climbergirl Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 Before I started dating this guy, we were emailing and talking about my divorce. He said, "seems like everything gets f'ed up when you throw in the word 'committment'. So, I took that to mean that he's into casual dating and nothing serious. That was all good with me for the time being. But, now I'm confused if he really meant it. 1st date-brought me in to his work and introduced me to everyone. 3rd date-brought me to meet all his friends. And last night (4th date) he was suppose to pick me up at 10 to go bowling. He called me at 8:30 and asked me to come out to his work since his family was there and wanted me to meet them. Maybe I'm overanalyzing, but to me, this is looking like something less than a casual thing. Am I wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 You have to love these "no commitment" types! climbergirl, you're someone he's proud to be with, so he's letting everyone who's important in his life, meet you. So...NO, this isn't a casual fling! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 I agree it doesn't sound casual, but beware of the attitude. I mean, yeah, we've all experienced the frustrations that can come with commitment, but it's not the commitment that's the problem -- it's the lack of compatibility. My last guy and I started off together each with a string of serious relationships behind us, venting and complaining about the hazards of commitment. Eventually, he wanted the serious commitment and he got all into it. He introduced me to his friends and family really fast, though he said he normally takes forever to do that. Within 6 months, he was talking about marriage and kids. Eventually, he got "scared" and started going hot and cold on me. After a while of that, with numerous attempts to address the root issues, I ended it. Turns out this was his pattern. I read in a book about commitment phobes that they always move fast at first. Now, this might not apply to your guy at all, but if I were you, I would explore his cynicism about commitment further. It's one thing to acknowledge that emotions can make relationships more complex to navigate -- it's another to say that commitment screws everything up. That's coming at it with a lot of cynicism from the get-go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author climbergirl Posted April 9, 2009 Author Share Posted April 9, 2009 You have to love these "no commitment" types! climbergirl, you're someone he's proud to be with, so he's letting everyone who's important in his life, meet you. So...NO, this isn't a casual fling! (TBF) You know, I like that he feels that way, but I really thought guys-for the most part-stated up front what they wanted. They say they don't want a commitment, I believe them! Why say what you don't mean? Yeesh, give a girl a heads up! He even told me that he has purposely stopped dating in the past 5 months, because he's had to focus on what he needs to do. I thought maybe this is the norm now----> 'fast forward'. And I just can't do that. When we dropped off my car last night, I banished my kids upstairs. He asked why and I said that I didn't want things to be uncomfortable. He said, "why, I would like to get to know them". I didn't say anything and he said, "Too soon?" Yep Besides, why would I introduce my kids to a guy who claims that he doesn't want a commitment? His actions and words just aren't meshing. (Ruby Slippers) He's a bitter about his divorce--that I know. Married for 9 years and she was cheating on him. From what he says, even after he knew he tried to make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlygirl1977 Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 (TBF) You know, I like that he feels that way, but I really thought guys-for the most part-stated up front what they wanted. They say they don't want a commitment, I believe them! Why say what you don't mean? Yeesh, give a girl a heads up! He even told me that he has purposely stopped dating in the past 5 months, because he's had to focus on what he needs to do. I thought maybe this is the norm now----> 'fast forward'. And I just can't do that. When we dropped off my car last night, I banished my kids upstairs. He asked why and I said that I didn't want things to be uncomfortable. He said, "why, I would like to get to know them". I didn't say anything and he said, "Too soon?" Yep Besides, why would I introduce my kids to a guy who claims that he doesn't want a commitment? His actions and words just aren't meshing. (Ruby Slippers) He's a bitter about his divorce--that I know. Married for 9 years and she was cheating on him. From what he says, even after he knew he tried to make it work. His words imply that he has a problem with commitment but you think his behavior belies these words. I would say it's still early in your dating to say his behavior negates it - you will have to wait and see. E.g. If he moves to hot and cold then you will see the opposite. Let's see but this is not out of the woods at so early a stage yet - he may really be saying what he actually thinks. When words contradict actions, I think it's wise to be cautious. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 climbergirl, what are you looking for from him? Do you still want something casual? If so, just go with it. If you're looking for something long-term then yes, I agree with the other members to take it cautiously and not invest, until his words and actions consistently jive. Someone with history of betrayal, if they haven't completely moved on from a bitter stance, especially if they make references to "women this", "women, that", is someone to be wary of. He has to be at the point where he's forgiven his ex, but not necessarily her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 CG, for some reason I am seeing red flags ... Slow things down and delve some more before you begin to get invested Ask more about the ex and past relationships Link to post Share on other sites
Author climbergirl Posted April 10, 2009 Author Share Posted April 10, 2009 Well, I just got divorced. I wasn't looking for anything long term. BUT, I'm getting sucked in. He's (as I've said in previous posts) very attentive, a gentleman,...he's just so good to me. Things have been stepped up...we are spending Saturday together until he works and then spending the night here after he works. And he wants me to go with him on this biker rally thing next weekend. TBF, I wasn't really looking for anything, but enjoying my time with someone. However, to hear one thing and to hear of his past... I'm not one to spend time with someone so much if I don't see it going somewhere. But his words confuse me. He hasn't compared me to other women, outright I mean, but he does make statements about my personality that he likes. Seems like he's juxaposing me to another, if you know what I mean climbergirl, what are you looking for from him? Do you still want something casual? If so, just go with it. If you're looking for something long-term then yes, I agree with the other members to take it cautiously and not invest, until his words and actions consistently jive. Someone with history of betrayal, if they haven't completely moved on from a bitter stance, especially if they make references to "women this", "women, that", is someone to be wary of. He has to be at the point where he's forgiven his ex, but not necessarily her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author climbergirl Posted April 10, 2009 Author Share Posted April 10, 2009 CG, for some reason I am seeing red flags ... Slow things down and delve some more before you begin to get invested Ask more about the ex and past relationships I'm trying without being too obtrusive. He doesn't say much except for the bad...which makes me leery. You married them for a reason...right?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author climbergirl Posted April 10, 2009 Author Share Posted April 10, 2009 His words imply that he has a problem with commitment but you think his behavior belies these words. I would say it's still early in your dating to say his behavior negates it - you will have to wait and see. E.g. If he moves to hot and cold then you will see the opposite. Let's see but this is not out of the woods at so early a stage yet - he may really be saying what he actually thinks. When words contradict actions, I think it's wise to be cautious. I would say it negates it if he hadn't done the above in my first post. I wouldn't even fathom introducing him to my family/friends at this stage. But, I agree Girly, wait and see is probably best. But he's pushing more than I can handle ATM. Knowing someones true motivation would help a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author climbergirl Posted April 10, 2009 Author Share Posted April 10, 2009 Sometimes the sex is so good that the man is forced to reconsider. Nirvana doesn't need an exit. Haha! Brings up another point...yeah, we have slept together. And, no, I wouldn't sleep with someone else while with him. But we've only had sex a few times...I highly doubt that influences his actions. Trust me on this...heard of his past. He's pretty open. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 He might have just said that he didnt want a commitment, or whatever he said, because he thought thats what you wanted to hear. He may be willing to forgo being officially committed if it means keeping you around, at least for a while until youre ready. He knows you just got divorced, and sometimes you meet people at the wrong time in their life and it sucks. Sounds to me like he's definitely into you, but trying to be cool about labeling things until youre ok with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 He might have just said that he didnt want a commitment, or whatever he said, because he thought thats what you wanted to hear. He may be willing to forgo being officially committed if it means keeping you around, at least for a while until youre ready. He knows you just got divorced, and sometimes you meet people at the wrong time in their life and it sucks. Sounds to me like he's definitely into you, but trying to be cool about labeling things until youre ok with it. That's an interesting perspective BCCA. It's possible considering the situation, although sometimes, people change their minds. When someone right out the shoot expresses disinterest in commitment, it's usually a bolt-hole, in case things don't work out. I recall the guy I had an STR with last year, who expressed the "not looking for commitment" thing to me, on the first date. He also turned around pretty quickly within a couple of weeks of dating, looking for a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author climbergirl Posted April 10, 2009 Author Share Posted April 10, 2009 That's an interesting perspective BCCA. It's possible considering the situation, although sometimes, people change their minds. When someone right out the shoot expresses disinterest in commitment, it's usually a bolt-hole, in case things don't work out. I recall the guy I had an STR with last year, who expressed the "not looking for commitment" thing to me, on the first date. He also turned around pretty quickly within a couple of weeks of dating, looking for a relationship. If you don't mind me asking...how did that turn out? Sounds very similar to my situation, although I know you are engaged to someone else(congrats, BTW!). Did you ever figure out why he said his initial statement about commitment? Just wondering how it played out... Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 It's been my experience that people who say they arent looking for a commitment are either judging your reaction, or as you say, putting a disclaimer on the whole thing in case it goes south. If someone takes you out to dinner, or something like that, they want to date you. Someone truly not looking for anything but sex generally puts minimal effort and finances into anything. Its usually a 'want to come over, lets have a drink' kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 If you don't mind me asking...how did that turn out? Sounds very similar to my situation, although I know you are engaged to someone else(congrats, BTW!). Did you ever figure out why he said his initial statement about commitment? Just wondering how it played out... At the time, I wasn't looking for anything serious so I never bothered asking. He's an actor, so our lifestyles varied greatly, enough that it wasn't worth pursuing anything serious, at least from my perspective. If you consider how I divorced a cheating husband, the last thing I needed was a guy who I would read about, with this woman or that, real or just gossip rag fuel. When he wanted a relationship, I put an expiry date to it, the day he left for his next shoot out of town. LDRs aren't my thing. Tried it, never again. We're still friends, considering that he's my neighbor and back in town for a little while longer. We (fiance and I) went for dinner with him and his new love interest, not too long ago. It was a lot of fun. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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