Skar'd

[skar]

He found me, I didn't find him. Turkish, handsome, charming, confident, intelligent, I had never met such a person before. Gave him the 'I've got a boyfriend line' which didn't stop him, and that attracted me to him even more. He was fun, honest (or so I thought). I gave him all I could. He also got me saying the "I love you line' which I felt becoming more real every day. He complained that I had too many people calling me and so I reduced that, then he said that I was too friendly and shouldn't smile too much coz he had never met a receptionist (my casual job) who smiles as much as I did (well guess what I lost a lot of friends and so was only dependent on him). Then one day he said that sometimes he goes through these periods when he is unhappy and likes to be alone and shuts out everyone and his family and best friend (who I actually got the feeling was the girl friend) understand this. He slowly started not answering my calls, so I chilled and didn't message him as much. Then it reduced to a call a day, 2 days, 3...

 

It got bad when I had exams and so was studying for a week and the day I finished my exams was the day before he went home for a two week holiday(2nd July). I asked him when his flight was leaving and said that he didn't like people saying bye to him. Then I asked him what time I was going to see him that night, then he said that he had dinner at his uncle's, but could see me for an hr before that. I wasn't happy then coz he knew I hadn't seen him for a week and I told him to have a great trip and enjoy dinner. He called and explained that it was traditional and had no choice, which became the next excuse, 'my cousins this and my cousins that'. He returned from his holiday monday and saw me thurs. He started ignoring me coz I see him quite often, still giving ridiculous excuses. His friend didn't return after the holiday break and he said that he was unhappy with himself for coming back coz he hated the place. He then said that he wouldn't be happy for a while, and for some reason stopped taking me to his place and turning corners whenever we approached, saying he hated being there coz all he did was think. Well I thought I would be the 'good girlfriend' and stick by his side coz it seems he didn't have that many friends (on his birthday (June) before he went home on holiday only had 3 friends came over). Then I saw him once a month for a month for dinner or something, with a rare tuesday visit when we would watch a movie or something. He then finally took me to his place where I found a girls shirt and jacket (bad taste ofcourse), when I asked him, he said that he had invited me to his place and wouldn't do that if he was seeing someone else. He said it had nothing to do with us (his cousin and his girlfriend who I had never met did use the place and he would sleep over at mine) so I sort of believed that.

 

 

His phone started ringing more frequently and he would leave the room when answering phone calls. He also started making comments about my looks, saying I look pretty but if only my eyes were a bit bigger/u didn't have the fat around your waist when the whole world would say I am as skinny as, or my head looks big today e.t.c and belive me, I was the most gorgeous person in my eyes, there would be no where I would go without someone whistling or telling me that I am gorgeous. But when I looked in the mirror,all I saw was someone who had lost all confidence, someone who was unattractive.

 

Then one day a friend of a friend told me that she saw him with someone else, and was confident it was him. I panicked went to his place and heard a womans voice in his flat. I knocked on the door for about 10 mins, no one came. I called him and after a while he answered saying he was in the city and I said I was at home. He was supposed to come over that night, but he didn't. He came the next day all grumpy, cold e.t.c and when I asked him if he had been with someone else, he said he was at his cousins. I didn't know whether he had been with someone coz the girl had only met him once four to five months ago and she had mentioned this before when he was at work a week after I had just met him(which I hope he was).

 

A week later we went for dinner, and the next day he came and said that he was over the unhappy period and needed to de-stress, go out drinking meet people and all but that it was up to me. He said that he wouldn't rule out meeting someone new, and that he would get tired of it and come back. He just needed sometime out. I told him to take the time, but I had had enough, I wrote to him telling him how he had made me feel and that I was going to detach myself from the relationship while he destresses and maybe finds himself someone else. I told him that we could be friends if he wanted. Well two days later he was ringing me, but I had gone out and left my phone home on purpose coz I wanted to have fun. He left messages and when I got home, I messaged him saying 'went out, and left phone behind'. He messaged back saying ok. Didn't ring him all weekend and monday evening he calls me while I'm doing Yoga classes and leaves a message saying 'how can we be friends if you don't pick up your phone (being friends can't work if you still have feelings for the person, they may take advantage of that) Next day he came over, said he didn't ask me to stick by him through his rough period, he then said sorry for treating me the way he did. I asked him if there was someone else, and he denied it. He then said he had to go and asked if I was okay and I said I wasn't but I would be fine. He then took out a rose and apologised again, then there were tears from me and he said I should have been happy and not crying.

 

Well we made up and things were fine that week till friday (two weeks ago) when we went to the movies. After the movies he got a call from someone and moved away from me to talk to them. He then asked whose place we were going to, I said his coz I didn't have to work the next day. He didn't seem too happy with that. Well we went to his place and I wasn't too happy after the call, so I asked for some alcohol, which ofcourse settled things for me. Well while in the middle of making out (around 11:30, 12 pm), someone started knocking on his door, he told me to go to his room and went for his mobile (why not say get dressed). I went to his room and I asked him who it was, he said he had no clue, and said that none of his friends ever came to his place without telling him. Well the knocking kept on going and got louder and louder and I asked him to ask who it was. I then asked him if it was a girl and he said that it wasn't a girl. I ofcourse got weak in the knees fell on his bed and just started crying, he then asked me why I was crying and I told him it was because I felt like it. The knocking wouldn't stop, and I kept standing up and asking him who it was and then my crying got louder and he came and sat next to me and asked why I was crying coz it wasn't another woman, I then said I was in that same position a week ago, that was me. I then told him I wanted to go home, only becuase I wanted to see the woman on the other side. He then said he would take me once the knocking stopped. Well when I think the person had gone, he told me to shut up in a harsh voice and I told him not to tell me to shut up, he said it again and I told him in a firm voice not to tell me to shut up.

 

He walked around for a bit came back and then said let me take you home, I then said I am not going anywhere. He didn't hear me and asked me to say what I had said again and I told him that I wasn't going. He then started talking to me in an angry voice giving me the 'it is not your place talk', I just remember a rush of anger flow through my body, I got up and screamed, 'f**k your place, f**k you, f**k...this and that and everything and the words didn't stop shooting out of my mouth. I had never been so angry in my life, infact I have never sworn at anyone ever in my life. I grabbed my stuff and kept shouting. While I was half way down the corridor he called out saying I had forgotten something, I turned around, told him to f**k off agin and said a million other things which I can't really remember. Got down stairs and screamed out asking who had been knocking on the door, there was no one there. I walked all the way home screaming and angry. I cursed everyone and everything. I got home, broke the rose he gave me, he called me, but I didn't pick up coz my phone was still on silent from the movie. I went to bed, woke up a couple of times, starting to regret what I had done, giving myself excuses saying that I had been in the wrong, I over reacted, oh I shouldn't have sworn at him, you don't swear at someone who you love and respect so much.

 

My friends came the next day, I spent the whole day and the next few days with them which was fantastic, I didn't even think of him much. But when I was alone, I felt the guilt creepn in. I called him and apologised for my behaviour and he said that it will never ever happen again, never... I heard people in the background and so I wasn't too comfortable with that and told him that I knew that it wouldn't happen again and told him to take care and we said our bye's. I then messaged him the next day asking him if I could talk to him, not over the phone. Two days later he messaged me back saying we could meet the next morning. At 11:30 the next day I messaged him asking him if he was going to come over or whether he wanted me to come over. He said we would meet at the oval outside my college at 12, fair enough. He messaged me saying that he would be a little bit late and he had never ever been late before. He showed up half an hr later, sat down and I told him that I was sorry about my behaviour and he said he was ok with it. I didn't want to apologise for what I had done but only for swearing at him, I mean who knocks on a door for half an hr at midnight, I had done something similar, it could only be a woman. There was silence, he was not going to help me and so I asked 'is this it?' and then he said, 'what did you expect,' and I told him I didn't expect anything. I then offered him to pick up his stuff, which he did and he said that he would see me around.

 

Many a times I want to call him and apologise and say I had been childish e.t.c, but I was angry, disappointed, hurt and even if I did swear at him, if he did love me which he does not, he cold have at least tried to find out why I swore e.t.c. I won't lie, i miss him like crazy, sadly, I think I would take him back if he came back (he's too proud though, would rather die), but I know things wouldn't be the same. I keep regretting the fact that we had just made up and he was going to change. But deep inside, if that is his personality then he won't change. What I think I am in love with is who he was at the beginning and unfortunately I am also attatched to him in some emotional way which I can't seem to fight off.

 

I look at what I have written and can clearly see all the signs, that this guy wasn't there a hundred percent. But everytime he did see me, he would make me smile, act like he really needed me even though he didn't care after that. Everytime I told him there was a problem he would totally twist it around and make it look like my fault.

 

Watch out people there are people out there who are a lot smarter than you are, good with words, smooth as silk, no matter how professional you think you are, I'm a doing a double degree in law and commerce and no one could win an argument, I was always right, but I met my match, and sadly we are the same age, 23, he's 2 months younger than me. I maybe wrong in my judgement, he may have told the truth, if he did it is my loss, if he didn't then it is for the best.

 

What I need to know is whether I reacted in the right way the last night I was with him.. and why do I still feel this emotional attatchment to him, when I really don't want to see him again (tho I have no choice really)... This attatchment makes me miss him, want him e.t.c when I really don't respect him that much anymore for what he did to me??? I really need help coz my studies are struggling

 

thanks for taking the time to read this long long e-mail but I had to let everything out, I had to tell someone... u

[MIKEY]

I read bits and pieces but from what i read yoiu need to drop this loser. I have seen so many girls try for guys like this only to be unhappy with him. you will be happier in the long run if you find someone who klnows what they want and wont try to cahnge u

[skar]

You are right Mikey, he is a looser. I just wish the feelings I still have for him would go away, the lonliness and the pain are still there. I've been doing well tho, haven't called him or contacted him for three weeks, lets hope I can keep it up...

 

thanks heaps.... Skar

[ArdeaCandidissima]

I am sure you feel horrible. You were very close to and dependent on this man, and he treated you shamefully. The worst of it is the way the tenderness and loving behavior are mixed up with the lies and abuse and humiliation so that you have a hard time even telling them apart, or start doubting the clear reality. Not to worry. We here at Loveshack will help you see the reality. For instance,

 

I keep regretting the fact that we had just made up and he was going to change.

 

You know this isn't true.

 

This may sound weird, but CONGRATULATIONS for breaking it off and keeping the breakoff clean, meaning no contact whatsoever, ever again. I don't care what the reason may be - do not accept or fabricate any excuse for seeing him or talking to him or writing or emailing to him. Treat him like a highly contagious plague victim the mere sight of whom at 100 yards will cause you to break out in pustulent sores.

 

Why do you still feel attachment? Well, for millennia the poets have been trying to answer this one. It probably has to do with oxytocin - or endorphins - or adrenaline or something like that. The feeling of lingering attachment and desire IS real, but you need to train yourself to suppress it and dilute it. It will fade.

 

Despite ups and downs, you will be feeling better again one day. To make that day come more quickly, do the usual coping things:

 

* Get counseling

* Stay active with sports, recreation, your work, busy activities like music, crafts and volunteering

* Spend time with friends

* Take care of your body

* Think specifically about what good things you've lost due to this relationship (companionship, closeness, sex, excitement, a feeling of belonging, circle of friends, etc.) and then take specific steps to rebuild each of those good things in your life - in a good way

 

I've always found that those very angry and hurt moods are great times to clean out attics, garages, refrigerators, closets, etc. I get a lot more junk "ash"canned fast when I'm in that mood. Good luck!

[skar]

Hello ArdeaCandidissima

 

You are right, I shouldn't even be thinking of this of this guy after how he treated me, the problem may be that I am too forgiving, 2 nice and that is why he took advantage of me. I know that I am more special than he treated me and so shouldn't be with such a person.

 

I am proud to say, tho it has been hard to do, that I haven't contacted him in three weeks and I must say I am proud of myself. I'm just worried that I am going to run into him because we are at the same college, and all sorts of feelings may come rushing back. I'm tired of being weak, I'm tired of feeling this pain and emptiness inside, I'm tired of feeling as though I have lost, I want to move on.

 

My fear at the moment is being able to trust someone again, being able to let myself go, I still feel very vulnerable. I just hope that there is someone out there who will help rebuild what has been broken and taken away form me over the past 6 months.

 

Thank you so much Andrea for your words, they couldn't have come at a better time...was feeling kinda low....thanks again....

[moimeme]

Make a list of all the hurtful/awful things he did. Reread it often. It is tempting (and human nature) to forget the bad stuff. Sometimes, to extract oneself from a relationship, it is necessary to force oneself to dwell on the reasons the relationship is a bad idea in the first place.

[jenny]

i think you will be fine - reread your post and look how many great things you have to say about yourself! i expect your self-esteem will be overflowing again very soon.

[skar]

I had an afternoon nap today and I had a dream all about him filled with all the fears that I had about him. They were so real in the dream, though I was shocked, I managed the whole thing quite well, that is in the dream ofcourse. When I woke up, I wanted to see him just one last time and have things end on a better note.

 

He did treat me wrong, very wrong and I do have a lot going for me, just need my heart to heal a little bit quicker. Things will get better...

 

thanks guys

[hopeinternational]

It's awful for now because your focus is still on him. It will continue to be so until you can look elsewhere. Try to spend more time with your pals, family or some hobby. As much as you can, get your mind off this guy, and after some time, you'll look back and realize how far you have come since these "dark days". Time heals, but it'll help even more if you can get yourself moving.

 

I believe that there are some truly good chaps out there whom you've not yet met. Give them a chance.

[skar]

Hi Guys

 

It's me again. Just wanted to thank you guys for your advice. Unfortunately I saw him today, three times all up and my stomach feels horrible, I keep skipping a breath and frankly I feel preety sad. I'm going to see some friends to keep my mind off him.

 

I know it could never work between us ans so I really wish I could stop feeling like this...