He won't set a date

[Shelly85]

Previously I was engaged for a year with a guy who wouldn't set the date and then finally he came clean and broke up with me. Literally 3 days later a friend of many years asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought it was too soon, but I said yes anyway. We moved in together 3 month after. We lived together for 1.5 years. He lost his job and was being lazy and not looking for another one. I was supporting him and got into credit card debt paying for his half of the rent, groceries and I even bought him a car because his broke down. He had actually quit his job (after being laid off) against my wishes, and he apologized later. When I was laid off I left and went to another state to set up a new life for us in a place with more opportunity. He stayed to have a little bit longer with his friends, and he couldn't stay with me at my Grandparents' and we couldn't afford rent.

 

I told him that getting married and having children was important to me. He said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me (like living with him was some sort of audition). I told him I wasn't going to wait forever. Before I left he finally told me that he was sure he wanted to marry me. I thought that to mean that he actually wanted to marry me, like as soon as we were re-united.

 

So, I got lucky and came into some money and we don't have be apart any more. We can buy a house and start our new life. So, I asked him where he wanted to get married, there or here and he said no. I ask him when he wants to get married "I don't know" when will you know "I don't know" why don't you know "I don't know" And then he says that he already answered the question and he won't answer it again! He said that he's not going to let me bully him into it. He just told me he will be ready when we're settled in. I don't understand why he's willing to leave everyone he knows and move to a new place to be with me, but won't marry me. And what's the point of getting married after getting settled in. Don't people usually get married first and then make a home together? When I asked him that he said I was being ridiculous!

 

I'm thinking about just telling me to forget it. Maybe I should tell him that if he comes out here he should get his own apartment, but I won't live with him until we're married. I think I've made a mistake by acting like we were already married by sharing my money with him. I'm not even that into him, I was just settling because I felt he really truly loved me. He's my best friend and I don't really want to break up. But, I don't want to audition any more, especially when I feel I might be able to do better.

[Lucky_One]

t I'm not even that into him, I was just settling because I felt he really truly loved me.

 

He's a smart man. You aren't ready to be married yourself.

 

Get yourself somewhere to live, get a job, get out of debt and live on your own. Date because you like the man you are dating.

 

And get married because the air you breathe doesn't satisfy your hunger for oxygen when the man you love isn't around.

 

Not because you are settling.

[jasmine5904]

It sounds to me that you're more in love with the idea of being married than the person you're marrying. You should NEVER "settle" - there should be no doubt in your mind (or your fiance's mind, for that matter) that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's much easier to hold off on the wedding now if you have doubts than to get divorced later!

 

In regards to money matters, I feel that it's fine to support someone when they're having financial difficulties, but only if they're actually trying to get back on their feet. And only if you have no doubt that they would do the same for you if roles were reversed! My fiance and I dated for 3 1/2 years before getting engaged, and lived together the entire time. We moved in together initially for financial reasons - he was living with his parents, and I could no longer afford my apartment by myself. Through the course of our relationship, we've both went through hard times, and supported each other until things got better. This only made our relationship that much stronger. Now we both have great jobs, are new homeowners, and are planning our wedding! But this wouldn't have been possible if we hadn't helped each other out over the years.

 

In my opinion, it sounds like your guy is just taking advantage of the situation and doesn't really want to get married. If I were you, I would make him get his own place and see how it goes from there. I wouldn't give him the ultimatum of "I'll only live with you if we're married" though; just give yourselves the time and space to be independent from each other until you're both ready. If you can't live with each other before you're married, it won't change after you're married.

[BlackLovely]

[Previously I was engaged for a year with a guy who wouldn't set the date and then finally he came clean and broke up with me. Literally 3 days later a friend of many years asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought it was too soon, but I said yes anyway. We moved in together 3 month after. We lived together for 1.5 years. He lost his job and was being lazy and not looking for another one. I was supporting him and got into credit card debt paying for his half of the rent, groceries and I even bought him a car because his broke down. He had actually quit his job (after being laid off) against my wishes, and he apologized later. When I was laid off I left and went to another state to set up a new life for us in a place with more opportunity. He stayed to have a little bit longer with his friends, and he couldn't stay with me at my Grandparents' and we couldn't afford rent.

 

I'm not sure how you were able to be dumped by your fiance and live with a new man three months later. It seems like you would do anything to avoid being alone. I wouldn't have allowed him to sponge off me for that long, nor would I buy a car for a lazy boyfriend.

 

I told him that getting married and having children was important to me. He said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me (like living with him was some sort of audition). I told him I wasn't going to wait forever. Before I left he finally told me that he was sure he wanted to marry me. I thought that to mean that he actually wanted to marry me, like as soon as we were re-united.

You are very desperate to want to marry a man that refuses to work. He only said he wanted to marry you so that you wouldn't leave.

 

So, I got lucky and came into some money and we don't have be apart any more. We can buy a house and start our new life. So, I asked him where he wanted to get married, there or here and he said no. I ask him when he wants to get married "I don't know" when will you know "I don't know" why don't you know "I don't know" And then he says that he already answered the question and he won't answer it again! He said that he's not going to let me bully him into it. He just told me he will be ready when we're settled in. I don't understand why he's willing to leave everyone he knows and move to a new place to be with me, but won't marry me. And what's the point of getting married after getting settled in. Don't people usually get married first and then make a home together? When I asked him that he said I was being ridiculous!

I'm confused as to why you would beg to marry a loser. He only wanted to live off of your money and move on to the next victim. You are being ridiculous if you keep this idiot around you.

 

I'm thinking about just telling me to forget it. Maybe I should tell him that if he comes out here he should get his own apartment, but I won't live with him until we're married. I think I've made a mistake by acting like we were already married by sharing my money with him. I'm not even that into him, I was just settling because I felt he really truly loved me. He's my best friend and I don't really want to break up. But, I don't want to audition any more, especially when I feel I might be able to do better.

I'm glad that you see that you shouldn't share so much money with some slob. Please learn to care about yourself more dear. You can do better, you just need to truly believe that.

[Lauriebell82]

It doesn't sound like he is ready and you shouldn't push him into it. I understand the desire to get married but saying that you are "just not that into him" tells me that your settling..as you seem to already know.

 

It doesn't sound like he ACTUALLY proposed either. You don't REALLY want to marry him, it doesn't seem like he wants to marry you. So why are you concerned about a date?