It's all over

[wildsoul]

<interjection> There's NO SUCH THING as getting digital pictures "back." All she can ask is that he delete them, and hope that he does.</interjection>

[wildsoul]

KG, have you ever tried taking the amino acid called 5htp? It's a precursor to serotonin. So rather than chemically messing with the serotonin reuptake with anti-depressants, these help your body naturally produce more serotonin.

 

I started taking 50mg 2x per day back in January, and it helped pull me out of a worsening depression. Chronic stress was making me completely dysfunctional. Within 4 days, my sleep improved dramatically. After 2 weeks, I noticed that I stopped crying at the drop of a hat. After a month, I noticed that while I still had enormous stress, the seeds of optimism started coming back.

 

I could NOT have gotten through the break up with my xSM without it.

 

We can't link to sites that sell products here, but I want to add that the only brand worth buying is Natures Way, because they have an enteric coating over the pills that eliminates the nausea that the uncoated capsules cause.

 

Sounds like you'd benefit from something to make you feel better every day, so you don't have to resort to the kolonopins, etc.

[Owl]

KG...you need to make a mental effort to stop letting yourself dwell on him, and what you miss about your relationship with him.

 

THERE IS NO GOING BACK.

 

You can NEVER, EVER "go back" to being just his friend again.

 

That's GONE.

 

Don't give yourself permission to sit there and mope and dwell on all that you miss.

 

That's not going to do you any good.

 

Whenever you catch yourself thinking about those things...then mentally "change the channel"...to something far less flattering about him. Like thinking about what he "took home to the wife".

 

Get mad at him. Get angry over the whole situation.

 

It'll help you move on faster. It'll help you find ways to truly end this cycle.

 

Dwelling on the good does nothing but set you up to fail if something causes NC to fail.

 

Getting angry will lead to you taking active measures to PREVENT NC from failing.

[SerenityX2]

Kismet,

 

I echo Owl's sentiments.

 

Although Owoman's comments may hurt (great post btw) that may be what will get you to heal. JJ had some practical advise too in baby steps of moving in that direction, (back atcha JJ we can agree to disagree)but eventually you will have to face the truth.

 

Kismet what is it you're looking for? If it's just sympathy, well you have that, but not telling you much else won't help you to heal.

 

If it's lies so you don't feel as much pain, well I'm sorry I don't know how that will ultimately help you.

 

Just like focusing on the cozy moments, how does that help you heal? I agree with Owl, you have to get mad to get over this. Don't let what happened, the past, or possibly his perception define your future.

 

All the past times that it didn't hurt as bad, well eventually you fell back into it remembering the *great* times, so that doesn't exactly help long range does it?

 

I mentioned to you before that you need to focus on *you* not you two or him....that's the only way through it. I know you don't want to just forget 4 years, but it seems you'll have to try in order to get through this, maybe someday in the future you can think of the good times, but my true hope is that when you're strong enough, you won't need to, and you'll see them for what they were. For now, focus on you.

 

Wildsoul has a good idea for the depression. What has worked for me is L-Theanine (specifially a suntheanine type) which is a green tea derititve and works on the exact receptors as xanax with none of the dependency or side effects. Many people in my nursing class ended up using them. There's also a product called Relaxity that works in the same way. In fact the L-Theanine started losing it's punch (happens with herbals) so I switched to this. It saved my sanity when I had 5 tests in 1 week. Plus with both you don't get that "fuzzy headed" feeling, you stay calm but focused. These 2 things I mention are anti-anxiety not anti-depressants like 5-HTP

 

I hope you're still getting outside. Take care

[wildsoul]

There's also a product called Relaxity that works in the same way. In fact the L-Theanine started losing it's punch (happens with herbals) so I switched to this. It saved my sanity when I had 5 tests in 1 week. Plus with both you don't get that "fuzzy headed" feeling, you stay calm but focused.

OMG, I take L-theanine sometimes when I need to do big writing projects, and it's amazing. Calm, clear, focused. Did you know that it puts you in an Alpha-wave state? Not amped up. Not tranquilized. Clear-headed.

 

KG, you might also find that helps you with your studies!

 

SerentiyX2, I'm still in my post-breakup fog too. And like KG, I'm finding it hard to mentally focus on an important project. I'm out of L-theanine. I'll look into that other product you mentioned. Thanks.

[SerenityX2]

SerenityX2, I'm still in my post-breakup fog too. And like KG, I'm finding it hard to mentally focus on an important project. I'm out of L-theanine. I'll look into that other product you mentioned. Thanks.

 

Great! I'm hoping it can help Kismet too. I totally relate to the anxiety she explains even though mine is from severe test anxiety. It started to manifest last year at this time, and my husband tried to get lavender things like oil to put on cotton balls and little soaps, that I'd take into tests with me, well that lost affect super fast and after my doctor was willing to put me on Klonopin and Xanax (w/o even seeing me) I researched natural alternatives.

 

But Kismet I understand the type of anxiety that is all griping, complete with nausea. I literally thought I was going to die, go crazy or pass out when I was in the testing room and I've never experienced anything like that. I swear I sometimes feel like I have a form of PTSD from nursing school, so I can only imagine the intensity of med school which is why I'm so damn insistent on trying to help you!

 

If you get the Relaxity there's sites herbspro and 4allvitamins that sell it not only cheaper,but w/o the automated ordering hassles (can't stand that) You can even try out 10 at first, that's how I did it.

[Die Hard]

 

Whenever you catch yourself thinking about those things...then mentally "change the channel"...to something far less flattering about him. Like thinking about what he "took home to the wife".

 

Get mad at him. Get angry over the whole situation.

 

It'll help you move on faster. It'll help you find ways to truly end this cycle.

 

Dwelling on the good does nothing but set you up to fail if something causes NC to fail.

 

Getting angry will lead to you taking active measures to PREVENT NC from failing.

Well after reading your last post I was going to make a comment but Owl already posted what I was going to write.

 

Owl is DEAD ON here with this advice and is EXACTLY what I did to help myself get past the MW I was seeing.

 

USE the bad thoughts that may pop in your head regarding the MM to help you get past this! These thoughts are your ace in the hole!

 

Think about all the times he left you to go back home to his wife while you sat alone! Just like Owl says, dwelling on the "good" stuff will not help you. And let me tell you this: when this is all over your definition of what was "good" about the relationship is going to change greatly. Might as well start getting your brain headed in that direction because that's where your going anyway.

 

These feelings of sadness and anxiety and the panic attacks are going to continue as long as you hold out hope of even being friends with him.

 

This one question I asked myself when I was going through the same thing crystallized where I was at, so I'll now ask it of you(it's rhetorical):

 

Kis, why would you want to be around someone who has asked to be away from you?

 

He's married, has expressed his desire to be done with the affair due to guilt, yet you hold out for friendship? You HAVE to have more self respect that that for yourself!!! Just from a practical standpoint, no one wants someone who is that easy. That's clingy and needy behavior. Please take a step back and see what you are saying regarding the friendship, etc..

 

You need to get it in your head that it's OVER and start MOVING ON. It's one thing to have the thoughts of wanting to be his friend etc.., but it's wholly another to be actually entertaining these thoughts.

[whichwayisup]

I'll be honest- at this point I wish me and him could be on friendly terms, at least, even if we weren't physically involved anymore, because I still miss him horribly

And that's OK, to miss him...What you're feeling is the loss of the relationship you had with him.

 

But, you have to look at this way, HE cannot be YOUR friend or be in YOUR life. He probably can't handle it, and most of all, any type of contact/friendship with you is NOT good for his marriage and his relationship with his wife. I know you don't want to hear this, but right now he has to focus on reconnecting with his wife and gaining her faith and trust him him again. He can't do that if he has you around.

 

Even when we DID try to make a feabile attempt to be platonic friends I got pleasure out of just seeing him, having lunch with him. I miss talking to him, I miss the way he smiles at me while pushing my hair out of my face and telling me how cute I am, I miss how he smells, I miss laughing with him.

 

Then keep those good memories, just start accepting that's all it's going to be from now on - Memories. To even consider or give yourself "hope" that you can remain as friends is wrong, on so many levels. Affair partners can't stay friends, it just doesn't work and you are NOWHERE near being able to handle "just" a platonic friendship with him because you're still inlove with him and attached. It's impossible.

[jj33]

Hi KG glad you are starting to get out of the shock.

 

Dont worry about the good memories v the anger. The anger will come. And BOY will it come (and as I recall you got flamed for saying he effed you over so you cant really win on expressing yourself sometimes can you).

 

I still stand by the fact that its ok to have good memories so long as you never go back. Its the only way I keep from being depressed about the whole thing. But everyone is different. But there was a period when I was so livid that seeing him made me livid.

 

As for being friends no no and no. This is the missing him phase. Its normal. It may last for months. But you have to hang tough.

 

If I hadnt had to be in touch wth MM I would have healed a lot faster. You dont have to be in touch with him. Yes you may hear about him from time to time, yes you may see his car from time to time, but you dont need to be in contact directly.

 

Even now although I am fine doing business with him (but come on its been over a year and a half I should be) I DO NOT accept social invitations.

 

Dinner. NO drinks? NO. He asks and asks and asks, and cajoles and lately even pleads, but unless its business related the answer is NO.

 

Why? because it leads to no good. During the first few months when we tried to be friends it invariably ended up with how can we try again? On a monthly basis Luckily for me he wasnt capable of it in the end but each time it broke my heart again. Until finally about 6 months in, I got it and then started saying no no no.

 

As a result I have seen him just 2x in the past year on my own. And after our last after hours meeting last fall, I cut that back and will only see him during business hours of 9-5. When we see each other at networking functions, generally we dont talk.

 

Why? because other than "hello how are you?" there is nothing to say. No need to do the usual chit chat. We are so well past that; anything else is inappropriate as he is married and we still have the spark (tho lately it just feels like a giant pain in the butt). Anything that needs to be discussed relating to business can be discussed in an office on the phone or by email.

 

Its harsh and today you may not be ready to hear that you cant be friends. The thought killed me at the beginning but its true. Maybe some people are better at it than I am, but even now when we still gush over each other a little too much or are overly formal.

 

The point is there will always be some sort of connection there on one side or another, or one of you trying to regain the old familiarity. Its normal. You shared a lot. And that connection simply cant be reignited.

 

But it does get better. Someone mentioned his W to me today because they are going somewhere together. I was surprisingly chirpy. Oh she seems like she's great fun (he disagreed...) have a great time. The guy went on and on about how MM will never be able to retire because she is so expensive to keep - well all I can say is he obviously likes that... because hes still there.....

[KismetGirl]

Gee its hard to properly express yourself on a typed-forum isn't it.

 

I never meant I feasibly expect that a friendship on any level is really possible with him, I just said that I missed him and it WASN'T always just sex-and-go, it really wasn't. I can't help but miss him, right? I haven't called, I haven't emailed, I've held back from listening to his voicemail.

 

I am angry, but I am also still very.....sad. And the angry isn't quite to the point yet where it totally disables the sad. Don't know if it ever will be. But I dont think remembering good things about him will make it worse, because as we can see, trying to focus just on bad things has obviously made me feel completely awful and immobile and panicky.

 

When he was here on thursday and I started up on all the bad things, on all the things he's done wrong, and how he's hurt me, he did get visibly upset. I know I can't express to everyone here what I see with my own eyes and hear with my own ears from someone I have known in person for four years, but he didn't like hearing me point out all the ways he's been a total sh*t to me. He pleaded with me to please just let us have our good memories, that his hands were tied, that he didn't want to lose his kids, that he hated dissapointing his wife over and over again and feeling like he was a bad person, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to miss me horribly. I didn't really listen then, I just stared off into the distance and let him kiss me one more time, and then when he went down the stairs and ran back up the stairs to kiss me one more time and say "im so sorry i dont know what else to do" and run off again...*sigh*

 

Anger, while productive at times, can also be very....tiring. I think Im hoping more to reach a state of peace. When I try to think of him as an a**hole, I know he CAN be, but it doesn't help me. I don't know how to explain it. I don't try to put him on some pedestal or excuse his behaviour either, mind you. I just want to be able to find some level of peace where I can remember the "good times" and be happy with them, and still remember that that's all it can ever be and move on. Am I making sense?

 

Im better than I was....well, the last few days. The last few days were herrendous. I haven't cried today for the first time in almost a week, so I guess that's a plus. Im supposed to see my psychiatrist end of the month and he'll be right p*ssed Ive decided not to take that cr*p Lexapro he gave me because I just don't like the way it makes me feel. I should try some of those natural remedies, thanks for the suggestions. Will try to be on time for work tomo, too. Can't help it I occasionally go off on a daydream about MM....they sneak up on you, sometimes, lke when Im driving home, don't even notice it, but it really hurts right now to think about him at all, good or bad, so Im trying not to at all. If I could physically pick up the thought and remove it from my mind I would, but I cant so just trying to mentally push them away when they start to creep in. Bit hard sometimes! See a union jack flag or listen to sme band he likes on the radio and all of a sudden im reminded of him. I still havent been able to just do away with everything he's ever given me....little things. CD's he bought me on a whim just cause he thought I'd like them, stuff from the yankee games we went to, the roses he bought me for my birthday...i dunno, i wanted to toss them but i just couldnt, yet. Maybe I wont need to, who knows. One day at a time, right?

[White Flower]

I take L-theanine

Hi WS, do either this or 5htp cause any side effects? Loss of libido?

 

Just curious, and thanks.

 

WF.

[whichwayisup]

I've held back from listening to his voicemail.

 

Does this mean he's tried to contact you and left a message on your voicemail? Or do you mean listening to his voicemail on his answering machine..Sorry not sure what you mean by this.

 

Keep being strong, you're going to be OK! Some days will be better than others.

[GreenEyedLady]

KG:

 

I broke up with my H 3 times before he finally 'got it'.

 

Each time it was physically and emotionally draining. You know how I got through it? I went out. I worked out at the gym. I was busy from the morning until the evening when I was so exhausted I could do nothing more than finally sleep. I also had developed a support group from LS that helped me through it in the cyber world.

 

I didn't dwell on being sad or mad. And every time he contacted me during our breakup, I made sure to let him know I was moving forward. He would send me these oh so sad emails and you know what i did? I sent him a picture of me and my friends at an event he was supposed to take me to looking HOT and HAPPY.

 

Our relationship eventually worked out. He saw me moving on, he saw me being happy without him. I guess my biggest piece of advice here is don't go on thinking maybe he will come back (although odds are good he will). Go on from here as this being a new chapter in your life. If he wants to be a part of that new chapter, he needs to show you that. Actions are what matter, not words. Not how he feels about you, not how he feels about his W, not how he feels about his family. If he wants to be with you, he will be.

 

You will be ok without him. Think about what you really had. Was it enough to really miss? Will you really miss worrying about events you'll miss out on because of him?

 

(((HuGS)))

[White Flower]

KG,

 

Nobody wants to bash your guy or make you focus on things you'd rather not. We're only helping you to be aware of things based on what he's told you. If you'd rather not deal with that, especially in light of thinking it is over for good then let all the c**p go and deal with healing yourself. Heck, if it is all true it then knowing it would certainly help you get over him faster. Like I said, anger is more powerful than sadness. But anyway, please take care of yourself.

 

Hugs,

WF.

[wildsoul]

Hi WS, do either this or 5htp cause any side effects? Loss of libido?

 

Just curious, and thanks.

 

WF.

You might Google a bit on that, but for me, NO. The only side effects I had were: 1. Nausea (until I switched to the enteric-coated brand.) 2. Tiredness (but that went away after a week.)

 

I was taking it while I was still with xSM, and didn't notice any loss of libido. I don't think it's the serotonin in anti-depressants that causes loss of libido, and I don't think I've read about that being a side effect with 5htp.

 

Some people don't like the lucid dreams that come with the deeper sleep, but I DO. I finally started dreaming vividly again (which feels normal to me, yay!)

[White Flower]

You might Google a bit on that, but for me, NO. The only side effects I had were: 1. Nausea (until I switched to the enteric-coated brand.) 2. Tiredness (but that went away after a week.)

 

I was taking it while I was still with xSM, and didn't notice any loss of libido. I don't think it's the serotonin in anti-depressants that causes loss of libido, and I don't think I've read about that being a side effect with 5htp.

 

Some people don't like the lucid dreams that come with the deeper sleep, but I DO. I finally started dreaming vividly again (which feels normal to me, yay!)

Good for you! I'll look into it.

[KismetGirl]

You might Google a bit on that, but for me, NO. The only side effects I had were: 1. Nausea (until I switched to the enteric-coated brand.) 2. Tiredness (but that went away after a week.)

 

I was taking it while I was still with xSM, and didn't notice any loss of libido. I don't think it's the serotonin in anti-depressants that causes loss of libido, and I don't think I've read about that being a side effect with 5htp.

 

Some people don't like the lucid dreams that come with the deeper sleep, but I DO. I finally started dreaming vividly again (which feels normal to me, yay!)

 

Sorry for contributing to the t/j of my own thread just had to add....

 

anti-depressents dont actually have serotonin in them...SSRI's for example (eg- Effexor, Celexa, Lexapro) are Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, which means they help to keep the seratonin you are already producing "in the synapse" longer before it is "re-uptaken" by the previous nerve cell. Meaning, it'll hopefully have more of an effect on your body and mind rather than being absorbed by the neurons too quickly, as it needs to be in the synapse (space between the neurons) to affect you properly. pills don’t produce that kind of effect (they don’t actually make serotonin), they just act by inhibiting or enhancing the re-uptake of neurotransmissors such as serotonin.

 

5-HTP is an amino acid precursor to seratonin, so while seratonin can't feasibly be taken in pill form orally to cross the blood-brain barrier effectively, the administration orally of certain precursors such as 5-HTP is theorized to assist your body in possibly increasing producton of , say, seratonin, which in itself is thought to be a regulator of mood, sleep-regulator, etc. Disclaimer: there really haven't been enough studies to comfirm this or that about the efficacy of 5-HTP and other natural supplements....but I guess they don't seem to be dangerous thus far so anything in moderation....

 

When I was a youngun (yes yes Im still young, but I mean like, really young....18-20 years and in college and deciding I was immune to all substances) and was in the habit of occasionally partaking in lovely substances such as 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (otherwise known as Extacy) I would take 5-HTP afterwards to help my depleted brain hopefully get some of my stuff working in order. Oh the ravages of youth....one may wonder if that contributed negatively to my future depression or not but that's another research study for another day. Listen to your mother- drugs are bad for you! Usually.

 

And thats just a brief smattering of the stuff I know on this all. It's way too much too type out anyway....google it all and go to reputable websites (eg- maybe webMD or some such thing) for more info. Wikipedia can occasionally be useful though dont take anything there as the end-all-be-all of scientific fact without further sources....

 

Gee, babbling about medications just distracted me for a good five minutes. I should try to do that more often.

 

to WWIU- i had a voicemail from him. have not listened to it. don't want to as curious as i am. probably just telling me he already deleted the pictures or something. if it was direly important he'd stop by my house like he has done a million times. or email me. he hasn't done it so maybe it was a mistake call. i don't know.

 

to GEL- i dunno if he's coming back, it's unlikely at this point. He wouldn't be ready to even acknowledge the deeper reasons of his cheating for a long time, me thinks.....guess we'll see what happens when his kids are all grown up and he doesn't have that excuse anymore. Hopefully I will not give a sh*t by the time that rolls around and have my own life and husband and all that good stuff and won't care if he's miserable or not. But you are right...in either case i need to be happy just with me. I think he started to see me get very needy/clingy and that skewed his perception of the type of woman I am, which really Im not normally that type...I despise the clingy needy type and never thought myself to be that way. Every time he came back before was when I was acting happy and like I didn't really care if he came back or not. Not that Im trying to be happy just so HE can see, god knows i dont see him daily and probably wont again for a long, long time if i can help it....but you know what, i DO want him to see me happy, and it would be nice if he felt that same longing I do, even if there's nothing that can or will be done about it. I dont know.

 

JJ- yes, being friends with him would both kill my healing process and be somewhat impossible anyway. The moron actually told his wife my name!!!?? Why I will never , ever know. So, there can never be "well gee honey, me and KG are going to go to the ballgame" again, cause now she's got my name associated with not one, but TWO suspicious emails in which he's lied to her, and if she ever sees me again Im sure even if its been ten years she'll notice my hair and think back to the time she found it in her bedroom on her bed. Healing will be ten times easier without having to see him...its just the little thins that remind you, even just random thoughts, that are hard to ignore, but I suppose that is something only time will take care of. Dont know how you work with the guy still....if I was still working with MM I might have gone mad. I almost did, when we worked together, which is partially why I left the company. If I saw one more person at work ask him to bring in the sonogram of his pregnant wife I would have seriously lost my mind. One of the single most uncomfortable times was the very same morning after the first time we slept together, we both went back to work and his supervisor at the time was there and somehow in the conversation about family something or other, she says "oh, MM, you're wife is lovely, and to think you could have been shipped back to the UK!, you should be thankful she agreed to marry you" and he uncomfrotably looks at me, looks down, and mumbles some sound of acknowledgment whilst turning red and making excuses about having to use the restroom to get the hell out of the room. Ha.

 

Whiteflower- Anger helps for sure, but sometimes it really is tiring. I just want to distract myself and forget for now. Im better than i was couple days ago but thoughts still creep in and willing up feelings of anger is somehow even more distracting. I am a very calm person normally (you'd never think from these posts huh?) , but I dont get mad easily, not like that. It is momentary usually (eg- some as*hole cuts me off while driving, I call them a big f**khead and go on my way), but when i get REALLY infuriated....it is somewhat consuming and people need to get out of my way. Im not sure if thats necessarily the best thing for me yet. I dont know. Dont get me wrong....I feel like I want to hurt him, hit him, break his car window, slash his tire, throw something at him, tell his wife every gory detail, tell his co-workers what a sh*t he is....but this is all anger anger anger and not sure it's a healthy sort at the moment....

 

Owl- Anger is good at some point, but right now when I think of stuff like "the stuff he took home to his wife" it doesnt make me angry. Well, it does, but more than anything it makes me somewhat sickened and depressed. Maybe in a month I will be more angry than sad, but right now having images like that in my head is more of a hinderance. Everyone heals differently, and I think I need to come to peace with the A being "over finally" before I can really be comfortable with also realizing other things and being angry. I dont know....dont worry, havent called him or anything, much as Ive wanted to sometimes. I did, out of a moment of weakness, cheak his schedule at work monday as he puts it up every monday (which is kind of why i never thought he could have too many women around as he is generally accounted for almost all the time during the day....but alas) anyway, so i checked his schedule and he seems to have purposefully avoiding scheduling the office down the street from where I live this week. I dont know if its because he's afraid to be tempted by driving past my place or he just doesnt need to go there this week. Oh well. i wont call to find out in either event.

 

Serenity- will check on the natural supplements. Never was good with taking vitamins and etc, which i should probably take as well in addition to trying to exercise. My anxiety never seems to be about school....Im one of those people who could study for three days before an organic chemistry exam when everyone else needed to study for two weeks and still do as well as most of them. Consider myself lucky i have a good memory i guess, its more a matter of being able to focus and not be distracted on exams, which i need to work on. I can usually get "in the zone" at crunch time. Fingers crossed i havent lost that ability in about 6 weeks from now...Anyway, the baby steps you mentioned that JJ talkd about might be better for me. Im not saying im focusing on the good memories from him, but rather I dont want to tell myself that ever good memory I had with him was a lie...does that make sense? Somehow it hurts more that way. I am angry, I do hate that he left me alone to go back to his wife, i hate that we'd have a wonderful birthday outing for me, followed by a rush home before she was calling him and wondering why he was home late that day. That all sucks balls. Holidays, all that stuff. I dnt forget the bad parts, trust me...i just dont want to think that four years of my life was really, truly a waste of time. It's like thinking about any failed realtionship, in a way...you want to think you learned from the expierience...not that you wasted x-amount of years of your life on an a** that just didnt give a sh*t about you. Which option sounds better? Maybe I'll be able to better handle the other stuff later, but for now focusing on things like "oh maybe there wer e other OW" or "oh he never cared about me AT ALL"....i dont know, they somehow hurt alot more. Like JJ said, she felt better at least knowing he cared at some point, even if the A altogether was a mistake, rather than thinking "oh what a fool i am he never cared if i was alive or dead". I dont just want sympathy, I love all the advice ive been given. Seriously, if I could take you all out for dinner to say thanks, I would.

 

DieHard- I hear you. It's just a time-game I guess...nothing can really cure it....but time time time. I doubt I will be hearing from him again anyway if I dont actually call/email him again at all. Which I guess is a good thing.

 

Sorry if I missed anyone, I'll be back later....I just made a blue cheese souffle and Im starving.

[whichwayisup]

to WWIU- i had a voicemail from him. have not listened to it. don't want to as curious as i am. probably just telling me he already deleted the pictures or something. if it was direly important he'd stop by my house like he has done a million times. or email me. he hasn't done it so maybe it was a mistake call. i don't know.

 

I'm really proud of you for not listening to his voicemail. Not too many would do that, not listen to VM by their MM after a breakup. Use this to make you stronger!

 

Hit delete, that way you're not tempted to listen to it..

[fooled once]

Did you listen to it?

 

I am amazed by your ability to not listen to it since you have been virtually bed ridden since the break up.

 

I hope you are doing better; I truly do. I hope you went to work and are doing the normal functions of life. Please do not let him take away your ability to get on with life. I understand grieving, I truly do. But he was never really yours to begin with and you never really that much of a relationship. I realize you had more time with him when you worked for him; but in the last 6-8 months, did you really see him much more than the quick come by in the mornings?

 

You have SO much in your future. I see too many people waste so much time and life on letting a bad situation take over every single part of your life. Fight through it and I am willing to bet, you look back in time and shake your head and wonder why you let him possibly ruin the rest of your life. You are so young still and have so much ahead of you!

[whichwayisup]

Thinking of you this weekend Kis..Hopefully this one is better than last weeks.

[KismetGirl]

Thinking of you this weekend Kis..Hopefully this one is better than last weeks.

 

thanks WWIU...havent been on here lately....guess I havent had anything new to say/report so i didnt bother.

 

i thought i was doing better for a couple of days, but coincidentally those couple of days were also days in which I slept all day, and then went out drinking with friends. Seriously, I haven't drank that much since college. I think I was drinking stright from 3 pm until 3:30 am, like 12 hours, on thursday night. I guess I didnt want to think so I went out instead of sitting home. It served its purpose. i didnt think about him really those nights, which is far easier to do, apparently, when I've had 8 pints of guiness, two vodka tonics, three shots of jameson irish whiskey and a shot of Patron. Unfortunatly, if I do that every day I might die. Alas. Too bad, because it was the first time in ten days I wasn't so depressed I felt like jumping off my building.

 

Last night I went out on a date with some random cute French guy that I randomly met when I was in London once as he's lived there 8 years, and has apaprently now moved to NY and remembered me enough to give me an email asking me if I wanted to have drinks, so I did. It was nice to have another guy I actually find attractive acting the same way back who is, you know, single and stuff but I found myself almost awkward about it, like Ive totally forgotten how to just be laid back and date someone normally. Today he told me he couldnt hang out because he has work to catch up on, and so I automatically assume the worst and have been in a funk all day thinking, oh, here's another one who has decided Im not worth it. I know Im desperately searching for a distraction....can't help it. My self esteem kind of sucks right now and I keep looking at everything cynically. Today I have been in a terrible mood again.....I stupidly looked up MM's profile on facebook and was expecting the same old picture of his kids he's always got up there, which is somewhat easier to glance at, but no, he changed it to a photo of himself, so there was his face staring at me from the screen again looking all....cute. *sigh* Just makes me wonder if he's forgotten about me so easily.

 

I can't win. I try to study and its impossible as I sit home being in a funk. I forget about my funk when Im out drinking with frinds, but i cant feasibly do that every night all night now can I , unless I intend to become a raving alcoholic, and fret not, I haven't got an addictive personality so I won't be going down that road.

 

I don't know. There isn't much I can do, I guess, but wait and hope. I really was so glad that i was distracted for a couple days this week due to friends asking me to go out thursday and friday and saturday having my date, but today sucks again. I suppose I'll keep having lots of these days intermittently....can't do much to make them go away totally.

 

Anyway, that's all for today, haven't really got much more to update. Just floating through each day , most days not too happily, missed alot of work but will try to be on time tomorrow as I can't afford to keep having my pay lessened by my missing so much time.

 

Thanks for checking up on me, though. Will probably come back soon just to ramble....hopefully I have something legitimately good to report sometime soon because not sure how much longer I can go on feeling this way.

 

I swear, sometimes I wish I had never applied to work at his company. My life might have been so much different...granted I wouldnt have met a couple people that have turned out to be really good friends, but whatever.

 

Off to try to pathetically make a study attempt, again. Hope everyone is having a good weekend...

[White Flower]

Last night I went out on a date with some random cute French guy that I randomly met when I was in London once as he's lived there 8 years, and has apaprently now moved to NY and remembered me enough to give me an email asking me if I wanted to have drinks, so I did. It was nice to have another guy I actually find attractive acting the same way back who is, you know, single and stuff but I found myself almost awkward about it, like Ive totally forgotten how to just be laid back and date someone normally. Today he told me he couldnt hang out because he has work to catch up on, and so I automatically assume the worst and have been in a funk all day thinking, oh, here's another one who has decided Im not worth it. I know Im desperately searching for a distraction....

 

Hi Kis,

 

One thing that always stands out to me when I read your posts is your need to 'hangout' with someone. Another way of saying it is to 'spending quality time' with someone. Have you ever read, 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman? Well, he explains that we have love languages that we demonstrate because we need them in return. Clearly, you like people to spend time with you, especially your S/O. I find it interesting that you would allow yourself to get caught up in a MM who would hardley spend any time with you. In your down time I would suggest picking up this book and doing a little self-discovery. Hey, it passes the time!

 

Here is the Love Language test:

http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp

 

Here are the 5 Love Languages:

 

words of affirmation

quality time

receiving gifts

acts of service

physical touch

[torranceshipman]

Hey KismetGirl,

 

I don't know if this helps, but...don't get wound up about expressing yourself 'the wrong way' and 'ruining' memories, or making him hate you or whatever. I'll tell you why. I had a LDR for yrs (on and off!) with this guy and we were really in love, but the distance drove us crazy - plus we were young...cue stupid actions on his part, and lots of crazy drama from me. Yes, crazy calls, emails and whatever else. Anyway, in the end I gave him a world of crap, things got very over emotional many, many times, and I felt like you did - that I was ruining things/memories and that it was very out of character for my usual cool, laid back self. It was such a bad break up that we didnt even speak for yrs....

 

...then 3yrs later, I get a call - he says he still loves me and never forgot about me, and then paid hundreds of dollars to fly me out to visit him, just so he could spend a few days with me. I almost cancelled about 20 times but went in the end! He bought me a little cuddly bear, took me out to dinner to nice places, was a real sweetheart., and the feelings are still strong...it was a sweet and romantic trip! - ultimately, he couldnt care less about this insane drama and over emotion on my part all those yrs ago, I guess because either he realised he played a big part in that drama, or simply because he still loved me...or whatever....but point is, you dont make that major effort for someone unless you dig them, and clearly venting, drama and an emotional break up didnt ruin any memories.

 

SO the lesson is....vent, be frustrated, BE YOURSELF and if that means giving it to him with both barrels, then do it. Your healing is important here. And as crap as it feels now, when the fog lifts, you will feel more free than when you were involved with him, when you were held back emotionally, wondering 'how he feels', 'when he'd call', 'what he's thinking', 'how to impress him'...whatever!

 

Then, think that the lovely feeling of closeness and love you got from him is waiting for you, but it is in a guy who can give you that feeling 100% of the time, not just stolen moments for 2% of the time when there is also another woman in the background, making you feel like crap. How AWESOME would that be! So definitely go out and find that - this guy is an idiot and has problems. I think he does genuinely care about you - a lot - he is just messed up completely and an ass - but yes he did/does care. I also guarantee he'll keep coming back, but only in the exact same way that'll really hurt you, so next time tell him to go jump (he'd still probably keep trying even if you were mean anyway, men like him always do!-but give yourself the satisfaction of calling him out as a loser and telling him to leave you alone next time!).

 

Hope that helps! Am rooting for you....and go to the gym and put the drink down - that'll help! And LOTS of dating with cuties!!!

[Owl]

So how are you holding out, KG?

[KismetGirl]

Hey

 

Well I don't know. Better than I was the first five or six days when I didnt go to work and felt like death.

 

Have been trying to keep busy. My test is in less than four weeks and Im a little nervous. I try to push MM out of my mind for most of the day , and Im better at it than I was a few weeks ago, but he still creeps in now and again and I get that tinge of pain right in my chest ad feel myself going off into some silly day dream again, but Im trying to not do that most of the time. Work is usually so busy I dont have time to breathe lately, which is sometimes good I guess as its distracting.

 

I tried going out on a couple "distraction" dates and have been since unenthused and sort of feel like maybe I should just forget about dating for a while, it's mentally tiring. I went out with that French guy a couple weeks ago, got very upset when I didnt really hear from hm for a few days, and now for the past week since I decided i didnt want to bother and realized that I liked him more due to the 5 martinis I had that night as opposed to him being a good match, he's been obviously calling me and trying to see me again like every day. But I could care less. I think I liked him that night more because I was desperate to like ANYONE but MM again, but I think maybe Im not ready for it , yet.

 

Im not quite as angry as I was for a few days earlier, Im more just tired and trying to focus on school and other things. I had a chance to go out with this other English guy I met a while back last weekend, and I didn't bother going. My friends, to say the least, were shocked, and were teasing me that I didn't take a date with the Brit seeing as how Im such an anglophile (har dee dar) but I honestly didn't want to deal with it. I haven't the heart for it right now. Once in a while it feels nice to flirt and etc, but its sort of temporary.

 

Still miss him alot....but suppose that is to be expected. I try not to think about him at all because I end up getting....longing and sighing alot and down on myself and that won't help me right now.

 

I guess time is the only thing that really helps. I had my depressed and crying phase for a few days, then I had my angry few days, my few days of drinking like a fish and going out every night to distract myself, then my week of various dates with guys i dont really have any interest in, and have now come to a place where I am simply mentally tired and realizing I have way too much to focus on. it's almost a relief sometimes when I think I dont have to worry every day or every week of making time to see MM, and wondering if he'll get in trouble that week, or blah blah blah. I think that threat of "the ending" loomed over me for so much of the A that it drove me a little insane, always wondering "is it over this week? next week?" i still keep having dreams about him but I guess those are a little harder to control....

 

but anyay, in a good way, I suppose, Now its just over, no more guessing on what is next. I havent spoken to him since the morning he came over here to break it off with me..,,,what....three weeks ago?. I sent him a couple emails that first week, he left me a voicemail that I never listened to and has since been deleted by accident, which is maube for the best. People keep thinking he's going to pop up again soon but I really don't think he will. My friends have made bets he'll re-appear within 8 months, mostly in jest but I think they have trouble believing its over, and hey, so do i sometimes! But it is, i think, this time, really. I keep hoping that soon I won't just be tired, as Ive felt so long. I think I should be happy that I , at least, feel some moments of relief here and there in a strange way. Im sort of non descript at best these days....but better than crying in bed all day. One step at a time?

 

Havent written alot on here cause, like i said, not sure i have much new to say. Or maybe i do? I dont know! So so tired. Thanks for checking in :-)

 

I'll probably come posting more once my exam is over and i have more time. Reading posts on here takes alot of time! :-) My aunt offered me the use of her house/car in california for a week while she is away and i think i may take her up on it as all i'd need to do is sort a flight which shouldnt be too pricey. Just fly out to L.A. for a week, maybe bring a couple friends, have some BBQ's, chill on the beach, and just not think. About anything. That would be nice. Thinking is overrated sometimes, if I could figure out how to just clear my brain temporarily that would be a great skill! cheers....