It's all over

[SerenityX2]

Kismet

 

Die Hard sounds like he's walked the road. If people like myself or Awkward aren't resonating b/c we've never been down your path....then maybe his words will help heal you.

 

Kismet what Awkward touched on is why I said that he saw an out too. I don't think he planned the whole 4 years. I think he did set out to "conquer" you so to speak all those years....the rest he just flew by the seat of his pants...but I do think he was getting how you were feeling. How could he not? You cried the last time he broke up....you confessed your love once to him....he knows....that something that should really piss you off....he knows and still does this to you.

 

Kismet he doesn't care about you being sick like this....but Awkward is right....WE do....Kismet I'm sure I'm not the only one that can say this about myself, I'm sure others feel it too or wouldn't post to you.

 

That's got to say something Kismet. I know you think we're all just killing time on some anonymous internet forum and could care less. But there are people here from all 4 corners of the world telling you WE CARE.

 

But you're not going to get better by doing this. Unfortunately with MCATS in 6 weeks you don't have the luxury of "allowing" this to happen, unless you can postpone your tests, but I don't know if you can. Kismet it sucks, but if you want this, this dream of a doctor, you are going to have to pull yourself together. I really don't mean this to be harsh. It was my concern back in the fall for you when it seemingly was going to end, and you said you wanted to hang on at least until the test were over....and I told you what if he did this to you closer to your tests? Kismet you didn't want to think about it. But part of the adult thing is picking yourself up when it's the last thing that you think or want to do b/c you HAVE to *if* what your dream is....to succeed at med school.

 

Otherwise if you want to feel defeated and and stuff just "happens" to you....well carry on.

 

Like I said....I'm rooting for you.....but you have to want this too. True none of us can "make" you. But I can't see how babying you through this is going to help you, not when you have these tests, unless like I said you can delay them.

 

Kismet I'm not trying to be harsh. Sometimes the truth hurts, but through the pain you'll be healed. That's what I want for you Kismet healing.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet

 

Die Hard sounds like he's walked the road. If people like myself or Awkward aren't resonating b/c we've never been down your path....then maybe his words will help heal you.

 

Kismet what Awkward touched on is why I said that he saw an out too. I don't think he planned the whole 4 years. I think he did set out to "conquer" you so to speak all those years....the rest he just flew by the seat of his pants...but I do think he was getting how you were feeling. How could he not? You cried the last time he broke up....you confessed your love once to him....he knows....that something that should really piss you off....he knows and still does this to you.

 

Kismet he doesn't care about you being sick like this....but Awkward is right....WE do....Kismet I'm sure I'm not the only one that can say this about myself, I'm sure others feel it too or wouldn't post to you.

 

That's got to say something Kismet. I know you think we're all just killing time on some anonymous internet forum and could care less. But there are people here from all 4 corners of the world telling you WE CARE.

 

But you're not going to get better by doing this. Unfortunately with MCATS in 6 weeks you don't have the luxury of "allowing" this to happen, unless you can postpone your tests, but I don't know if you can. Kismet it sucks, but if you want this, this dream of a doctor, you are going to have to pull yourself together. I really don't mean this to be harsh. It was my concern back in the fall for you when it seemingly was going to end, and you said you wanted to hang on at least until the test were over....and I told you what if he did this to you closer to your tests? Kismet you didn't want to think about it. But part of the adult thing is picking yourself up when it's the last thing that you think or want to do b/c you HAVE to *if* what your dream is....to succeed at med school.

 

Otherwise if you want to feel defeated and and stuff just "happens" to you....well carry on.

 

Like I said....I'm rooting for you.....but you have to want this too. True none of us can "make" you. But I can't see how babying you through this is going to help you, not when you have these tests, unless like I said you can delay them.

 

Kismet I'm not trying to be harsh. Sometimes the truth hurts, but through the pain you'll be healed. That's what I want for you Kismet healing.

 

I know. My head is jsut all over the place right now. Sometimes I can handle reading certain things and sometimes it just hits me the wrong way right now. I cant postpone my test anymore, i pushed it back twice already, whats done is done, i have to take it. i tried studying today, i think i got about one solid hour in, which sucks but better than yesterday or the day before when i felt like shooting myself and coudlnt even read one sentence.

 

i dont know. i alternate between feelings of sanity and insanity, and i dont think that no one cares, please dont get me wrong, its really touching that people that dont even know my real identity keep taking the time to write to me, and i try to take alot of it into account, but i think i have to be careful right now because i am....i dont know if fragile is the right word, but certain things i can handle hearing, and certain ones bring me back into that black pit....whichis exactly how i felt when i sent that effing email jsut now. I really didnt want to and i did and now im pissed off at myself. *sigh*

[SerenityX2]

Kismet....please breathe.

 

From now on if you're going to write emails...save them to yourself...don't send okay?

 

I'm not sure what you're looking for from him. You really think he's going to admit to having OW when he knows it would hurt you? He doesn't admit things to his wife supposedly in the name of "not hurting her". So that part of him seems to be consistent albeit in HIS own best interest.

 

Kismet it's like watching someone with a knife stabbing themselves and being helpless to stop it. At this point you are the one compounding your pain and you do have the power to stop it.

 

Kismet please, can't you focus on something else? What did you used to do that brought you joy before MM? I think someone once asked you if you could have pets to take your mind off of this...and you said you couldn't, but what about something small....like fish or something? Something that you could have and nuture for YOU, not b/c your family tells you they need this or that.

 

Please don't let your depression spiral you into that pit, please let us help you.

[SerenityX2]

Weird I was writing about the black pit before I saw that you wrote it. You see I sense this is where you're going. Kis, don't think you're not strong enough or can't handle this or that. Those are lies that part of you is telling yourself.... a reason to stay glued to the fear, I know it probably doesn't make sense that people can sabotauge themselves sometimes but they clearly do. There's a fear of this unknown, what to do on your own. It's easier, the dark side of yourself is telling you, to stay immobilized. But Die Hard got it when he said the world is your oyster.

 

I'm glad you are touched by the outpouring of support. Use that as your strength Kismet. For every sad or happy memory of him right now, counter it with, "but he's not here, never really was" ...."he's a self!sh prick"....etc....sort of like the "STOP" thought process or rubber band trick.

 

At least you studied some. Now try to get mad. Tell yourself he had enough of your past, he won't steal your future. Tell yourself YOU won't let him ruin your life, your career.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet....please breathe.

 

From now on if you're going to write emails...save them to yourself...don't send okay?

 

I'm not sure what you're looking for from him. You really think he's going to admit to having OW when he knows it would hurt you? He doesn't admit things to his wife supposedly in the name of "not hurting her". So that part of him seems to be consistent albeit in HIS own best interest.

 

Kismet it's like watching someone with a knife stabbing themselves and being helpless to stop it. At this point you are the one compounding your pain and you do have the power to stop it.

 

Kismet please, can't you focus on something else? What did you used to do that brought you joy before MM? I think someone once asked you if you could have pets to take your mind off of this...and you said you couldn't, but what about something small....like fish or something? Something that you could have and nuture for YOU, not b/c your family tells you they need this or that.

 

Please don't let your depression spiral you into that pit, please let us help you.

 

i dont know if i need to hear him admit it to me as much as i want to so badly at least hear him tell me one more time that i was really the only one. it probably means nothing to everyone else but this one facet of discussion has horribly impeded my thinking more than any other detail the last few days, you have no idea. i know most of you dont see why it matters if he has me, or me and ten others, but it does matter because for four years i have been under the impression that, even though he's not leaving his wife, that iwas something just a little bit special because i was the only one he ever did this with.

 

i've already spiraled. its been a long ways to this, and this pushed me over the edge. I imagine my depression at its base was one reason I clung to MM for so long anyway.... im trying to focus on important things, occasionally talk to friends etc, im really really grasping. Consider myself lucky i am not suicidal. I have a snake at home, he's not really one for cuddling. Don't ask, my roomate bought it for me in college...

 

I have had several therapists and psychiatrists....Im a difficult patient , admitadly. Generally know what they're going to say before they say it, refuse to take certain medications other patients might blindly take because I already know the side effects and dont want to deal with them. *sigh* It's easier to treat others than myself, I guess.

 

Couldnt help myself with that stupid email just now....hearing over and over and over "he's been f**king a plethora of other women, you mean nothing to him" in not so many words for like four days has seriously bothered me. It's almost like if i heard from him just one more time "i promise you were the only one" it would make it somehow easier. The "i have to be a good husband and father" excuse is much easier to bear than the "ive become bored with you and have other women waiting in the wings" image.

 

it's a sad state and I agree with you that i am somehow repeatadly stabbing myself. Im a fabulous emotional masochist of epic proportions....except i dont actually get pleasure from it so maybe masochist is the wrong word. Anyway. I dont want to frustrate anyone. Im sorry.

[Die Hard]

Kismet there is nothing you can do to avoid that dark pit. You must pass through it. It's the price I had to pay for doing what I did. Not a karmic price, just the reality of the consequences of the actions we chose.

 

You cannot avoid the pain. At the end of the day you have two choices: stay involved and put off the bad pain that WILL eventually come because this affair WILL NOT LAST FOREVER, whether you want it to or not. He'll get sick, his wife will get sick, or SOMETHING will eventually happen to end it.

 

The second choice is to end it on your terms, your way, and live through the pain and make it out the other side.

 

You have to go through it one way or the other. THIS is the reasoning that made me walk away when she ended it. It was the hardest thing I ever did as every fiber in my being was telling me to fight for her. But I KNEW from reading this forum what the reality was and that there was no easy way out from the pain. You have to take it. You have no choice. All you can do is get started. Until you do that you're screwed.

 

Until you reach a place where you stand up for yourself emotionally this will all go on indefinitely, and even worse, you won't even be STARTING the process of getting past all this.

 

Again, I won't lie, even if you were to take every bit of advice I give, it's STILL going to get worse before it gets better. The only way out is to STOP being in any kind of contact. You can think, cry.. whatever you want, whenever you want, but you cannot be in contact AT ALL with him.

 

All the thinking and crying will eventually end but in many ways Kis you have to earn it. The joy and excitement from the affair was never earned and it's payback time. Payback time was always coming. You can keep putting it off or you can get started. The choice is yours but like I said this will all end one way or the other eventually. I highly recommend you be in control of it ending.

[KismetGirl]

Weird I was writing about the black pit before I saw that you wrote it. You see I sense this is where you're going. Kis, don't think you're not strong enough or can't handle this or that. Those are lies that part of you is telling yourself.... a reason to stay glued to the fear, I know it probably doesn't make sense that people can sabotauge themselves sometimes but they clearly do. There's a fear of this unknown, what to do on your own. It's easier, the dark side of yourself is telling you, to stay immobilized. But Die Hard got it when he said the world is your oyster.

 

I'm glad you are touched by the outpouring of support. Use that as your strength Kismet. For every sad or happy memory of him right now, counter it with, "but he's not here, never really was" ...."he's a self!sh prick"....etc....sort of like the "STOP" thought process or rubber band trick.

 

At least you studied some. Now try to get mad. Tell yourself he had enough of your past, he won't steal your future. Tell yourself YOU won't let him ruin your life, your career.

 

Yeah I would think my blackened desperation is pretty evident in how Ive been writing :-(

 

he doesnt deserve anything. But it seems like he still has an awful lot more than I do sometimes. It's all up to me, I know I know I know I know. Im the only one thats going to change anything. But four days in is kind of fresh.....mind keeps spinning so much from one thought to another, its hard to focus properly but I am trying

[SerenityX2]

A snake huh.....okay so even a hamster is out of the q I guess. Do you enjoy the snake? I mean that's not an obvious choice if you suffer from depression...but if you enjoy him/her....

 

Kis, I get wanting to hear one more time you were the only one. I get it soothes the heart. But there's no way to know if it's the truth, and that's gotta suck too I get that. I guess though you're saying you'd rather have a validation of what you want to believe is true ....whether or not it was, just to make it easier.

 

Like Die Hard said though, there's nothing easy about this pain.

 

Kismet that's what we're trying to say here. It's not that we're trying to rub salt in the wounds. But you must see no matter what version happened the end result is the same. I guess I can see how on one hand it's easier to believe what you want. But I don't see how that will help the process of healing, I would think it would have the opposite effect b/c you are thinking if the email wasn't found....maybe....and maybe down the line....hope....and more hope.

 

I suppose that's why I'm saying it would be better for you if you'd take the focus completely off of what the reason was. I mean is it really better to think it's just the W in the email? Really? When you wanted to believe before that it was a boring, comfort type marriage and now you have images of these photos? I can't see how focusing on "either" viewpoint would help.

 

I want you to focus on you....and what you can do to help you. Baby steps.....there's got to be stuff out there in life that brings a smile and joy to you. Think about that? What are they? What brought you joy when you were a kid? Possibly start by nurturing that little girl inside of you. Maybe you didn't get to do that b/c you were the oldest.

 

What about getting outside for a bit? Are you near the park? Maybe you could feed the ducks or something simple. How about artwork, is there a style you enjoy and could add little accent pieces to your apt? Kismet there's got to be something. Still pulling for you. Sending you strength.

[KismetGirl]

A snake huh.....okay so even a hamster is out of the q I guess. Do you enjoy the snake? I mean that's not an obvious choice if you suffer from depression...but if you enjoy him/her....

 

Kis, I get wanting to hear one more time you were the only one. I get it soothes the heart. But there's no way to know if it's the truth, and that's gotta suck too I get that. I guess though you're saying you'd rather have a validation of what you want to believe is true ....whether or not it was, just to make it easier.

 

Like Die Hard said though, there's nothing easy about this pain.

 

Kismet that's what we're trying to say here. It's not that we're trying to rub salt in the wounds. But you must see no matter what version happened the end result is the same. I guess I can see how on one hand it's easier to believe what you want. But I don't see how that will help the process of healing, I would think it would have the opposite effect b/c you are thinking if the email wasn't found....maybe....and maybe down the line....hope....and more hope.

 

I suppose that's why I'm saying it would be better for you if you'd take the focus completely off of what the reason was. I mean is it really better to think it's just the W in the email? Really? When you wanted to believe before that it was a boring, comfort type marriage and now you have images of these photos? I can't see how focusing on "either" viewpoint would help.

 

I want you to focus on you....and what you can do to help you. Baby steps.....there's got to be stuff out there in life that brings a smile and joy to you. Think about that? What are they? What brought you joy when you were a kid? Possibly start by nurturing that little girl inside of you. Maybe you didn't get to do that b/c you were the oldest.

 

What about getting outside for a bit? Are you near the park? Maybe you could feed the ducks or something simple. How about artwork, is there a style you enjoy and could add little accent pieces to your apt? Kismet there's got to be something. Still pulling for you. Sending you strength.

 

Yeah....the snake, my roommate bought him for me in college. I thought he was kind of cool and to be honest he requires no attention from me whatsoever. if i forget to feed him for a month he doesn't suffer, the thing can go six months without food. I used to have two cats and i'd get so depressed sometimes I'd forget to clean their litter and they would destroy my flat and I thought it wasn't fair to them that i was in school or work 17 hours a day at the time and never home to really take care of them so i gave them away. I dont really want to have another living thing under my care right now to be honest. Snake is lucky all he needs is water for now or he might be dead already.

 

I punish myself too much. I get mad when i dont study so i dont let myself go out with anyone. My friend asked me to go get dinner with him today and i told him no because im feeling sh*te and dont feel like driving out to where he lives as he hasn't got a car and cause i dont feel ive been very productive today. If you want to find someone who is really good at punishing herself for every little thing, you've found her.

 

I am 26 going on 47. Or at least that's how i feel. Ask me the last time i felt joyfully free for even one whole day and I cant really remember. Maybe two years ago when I went to London and Barcelona for my birthday? Maybe. Even then I had my moments, but it was nice to be away from everyting. One of my friends from London just emailed me to show me pictures of himself laying lazily somewhere in Australia while on holiday and then he's off to Thailand next week, and I am dreadfully jealous. I rememebr sitting on a bench on Las Ramblas at sunset 2 years ago on my birthday and watching everyone walk by and closing my eyes and smelling summer and hearing people speaking in five hundred different languages and feeling peaceful for just one second, but it never seems to last long....Hell, even then the f**ker emailed me to tell me he was sorry he couldnt be there with me on my birthday but his wife was still mad at him at home *sigh*

 

I know the rationalisation for wanting to know I was the only OW makes no feasible sense, not really, but i can't help it sometimes. Moments of irrationality. Probably shouldnt bother regretting sending that email in any event....it's already sent, can't take it back, and if I know him well at all he'll probably get uncomfortable and not respond to it anyway. No, thinking it was just his wife in there isnt much better than thinking it was wife AND other OW's. I'm hoping my rational side takes over more often as days go because right now its only coming out in spurts.

 

I think I might go sit outside on my front steps for a few minutes as its nice out today and the sun is setting , just to get some fresh air. I do live right next to a park actually....it's the second largest park in all of NYC, you'd think I'd take more advantage , but that requires leaving my place which I haven't done alot of lately. I probably should, though. Maybe i'll be more inclined as weather is finally getting nicer here....

[jj33]

I have to disagree - much as i love you Serenity.

 

We all have the ability to frame our reality. KG so long as you are committed to moving forward how you remember it, which bits you places importance on, is up to you.

 

Its not productive to feel like someone effed you over (at least not for me) or lied to me.

 

Everyone is different. The thing that helped calm my mind the most in the first few weeks after it ended was believing that he did love me and if he had not been married he would have married me.

 

Every time I went into the spirals of what a fool I was, he never really loved me, i went into a total despair and it impaired my ability to function.

 

All that matters KG is that you not fall back into the A .

 

What you beleive and how you get yourself to that point is not important.

 

Right now you are still emotionally in shock. you have an overload of emotoins and all of us telling her what you should beleive and what you should do and how you should feel.

 

So if it works for you to say I know he loves me, I know he cares but I cant put myself in that position anymore, I cant be involved with a married man, then I think thats great.

 

There is no reason she has to tear up her entire belief system as to what happened. As she said we werent there. She doesnt need more reasons to beat herself up, depression and anxiety provide more than enough of those.

 

A very wise counselor used to tell me (when I was going through this) how is it productive for you to believe that? How will that help you move forward?

[whichwayisup]

Aww, Kis..This is affair in itself was messing you up, even before this recent D-Day. Both you and him knew the A wouldn't last forever, but you both just put it out of your minds and continued helping yourselves..

 

I do agree with the others, atleast he more or less has been honest with you in the sense of not giving you hope, not allowing you to believe he was going to leave his wife and kids for you...He never said the I love you's...

 

It was just an affair, bottomline. And with that, you need to now leave him alone, don't call anymore because all that is doing is keeping the door open a crack for you, in hopes he'll change his mind and come back..And we all know (atleast right now) if he DID come calling, and wanting to continue things, you'd be back in a flash. He just has this power over you and you allow him to have that power. Not sure why, but whatever it is, NEEDS to sorted out in counselling...Which leads me to this..You need to find a new therapist because the one you talk with now isn't and hasn't been helping YOU. She's been in your corner, helping you "cope" with the affair, being the OW.

[SerenityX2]

You sound a "bit" better even if you don't feel it.

 

Maybe you always thought that life should be hard and drama filled in a way...(the way you punish yourself too) It doesn't that should be your first clue in the future that something isn't right....you don't have peace.

 

I can understand not wanting to be out with people, but those baby steps of taking friends up on their offers is what you need. It's hard to get that first push forward, but once you do ...you just may see "hey I feel better, maybe not great but not quite as miserable" and that will help propel you forward.

 

You really can't just let life happen to you...I know you're tired of hearing that you gotta do the hard work of changing your outlook therefore your life's position...but you do. And you confirmed for me, you don't have the luxury of blowing your MCATS.

 

If you really want to have time to travel and have holidays, focus on a plan of how you might get there. Put your energy into making your life better for you and figure out goals to achieve that. See it realistically. If you can travel like your friend, wonderful...set about a plan to do that after med school. If that's not realistic then figure out how you can plan a trip somewhere else at some point.

 

Great...you're getting outside....that's a good thought that you should get out as the weather is finally breaking. If you can, try just a for a little while to get outside, nature is good for the soul.

 

Little by little it's going to hurt but you have us in cyberland and IRL that care about you. Don't give up...we're not giving up on you.

[whichwayisup]

Everyone has been so gung ho about there being another OW that I finally just momentarily lost my mind and emailed him again, this time asking him for copies of all the photos he has taken of me, and saying "well, when you said 'you werent the only woman around' i had difficulty discering whether you meant me and wife, or me, wife and others, and in either event i'd appreciate knowing that you're not the only one with photos of the two of us floating around, and if it would "make your life easier" i'd be more than happy to go into the email and forward everything to myself if you give me the password. So just go ahead and delete what photos of other women you dont want me to see and let me go in there and take/delete my own photos for myself as you had previously promised to send them to me anyway and have apparently forgotten".

 

That email was completely not in my nature to write and sitting here listeinging to every conspiracy theory on all the other women he must have has seriously made me mildly insane today and i seriously regret just sending that effing email but too late now. ugh.

 

One thing, as much as you want to know, or feel you have a right to, he doesn't have to give you his password..And sadly, he may also still not reply to the email you sent him. Don't have any expectations. Try not to contact him again, I know it's hard for you, but once you get through the next few weeks, it'll get easier and the urges hopefully will go away.

 

I do agree you need to get back into the saddle again and go back to work! As hard as it'll be, getting out of bed, showering and back into your routine is exactly what you need.

[White Flower]

i dont know if i need to hear him admit it to me as much as i want to so badly at least hear him tell me one more time that i was really the only one. it probably means nothing to everyone else but this one facet of discussion has horribly impeded my thinking more than any other detail the last few days, you have no idea. i know most of you dont see why it matters if he has me, or me and ten others, but it does matter because for four years i have been under the impression that, even though he's not leaving his wife, that iwas something just a little bit special because i was the only one he ever did this with.

 

i've already spiraled. its been a long ways to this, and this pushed me over the edge. I imagine my depression at its base was one reason I clung to MM for so long anyway.... im trying to focus on important things, occasionally talk to friends etc, im really really grasping. Consider myself lucky i am not suicidal. I have a snake at home, he's not really one for cuddling. Don't ask, my roomate bought it for me in college...

 

I have had several therapists and psychiatrists....Im a difficult patient , admitadly. Generally know what they're going to say before they say it, refuse to take certain medications other patients might blindly take because I already know the side effects and dont want to deal with them. *sigh* It's easier to treat others than myself, I guess.

 

Couldnt help myself with that stupid email just now....hearing over and over and over "he's been f**king a plethora of other women, you mean nothing to him" in not so many words for like four days has seriously bothered me. It's almost like if i heard from him just one more time "i promise you were the only one" it would make it somehow easier. The "i have to be a good husband and father" excuse is much easier to bear than the "ive become bored with you and have other women waiting in the wings" image.

 

it's a sad state and I agree with you that i am somehow repeatadly stabbing myself. Im a fabulous emotional masochist of epic proportions....except i dont actually get pleasure from it so maybe masochist is the wrong word. Anyway. I dont want to frustrate anyone. Im sorry.

Kis, he could never become bored with you. Even if he turned out to have others I am positive he ended it for other reasons. One could be that you were so much in love and he sensed you would always be that way and he wanted to spare your feelings. Another could be that he really wants to be a good H and father. A third, and this is only if he has others which we can't prove, is that he just doesn't know how to juggle them all. Any which way you look at it ending your A was HIS LOSS.

[Billie63]

Hi Kis, I think you sending that email is fine. Maybe you'll get some answers. But it's true, your job now is moving on.

 

I do wonder if you told him about your clinical depression? If so, do you think he was morally wrong to get involved with you in any shape or form? You both work in the medical profession, he must have some idea of the problems depressives face, ethically shouldn't he have stayed away from you from day one?

 

As for his oow - I don't necessarily think it was sex as such, probably flirting and sexy pics from his harem at work. If he was well known for hiring pretty young girls, that tells you a lot about the man.

 

As for being 27 and feeling 47? I'm 45 and I dont' know what that's supposed to feel like. But I will tell you I'm dating two guys - one a 28 year old DJ who looks like Johnny Depp (I kid you not) and a 40 year old construction worker. Yes I've had my heart broken more than once, I've been where you are now, but today I'm having the time of my life, and you will too one day.

 

I say this because of comments you've made before about your fear of ending up middle aged and alone - well I'm your nightmare come true. And my life's just fine. Don't fear the future without your ex-mm, there will come a day when even trying to remember his face will be a blur, believe me.

[jj33]

And as for the thing about him seeing other women, now that you have explained it, you heard his tone of voice, its unlikely that there were.

 

But the thing is it doesnt matter. This has overtaken your life. Breathe a sigh of relief as soon as you feel up to it. The reason you kept looking for, for it to end has finally arrived. You cant afford to go through this again anytime between now and your MCATs and you certainly cant afford this drama in med school.

 

Its got to be the end of the A, regardless of why.

 

And as for middleaged and alone I am but its still 30000 times better than being in the A. The rollercoaster was just too much to bear.

[awkward]

I hear what you are saying KG. I have never been in your shoes and understand that maybe my perspective doesn't understand all the dynamics.

 

But I am concerned about you and how you are coping. I will be here for you. If you just want to vent, I will listen. I will try to help you find better ways to cope and will not discuss the MM, OOW, or BS aspect and only focus on you.

 

Just know that you have friends here, anonymous ones but ones who do care for you. We've been through this with you and will help you with the ending as well.

 

((((((KG)))))

[ForumFool]

KS even IF he replies to your emails he may very well lie...most likely he WILL LIE...you both lied a lot....It doesn't mean he only lies to his wife...he IS a liar ..so IF he writes back and sez nope no other women just you hon and my wife...I would not believe it and bet most of the people on here who have seen this thing objectively would agree. You have to live in reality....in order to heal .

 

I pray this jerk doesn't reply....maybe he will block your emails if you keep emailing. You may not like the message but he said what he said and did what he did ..he didn't choose you. PLEASE see another therapist..someone else suggested that above..and I agree...you have not been helped. Maybe see someone who is trained in DBT . YOU are in deep denial. I hope you stop the drama and get to studying your whole relationship was based on sex and falsehoods....school is real and your future not this creep

[White Flower]

Emailing him gave him time to delete all and any info. Calling him at home and catching him off guard and demanding the password would have worked better. I don't blame you, I get the feeling you really don't want to know what could have been in that account. Surely it was a closet full of pain. But know this, those are YOUR pictures and you should have the right to get them back. Protect yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Calling him at home and catching him off guard and demanding the password would have worked better.

 

His response? NO, I'm not going to give you the password to my email account. Affair partner or not, noone has the right to DEMAND someone to GIVE them the password to their account. Sorry, some may disagree with me on that one, especially in this situation.

 

KG, I hope you managed to go to work today. A change of scenery is probably exactly what you need right now.

[White Flower]

His response? NO, I'm not going to give you the password to my email account. Affair partner or not, noone has the right to DEMAND someone to GIVE them the password to their account. Sorry, some may disagree with me on that one, especially in this situation.

 

KG, I hope you managed to go to work today. A change of scenery is probably exactly what you need right now.

That is only one possible response. If he responded that way to me I would have said 'put your W on the phone, maybe SHE should know what's in that account as well'. It has worked for others.

 

Yes, Kis, I hope you are enjoying the nicer weather and that the park was beautiful. Did MM email you back?

[NoIDidn't]

Get out of bed and get out of the house, KG.

 

I agree with Diehard. You HAVE to go through this valley to get to the other mountain.

 

Thinking of you.

[OWoman]

That is only one possible response. If he responded that way to me I would have said 'put your W on the phone, maybe SHE should know what's in that account as well'. It has worked for others.

 

Threats or upping the ante won't work - if there was an underlying equality of respect or power, he may well have shared the password with KG - but then, there'd have been nothing in there to have hidden from her in the first place. His resistance to doing so, his secrecy and his evasion wouldn't be addressed by threats to his W. He could simply terminate the call, obliging KG either to call back and try to reach the W - which she's already said she doesn't want to do - or to let it go.

 

The fact that he kept "other stuff" (whether featuring his W or any OOWs) in that mailbox suggests that it was never about him & KG - it was about him and his fantasies, of which KG was only a part. She cannot demand equality (of access in this case) in a R in which there was never any equaity to start off with. The power has always been firmly in the MM's hands - he hired her, creating an immediate imbalance; she loved him while he remained detached; she became dependent while he withdrew periodically; she did all the emotional laundry while he simply made occasional deposits of semen. To try at this stage and insist on respect or equality is simply too late - if it wasn't there from the beginning, in at least germinal form, it can't be superimposed once it's been terminated.

 

She'll be lucky to get her pics back (though, she'll never know whether he's kept copies, or what he's done with those) - inceasingly irrational and borderline hysterical behaviour is unlikely to prompt a cordial response from him. Likely he'll go to ground, possibly block email etc access to enforce NC until KG either backs off or goes to his W - and he's sure to be working on his story for his W in case that happens!

[jj33]

OWoman very well put.

 

KG I can appreciate that you want the pics back because its a piece of you.

 

But really it doesnt matter. Its like getting that last CD back that you loved but could buy somewhere else. hes not a psycho he isnt going to share your pics with others.

 

And he isnt obligated to give you the password to his email account. I would never ask MM to give me the password to his account. Your emails to him on that account are as incriminating as the pictures. If he can buy a clue he will have deleted everything so that if his W looks at that email account it is pristine.

 

All the stuff about the emails the pictures the access. Its all just the peripheral stuff and really isnt the point. We grasp onto the little details and issues because its so hard to wrap your head around the big one which is that he is not around anymore.

 

But really its a blessing. It wont feel like that yet. But it is.

 

Your job as you start to feel stronger is to wrap your head around the idea that you cant let him back into your life.

 

He is married, he plans to stay married for whatever reason, and that is very very definitely not working for you.

 

Your job is to take care of you. Study get into med school and allow yourself time to heal.

 

That may sound boring and lonely as your mind careens back to the feeling of knowing that he loves you and will be visiting in a few days, but that is life. Your mind may tell you he was the one good thing that kept you going between school and work and the stress of holding it all together.

 

But that is not true. You are stronger than you think and the rollercoaster aspect was making life more stressful. Its just hard to see that when you are in the thick of it. The hours and days and nigts you have lost to being depressed over him, over the relatoinship, over his actions or lack of actions, analysing this and that, calling in sick to work because you were too upset to leave the house, its eaten days and weeks of your life you will never get back.

 

There is only one way to move and that is forward. As you move forward over the coming weeks and months, those little visits will start to look weak and feeble as compared to the prospect of a relationship with someone who is not committed to his wife and family.

 

Hope today is a better day.

[KismetGirl]

Sorry if I don't reply individually but to be honest when I get to a part when someone starts saying something negative about his view of me/him having other OW/him not caring etc etc it puts me back into that black pit and i try to just skim over it. No disrespect, but at this point I dont need to be reminded I am insignificant to him, I remember his face and voice when he said nice things to me and I'd rather remember those because the last five to six days have been hell on earth for me, and in large part due to the conspiracy theories about the other OW, the discussions via whether or not I should have access to his email which prompted me to send an email I am very dissapointed in myself for sending. I know everyone means well but at the end of the day, right now, i just can't hear some of it I guess without feelin more awful than usual. I've broken up with him before and never felt THIS bad for this long and I suspect its because of these peripheral conversations. Again, I appreciate all the comments everyone is trying to help with, so please dont be offended if I have to ignore some of them for my own sanity just for now.

 

I havent had one full day of work since last wed. Thursday took off, friday took off, monday took off, yesterday i went, albeit 4.5 hours late. Today I SWORE i was going to go in on time and got so anxious this morning again that I took a klonopin to make myself relax (mind you, i never take those things, i prefer not to) and it made me pass out again and i was, again, four hours late to work. Lucky for me I won't get in trouble, but it kind of puts me in a lag as for missing meetings with patients and have armloads of paperwork to do. but I digress....

 

Sometimes I feel better for a moment, then my mind wanders back to some "black" image or thought about this and I feel struggle to not spiral back into that abysmal feeling.

 

I shouldn't have sent any emails. Maybe the first one is ok because it was just alot of emotions I had been holding in, but I should have just let the email thing go with wanting his password. I hate myself for sending that email, it makes me feel pathetic and psychotic in a manner un-befitting to my normal character, despite perhaps opinion to the contrary on here...because one of the things he did love about me is that I am, when Im in a good mood, very easy going, sarcastic, funny and fun to be around, and I feel like Im killing that memory the way Im acting right now. I dont want to send him anything else right now. And I would never call his house to demand things or threaten talking to this wife....no offense to anyone who would do that, but that is psycho-girl behaviour that is not in my character that would make him only angry at me and that's it. I may as well drive to his house and leave a bunny in the stove.

 

I'll be honest- at this point I wish me and him could be on friendly terms, at least, even if we weren't physically involved anymore, because I still miss him horribly. Even when we DID try to make a feabile attempt to be platonic friends I got pleasure out of just seeing him, having lunch with him. I miss talking to him, I miss the way he smiles at me while pushing my hair out of my face and telling me how cute I am, I miss how he smells, I miss laughing with him. Those things are good memories and I dont want to kill every single second spent with him over four years which is what my mind has been doing these psst few days. It's my own fault, because I should be able to filter out advice that bothers me, but its hard sometimes. But at the end of the day im the only one that can control my thoughts and try to direct them to a positive place. Which is what I need right now. To channel them into a postive place....lately its been all negative negative negative things about what a horrible person he is, how he never cared for me, how he used me, how I mean nothing to him, how he had five hundred other women secretly hidden around even though he really has no feasible time for that anyway. And that sort of thinking does nothing to help me heal. Maybe it will at some point, I dont kow, but right now all it does is make me hurt worse than I ever imagined I could. I've been physically ill, mentally drained, avoiding work, having panic attacks....never in four years did I react this badly the other times we broke things off and Im pretty sure its for the reasons I mentioned earlier.

 

Im at work right now and cant quite seem to get my mind into doing paperwork, but at least Im here, and can still put on a wonderfully fake happy persona when a patient walks in, which I guess is enough for now. Still amazed by the outpouring of support on here, and thank you for that. And Im lucky I have friends IRL that have been patient to the enth degree in letting me talk about MM until Im blue in the face even though Im sure they are sick of hearing of him by now, but they are all secretly happy he's done with. I went out to dinner with one last night and she said she wasn't totally convinced I wouldn't contact him again at some point, and maybe she's right, I dont know the future, but Im trying not to right now and that's all I can do is one day at a time.

 

I have way too much studying to do and only 5 weeks to do it to kick butt on this exam and have ONE positive thing to look forward to. I hope summertime is significantly better then the winter has been....blech.