It's all over

[norajane]

it's almost a relief sometimes when I think I dont have to worry every day or every week of making time to see MM, and wondering if he'll get in trouble that week, or blah blah blah.

 

I think that threat of "the ending" loomed over me for so much of the A that it drove me a little insane, always wondering "is it over this week? next week?"

 

Now its just over, no more guessing on what is next.

 

This feeling of relief will grow and grow over time, until one day you will feel so free and like you dropped a 1000 pound weight off your shoulders! You will feel so refreshed and excited about the prospect of truly LIVING your life, rather than merely existing between one meeting with him to the next.

 

The fresh air and color and JOY will come into your life, along with the relief. Just have faith and give it time.

[whichwayisup]

Forget dating right now, you're not into it..

 

Focus all your energy, good and bad, into your studying. Time to buckle down and kick some @SS! Don't let all this ruin your final grade - Infact, use this to prove that you CAN continue on and do well without him in your life.

 

Great idea about going away, a change of scenery is probably exactly what you need, plus, it'll make studying easier without the distractions around you.

 

Stay strong Kis!

[Owl]

Thinking about this, I think the timing of all of this is actually GOOD, not bad.

 

You're FORCED to focus on prepping for your tests/etc...rather than have the luxury of sitting around pining.

 

By the time you're able to get your head up outta the books, you'll already be well on your way to healing.

[pelicanpreacher]

Hey KG,

 

Glad to see you emerging from the "fog" so to speak. I've been thinking of the revelation you discovered when you found out that your OM shared special acts specific to your intimacy between the two of you with his wife and it yet confirms my suspicion of your OM's true feelings and intentions toward you. One overriding reaction you bespoke of was feeling ill at the notion that what he did with you was shared with his wife.

 

This was your gut recoiling to the awful truth that he may have only used you to inspire greater love, admiration, intimacy, and devotion from his own wife at your secret expense. Though you might be, superficially, his preferable partner, the fact that he took from your relationship to enliven his marriage but never reciprocated to re-enforce your relationship with new or special intimacies his wife may have enjoyed or experimented with speaks volumes about which relationship he's more possesive of, places more emphasis upon, and truly cherishes.

 

Though all of this may be a result of his need to protect himself from the fear of deportation, even so, you still and shall always remain the least person on his list he cares about dissappointing. Trust your gut KG for "if you think long you think wrong"!

[pikachu67]

i feel so much for you because i am currently in the exact same situation as you had been. my bf (he pursued me first!) is married with kids, i am divorced. we've been together for more than 2 years now. in the beginning, everything was rosy, he'd make promises to be with me as soon as the children finished school, we had so much in common, there was no doubt that we were so meant for each other then. he told me then that he and his wife were drifting apart and he was sure that he would want to spend the rest of his life with me after getting a divorce. I had no doubt we loved each other truly.

 

lately, he's been giving me mixed signals. he has become so fearful of his wife that he now denies to her that we are still together, he gets pissed so easily with me, and now telling me he wont do anything to break the childrens' hearts. we've broken up countless times (each time, he initiated them) only to get back together because i pulled us back together.

 

i feel so used, so drained, so taken for granted, it's like what you said "yeah, i am sort of like a free prostitute to him" and he can call it quits anytime he feels like it. i am sure alot of people out there will condemn me for being in this situation but why do we get the blame all the time while the man and his wife are considered the victims? i have been hurt so many times that i cry myself to sleep. i want to let go but it's so hard to let go because i truly love him. why do people change? i just hope God will give me the strength to give this up. i know i cant go on feeling sad and miserable. i hate myself! and yes, contrary to what others might think, YES, i do feel terrible causing grief to the wife and family! is this type of relationship doomed to fail 100%?

[wildsoul]

...it's almost a relief sometimes when I think I dont have to worry every day or every week of making time to see MM, and wondering if he'll get in trouble that week, or blah blah blah...

Amen. I'm ahead of you by about 5 weeks, and let me tell you that while I'm still grieving on some days, I'm really appreciating the relief of only worrying about myself right now.

 

I used to feel that xSM was the only source of happiness I had in an extremely difficult phase of my life (mostly economic stress.) But that wasn't entirely true. His problems and the simmering question of will he really get divorced and will he really follow thru on his words to me was draining!

 

Having that looming question removed is like having a thorn removed. You get so used to overlooking the pain, that when it's gone, the relief is a surprise! Feels good!

 

You're making great progress KG!

[wildsoul]

i feel so much for you because i am currently in the exact same situation as you had been.

There are many people here that would like to respond to you, but won't unless you start your own thread. So please consider doing that.

[Reggie]

Thank God , it's over. Get a ton of therapy, now.

[jj33]

KG Im glad you are doing better. It really is SO much easier being out of it than it is being in it. Even if you miss him its still not as painful as the rollercoaster of the A.

 

Hope the studying is going well.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

[KismetGirl]

Amen. I'm ahead of you by about 5 weeks, and let me tell you that while I'm still grieving on some days, I'm really appreciating the relief of only worrying about myself right now.

 

I used to feel that xSM was the only source of happiness I had in an extremely difficult phase of my life (mostly economic stress.) But that wasn't entirely true. His problems and the simmering question of will he really get divorced and will he really follow thru on his words to me was draining!

 

Having that looming question removed is like having a thorn removed. You get so used to overlooking the pain, that when it's gone, the relief is a surprise! Feels good!

 

You're making great progress KG!

 

Thanks WS and JJ

 

It is better in many ways to be out of it, but the residual pain and loneliness...it still finds its way back. I still have dreams, I find myself occasionally drifting into daydreams and have to smack myself (figuratively) back into reality and tell myself to just stop, it's over, he's not in my life anymore, that's it. My friends make jokes that he'll be back , if not now then in a few years when his kids get older, but I really dont think so.

 

I've been having some decent days, but then some days it seems like I think about him alot, despite that simmering relief of not worrying about the fear of getting caught, of the "oh i wonder if he'll call me/see me/email me this week"....I still miss him I guess. I did a good job of ignoring thoughts about him and busying myself for a few weeks, but the last week and a half or so for some reason thoughts have turned alot to him....mostly feeling like I miss him, wondering if he's thought about me or missed me at all, and then I try to push those thoughts out of my head again.

 

I think I may have some form of PMDD, as these thoughts have come about and my mood much worse around the time of my period. My psychiatrist things its hormones since all the psych meds never seem to work well for me, and it would make sense, I guess, as it seems to come in cycles. It's far beyond just PMS, I'll tell you that. But I digress....most people don't take that sort of thing seriously if they are unaware of what it really entails. They think Im just being a silly PMS'ing girl. anyway.... Im focusing on therapy without the meds right now. I take the occasional anxiety thing but mostly I've just been trying to focus on better thoughts. Started going to the gym again, volunteered for projects at work, studying more intensely. And I do think I am doing better slowly, slowly, slowly....but I also think I have a ways to go. It's ok though...I'll get through it, I always do. I think this feeling of loneliness I've sort of put in my head is the most straining right now and I wish I knew how to get rid of it but Im guessing nothing but time and/or meeting someone new will do that.

 

Just like you said, it was like, despite all the pain that is so obvious in hindsight, he was, weirdly, something to look forward to. Ive been so disatisfied with my life the past couple years, I'm in this very "in between" phase of things where Im trying to figure out how I want my life to go and its frustrating. Many of my friends are getting married, buying houses, for godsake my first friend to have a child will be this year! One of my best friends told me his wife is pregnant. He'll be the first of all my friends that are my age to have a kid. It's just surreal....this is the time when everyone starts to seem like they are really, truly, "growing up" (with the whole marriage/house/kids thing), and I am no where near any of that. Granted, Im only 26, but it seems like everything is changing so much. I have to tell you, my mid-20's have been the most confusing point in my life thus far. I miss the days of being a student in undergrad when my whole future seemed full of possibility, and even though I had no idea what i was doing it didn't matter. But lately I havent felt that way, just frustration- in my job, my financial state, everything. And MM was a distraction, and I really did love him. He was also a source of (admittadly quite fantastic) physical release, among other things. My heart and head hasn't been into the dating scene since we broke up (despite a few dates....just realized I wasnt really into it), and since Im sort of over the whole one-night-stand phase of college life, I'm ridiculously sexually frustrated at the moment which isn't helping things! In a moment of weakness (and two bottles of wine) I ended up sleeping with a friend of mine who I used to date when we went to college together, as me and him were hanging out one night and i thought, what the hell, why not, its not like we haven't slept together before (even though its been years), and I was so bored I should have just read a book, but I guess I was feeling frustrated and lonely and etc. and was looking for some rebound nooky *sigh* Not that he did anything wrong, my head is just not over MM and just not in the right place for that sort of thing right now I guess. It's kind of an annoyance...Im massively frustrated physically, but don't really enjoy it when Im not into the person, and just can't seem to be "into" anyone right now! Catch 22, I guess.

 

but, Ive been trying to focus on work, the new project I'm spearheading at my clinic, on studying for my exam in july. I got a ticket to go to California for a few days, talk to friends, etc etc. It's mostly when Im alone that I start thinking about him I guess....but I suppose only time will help that. God knows it feels like its been ages since I last saw him, but in actuality its only been...what....less than two months at this point.

 

Thanks for the kind words, I hope you all are doing well in your healing as well

[whichwayisup]

You're doing great KG! It'll get easier as time goes on.

 

My friends make jokes that he'll be back , if not now then in a few years when his kids get older, but I really dont think so.

 

I would hope that in 2 or 3 years time IF he does contact you, you'll be completely over him and NOT tempted to re-start the affair. Hopefully too, in 2-3 years time you'll be with a great guy.

[norajane]

I have to tell you, my mid-20's have been the most confusing point in my life thus far. I miss the days of being a student in undergrad when my whole future seemed full of possibility, and even though I had no idea what i was doing it didn't matter. But lately I havent felt that way, just frustration

 

I have to smile at that, because your mid-20's is hardly the end of your life. There's so much ahead of you. And now that you are on your way to being free of the weight that's been dragging you down, you will be free to get on with living, truly living your life.

 

Don't look at your friends who are married and having children now and be depressed. We all travel through life at our own pace, down our own road. Some of us spend too long lost on a side trail, but you've found the main road again and are on your way. Give it time. You'll feel excited about the possibilities for your future again. You will.

[willing]

Did you move your exam to end July? I thought it was at the end of May:confused:

[jj33]

You sound really good KG. Its hard but better to focuss on the PMDD and other issues than to have MM as a distraction for that. The lonliness is what keeps you in it but its still better because soon you will be in a position to consider other people.

 

Lately I have found myself noticing other men and realized I dont even notice when they notice me. The other evening someone who was with a good friend of xMMs made some overture towards me and I didnt notice it until someone mentioned it to me afterwards. I thouhgt he was just making conversation.

 

My initial thought was that xMM would be so hurt if I got involved with a someone he knew but... then my friend and I laughed - he made his choice and I was hurt so ? It would take a lot for me to get involved with someone he knew but its no longer beyond the realm of possibilities...

[Owl]

I'd suggset that what you're suffering right now isn't PMDD or so much "hormone" related.

 

It's withdrawl.

 

The affair was a drug. It was an addiction.

 

You're suffering through the normal physical/emotional/mental symptoms that any addict suffers at the loss of their "drug of choice'.

 

The good news...it fades. It's not forever. As much as it feels like it is right now...it's not.

 

As far as your..."frustration"...well, its no different than the vast majority of the remaining BILLIONS of people on the planet go through as well...you go through ups and downs on this through your life...it's a "dry spell".

 

Hang in there...this is all just a passing phase in your life.

[delirious]

Hello Kismet I just read your posts with interest as I have just joined. I was particularly interested in the following quote from you:

 

'I keep thinking about the look on his face when he was talking, and telling him that his face confused me. He'd asked me why, and I'd told him because the way he spoke and his words didnt match his face. He didnt know what i was talking about....but meant that he looked as if he was upset to be telling me those things, but said them anyway..............."

 

I had the same experience, it was strange how you said my exact words that I told my friend when my mm tried to finish with me, his face did not match what he was saying, afterwards he held me really tight and said "oh god" like he was having a 'moment' (not sexual), so his words and his actions did not at all correspond, almost like a really bad actor. In fact my mm even laughed (weird I know but not real laughter - more nervous) when he said we could not keep doing this.

 

With regard to both mms - I am sure it is because he was doing something he really did not want to do. It must have been a real battle for his mind.

 

Good luck, I am glad I have not been in for four years though - 8 months has killed me enough.

[wildsoul]

Great to hear from you, KG! I was hoping you were moving along, and you are! Grieving is a process. So is withdrawal. Just keep on striking that balance between processing your feelings, but not dwelling or going backwards.

 

Some interesting news to report on the path ahead. There's a beautiful spot here, where WOW! being single again feels good. I know it's hard to believe from your vantage point in the grief pit. But it's amazing. All I want to do is spend time with friends, lots of them, and the freedom is so nice that I'm not interested in getting tangled up with a BF. You'll see. Compared to all the feelings of powerlessness, this feels nourishing and content.

 

See you up this way soon.

[lovekillsslowly]

Hi KG,

 

It's been a month since your original post and I hope that you are doing better!

 

It has been 8 days for me of NC with the MM I was involved with for 10 months. We wanted each other for the past six years. During that time we never held hands, kissed each other, hugged, NOTHING and we fought those feelings for all that time and even went 2 years with NC trying to keep ourselves faithful in our current marriages. But eventually we both caved in to wants and desires. And what did it get me??? Heartache. So I'm done and I must admit that it feels really good to be in control of my own life again! To know that when I wake up in the morning I am going to be in the same stable, happy mood that I was when I go to bed that night and not have to wonder anymore what kind of an emotional roller coaster I'm going to end the day with due to his phone calls that always consisted of emotions and mixed messages. Some days he'd want to see me...other days he felt guilt and stress and wanted to work on his marriage...the next day he'd be back to wanting to see me again...blah, blah, blah. He made his choice. He chose to work on his marriage but "still wants us to be friends and talk on the phone because after everything we've been through and everything we've talked about it would be really weird to not talk to me anymore." Whatever. The hidden message in what he says is this...if it doesn't work out with his wife then he has kept me around...stringing me along by keeping me as a "phone buddy" and preventing myself to move on with my life and hopefully I will give him another chance if he finds out he made the wrong choice. I'm not going to be his sloppy seconds. Period. So I changed my e-mail address and I keep my cell phone turned off. People can leave voice messages if they need to talk to me and I will return their calls. But not his.

 

I try to count my blessings...we never got caught...our spouses, kids and family members never found out...we don't hate each other...and after six years of questions we now have answers to everything. Now I know and now I can move on...happily and IN CONTROL of my life!

[delirious]

I think you are kidding yourself that you are in control of your life after 8 days. I wish I was. What are you on?

[lovekillsslowly]

Sorry you think I'm fooling myself. I'm not. I'm the type of person that will tolerate a lot of bulls**t from someone but when I decide I'm done

then I'm done.

 

For 10 months I was on an emotional roller coaster ride with that MM. He'd call every day...sometimes several times a day...he'd want to see me...we'd see each other...do whatever...and then the next time we'd talk he would either be really happy and fine with our relationship or he'd sit there and talk about all the guilt and stress he was feeling. Back and forth...back and forth. I never knew from one day to the next what to expect and it got really old...really fast.

 

So when I've been put through something like that for all those months it makes it really easy for me when I decide that I'm done to feel completely and utterly in control of my life after 8 days.

 

I have not talked to him for 9 days now. I haven't called him. I deleted my e-mail address that he had. And it's been really nice to be in a constant, stable mood from morning till night.

 

I hope that someday, somehow, you can be in the place that I'm in mentally and emotionally.

 

And by the way I'm not "on" anything other than peace and happiness and no more emotional turmoil. I wish you the best.

[bentnotbroken]

Hi KG,

 

It's been a month since your original post and I hope that you are doing better!

 

It has been 8 days for me of NC with the MM I was involved with for 10 months. We wanted each other for the past six years. During that time we never held hands, kissed each other, hugged, NOTHING and we fought those feelings for all that time and even went 2 years with NC trying to keep ourselves faithful in our current marriages. But eventually we both caved in to wants and desires. And what did it get me??? Heartache. So I'm done and I must admit that it feels really good to be in control of my own life again! To know that when I wake up in the morning I am going to be in the same stable, happy mood that I was when I go to bed that night and not have to wonder anymore what kind of an emotional roller coaster I'm going to end the day with due to his phone calls that always consisted of emotions and mixed messages. Some days he'd want to see me...other days he felt guilt and stress and wanted to work on his marriage...the next day he'd be back to wanting to see me again...blah, blah, blah. He made his choice. He chose to work on his marriage but "still wants us to be friends and talk on the phone because after everything we've been through and everything we've talked about it would be really weird to not talk to me anymore." Whatever. The hidden message in what he says is this...if it doesn't work out with his wife then he has kept me around...stringing me along by keeping me as a "phone buddy" and preventing myself to move on with my life and hopefully I will give him another chance if he finds out he made the wrong choice. I'm not going to be his sloppy seconds. Period. So I changed my e-mail address and I keep my cell phone turned off. People can leave voice messages if they need to talk to me and I will return their calls. But not his.

 

I try to count my blessings...we never got caught...our spouses, kids and family members never found out...we don't hate each other...and after six years of questions we now have answers to everything. Now I know and now I can move on...happily and IN CONTROL of my life![/QUOTE]

 

You believe that you have been blessed by lying???:eek:Wow. If you believe in blessings, then you also know that whatever you do wrong in the dark will come to the light. Six years of lying to innocents...you only think you are in control.

[KismetGirl]

Hi KG,

 

It's been a month since your original post and I hope that you are doing better!

 

It has been 8 days for me of NC with the MM I was involved with for 10 months. We wanted each other for the past six years. During that time we never held hands, kissed each other, hugged, NOTHING and we fought those feelings for all that time and even went 2 years with NC trying to keep ourselves faithful in our current marriages. But eventually we both caved in to wants and desires. And what did it get me??? Heartache. So I'm done and I must admit that it feels really good to be in control of my own life again! To know that when I wake up in the morning I am going to be in the same stable, happy mood that I was when I go to bed that night and not have to wonder anymore what kind of an emotional roller coaster I'm going to end the day with due to his phone calls that always consisted of emotions and mixed messages. Some days he'd want to see me...other days he felt guilt and stress and wanted to work on his marriage...the next day he'd be back to wanting to see me again...blah, blah, blah. He made his choice. He chose to work on his marriage but "still wants us to be friends and talk on the phone because after everything we've been through and everything we've talked about it would be really weird to not talk to me anymore." Whatever. The hidden message in what he says is this...if it doesn't work out with his wife then he has kept me around...stringing me along by keeping me as a "phone buddy" and preventing myself to move on with my life and hopefully I will give him another chance if he finds out he made the wrong choice. I'm not going to be his sloppy seconds. Period. So I changed my e-mail address and I keep my cell phone turned off. People can leave voice messages if they need to talk to me and I will return their calls. But not his.

 

I try to count my blessings...we never got caught...our spouses, kids and family members never found out...we don't hate each other...and after six years of questions we now have answers to everything. Now I know and now I can move on...happily and IN CONTROL of my life![/QUOTE]

 

You believe that you have been blessed by lying???:eek:Wow. If you believe in blessings, then you also know that whatever you do wrong in the dark will come to the light. Six years of lying to innocents...you only think you are in control.

 

A) this isn't that poster's thread, so let's not get into arguments on it unless she decides to start her own.

 

B) 8 days of not speaking to someone you have been infatuated or in love with for years can feel like a lifetime, I can assure you, so lay off it. People on here preach and insult and tell someone not to be in an Affair, and then when one person says she has been NC for 8 days you insult again and say it's nothing or point out her past faults. Please, get over it. I never understood why people who come on here feel a need to be anything but kind...insulting people you don't even know who are obviously usually emtoionally distraught seems borderline idiotic/cruel. You can't get to one year of NC without 8 days of NC , now can you. You don't tell an alcoholic that his one week of non-drinking is a pittance- you tell him good job, and encourage him to continue with the abstinance. Same thing here.

 

Now carry on.

 

Im starting a new thread, some of the regulars may find it amusing. Or not. Either way.

[boldjack]

KG, It's good to hear from you and to get an update on your activities. I think that you have shown a lot of maturity, since your breakup, and will come out of this, a whole lot wiser. I wouldn't be too worried about the posters, giving you ****, they aren't in your situation and have their own issues. I would try to stay away from casual sex for a while, if I were you, as I don't think you need the further complications , just now. Heal yourself first, then go out and find the type of man, who will be able to give and receive the kind of love, I know is inside you.

[KismetGirl]

KG, It's good to hear from you and to get an update on your activities. I think that you have shown a lot of maturity, since your breakup, and will come out of this, a whole lot wiser. I wouldn't be too worried about the posters, giving you ****, they aren't in your situation and have their own issues. I would try to stay away from casual sex for a while, if I were you, as I don't think you need the further complications , just now. Heal yourself first, then go out and find the type of man, who will be able to give and receive the kind of love, I know is inside you.

 

Oh trust me, I have come out of this infinitly more suspicious of my own emtions, not sure how good that is but we'll see. Just feel ver y confused sometimes but despite every desire to just hear his voice and see his face, have no called MM. I did thik some casual dating wold be a nice distraction, you know, hanging out with some new guys, having a drink, but alas, my life is just....well, you have to laugh sometims.

 

Chek out my new thread, you'll see what i mean....

[whichwayisup]

You're doing great KG. I'm glad you haven't slipped, called just to hear his voice. You should be proud of yourself! I know you're still hurtin badly, but it's easier than it was last week and the week before, and the week before that, yes?

 

My only suggestion is, stay away from ALL men right now. You have nothing to 'give' and the last thing you need to deal with is drama, any kind of pain/lies/betrayal. I did read your other thread - Don't go on a 3rd date with this guy!!!