It's all over

[ForumFool]

I feel sorry for the only victims in this whole thing, his wife and kids..they were and are in the dark and do not even know the man they call husband and dad. Though I think the wife knows more than you may think KS.

 

When you feel up to it and yeah today is much toooo soon you may want to think about and hold on to the fact he said he loved his wife (and has shown that you will never be number one with him since day 1) and pushed you away when you tried to seduce him...(I would feel so humilated over that if I were in your shoes...ugh I feel for you ) ..he wants HER ...LOVES HER

 

ON the sex pics...um I am with 3 other posters I do not think the pics are of his wife..(he lies so you can't take his word for it) ....I think (can't know) he had more things on the side than you...you just lasted longer...maybe you hung in there more and they gave up on him after a few rolls in the hay....I think this because your first post clearly stated he said you were not the only woman on there and YOU GUESSED he meant his wife...see below

 

"quote KS"He said it was for real this time, that he loves his wife and his family and doesn't envision himself in any other "situation" than theirs. That he can't think that anything was missing in particular, but that he was just being a selfish pr**k for four years.

 

Since I was feeling miserable and couldnt think of what I wanted to say properly I did what I swore to myself I wouldn't do- I made attempt to seduce him, in a manner of speaking, and he didn't give in. Kissed me several times, hugged me, and said he couldn't and he had to go.

 

So here I am. Alone. I want to cry but I feel so herrendous Im almost numb. Maybe it hasn't really hit me yet. To say Im heartbroken is not even remotely close to how I feel.....feel crushed and worthless and pathetic and stupid for believing this man had any feelings for me after four years of this. In reality he had no idea why he did what he did, the only person's feelings who he really considered were his wife's, and when I thought things we did were unique to OUR relationship (eg- taking naughty pictures and etc), apparently he got the ideas I gave him in the bedroom, and took it home to his wife and did them with her too. When I asked for the password to the "secret" email account as I was curious which pictures of me he has in there, he woldnt give it to me, and now I know why. He nervously says "well you weren't the only woman around...." meaning , i guess, him and his wife were playing sex-picture games too.

 

Btw, I do not think as you stated above that his wife was thought of as she should have been otherwise you and MM would not have had those sex games and pics

 

You will do what YOU want to do....I think/hope the wife finds out so SHE can do what she feels is best for her and the kids...I have a mixed feeling if it should come from you.....Taking yourself out of it for a second ..imagine how much worse his wife will or does feel having been his WIFE and bearing his kids......standing and looking at all you two did.....She will know more in time....she will feel far worse than you..I can only hope you both learn something from this....As this is your thread and not hers...I will say I hope you learn to RUN next time he or any other MM comes around....

[KismetGirl]

I feel sorry for the only victims in this whole thing, his wife and kids..they were and are in the dark and do not even know the man they call husband and dad. Though I think the wife knows more than you may think KS.

 

When you feel up to it and yeah today is much toooo soon you may want to think about and hold on to the fact he said he loved his wife (and has shown that you will never be number one with him since day 1) and pushed you away when you tried to seduce him...(I would feel so humilated over that if I were in your shoes...ugh I feel for you ) ..he wants HER ...LOVES HER

 

ON the sex pics...um I am with 3 other posters I do not think the pics are of his wife..(he lies so you can't take his word for it) ....I think (can't know) he had more things on the side than you...you just lasted longer...maybe you hung in there more and they gave up on him after a few rolls in the hay....I think this because your first post clearly stated he said you were not the only woman on there and YOU GUESSED he meant his wife...see below

 

"quote KS"He said it was for real this time, that he loves his wife and his family and doesn't envision himself in any other "situation" than theirs. That he can't think that anything was missing in particular, but that he was just being a selfish pr**k for four years.

 

Since I was feeling miserable and couldnt think of what I wanted to say properly I did what I swore to myself I wouldn't do- I made attempt to seduce him, in a manner of speaking, and he didn't give in. Kissed me several times, hugged me, and said he couldn't and he had to go.

 

So here I am. Alone. I want to cry but I feel so herrendous Im almost numb. Maybe it hasn't really hit me yet. To say Im heartbroken is not even remotely close to how I feel.....feel crushed and worthless and pathetic and stupid for believing this man had any feelings for me after four years of this. In reality he had no idea why he did what he did, the only person's feelings who he really considered were his wife's, and when I thought things we did were unique to OUR relationship (eg- taking naughty pictures and etc), apparently he got the ideas I gave him in the bedroom, and took it home to his wife and did them with her too. When I asked for the password to the "secret" email account as I was curious which pictures of me he has in there, he woldnt give it to me, and now I know why. He nervously says "well you weren't the only woman around...." meaning , i guess, him and his wife were playing sex-picture games too.

 

Btw, I do not think as you stated above that his wife was thought of as she should have been otherwise you and MM would not have had those sex games and pics

 

You will do what YOU want to do....I think/hope the wife finds out so SHE can do what she feels is best for her and the kids...I have a mixed feeling if it should come from you.....Taking yourself out of it for a second ..imagine how much worse his wife will or does feel having been his WIFE and bearing his kids......standing and looking at all you two did.....She will know more in time....she will feel far worse than you..I can only hope you both learn something from this....As this is your thread and not hers...I will say I hope you learn to RUN next time he or any other MM comes around....

 

She can't possibly know the details of anything because he hasn't told her. How else will she know? She hasn't bothered to ask me, though she could if she wanted. She has my email and all she needs to do is look at their cell phone bill to see my phone number as he texts me often. She has suspicions, but nothing concrete. Probably can guess that he and I had some sort of inappropriate involvement, but to what extent, she really can't know, and at this point, she won't ever find out because he will never tell her. He won't admit to anything, so that's it. His kids are unaware as to anything right now....they are all too young to understand or notice. All under 6 years old, one still in diapers.

 

BTW....he didnt push me away exactly. if i gave the impression that i threw myself at him and he threw me to the ground disgusted, that's the wrong impression. I could tell he wanted to. He went so far as to pull my dress over my head and lay on top of me kissing me and touching me but then his cell phone fell out of his pocket, with his kid's pictures right on the screensaver thing, and he stopped for a minute and looked at it and im sure the guilt came over him again and he said we shouldnt do it, which i suppose makes sense to refrain from f**king your mistress right after you've said youre trying to be a "new man". And to be honest, after I told him he made me feel like a total whore sometimes, I think that made him feel even worse.... i wasn't really humiliated, per say, so much as dissapointed in myself for almost sleeping with him again when I SWORE to myself I wouldnt let it happen this time, but you know what....i was half asleep after having gone to bed at 4 in the morning (he came while i was still sleeping...way earlier than i thought he'd get here) and i was having trouble getting the words out the way i wanted, and i panicked and the first thing i just automatically did when i saw him looking at me in "that way" again was to turn on the temptress, it's just a habit with him, i guess. Don't know why....normally im quite eloquent in my verbal abilities but sometimes with him....my brain just turns to mush. It doesnt help wehn im running on four hours sleep and still trying to wake up as he's talking to me either.

 

Anyway, She and I are both hurting in different ways. Even if she did find out details, im not sure she would leave him....look at how badly I felt and I wouldnt give him up. She has a house, a life, and most of all, three kids with him, in addition to not working (she's a stay at home mother), so he is the sole provider. She has way more than me invested with him, so I dont see why anyone would think she could so easily get up and leave him. She's had plenty of reason to be suspicious before, and Im not saying she's naive, but when someone wants to know the full truth, its not that hard to learn it....especially when you HAVE the contact information of the very woman who you think your hsuband might be sleeping with. She never once asked me. Which means she wanted to believe he wouldnt do such a thing, and I can understand why at the end she would take his excuses and just accept them even though she never lost that feeling of suspicion.

 

Im not trying to compete with who is hurting worse...it's just different for each of us. To say one person's suffering means more than another's is just...it doesnt make sense. It's like saying because someone is starving on the other side of the planet I shouldn't be upset when Im having financial crises. I appreciate what I do have, but my sadness is not a matter of comparing to anyone else to see if they have it worse or not. A person's misery is their own, and no matter how insignificant someone else feels it is, it hurts you just as much as anything else. IF she found out the details I think she'd be alot worse off emotionally....but I dont think she ever will. I won't say anything of my own accord. If she called me I would be honest wth her, but she won't. And he won't tell her. So there you have it. His kids will never know anything happened with their parents because they're all too young to remember that mom and dad had some tension for a while when they were 9 months old or 3 years old or 5 years old.

 

I understand why some people think his wife is the only victim here, thats fine. I learned long ago that as an OW im going to be villianized just because I willingly got involved with him. That's like saying a woman is not a victim of domestic violence because she chooses to stay with an abusive man even though she COULD leave him. I learned my lesson and would never let it get to this with another MM again so long as I live, but sometimes you need to live and learn before you get the ability to do that. I really didnt think things would get to this when I met him, i really didnt. In fact, when I found out he was married, I dismissed anything ever happening with him. We subtely flirted, but nothing obvious, more joking around than anything else. That night in the bar when he kissed me? I was shocked. My married boss just up and kissed me. And I was so confused, I knew it was a bad idea. He wanted to sleep with me that first night and I didn't do it. I told him he'd regret it, that he had been drinking, that he needed to go home and think about what he'd done. And the next morning he texted me to tell me "My only regret about last night is that I don't know how I will ever find another chance to spend the whole night with you". I'll admit it, I melted. I held back for a while. To try to be friends and not be awkward he invited me to go to a baseball game, so I went with him and another friend of his. I figured there's three of us, its all casual. His friend went home early and we were left alone again. It's very hard to resist someone when you see them every day, all day long at work, and you really start to develop feelings for them. I was right out of college, young and stupid, coming out of my own long-term relationship that had long since fizzled for me, and I felt alive and wanted again . But whatever, its a moot point right now. No matter what anyone says, Im hurting right now, not you. I am. Whether or not you think I deserve it or not is pretty irrelevant. Im trying to get over it but its going to take time. Im trying desperately not to ruin my professional future over this right now. he couldnt have picked a worse time to do this....several weeks for a huge exam that will likely determine if i get into the program i want. I try to talk to friends regularly, and i have some great, wonderful friends who will talk to me about MM until the world ends if thats how long it takes me to heal and i am so grateful for them, for people like them and many kind people on this forum have helped to keep me somewhat sane but it'll still take a long time to get over this. I still see his face in the morning when i wake up, and before i go to bed. I see his car when I drive home at least twice a week parked near my house because he works down the street. We have mutual friends. but Im trying....

[BlueEyedGirl]

I also really think there were other OW around. Not as long term as you but it doesn't take much energy or time to sleep with someone once or twice and take naked pics. Maybe in the last year or so when you saw him less often, maybe even while you were broken up. He could have easily had a few flings. It strikes me as odd that he would take pictures of his own wife and then e-mail them to himself...

[Cliche]

You're going to be stronger soon, Kismet.

 

Until then, ((hugs))

[whichwayisup]

I think, MAYBE, if down the road I was the one to make contact with him again he would relent and come back, MAYBE.....but overall I doubt it right now

 

Put these thoughts out of your head...All it's going to do is give you a tiny bit of hope that "one day" he 'might' come back. He isn't and that's what you need to focus on so you can let go and begin the healing process.

 

I ask him if he's in love how can he fathom hurting his wife over and over for so long. I said to him, I understand that people make mistakes, but four years ceases to be a mistake. Four years is long beyond the "oops"/one-night-stand mistake.

 

It's called he is selfish and got used to having two women meeting all his needs. I don't think he thought about it much, it was probably 'it is what it is' in his mind. My guess is this, those who cheat on their spouses, especially in long term affairs, are VERY good at separating and justifying their actions and feelings, depending on whom they're with at the time. When he was with you, he focussed on you..When he was at home with his wife and kids, he focussed on them. He basically lived two separate lives..

 

She hasn't bothered to ask me, though she could if she wanted. She has my email and all she needs to do is look at their cell phone bill to see my phone number as he texts me often.

 

If she does end up calling, then it is up to you to decide to tell her the truth about everything, or deny it. Never say never...Especially if she ends up speaking with Bob's wife, (who I think knows alot more than she ever let on to you) then there could be someone pushing her abit to call and get more information. Anyway, whatever is going on over there, noone knows. Maybe he's come clean with her and confessed. Either way, try not to think about it...That part of your life and concern is over. Thinking about it and not knowing will drive you crazy..

 

And, whatever you do, DO NOT email him. Write 100 letters, but don't ever send them.

[whichwayisup]

and Im not saying she's naive, but when someone wants to know the full truth, its not that hard to learn it....especially when you HAVE the contact information of the very woman who you think your hsuband might be sleeping with. She never once asked me. Which means she wanted to believe he wouldnt do such a thing, and I can understand why at the end she would take his excuses and just accept them even though she never lost that feeling of suspicion.

 

That's because he's a GOOD LIAR. This is why you shouldn't be believing all that he's ever told you. He's capable of telling some whopper lies!

 

Keep telling yourself you're going to be OK. I know you will be, it'll just take time and alot of good junk food, some good friends, and keeping busy. Focus all this into your studies and kick some ass on your finals!!

[ForumFool]

I also really think there were other OW around. Not as long term as you but it doesn't take much energy or time to sleep with someone once or twice and take naked pics. Maybe in the last year or so when you saw him less often, maybe even while you were broken up. He could have easily had a few flings. It strikes me as odd that he would take pictures of his own wife and then e-mail them to himself...

 

We agree 100% this dude is a master liar and is good at acting like he cannot lie..which makes him a liar extraordinaire

 

KS I just read your post above..I know you hurt too and didnt mean to suggest you do not..though to be frank your story on today has had many major changes in it...not small differences but major.....What I was meaning to say on his wife's feels are.....knowing or not...he is a walking lie in her life......so though she may not know all.....she and the kids ARE being hurt because they have no choice..they think they are let us say eating steak when in reality they have old burger that has set on the counter for hours festering with maggots...YOU at least KNEW when you went into this that he was tainted meat/married....When she married him....there was no and "he will cheat in the future in the vows"..THAT is why in part I feel sorry for her......I hope she finds out from pics of another mistress and I would bet my life he has had a few one nighters......and she can decide what to do based on reality not on lies......If you look back at the BBQ thread you will see I addressed you there (not sure you saw me) and stated he was having sex with her...you were sure he wasnt.....He is a messed up person (we all are) but this dude is toxic...Many women who have never worked or have limited work experience take the kids and the house and make out OK to well living in the truth..I really feel sad for her . She would be better off on welfare/and child support than with him unless he really really changes and I fear all he will change is his rotating mistresses

 

Now on a women contacting the OW ...It just doesn't happen that way. Many just don't need any more data than knowing their spouse is a liar and cheat..

 

In the end...he loves her in his way a way that said from the start he would never leave her for you and he chose her this last time too..Mixed up love yeah but end result is he is with her..I would just feel bad and throw myself in my school work or test ....you do not NEED this constant drama. I was once a battered wife btw and ya know...if I walked into it KNOWING he was going to beat me...it would have been informed consent much like affairs (I have come close to those too I am no saint) However I didn't know.....so I draw a line when I see someone say that it just happened.....feelings happen actions are another thing.....

 

I hope you take good care of you and listen and follow the advice of people in here who hope you stay far away from him in allllllll ways. However that is again your choice but every time you allow him to hurt you ..you give consent to that pain

 

Anyhow.....I like writing and not mailing and eating carbs to help heal

[jwi71]

KG-

 

I am sorry you are in pain. It WILL fade.

 

However, after reading your posts I do NOT think this A is over. You DID seduce him and the ONLY reason you didn't consummate that morning was because his cell phone slipped out. It is as I suspected - only a suspension until he gaslights his W into believing he is the wonderful loyal husband and father he believes her to be (he fails on both of course).

 

And then you will allow the A to rekindle.

 

I come to this conclusion based on a few things. One of which is you DON'T want it to end. The others are based upon a fundamental lack of understanding on how A's begin - and you have demonstrated it time and again.

 

A's aren't mistakes and they don't just happen. They result from numerous decisions to violate boundaries. And at each opportunity BOTH parties must choose the A. And with each decision the bonds grow tighter between cheaters. Please recognize this. It is true of all R's actually. Small steps and decisions to allow the other closer and to be closer with him/her. Until you recognize this and OWN your 50% of the A - I see no real growth. The kind of growth that would prevent you from being the OW again (you don't seem to have the emotional makeup for it). And that, to me, says your are still vulnerable to being in an A - most likely with him again.

 

Would you consider switching IC's?

 

I'll be here when the A starts up again. And I'll be here when it ends again. Not sure my message will change much though.

 

All I can say is REFLECT. What did you learn from this R? What did you learn of yourself?

 

Best wishes KG...the tears DO end and the sun will shine again (been there, done that VERY recently myself).

 

JW

[KismetGirl]

KG-

 

I am sorry you are in pain. It WILL fade.

 

However, after reading your posts I do NOT think this A is over. You DID seduce him and the ONLY reason you didn't consummate that morning was because his cell phone slipped out. It is as I suspected - only a suspension until he gaslights his W into believing he is the wonderful loyal husband and father he believes her to be (he fails on both of course).

 

And then you will allow the A to rekindle.

 

I come to this conclusion based on a few things. One of which is you DON'T want it to end. The others are based upon a fundamental lack of understanding on how A's begin - and you have demonstrated it time and again.

 

A's aren't mistakes and they don't just happen. They result from numerous decisions to violate boundaries. And at each opportunity BOTH parties must choose the A. And with each decision the bonds grow tighter between cheaters. Please recognize this. It is true of all R's actually. Small steps and decisions to allow the other closer and to be closer with him/her. Until you recognize this and OWN your 50% of the A - I see no real growth. The kind of growth that would prevent you from being the OW again (you don't seem to have the emotional makeup for it). And that, to me, says your are still vulnerable to being in an A - most likely with him again.

 

Would you consider switching IC's?

 

I'll be here when the A starts up again. And I'll be here when it ends again. Not sure my message will change much though.

 

All I can say is REFLECT. What did you learn from this R? What did you learn of yourself?

 

Best wishes KG...the tears DO end and the sun will shine again (been there, done that VERY recently myself).

 

JW

 

Hi

 

I've been awake for ...oh....24 hours or something I dont know so sorry if I sound mildly delirious. Have not been able to sleep much the last couple days at all.

 

A is over, love. Reasons, motivations for A...who cares. I met him and from day one he was different for me. I tried to stay distant and not care, and it didnt work. From the day he kissed me that night I was done for. I don't have a way to explain it to make anyone else understand, but if you've ever loved anyone before you should know it is irrational, it is wonderful, it is scary and makes no sense and when you're 22 years old and just out of a long relationship and have been trying for five months to ignore the knot in your chest that comes up every time your 29 year old married boss smiles at you, and then one night after a co-worker's night out he just up and kisses you, you know what you're doing is "wrong" and you do it anyway. And you try to be "good", and you tell him to go home and think about what he tried to do, and in the morning you get this subtely romantic text telling you that his only regret is wondering if he'll ever be able to spend one whole night with you....that's just it. And that's what I did. And I didn't think past, and I didn't think future, all I thought was something about him drew me to him. That's it. That's all. I never did not take responsibility for my actions, but I will never apologize for my feelings. They are the one of the only true things you have in this world , and you can control how you act on them but anyone who says they can control their feelings themselves is a fool. A disheartened, scared, fool. And I pity them.

 

He will do what he thinks is the right thing and go back to his family, and I will let him go. I will try to move on and find someone who can give me what I deserve but I'll never forget him, it's just life. He won't try to come back. if he did, I would be shocked, I really would. After all I said to him....well, let him fix home. His kids deserve having both their parents around. I hope they are happy. I'm not sure they will be in 20 years, but I hope they are if that's what they choose.

 

I should probably try to go to bed. It's like 615 in the morning. *sigh* yeah. Sorry for the delirious ramblings. I'll be more coherent when I sleep a little.

[jj33]

KG I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and that today feels slightly better. Its going to feel unreal for some time. After all it was 4 years of your life.

 

Never before have I thought that telling the W would b the right thing to do. In every other situation Ive read about I thought it would be wrong for the W to hear it from the OW because the motives would be wrong. But there is an exception to every rule.

 

I think you should tell his W for you and for her. If you still have her email address, you can write an email saying

 

I am so very very sorry for the hurt that my relationship with your H has caused you. I know there is nothing I can say to make it better or to unwind what has happened. I just wanted you to know that it is over now.

 

Or something along those lines. You arent saying alot. Its not a book. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to her.

 

There are medical ethics at work but H is not a patient. There are also ethics for yourself. And empowerment for yourself. You need to take control and you need to stop this guy in his tracks.

 

Its too soon for you to hear all the reasons why I think your case is an exception, but I do.

 

I know you love this guy, but I hope his ***** falls off.

[KismetGirl]

KG I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and that today feels slightly better. Its going to feel unreal for some time. After all it was 4 years of your life.

 

Never before have I thought that telling the W would b the right thing to do. In every other situation Ive read about I thought it would be wrong for the W to hear it from the OW because the motives would be wrong. But there is an exception to every rule.

 

I think you should tell his W for you and for her. If you still have her email address, you can write an email saying

 

I am so very very sorry for the hurt that my relationship with your H has caused you. I know there is nothing I can say to make it better or to unwind what has happened. I just wanted you to know that it is over now.

 

Or something along those lines. You arent saying alot. Its not a book. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to her.

 

There are medical ethics at work but H is not a patient. There are also ethics for yourself. And empowerment for yourself. You need to take control and you need to stop this guy in his tracks.

 

Its too soon for you to hear all the reasons why I think your case is an exception, but I do.

 

I know you love this guy, but I hope his ***** falls off.

 

How would my motives not be wrong in telling W? Now that the A is over, it's like I'd be doing it out of revenge, just to hurt him and take something away from him, when in reality i think i'd be hurting her the most. I'd think I'd have done enough harm as it was.

 

I haven't slept since yesterday. It's 7 in the morning over here so I've been awake for like 24 hours, or close to it. I finally just took some Ambien and am laying around waiting for it to kick in because I have insomnia on a regular basis to begin with, but when I am upset or dealing with stressful stuff it gets worse and some nights, like last night, I wont sleep the whole night at all. So I wont write alot now because Im getting to that deliriously tired point where the screen is going to start blurring soon, but I figured I'd ask....what about my case makes telling his W different? Curious.

 

Be back later....

[jj33]

Ooh you must be so tired. Because you need to put an end to this forever. He isnt honest with you. And he isnt honest with her.

 

In this case you would be doing both of you a favor. He has done more than enough favors for himself.

 

Im sorry my post a few weeks ago hurt your feelings. I really am in your corner. And I dont want to see you hurt more.

 

You have to do what feels right for you and I understand why you wouldnt want to tell her. It may be too soon for you to really think about it all.

 

And you have finals and you dont need more drama. Its a tough call.

 

But I think that he has been so very dishonest and manipulative with you and with her in so many ways that the usual rules dont apply here.

 

Writing her a short email will bring closure for you with 2 or three short sentences.

 

Hope you get some rest.

 

Edited to add - its all so soon you arent ready to accept the whole picture yet. You are just processing it all. In a few days it will all be clearer. Things that you told yourself were true arent true. And it may take you a few days or weeks to accept that. Its all so fresh right now your mind is spinning. The brain and the heart can only handle so much at one time.

[Billie63]

Ah Kismet you must be feeling so awful. You probably will find it hard to believe that this is really over for good - but the realisation will happen eventually. I'm glad he ended it - and, I do believe that those pics on his email are of another woman/women I'm afraid.

 

"You weren't the only woman around" - tells me he's a cake eating ****e - he may backtrack on that statement but what it says is he likes having a little fun on the side. That's not to say his feelings for you haven't run deep. I once said to you maybe the problems in their sexual life were actually his fault, not hers, or rather his drive is such that one woman just can't satisfy him.

 

I have known men like that, as friends, lovely handsome charming intelligent men in love with their wives who appeared to have everything but still felt the need to go sniffing after other women. I don't get it, neither do you, which is why you rationalise his behaviour by saying 'he can't love his wife if he can do that to her.'

 

Thing is, just because you wouldn't behave like that, doesn't mean other people don't - because they certainly do.

 

Big hugs to you Kismet - you are going to be ok one day. But right now, yes you're going to feel a lot of pain - and no one can take that pain away for you, it's something you're going to have to go thru. You will be a changed woman after this - you'll be a woman, not a girl anymore.

[Owl]

He did betray her tust. He told her that he tried out sex tricks learned from KG on his wife. IMHO that was cruel and unnecesseary. He also mentioned something about pictures of other women in his secret e-mail. I strongly feel that there are OOW involved. He dropped her like a hot potato in a very cruel and cold way when it suited him.

 

It'll be equally cruel for the wife to find out where he learned and practiced those tricks, no?

 

I'd also add that SOMEONE was getting "dropped (her) like a hot potato in a very cruel and cold way when it suited him" at some point. That's what happens in affairs. It was either KG, or his wife. And for the last four years, he's made it clear that it was going to be KG and not his wife.

 

I'm not saying that KG doesn't have valid reason to hurt...don't take me wrong.

 

But this was hardly "out of the blue".

 

And wife needs to know ASAP. Doesn't matter who tells her, There is nothing worse than being deceived which I had my own taste of recently. WIfe needs to be able to make an informed decision.

 

This I most certainly agree with.

[Owl]

KG...I'd agree with the summation that others have given you.

 

RIGHT NOW...you're convinced that you'll never forget the love the two of you shared.

 

But honestly, in a few months time (at the most)...you're not going to look back at this whole thing with mixed fondness and regret. You're going to look back and clearly see what a weasel he's been this whole time...you won't be forlorn, you'll be angry.

 

And that's a good thing.

 

But for now...one day at a time.

[bentnotbroken]

I pray his wife has a been snooping and has a lawyer that will bust his azz wide open:mad:I am just don't understand why she doesn't have the right to know no matter who tells her and for what reason. Honorable intentions went out the window 4 years ago, why not keep going and give her the info to decide for herself what she should do, then get some ethics. I know this isn't a popular position, but what if he is doing another woman without protection? Shouldn't his wife be warned, she does have children to consider. And just for the record, all of us don't give a crap what is invested in a relationship, we just don't want to continue being a made a fool of.

[Island Girl]

I pray his wife has a been snooping and has a lawyer that will bust his azz wide open:mad:I am just don't understand why she doesn't have the right to know no matter who tells her and for what reason. Honorable intentions went out the window 4 years ago, why not keep going and give her the info to decide for herself what she should do, then get some ethics. I know this isn't a popular position, but what if he is doing another woman without protection? Shouldn't his wife be warned, she does have children to consider. And just for the record, all of us don't give a crap what is invested in a relationship, we just don't want to continue being a made a fool of.

 

I am with you. So I guess I don't stand on the side of popular opinion either...

 

If I was the wife I'd want to know so I could make the best decision for myself instead of having the snake make the best decision for him.

[jj33]

Owl I agree with you it would be incredibly cruel for the W to know he shared those tricks with others. Just as it was incredibly cruel to say tell KG he shared those things with others. But that is the kind of guy he is.

 

That is why I am in favor of a very very short email to his W. Not a "tell all" rip out the heart book.

 

But my guess is KG isnt ready to even think about this yet. It so soon. And its all so fresh and raw and disorienting.

 

She took the little bits of information and made sense of it in her own way as we all so. And her beleif in his life and his motivations etc kept her in it for 4 years. That is a long time and a big chunk of her life post living at home. It got her in so deep that it may take some time for her to come to terms with what was really going on.

[Lucky_One]

If Kismet is smart, she will close this chapter and concentrate on her schooling. If she really wants med school, then she needs to keep her nose clean and her life as drama-free as possible.

 

Did no one here read about the man who killed all of his children plus himself when he found out about his wife's affair? Do you just think that you can tell someone devastating news like this in a vacuum?

 

Telling a spouse can have HUGE implications, sometimes leading to death.

 

I think that if Kismet didn't give a damn about the wife's feelings before, than telling her to "protect and save the wife" at this point is petty, childish, and vengeful, and would be purely acting out of hurt, jealousy and a desire to inflict pain on her MM.

[tft]

Hi KG

 

I've followed your threads but usually just lurk-this one has me feeling for you so much for I've come out of lurking to send you some hugs. I'm so sorry you're hurting this much.

 

I agree the other posters who've mentioned the fishiness surrounding his secret email and pictures-I seem to remember you saying that for a time you weren't using protection (just the pill) with him, maybe to be sure you should get checked out for STD's just incase he was that much more of an ar5ehole.

 

Also, I'm with the posters who agree the BS should be told(not my usual stance). The same way that you deserve to be with someone who is there 100% mind body and soul, so does she. I doubt very much that she'd want to be with him if she knew what he was doing/done. As has been said, it wasn't a one off thing with you. Its 4 effing years.

 

Anyway, remember One. Day. At. A. Time. It will get better.

 

Sending best wishes your way.

 

xxx

[jj33]

Death is quite rare and there must have been other issues in that situation.

 

If he comes back and she gets back with him again med school will likely go out the window anyway. She needs to cut this cancer out of her life once and for all. Look at all the drama now. If she sends the email now, then its done. He wont be back.

 

MM and his W can deal with their marriage but KG is no longer at risk of having this guy come back. Despite all evidence to the contrary, she still wants to believe her version fo the truth about him.

 

Do you really think shes going to give up the drama for school? She hasnt in 4 years.

 

His W has found so many clues and is being gaslighted. You think shed be shocked? I dont think so. Angry hurt hearetbroken, yes. Shocked no.

 

I never ever believe the OW should be the one to tell the W for the reasons you say, but this is a very different case in my view.

 

If a man walks into your house and tells you he integrated the things he did with you into his marital sex life which he led you to believe was nonexistent and "says nervously well there were other women around" it all changes, its so cruel I cant find the words for it.

 

And even now KG is not 100% sure she wouldnt take him back.

 

The motives might not be pure, but it will get him out of her life and that is really all that matters.

[Lucky_One]

I don't see anything different or amazing about this EMA.

 

It's just like every other one. A guy runs out on his wife, off and on, for a number of years with a woman who is willing. Happens all the time.

 

Kismet was willing while it was going in the direction that she liked. So was he. It is now going in a different direction for him, and so he is ending the EMA. That, too, happens all the time.

 

Everyone on this board told her over and over that his marriage was his business, and that there was every indication in the world that they were having a full sex life at home and that their marriage was fairly happy. Kismet didn't want to believe it. So now - she has the knowledge and she can believe it, instead of deluding herself. In way, he did her a favor by being honest.

 

You think that Kismet should do the BS a favor and be honest. So why villify the MM for being honest with Kismet and taking the wool from her eyes as well? Why is he being cruel, but Kismet would be doing something honorable??

[jj33]

I never said it was honorable. Its a way out for her. This guy is worse than others.

[Reggie]

I don't see anything different or amazing about this EMA.

 

It's just like every other one. A guy runs out on his wife, off and on, for a number of years with a woman who is willing. Happens all the time.

 

Kismet was willing while it was going in the direction that she liked. So was he. It is now going in a different direction for him, and so he is ending the EMA. That, too, happens all the time.

 

Everyone on this board told her over and over that his marriage was his business, and that there was every indication in the world that they were having a full sex life at home and that their marriage was fairly happy. Kismet didn't want to believe it. So now - she has the knowledge and she can believe it, instead of deluding herself. In way, he did her a favor by being honest.

 

You think that Kismet should do the BS a favor and be honest. So why villify the MM for being honest with Kismet and taking the wool from her eyes as well? Why is he being cruel, but Kismet would be doing something honorable??

 

Gotta agree with Dex and you on this. KG was every bit as culpable in this as this guy. It is a standard affair, nothing special. She was not used and the feeling like a free prostitute thing makes no sense at all.

So, she needs to find out why she feels okay about lying and cheating and why she was alright living like this. Gotta be a self esteem issue or lack of a moral compass, or both.

[Lucky_One]

I never said it was honorable. Its a way out for her. This guy is worse than others.

 

Why was he worse? He didn't lie to her about his marriage, he didn't make her promises, he didn't make her hang on for 16 years, he didn't abuse her.

 

Kismet is a smart girl. She chose this, she wanted this, she actively participated in this.