It's all over

[awkward]

I just logged on and saw that the affair is over. I am glad that it is done for you KG. I was worried that it was going to take awhile for it to end.

 

I haven't read all the posts yet but I am wondering if you are certain that his wife did indeed see the email. Didn't you let him know it was there? If I was him, I would have immediately logged in and deleted the email. Are you positive that MM didn't use the fact that your computer sent an email to his account as a way out of the relationship? I am actually wondering if the wife even suspects anything. It's possible that he has an OOW and just wanted to end the relationship.

 

If she did suspect something, chances are she would look at the cell phone records. Did MM say anything to you about what should happen if his wife contacts you?

 

I am sorry that you are hurting. I hope you get to the pissed off stage soon and see what a jerk your MM really is.

[OWoman]

I know you are hurting and I am sorry to hear that. But I doubt that this thing is over by a long shot. If his W doesn't know' date=' [b']and you don't want it to be over,[/b] then there is no stopping him from coming back and you from accepting it.

 

KG I'm sorry you are hurting now - just as I've been sorry for the suffering you've been going through all along in this A. It may be slightly more intense now, but it's just more of what you've been dealing with through the entire A. And so I agree with NID about it not being over. Not because his W doesn't know - that would impact only on MM's participation in the A. But because YOU don't want it to be over - you will keep participating in the A as you have been all along - analysing it, agonising over it, allowing it to disturb you and subvert you and consume you. Even if MM vanished off the face of the earth, permanently, the A would not be over because you are not yet ready or willing to let it go. Whether he returns or not, until you want it over, you will still be trapped in it and by it.

 

Right now you're exactly where you've been all along - hurting from the A, yearning for MM and unable / unwilling to prioritise yourself in your own life. The only difference is that your source of occasional orgasms has dried up, and you'll need to provide your own. Everything else is status quo ante - though using only recycled rather than occasional fresh sources of material to analyse and extract affirmation and agony.

 

Until you're willing and ready to let it go, it's not over.

[SerenityX2]

Kismet,

 

Short of having a crystal ball, I don't think anyone can say if he'll be back or not.

 

Remember when I said my husband said what is he doing this for if he doesn't understand the risk of being caught? At that same convo my husband also mentioned that the reason he probably didn't give you the password to his acct is exactly what people are speculating....that he has other women in there, I didn't mention it then b/c you are adamant that he can't possibly....but honestly what do you really "know" about him keeping in mind he DOES lie to his wife?

 

Going a step further in light of all this. I don't think the wife has a clue. I think that he used it as his out b/c he sees how attached and in love with him that you are and how you want more time with him. I think that's why he was able to play it so cool with you on the phone to "decide" what he wanted to do and why he was able to sound so calm. He's a manipulator. It's rather fishy that he said she found a hair, moreso to make the comment "you smell funny" and now this.....it doesn't really add up.

 

I think he watches too many movies and thinks that's how affairs get busted. And why would you doubt what he tells you his wife thinks or suspects not like you are going to check her story right? That's most likely why he came in person, to feel you out if you were going to go to her, and it's why his face didn't match his words. He was lying, just not about what you think.

 

He's manipulated you from day one ....you say it wasn't sex from the beginning....but yet you did admit to heavy fooling around inc oral. He didn't care how long it actually took to get you in bed, that was part of the fantasy, he had his wife in the meantime.

 

But even if his lines are true, it's just the wife in the email, either way Kismet it makes no difference, he wants out be it for now or forever and you should want to be treated better than that. We can all analyze this thing to death and come up with different takes. Bottom line and facts are you are dealing with a liar, that should be enough to make you forge ahead and start taking care if you and your budding career. If you know nothing else about him, you do know that.

 

It's going to hurt very much no doubt, but it's going to hurt 10x worse the longer you stay on this ride and not allow yourself to move forward.

 

I'm sorry for your pain....take care.

[jj33]

KG we havent heard from you in a few days hope you are doing better day by day.

 

The details of what happened with the emails and his W dont matter really. What matters is that you find the strength to say its over for me. What he wants or doesnt want or wishes he could have are irrelevant.

 

Whether you put it beside you because its exhausted you and you dont have the strength for it, or you give it up because you find the strength to do so, the only thing that matters is that you can say to yourself, no more married men, not even him.

 

Take good care

 

Edited to add: Its very possible his W beleived him. She is home with their 3 small children, not working, he is working hard, life is stressful, she loves him and she trusts him and she wants to believe him. I can imagine if I were in her position I would believe him too. Its just too awful to not believe him so you trust blindly... not everyone is as jaded as we are on these forums.

[whichwayisup]

Its very possible his W beleived him. She is home with their 3 small children, not working, he is working hard, life is stressful, she loves him and she trusts him and she wants to believe him.

 

Just like you Kis, you want to believe there's no OOW around..Well, he gave a tiny hint to it, or implied it enough to make you wonder, or make us all wonder...He's lied and covered his ass, and his wife believes him because she wants to. He's a proven liar, for over 4 years, who knows what else he's lied about. And that goes to you too, you don't want to even consider the thought that he had OOW around. All the time you didn't spend together, you really didn't know where he was..He could easily tell you 'at home' but that doesn't mean he was there..

 

Anyway, I hope you're feeling better, and keeping busy.

[Dexter Morgan]

This conversation is over Dexter, unless you have something releveant to the thread to post. and relevant to the thread means helping me get past this depressing time.

 

You want something to get past the depressing time? Here it is. The MM is an as$hole. Complete and grade-A at that. He was nothing but a cheating, lying mother#$%%^& to mess around on his wife in the first place.

 

he should be, in your mind, a worthless piece of crap and you should realize that he is nothing. hence you should be able to move on. When I realized that about my xW after going through all the gambit of emotions while feeling helpless for the first few weeks, it made it all to easy to make the hurt go away.

 

 

Everyone else feel free to post.

 

I'll feel free as well. Thank you.

[KismetGirl]

Not feeling much better. Woke up this morning and puked for no apparent reason other than the thoughts that were probably running through my head. Didn't go to work....again. Couldn't get out of bed really. I tried to go to work late and guess whose car I saw parked a block away.....yeah, I almost vomited again so I just went home. And lay in bed poring over things in my head and I dont want to do that anymore. Moment of weakness called his voicemail at work and started crying when I heard his voice. Going between angry and sad, having dreams (literally) of driving to his wife and telling everything.

 

Don't want to analyze anymore, really don't. He didn't make up the other stuff...hair on the bed, other email, "you smell funny" etc....she really did find and/or say that stuff....she found the hair on the bed on the third day after the first time he ever kissed me like four years ago. I had to drive to meet him after a Yankees game at 11 pm at night so i could pluck a few strands of hair out of my own head and put it on his sweater to back up his story that he had lent a sweater to his co-worker and the hair must have fallen off the sweater when he got home last night. As much as he's been lying to his wife so long, I find it highly unlikely he was planning an entire detailed four-year affair from day one and crazy ways of one day dropping me if I ever got too attached. That's just too conspiracy-theory and not worth torturing myself over. If I wanted to I could look at every single thing he's said or done in ten different ways over four years. He's just terrible at lying and gets caught alot, and sometimes comes up with stories on the spot but in my opinion none of them are ever really believable....I think his wife just wants to believe them, and there's a difference. don't think it has anything to do with thinking I was getting too attached. The most I did was tell him I wished I could hang out with him more often, never gave him undying declarations of love or anything. And his wife gets suspicious alot because he's not terribly good at covering his tracks. He got better over the years, but I wouldnt by any means say he's really good at it....I dont think he would have ended anything if his wife hadn't found out about this other email account again recently. I mean, the day before she found it, him and I were making our usual plans to see each other that week, everything was normal and lovely as far as he was concerned. he actually said, ironically, that he was going to leave work early so we could have lunch first. Go effing figure huh?. I think he sounded calm on the phone because he was at work and other people were around, and he wanted to see how the weekend went and if he could convince her to calm down. Apparently the weeknd sucked, son's birthday party was marred, he got another guilty-I-need-to-stop-cheating-and-be-more-responsible-and-less-selfish fit, whcih he's had before every time he's gotten significantly caught in a lie, and that's it. I believe he liked the stuff we were doing in bed, because he always said his wife wasn't very eager for sex, and took it home and convinced his wife to do them to see if he could encourage her to try new stuff. I believe that his wife had to have a small inkling that maybe he was straying, or thinking about straying, and that was partially her way of "keeping" him happy at home by partaking in all the "new" things he suggested. It's not like I've never seen anyone do that before....you think your parnter is looking at other women, so you try even harder, at least temporarily, to make yourself look nicer and have sex with him more to attempt to keep him happy. Ever see that Sex and the City movie? Im not partial to the show but was watching it late at night when couldnt sleep and in one part Miranda is telling the rest of them that she hadn't slept with her husband in six months, and then found out he cheated on her. So the other character Charlotte goes home and makes sure to sleep with her husband at least 3 times that week. The movie is otherwise silly and sucked, but it illustrates my point about his wife probably fearing he was going to stray if he hadn't already, and that being the reason for all of a sudden doing all this stuff with him when normally she's not that into it. Im sure she probably did those things, tried to be a happy wife for him. And then caught him in a lie again right in her face, and got upset. And there you go, in a circle, again and again. Except this time Im not sure he's coming back. I really dont think he is. And I feel raw and empty and mad and sad and disgusted and confused and anxious and a million other things. She has to be in SOME denial....not that I blame her, the woman has three kids and a life with him, as well as relying on him for all financial support, even though they are struggling to get by on his salary. As horrible as I feel, i can only imagine how she'd feel if she allowed herself to think he's been doing what he really has been doing for four years....which i guess is partially why im not sure if i should bother telling her.

 

He's f**ked me up royally, he really has. I've never felt htis horrid in my life, not quite in this way, to the point where Im getting physically ill.

 

Sometimes I think maybe theres another OW, sometimes I dont. I'd prefer to convince myself that there isn't. Because obviously thinking that there is is making me mentally and physically worse than I was before. So let's drop it for now. Everyone on here only has what I type to go on, but I have what I type, what I think, what I've experienced and my images of his face and his voice as I've spoken to him, so on that particular topic I am being stretched apart and I see no positive outcome from thinking he had some other OW around, it's honestly making me worse, so when I think of the way he looked at me in a positive way and I want to believe that of anything else, I was the only OW, then ok. No, I can't know ANYTHING for sure, of course not....all I know is the pieces I put together from the life I have before me, I guess. I can't ask again about him having other women. I've asked before in the past, and made it clear I wanted to know if only for health reasons, and he insisted every single time he didn't have the time or energy to have another woman in his life even if he wanted to. However crass, that "two women (me and his wife) was more than he could handle". he admitted to being curious sometimes, but that there haven't been any others. See how crazy Im getting just typing about it? Imagine my head right now. ugh. Listen, you think I dont contemplate that option?? He's still fairly young, the company he works for is a non-stop admission of fresh-out-of-college 22 year-old's (I used to be one of them....the woman in HR who referred me to him for an interview made a joke to him back then that she was sending him "another one" because he had a habit of hiring young, pretty girls), he's pretty cute, I wouldnt be surprised if other chicks flirted with him at work all the time. Im hoping none of them are dumb as me to get involved with a married guy, with three kids now. But I really dont want to think about it anymore. It's destroying me thinking about it. I was ill at the thought of us breaking up again, but I've never had this thought really bother me or taken seriously, and now with everyone talking about it I almost wish I hadn't mentioned that he admitted to me he had photos of someone else in his email, because when I think back to the look on his face and the way he said it, to me it is his way of uncomfortably reminding me that he was f**king his wife as well as me, but to everyone else here from the way I disclose it to you, it seems like he's got another OW. So I guess we will both neve know.

 

I don't want to ramble about it anymore. I feel like I've lost my bloody mind the last few days. I thought I was doing mildly better at keeping stuff together, and not having to take meds because i really hate how they make me feel with side effects, but lately I feel like Im stuck in a hole and the angle of thought regarding analyzing everything he said to me that last day is obviously not helping me get past it. I feel like psycho-girl in my constant desire to go tell his wife everything, and its balanced out with my rational thinking that that isn't ME to want to go do that out of sheer spite.

 

The last four days have bee hell mentally and Im desperatly trying to figure out a way of thinking to get past it, because thinking too much about it makes me...just ill.

 

Thank you for checking in on me....I dont know what to say anymore at this point....seems like my story is over and therefor probably not that interesting to anyone anymore but I guess I'll keep intermittently posting and if I wake up one day magically refreshed and feeling better, which i really hope happens, then I'll let you know too...otherwise will just keep rambling to myself, I guess, even if no one else listens after a while....thanks....

[KismetGirl]

You want something to get past the depressing time? Here it is. The MM is an as$hole. Complete and grade-A at that. He was nothing but a cheating, lying mother#$%%^& to mess around on his wife in the first place.

 

he should be, in your mind, a worthless piece of crap and you should realize that he is nothing. hence you should be able to move on. When I realized that about my xW after going through all the gambit of emotions while feeling helpless for the first few weeks, it made it all to easy to make the hurt go away.

 

 

 

 

 

I'll feel free as well. Thank you.

 

Maybe I'll feel that way in a few weeks. Im mad at him but not enough to just up and forget it just yet. Not everyone heals the same way. I asked you kindly to be easy on me because I was feeling horribly, if you dont want to , fine, do what you want i dont have energy to argue right now.

[Dexter Morgan]

I asked you kindly to be easy on me because I was feeling horribly, if you dont want to , fine, do what you want i dont have energy to argue right now.

 

And what part of my last post wasn't "easy" on you? Looks like the only one I was "hard" on was the MM.

[SerenityX2]

Kismet like I said I'm sorry for your pain I really am. I don't think you'd garner 100's of posts if people didn't care and want to see you out of this pain.

 

Okay....Like I said, anything is plausible at this point b/c you are dealing with a liar. Maybe him having you come over to "plant" hairs on a sweater shows how redeeming he is to want to save whatever it is to you....but honestly it really does show you the lengths he will go to lie to whomever he must at the time.

 

It's pointless I guess to mention that the same way you refuse to see that he "could" have OW b/c it hurts too much PLUS he tells you he doesn't....is very well a reason the reason that his wife believes him too even if she has suspected, not b/c she prefers denial but b/c this guy goes out of his way to prove his lies in his favor. I don't understand how you see it one way for yourself b/c of what he said, but you don't think that applies to her as well.

 

Kismet please, please don't do this to yourself over him. And yes, at this point it's what you are allowing the thoughts to do, not what he has done. You can't control others...you know that.

 

Your post scares me for your med future, it really does. Kismet I know you don't feel you're ready and are hanging on by a thread but you're right, it's constantly turning all these thoughts around in your head that are doing you in. Regardless of where the truth lies in this, the bottom line is the guy is no good for you.

 

Other women or not, sexy pics w/W or not, this is a guy that started the full on sex with you just 2 weeks after his last was born, Kismet he told you he has no reason except that he is a selfish pr!ck. They say when someone tells you something about themselves....listen.

 

This is not a reflection on you. No it's not fair but that's the chance you take when thinking you can come out unscathed from an A. It's impossible as you know. Take your life back Kismet....you're in the fight for your life now. What's more important? Letting some jacka$$ take away your future or getting your med career on track. You hold the answers Kismet, he can only destroy you if YOU let him.

 

I'm rooting for you. Rest....then get mad....then FIGHT for your life back.

[Athena]

 

He's f**ked me up royally, he really has.

 

 

He did this to you? What were you expecting him to do? Didn't he and you go into this affair with your eyes wide open? You knowing he was a MM and that he told you he was going to remain married?

 

Why do you say HE f**ked you up? Were you not doing your part. At least he wasn't lying to you (unlike what he is doing to his W), at least you knew exactly where you stood with him.

Of course you wanted him to choose you eventually. I understand that hope you had. But why do you view this affair as him effing you over? That I do not get...

[KismetGirl]

He did this to you? What were you expecting him to do? Didn't he and you go into this affair with your eyes wide open? You knowing he was a MM and that he told you he was going to remain married?

 

Why do you say HE f**ked you up? Were you not doing your part. At least he wasn't lying to you (unlike what he is doing to his W), at least you knew exactly where you stood with him.

Of course you wanted him to choose you eventually. I understand that hope you had. But why do you view this affair as him effing you over? That I do not get...

 

I think you are looking at that statement from the wrong angle, and I suspect I know why which is why I have the quote I have as my signature so it's ok...

 

If i had gone into this A thinking rationally, i dont think i would have gone into it at all.

 

And yes, he was more "honest" with me than his W for obvious reasons but that doesnt mean that he didnt in some way f**k me up emotionally, mentally, etc. I hope that makes sense somehow.

 

Just because someone physically and consciously chose to engage in something, doesn't mean it can't very badly affect them, physically and/or mentally.

 

Drug addicts choose to pick up the needle, but it's far more complicated than just choosing to physically do the drug, now is it. And that f**ks them up royally, as I see on a daily basis at work, but I certainly don't tell them "what the hell are you whining about, you did this to yourself". I do, to an extent, make them take responsibility, as I take responsibility for my choice to be in this A, but it doesnt mean the mental repercussions should rationally be non-existant just because you at some point made a choice to engage in something....

[jj33]

Its easy for others to say that one should expect pain. And easy to say dont look back.

 

The thing is it is a searing mindnumbing pain. Even if you know in your heart it may end one day, it still hurts more for whatever reason than the ending of a normal relationship between 2 single people. Probably because it seems to end before either party has fallen out of love.

 

KG the thing is it does hurt and it will hurt, and the memories of what you hoped to have and the moments you did share will linger on for some time. Once the initial shock subsides, the pain will come and go. Im not the poster girl for getting over the A quickly others can probably give you better advice in that department.

 

But in time it will subside. Its just getting through the next few months, focusing on your exams and knowing that you have other priorities right now. Taking time in little chunks. Telling yourself you must study for half an hour, then taking a break for 5-10 minutes but promising yourself you will focus for that half an hour. Building discipline against giving in letting your mind wander back to what happened.

 

You will have to face the car down the block, you will have to go to work. Hopefully you wont have to see him there. But you can do it. This is painful but can do it.

[Athena]

but it doesnt mean the mental repercussions should rationally be non-existant just because you at some point made a choice to engage in something....

 

Of course the mental repercussions are painful -- mind-searingly painful! I get that.... I just didn't understand what else you expected your MM to do?

He was about to get caught, of course he ended it with you... that's what he's done before, that's what he told you he would do if his M was in danger, that's what you expected as well... but I don't understand why you see him as F***ing you over?! He enjoyed your relationship while he could, then when things got too hot, he chose to end it. Of course you are in pain(!) but why do you blame him?

 

I did scroll back up to see your signature again, and I don't get how it pertains to me advising you not to blame MM... ? So -- I see myself as in charge of my decisions, therefore I expect you to see yourself in charge of your decisions and to accept the outcome and not to blame others? Is that what you mean? Not fighting you here... dunno if it comes across as fighting you, but I am not.

I just don't want to see you put yourself in the victim role (read: helpless) by seeing HIM as doing *this* to you.

[jj33]

Athena it takes a long time. Eventually I think most people end up turning the anger inward (how could I have done this to myself how could I have put myself in this position). But it takes time. And for someone who is very adept as turning anger inward as I suspect KG is, doing that initially may not be the best thing.

 

And hard as it is to explain you make a lot of assumptions when you are in love with someone who is married and the things that seem obvious from the outside dont seem obvious. If they were you would get out as soon as you jumped in.

 

Its only been 3 days in time KG may see it all very differently.

 

Even now I have days where I wish Id never met him and other days when I cant imagine what my life would be like if I hadnt. Many people find themselves vulnerable to an A when they are going through a difficult time and often (not always) the A serves some purpose regardless of the pain the morality and the rest of it.

 

But it takes time to see that. When you are only a few days out of it, often nothing makes sense.

 

KG just take care of yourself. You dont need to understand it all today. You just need to get through the next few days and get back to work and do what needs to be done like your studying.

[Athena]

When my H fell in love with his seventh OW, he surprised himself... of course he thought he would get away unscathed every time... when his work contract there ended after a year and a half, they broke up at the airport, and he came back home where he moped around for a few weeks, until he left his photographs of her on the computer for me to see...

 

Then the $hit hit the fan! His moping stopped as he paused to deal with the real danger of divorce in his M, then two weeks later more pain as he found out from his buddy back in Asia, that the buddy was now dating my H's ex OW.

 

Fast forward six months... H was back in that same country, same town, same building on a different contract... one night his exOW and a friend of hers had gotten drunk at some bar, and exOW phoned H! (her boyfriend was out of the country, and she claims she and the friend couldn't find a taxi to take them home). So -- off goes H to save the ladies in distress... he picks them up from the bar, drives them to the friend's apartment, and apparently the exOW's friend invites my H upstairs for 'a drink' -- so he accepts (he can't say 'no' to anyone except me apparently).

He goes upstairs and has a drink, and then the exOW's friend starts berating H about 'doing that' to her friend, that he 'used' her, then 'dumped' her... and how disgusting he was to do that... and all the while exOW who was on her ear from being drunk, tried to 'defend' him by saying, "No, he told me right from the beginning he was in love with his wife, that he would never leave her, that he likes his marriage, etc etc"... but still, her friend figuratively beat H over the head with all the wrongs he had done...

 

hmmm.... maybe when I read you Kismet, blaming your MM for f**king you over, maybe I thought of the same situation with my H and his OW? Yes, she was the one who cried for two weeks after H left her in her country, so she was the one who was 'left behind' and 'hurt' and 'alone' so her friend saw right to blame H!

Meanwhile, if you ask me, she wasn't that stupid, nor that innocent... since my husband was the Second married man she (OW) had been involved with! Years before she had a dramatic affair with a MM and even followed him back to his country and worked for him in his business all the while he remained married to his wife and would not leave W, until this OW realized this after two years and went back to her own country.... then she did this with another married man... -- my H. But since her friend could only see her crying, she turned on H and only blamed HIM!

<shrug>

 

My H didn't f**k her over! He spelled everything out to her -- the terms of their A was mutually understood... granted, she fell in love with him, and he with her, but when the time came to come home, that's what he did! OW surely couldn't have been shocked at his decision?! I get that she 'hoped' for more, that she wished he would choose her over me, but on what grounds? He never said that, always said the opposite... what did she expect? I do feel sorry for her, and I do think my H is a $hit for having affairs, but when I think of an OW who is NOT being lied to, turning around and blaming the married man for 'f**king' them up royally, I just don't get THAT...

[KismetGirl]

When my H fell in love with his seventh OW, he surprised himself... of course he thought he would get away unscathed every time... when his work contract there ended after a year and a half, they broke up at the airport, and he came back home where he moped around for a few weeks, until he left his photographs of her on the computer for me to see...

 

Then the $hit hit the fan! His moping stopped as he paused to deal with the real danger of divorce in his M, then two weeks later more pain as he found out from his buddy back in Asia, that the buddy was now dating my H's ex OW.

 

Fast forward six months... H was back in that same country, same town, same building on a different contract... one night his exOW and a friend of hers had gotten drunk at some bar, and exOW phoned H! (her boyfriend was out of the country, and she claims she and the friend couldn't find a taxi to take them home). So -- off goes H to save the ladies in distress... he picks them up from the bar, drives them to the friend's apartment, and apparently the exOW's friend invites my H upstairs for 'a drink' -- so he accepts (he can't say 'no' to anyone except me apparently).

He goes upstairs and has a drink, and then the exOW's friend starts berating H about 'doing that' to her friend, that he 'used' her, then 'dumped' her... and how disgusting he was to do that... and all the while exOW who was on her ear from being drunk, tried to 'defend' him by saying, "No, he told me right from the beginning he was in love with his wife, that he would never leave her, that he likes his marriage, etc etc"... but still, her friend figuratively beat H over the head with all the wrongs he had done...

 

hmmm.... maybe when I read you Kismet, blaming your MM for f**king you over, maybe I thought of the same situation with my H and his OW? Yes, she was the one who cried for two weeks after H left her in her country, so she was the one who was 'left behind' and 'hurt' and 'alone' so her friend saw right to blame H!

Meanwhile, if you ask me, she wasn't that stupid, nor that innocent... since my husband was the Second married man she (OW) had been involved with! Years before she had a dramatic affair with a MM and even followed him back to his country and worked for him in his business all the while he remained married to his wife and would not leave W, until this OW realized this after two years and went back to her own country.... then she did this with another married man... -- my H. But since her friend could only see her crying, she turned on H and only blamed HIM!

<shrug>

 

My H didn't f**k her over! He spelled everything out to her -- the terms of their A was mutually understood... granted, she fell in love with him, and he with her, but when the time came to come home, that's what he did! OW surely couldn't have been shocked at his decision?! I get that she 'hoped' for more, that she wished he would choose her over me, but on what grounds? He never said that, always said the opposite... what did she expect? I do feel sorry for her, and I do think my H is a $hit for having affairs, but when I think of an OW who is NOT being lied to, turning around and blaming the married man for 'f**king' them up royally, I just don't get THAT...

 

I didn't say he f**ked me over. I said he f**ked me up in the head. There's a difference.

 

I tried explaining it once already. I understand why you might not understand how I explain it, but if I explain it in the same way ten more times it's just going to be tiring and im not sure you'll understand what Im trying to say then either.

 

No matter how much I saw anything coming, or didnt see it coming, or should have seen it coming, it makes nothing hurt less, it makes me no less emotinally vulnerable to the impact this A had on me.

 

If I told you that your H has cheated many times before and you should be used to it by now, would it make it hurt any less for you? No, Im sure it wouldnt. Im sure every time you find out he lies to you you are hurt the same as the first time you found out he lied, even though by now you shouldn't be surprised anymore. Because even though you know what he does, it hurts all the same. Rationally has no bearing on emotions alot of the time. Just because he told me he liked being married, doesn't mean that four years of being invested with someone is easily forgotten, or that it doesn't "f**k me up" mentally. You are mistaking this phrase for meaning I was somehow surprised by his actions- that is not what I said. I said this A, and him as a part of this A, have done a number on my current emotional and mental status, thus , he has "f**ked me up". Am I making a better explanation now? I sure hope so because I dont know how else to say it.

 

Don't see why peope don't get that....but it is what it is and at the end of the day I can't make anyone SEE my point any more than the black and white words on this screen, which admittadly don't always do a good job of transmitting everything Im trying to portray. I can assure you i am quite adept at channeling my anger inwards as well as outwards, as JJ said, and if I let myself do it completely right now and make him as if he has no part in this matter, I may explode. Because he has a large part in this matter, and giving me the disclaimer that he wanted to stay married in the bginning is irrelevant and doesn't make the whole thing ok. C'est la vie.

[Die Hard]

Kismet, the most important thing right now is for you to realize is that the ill and sick way you are feeling right now is TOTALLY NORMAL!! I know how bad it is, words cannot really describe. I felt like I had the flu for the first two months away from the married woman I was seeing. I felt COMPLETELY physically sick along with the mental pain.

 

It's your brain's way of trying to get what it wants: contact with the other man and the rush that goes along with that contact. There is only ONE way to get past these feelings and that is by continuing down the path of no contact AT ALL. If this guy tries to contact you PLEASE do not speak with him. All these feelings of connection to him and feelings of being left behind etc.., will pass if you give it time and you'll see things in a whole new way. You are going to have ups and downs regarding your emotions but just keep remembering that's it's NORMAL and expected. After the first 6 months I started having days in a row that I would be fine, then several days later it would all hit me again and I would be so depressed because I thought I was getting better. The truth was I WAS getting better it just takes time and the realization that all these feelings and the coming and going rollercoaster type feelings were just part of the process.

 

I'm not trying to pretend I'm some ending affair expert or anything, it's just that I've been EXACTLY where you are. EXACTLY.

 

Here's the kicker: had the MW I was seeing called me during the first six months, I'd have answered and been happy to get involved again. She did call once early on but thank god she chickened out and hung up before I could answer. I was able to continue healing. THEN, she did call several months later, and this time she wanted to talk desperately but I was FINALLY in a place where I could say no. It was the most empowering feeling EVER. Not only that, but getting past that affair made me a stronger person and it will do the same for you. You will be stronger, wiser and dare I say, even HAPPIER than you've ever been because you will simply be thankful for having your life back. I know this all seems like a fantasy right now to you, but it's your REALITY if you stick with this and make sure it stays over and done with.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you and he's stuck in a marriage he doesn't even respect. He's stuck where he's at forever, and for you....the whole world is your oyster!!!!!!!!! Trust me on this: YOU are the lucky one ...not him!!! You have everything, he's got nothing but his same old whacked out life that will never be healthy and you can do ANYTHING you want with your life!!!! Someday you are going to meet a man and fall in love and thank all that is holy that you managed to find him, and the idea of still being with the MM is what will make you sick to your stomach then!!

[Dexter Morgan]

I didn't say he f**ked me over. I said he f**ked me up in the head. There's a difference.

 

Can you imagine what his wife goes through? Consider yourself lucky, you aren't married to him and don't have to worry whether you should stay with him or not. He is a sorry ass excuse for a man.

[Athena]

Am I making a better explanation now? I sure hope so because I dont know how else to say it.

 

 

Yes, I understand you now... thanks for the explanation, I do see what you are saying... in your head, not his actions coming as a surprise.

Of course explaining something in a different way sometimes does the trick.

 

Kismet, if it helps you to get him out of your heart, understand he was always being selfish in this affair.

Unlike you, who was trying to make a happy future together, he was in it simply for the present and for the good feelings he got out of your relationship. He enjoyed you, he enjoyed the good times, and now he's on his way once more.... please make sure you NEVER let him back into your life again.

[Athena]

Can you imagine what his wife goes through? Consider yourself lucky, you aren't married to him and don't have to worry whether you should stay with him or not. He is a sorry ass excuse for a man.

 

As are all other serial cheating husbands... mine included... the same one who is sweet-talking me today, and yesterday, and the day before, to go live with him in Asia, and to be together for always...:mad:

[jwi71]

KG,

 

Just live and survive these days.

I don't know what that is or even how to do it.

Eat, drink, breathe, sleep, live.

 

STOP SKIPPING WORK. Talk about time slowing to a crawl staring at the four walls of home. Go back to work. Don't crumple up like this.

 

Is there something you have put off doing or quit doing? Consider picking it up or doing it. For instance...I quit flying years ago. Dunno why...got married and it seemed to simply fall away. Now I try to fly twice a month.

[awkward]

I think with you asking to spend more time with him (about the drinks) and you already saying that "word" (the pink elephant in the room) that he wanted it to end. You think you were nonchalant about your love for him, but I doubt he saw it that way. Just because you refer to love as that word doesn't change the meaning. I believe he has an OOW and it is probably new. I also don't think his wife has a clue about you. Not even a little clue.

 

I understand that it is easier for you RIGHT NOW to believe you were the only one. But you have been living like this for a long time. Believing the easier stuff that is. Pretty soon you will be pissed, especially if you find out that he has been lying to you like he has been lying to his wife. I can't wait for that day. That's the day you will start healing because you will know in your heart and mind that you can't let this bottom feeder back into your life.

 

Sure the hair strand thing probably happened. It was 4 years ago and in the beginning. But I don't believe the email thing. He is smart and a smart person would have immediately deleted it. He is a terrible liar? He cheated for 4 years and never got caught. He sounds like a great liar who looks like they cannot lie well. I mean that's the best type of liar there is. He lied to his wife and to you. His wife bought it and you bought it. I think he is a great liar.

 

IMO his wife doesn't know he was cheating with you nor that he is cheating with someone else (if he is). The few times he leaves for work early is not a lot of evidence to know someone must be cheating. And 4 years ago she found a hair strand that you helped him cover up. Well that's a pretty plausible excuse and I don't think she is thinking about that anymore. You said yourself that he comes straight home from work every day. (And I doubt he does seriously. He could be stealing kisses with his new pretty subordinate.) Why would she think he is cheating? He seems pretty good at making her think he isn't.

 

IF she thought he was cheating, she WOULD check the cell phone bills. I pay the cell phone bills. I don't check the call logs because I don't have any reason to suspect my husband is cheating. If I did suspect it, even if he paid the bills, I would get copies of them so quick his head would spin.

 

I think you need to get up, dust yourself off, take a shower and start living your life. Get back to work and go to school. Don't let MM ruin your life a day longer.

 

I don't know your MM, obviously. But I think you don't know him either. You want to believe certain things and spin them to make yourself believe it. For example, his dull sex life at home doesn't sound so dull. Yet you were convinced that their relationship was that of siblings with the wife occasionally letting the MM do her out of duty. AH but now we know the wife is doing the nasty with her hubby and they are taking photographs too. So now you are willing to ignore all the analyzing and excuses you gave us to his relationship with his wife because it is easier to believe that he is screwing his wife and not OOW. Just because he was screwing you doesn't mean his wife wasn't good enough. So if he has an OOW it won't make you not good enough. Do you see what I mean? It means he is just a lousy man who lies and does what he wants.

 

He LIED to you KG. The sooner you accept that this isn't a romantic love story of two people who met at the wrong time the better. You are a good person who made some bad choices. You can move past this. Start living again. He isn't concerned about your mental health right now. But we are. I am not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to help you.

 

And I'm still in the camp for telling his wife. Let her know. Find your answers. I'd bet you money that his wife doesn't know jack crap about any email from you.

[White Flower]

 

I understand that it is easier for you RIGHT NOW to believe you were the only one. But you have been living like this for a long time. Believing the easier stuff that is. Pretty soon you will be pissed, especially if you find out that he has been lying to you like he has been lying to his wife. I can't wait for that day. That's the day you will start healing because you will know in your heart and mind that you can't let this bottom feeder back into your life.

 

He isn't concerned about your mental health right now. But we are. I am not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to help you.

 

I'd bet you money that his wife doesn't know jack crap about any email from you.

Wow, what an observant post. I must agree on all counts.

 

This guy is covering his own a$$ and for his own agenda.

[KismetGirl]

Everyone has been so gung ho about there being another OW that I finally just momentarily lost my mind and emailed him again, this time asking him for copies of all the photos he has taken of me, and saying "well, when you said 'you werent the only woman around' i had difficulty discering whether you meant me and wife, or me, wife and others, and in either event i'd appreciate knowing that you're not the only one with photos of the two of us floating around, and if it would "make your life easier" i'd be more than happy to go into the email and forward everything to myself if you give me the password. So just go ahead and delete what photos of other women you dont want me to see and let me go in there and take/delete my own photos for myself as you had previously promised to send them to me anyway and have apparently forgotten".

 

That email was completely not in my nature to write and sitting here listeinging to every conspiracy theory on all the other women he must have has seriously made me mildly insane today and i seriously regret just sending that effing email but too late now. ugh.