are a smart girl and you are just finishing your education. Your life will be completely different a year from now.

 

I am sorry for all of the terrible emotions.

 

But I am glad it is over. I am glad the time you were wasting with him is finally over.

And I hope if he tries to come back again as he has in the past you will remember how you feel now and not go back to be in this same position again.

 

You deserve better. You deserve a full romantic life with ALL of the benefits like vacations in exotic places and holidays and your birthday being celebrated.

You deserve someone who can commit themselves to you and hold you at night. A person who will make YOU a priority.

 

Now you can move on to heal and eventually find that person who will give you so much more than you have ever gotten from him.

 

I think everyone who has posted to you has genuinely wanted the best for you. And I would hope no one would try to rub salt in such a raw wound.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[whichwayisup]

Ditto. If anyone says I told you so, or bashes you, hit the alert us button..

 

((Kis)) I am sorry you're hurting..

 

Don't isolate yourself - Call a trusted friend or your family to come be with you, or maybe stay with someone for afew days so you're not alone.

 

my f**king miserable existance.

 

As of right now, that's enough of that kind of talk. Don't make yourself feel worse. You need to try hard NOT to beat yourself up and put yourself down. Remember, NOONE, let alone a MM or any man, should make you feel so little..You are hurting and very devastated, rightfully so, but you don't need to say negative stuff about yourself..

[Owl]

I know you're hurting, KG.

 

There's no way around that.

 

I'll make this suggestion...come back here when the anger hits. Because I've got some suggestions for you to consider to protect yourself going forward...and you'll be most likely to truly consider them once the anger is there.

 

Until then, talk with friends and family. Have a support structure there to help you deal with this loss.

[whichwayisup]

Owl, that's funny, was just thinking the same thing, come back and post when the anger hits...That is when you'll be really ready to take in stuff that is said on your thread.

 

Right now just focus on getting through the day, have a shower so it helps make you feel better..

[jj33]

KG I am so sorry you are hurting. And even sorrier if he said things he didnt need to that were hurtful to you. But am very relieved for you that it is over. It doesnt feel this way today but in a few months time you will be glad you are out of this. It may take a long time but it can only get better. I hope you are able to sleep. Take care. jj

[letters]

Here is a hug for you.... It's gonna be OK. It will hurt, but you'll be OK, darling. I have been dumped in the saddest of ways before, but I learned that I was better than I thought I was... When you wipe your tears, look in the mirror and tell yourself, you'll be OK. Someone once told me that there always exists that person that would be willing to loose a hand for my sake... it sounded cliche', but I let myself believe it, and guess what, the idea gave me strength, still does. Yes, look in the mirror, tell yourself, you will be OK, and believe that there's someone that would want you so much...and he exists somewhere. Take care.

[Lucky_One]

(((((KG))))

 

It really is a beautiful world out there, and now you will have the emotional freedom to see that and appreciate it.

[2sunny]

big hugs KG - i know you must be sad. he is doing you a huge favor so that you can eventually move forward and learn to be happy with or without ANY man.

 

you couldn't have been truly happy with him even if you ended up with him... it's not like his wife and kids just suddenly disappear as if they never existed.

 

it doesn't matter that you didn't say what you want to say... move forward now and start a healthy, happy life. just do today, and do something today to make yourself a bit happier. you deserve that and much more.

[blinded]

Oh KG,

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I'm terrified of the day my soon to be MM comes to me with that speech (I know it will come eventually). I just know that it won't be an overnight transformation. Just like it took years for you to get to this place, I suspect it would take just as long to recover. I could only say to take it day by day. You're not alone.

[serial muse]

I don't think most people would want to add to your hurt with I told you so's...at least, I hope not. I can't imagine how anyone who has experienced crushing hurt him/herself would wish that on someone else. And we all have, or we wouldn't be on these boards.

 

I'm truly sad for you and wish you weren't in this pain, KG - but I am also relieved for you (even if you aren't quite for yourself yet) that you will finally be free. It may not feel like it at the moment, but you've gained your freedom. Things WILL be better, and you WILL feel whole.

[jj33]

Doubtless when you have moments of non numbness the whole thing is playing like a bad record again and again.

 

But just remember, that some people rewrite history VERY quickly and they believe their own stories. So if there was stuff he said that was not nice or seemed like he never cared, its because he is in that mode.

 

Just because its over doesnt mean it wasnt something while it lasted. I mean, it was 4 years of his life. "I dont know why I did it" seems to me to be his code for the enormity of what I have been doing has just hit me and I cant do this anymore. But it doesnt cancel out for 4 years of your lives.

 

I dont know if it makes you feel any better but I hope so.

 

I know when I was in your position that was the only thing that got me through it. It made me feel a little bit less angry at myself for ever having been in it.

[GreenX]

when I thought things we did were unique to OUR relationship (eg- taking naughty pictures and etc), apparently he got the ideas I gave him in the bedroom, and took it home to his wife and did them with her too. When I asked for the password to the "secret" email account as I was curious which pictures of me he has in there, he woldnt give it to me, and now I know why. He nervously says "well you weren't the only woman around...." meaning , i guess, him and his wife were playing sex-picture games too.

 

KG, I am a bit confused with this.. I thought his wife didn't know this e-mail was his to begin with? In your other thread his wife asked him about this e-mail before and he said it wasn't his.. him getting the spam e-mail from you confirmed that it indeed was because his name was next to it which caused everything to blow-up once more for the MM and wife. I highly doubt his wife and him were exchanging pics through an e-mail that she wasn't aware of.. I can't help but think that there was another 'OW' now.

 

Not that this helps the case any but I couldn't help but point that out.

 

Back to what matters the most now, *hugs* to you, I know you're hurting terribly right now. I think you should take that shower and try to relax. Soon the anger will set in and then you will start to gather what is important and begin to heal.

[redplanet]

Dear KG,

 

While you may not see it right now, your 4 years would have meant something very special to him. Because he is seemingly shutting down right now doesn't mean to say that your relationship wasn't meaningful. It's just his way of expressing himself right now.

 

I read something special about pain that has helped me enormously, and that is that your heart may break again and again, but keeping your heart open, as painful as it may be, reveals an even deeper level of love and that is love of self. It may seem difficult right now, but once you sit in the pain rather than shun it and try to push it away, sit with it and watch it dissolve around yourself and you will feel a much deeper love.

 

This is one of those experiences in life that brings you closer to the truth.

 

Lots of hugs and my very best wishes to you.

[Reggie]

Good luck. Stick to your guns. Get healthy and stick with the therapy.

[jj33]

And KG dont feel bad about that. Its very common so so many people end up being together in that situation. Its like its the last time you will be together etc. They regret it after so he did you a favor by not going down that road but its not pathetic. Its just the way things go a lot of the time.

[JamesM]

My guess is that sky1200 is another name for someone else. He or she should be put on ignore.

 

As has been said, I hope you get through this time of pain, hurt and rejection. I also hope that if (and he might) he makes overtures of getting back together that you have the strength to shut him down.

 

I think he loved you for all of these years. You were simply not there as a "free prostitute." It is that he needed to make a choice and he chose the marriage and family.

 

Out of curiosity, what do you think he used that other secret email for? Did you say his wife sent him pictures there, or do you think there was another woman besides you? I am a little confused.

 

It is hard to pick the right words of understanding and compassion, so if anything I said seemed harsh or cruel, trust me in that I have nothing but sympathy for you. I have followed your many threads, and I feel your pain. As for him, I understand his indecision, but I cannot condone such behavior.

 

We need some additional smilies. For being called Loveshack, I find it odd that we only have one smiley that is appropriate for hugging, kissing or loving.

 

Consider yourself hugged.

[Athena]

KG you've had a horrible day seeing your worst fears confirmed, and realizing that you were second to his W, after all the love you put into him.

I am sorry you are in this position, and I know you feel like cr@p and will need to mourn the end of your R with him, and the end of that future you envisioned with him.

 

But, at the very least, you now have a Decision from him, and he cannot keep you dangling any more.

Put your energy into your upcoming exams.

 

When the time is right, and your heart has mended, you will be able to look upon your R with him and still enjoy the good memories, and be able to deal with the end of it.

 

Thinking of you. Hugs.

[4everloveu]

KG, I hope you feel better at day go by. Time will help you heal and move on.

[KismetGirl]

Hi all....

 

Thanks for words of encouragement. It's hard to believe any of them right now :-( I forced myself to fall asleep rght after he left and just woke up now. My girlfriend has called me once already and said she might stop by on her way home to see how Im doing but I dont even know what to say anymore.

 

Something about him today , maybe its because im feeling emotional, maybe its because he's trying to be distant to make the break up easier on him, it made me feel like he just didn't care at all. Like all I was , was this minor distraction once in a while . But a distraction from what? I dont know. Maybe he was just being selfish. Dont understand how it went on for so long ,though. For god's sake, he's apparently playing all our little sex games at home with his wife, so how bad can their sex life be? maybe she's not as into it as I am, but apparently she's forcing herself to do it anyway.

 

And to someone else....no his wife didn't email him pictures. He said he just emailed them to himself there after taking them with her because he didnt want to save them on his harddrive in case anyone else used the computer or something. Im not sure I believe him 100%, it could be pictures of someone else, but Im too tired to even think down that road right now.

 

All I know is that I feel completely like utter sh*t. Used, pathetic, forlorn...take your pick of depressing words and I probably feel that way. I started writing him an email explaining further some things on how I feel, and how my last minute pathetic attempt at seduction was out of sheer frustration and panic at my inability to properly verbally express everything I was feeling, but I dont even know if I should send it.

 

But you should have seen it this morning. This man confuses me so much over the years because his facial expressions and mannerisms don't ever match what he's saying. his words tell me, essentially, that he doesn't know why he did any of this, that he's in love with his family and his wife and can't imagine being in any other situation than theirs, and then he gets mad when I say "so essentially i was your free prostitute for four years". He tells me that yes, alot of our meetings were revolved around sex but that wasnt the only reason he came here, and he apologized for being a "shmuck" but honestly I feel nothing from those words because I feel like he said them because he felt bad about how he had made me feel and just wanted to say something so he wouldnt seem like this horrid person. And then he pulls me on him and hugs me really tight , pushes my hair out of my face and just stares at me for a moment, then kisses me deeply before saying he has to go because im sure he's dying from the tension.

 

Today is the second day of passover and i havent even the energy to go see my family or my grandparents or my mom because i will end up crying in front of them and dont want them to see me this way. I hate him for doing this to me 6 weeks before my exam when I have so much to do and my brain is more unfocused right now than I can even begin to explain.

 

I've never in my life felt this empty, this heartbroken I dont even know how to explain it. It's the worst feeling of hurt I've ever had like this in my entire life. No other man in my life has been able to make me feel this terrible, none of them. And I never loved any of the others as much as I loved him, so I guess that's how it goes. The ones you love the most make you feel the worst when its over, and yet I think somehow I feel worse still becase I keep telling myself I was a huge idiot for allowing myself to be in this position, for allowing myself to love someone who didnt deserve it, and who didnt take my feelings even 1/100th into consideration as he thought about how he'd hurt his wife. if he ever loved me back, he certainly didn't show it the right way.

 

All I keep seeing in my head over and over is this morning replaying itself, and I almost want to throw up when I think of the look on his face of pure joy when we were playing around in bed and I let him take sexy pictures of me, and then thinking he liked it so much that he went home and got his wife to do it too. I keep having images of her and him together doing the same things him and I did. It's nauseating.

 

Don't know what to do . All I can do is sit here and wish these feelings to go away but I feel otherwise completely disabled and overrun by , as JJ said, this record of total sh*t playing over and over in my head. Just sitting on my sofa typing this out while crying my eyes out. It isn't fair.....

[Lizzie60]

I just have this strange feeling that we haven't heard the end of this story yet...

 

Some people crave the drama in their life..

 

Some people crave 'pity parties'

 

Some people, who we think are strong and smart .. are sometimes weak and making wrong choices..

[KismetGirl]

I just have this strange feeling that we haven't heard the end of this story yet...

 

Some people crave the drama in their life..

 

Some people crave 'pity parties'

 

Some people, who we think are strong and smart .. are sometimes weak and making wrong choices..

 

Im not sure if that was directed at me, but I can assure you I don't revel in pity parties, nor this type of drama. If you think I am enjoying sitting on my couch crying hysterically by myself because friends and family are all still at work, and I took the day off today so someone could take my heart out of my chest and throw it in a figurative blender , then ok.

 

I don't think he will be coming back this time. So I think it's pretty much the end of the story. For him, anyway. I get to sit here broken and feeling like crap.

[jj33]

Im so sorry. THe only thing I can tell you is that xMM who is also English was like ice when we broke up and yet I know he is still in love with me.

 

Im as glad as anyone you are out of it, and it may just be unhelpful to believe he loves you today but he does. That doesnt matter its still better that its over but you werent a total lunatic for believing that.

 

Hard to control how you feel but unfair is much less painful than he never loved me. You are immensely lovable - how could he not have loved you.

 

The other thing is, if he didnt care, he wouldnt have come over.

 

You used to ask me why I never went back. Its that searing pain that you are going through now. In a really weird way this is going to help you move forward because you will NEVER give him an opportunity to hurt you like this again.

 

But its probably too soon to hear that. Right now its all unreal.

 

And if you can possibly manage Passover do it. When else do you get to flick wine without being a social reject?

 

Even if you are in tears your family will be happy to see you. Every family is crazy in one way or another, but they love you and being with them will ground you even if you wish you were home sleeping or out getting drunk with your girlfriends.

[Dexter Morgan]

I didn't want to make him feel bad, I wanted to try to just say what I needed to say neutrally but I couldnt help but throw out things like "ok, so basically, i was available to you for four years, so basically i was a free prostitute".

 

He is married, what did you expect?

 

 

But it doesnt matter. It happened just like i told everyone. He ended it. He said it was for real this time, that he loves his wife and his family and doesn't envision himself in any other "situation" than theirs. That he can't think that anything was missing in particular, but that he was just being a selfish pr**k for four years.

 

that he is, no argument there. He is definitely a cheating d!cksmoke.

 

but if he is that, what does that make you for sleeping with another woman's husband?

 

I don't think I could sleep with someone elses wife, then end up calling her names when my behavior was just as bad.

 

 

So here I am. Alone. I want to cry but I feel so herrendous Im almost numb. Maybe it hasn't really hit me yet. To say Im heartbroken is not even remotely close to how I feel.....feel crushed and worthless and pathetic and stupid for believing this man had any feelings for me after four years of this.

 

Now you know what the wives of men that OW hook up with feel like.

 

But enough of that, yes....you are alone. You don't have to be. I'll never know why on gods green earth when there are millions of people out there, why finding a compatible single guy out there is anything but common sense.

 

This MM is a bastard....if that is who you see as your compatible mate, then you have some issues to resolve within yourself.

 

Yes I know, you probably don't want to hear it, but there are millions of great single guys out there. You won't be alone if you refrain from hooking up with the married ones.

 

Maybe thats just it, the MM is realistically unavailable to be there for you, and "belongs" to someone else...therefore that is why you want the MM. I don't know.

 

 

In reality he had no idea why he did what he did

 

I can make a pretty good guess. He doesn't want to disrupt his family, doesn't want to go through the pain of a divorce financially, emotionally, or otherwise. He has alot to lose and doesn't want to lose it. Whether he loves his wife is debatable. I dont think he does to be boffing you for 4 years. I think he just wants to keep his comfortable life.

 

 

 

the only person's feelings who he really considered were his wife's

 

By sleeping with you, he had a funny way of showing it.

 

 

So, have fun all you people who love to say I-told-you-so!

 

No I told you so...but do something about it. Stand up, brush yourself off and realize that being with someone elses husband is poison and the wrong thing to do to a fellow female.

 

Again, single men are out there, don't latch on to a married one because of convenience or proximity. Put the effort in and find a decent available man.

 

 

After today, what little self esteem i was clinging onto is gone, I dont want to so much as leave my house right now, all i want to do is go in my bedroom, lay down and cry and pray i fall asleep again so i can get a few hours without having to think consciously about my f**king miserable existance.

 

*sigh* :-(

 

I can't remember. Does his wife know? If so, I wouldn't fret that he will be going from this unscathed. Even if his wife decides to forgive him, it doesn't mean she won't make him pay in some way.

 

And if she doesn't know....she deserves to know. *hint*

[KismetGirl]

No, his wife doesn't know. I asked this morning if he confessed to everything, he said no. I suppose that means, as per past events, that she will be pissed off for a while, he will continue to deny anything significant happened (if anything) and eventually she'll move on. he says he has already breached the levels of trust with her several times, and I guess I always found it hard to believe you really are in love with someone and continue to do that to them, but what can I say, Im not in his head.

 

I am alternating now between sadness and that sort of illogical anger where you are having troubel breathing, where Im daydreaming about driving to his house while he's off at work and i know his wife is home to tell her everything. But I think I'll just end up causing more damage doing that. It's very tempting at this moment though because I despise that I feel like Im the only one hurting this much right now. She really doesnt know everything, so as much as she's hurt he lied about having this other email,s he doesnt know for sure he's done anything to this extent. I have to tell you...due to the fact that she doesnt know Im pretty sure Im hurting alot more than she is at the moment. Granted, if I told her exactly what he's done she'd be well worse off than me emotionally, in a different way, but nonetheless. I suppose telling her would serve no purpose other than to hurt HIM indirectly. It certainly doesnt do anything for her. Not really. She has enough evidence to either push to find out (she could easily email me if she really wanted to know that badly, and she hasn't), or she could choose to "get over it" and believe he didnt REALLY go sleep with another woman or anything like that. And I think she'll go with the latter. And if thats the case, I guess its not up to me to ruin it. I feel ruined enough for the both of us right now.

 

Dont know if I can handle seeing famly today. They are crazy, in a good way, but dont think i can handle talking to them about it when they see me break down in tears which i very well may do if i go. I dont know....i'll figure it out.

 

JJ, I hope its an english-ice thing, because I have to tell you it was very hard to discern anything about what he said or did today. Like I said...his mannerisms/facial expressions did not match his words, so i was put off, confused by it all. It feels like its hard to breathe right now. Four years.... *sigh*

 

And to Dexter...you dont choose who you fall for. I didnt "pick" MM because he was in proximity, for god's sake. He was my married boss when i met him- not exactly an ideal basis for a relationship. It just happened. Say what you will but I didnt plan it, didnt intend it, youc an't help who you fall for. I made the mistake to continue with it because of those feelings, that much I can say, but I didnt forgoe other single men because of him. Just havent met any others I really like. Forced myself to go on dates, etc etc....never liked any of them. I live in a city of 8 million people, but finding a person you are compatible with is not as easy as you seem to believe. if it was for you, Bravo, it isnt that way for most people. if it was, everyone would be in happy relationships.