RecordProducer Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Can you talk to them about your problems in the relationship with mutual understanding or are they driving you nuts? Do you feel that your problems are being resolved after a constructive conversation or do you argue until one of you gives in? Do they ever admit they're hurt and sad or do they get angry and act like a control freak? Please share. Thanks. I am very open, but if I feel that my feelings are disregarded, I get nasty. My husband is more reserved; he avoids conflict and pretends he doesn't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 Nobody responded? C'mon, peeps. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 My guy is wide open and so am I, within the boundaries of civility, respect and courtesy. We argue well together, in that he's a de-escalator and negotiator. Sometimes he rolls over, sometimes I roll over and sometimes we compromise. This is truly the best relationship I've ever had! He's such a grown-up, which forces me to be grown-up too! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 i thought you were divorced Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 i thought you were divorcedShe is in the honeymoon phase: met the guy 3.5 months ago and they've been engaged for 2 months! I know you'll laugh, but when you meet the right person, you just know it. Ain't love grand? We really make up our minds within a week - the following year is just reassuring ourselves that they indeed ARE the right one. (The year after that, we don't know anymore... ) Link to post Share on other sites
kakui215 Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 My wife is a fortress. I don't think we've ever been able to have an open conversation about our relationship without me first feeling like I've got to scale the walls, duck the arrows, and dodge the burning oil. Almost the only times I've ever heard her open up and admit she might have even been wrong about something to do with our relationship were when I caught her in out-in-out lies. We've been married for 15 years and we have 4 kids. From the earliest years of our relationship, she was very closed, but I had hope that she would become more open as time went on. That was a big mistake. Even on our honeymoon, she seemed to close up even more. As the years went by, I would make attempts, but retreat too quickly and, over time, try to spend more and more time away from her, sometimes drinking or getting high. Needless to say, the way I dealt with it wasn't exactly good for our relationship and she began to resent me. It turned into a vicious circle of disfunction. Just over 3 years ago, I finally stopped running away from it and I started trying to address it and figure out how we could repair our relationship. I had hoped she would joing with me in that effort. I wasn't surprised when she didn't right away, but I kept at it, figuring that since she had kept having kids with me there would be enough love left to motivate her. But just trying to talk to her about it, let alone even getting her to read one of the various books I had gotten for "us", was next to impossible. About 11 months ago, just when I had almost given up but was really trying to renew my efforts to be a better husband for her, I found out that she was having an email/phone affair and was making plans to make it physical. I discovered an email that she sent to her lover. I couldn't believe it. In it, she spoke with an openness that I had never heard. It broke my heart. I confronted her about it, and she opened up to me as she never had, and she promised that she would change. 11 months later, I'm still going to marriage counseling alone and we seem to be stuck in a cycle where I try to get her to talk to me, then after a few weeks go by and I get more and more frustrated and more and more depressed, I finally confront her, she gets pissed off, then she backs down and makes the same promises again. Lately, things actually seem a bit better, but I'm still trying to figure out what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
sky1200 Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Nobody responded? C'mon, peeps. Are you divorced yet? I thought you were going through a divorce more than a year ago and pursue law? Or is this a subsequent husband? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Fort Knox without the gold I keep plugging away because it helps me feel good about myself. Regaining personal health one day at a time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 i thought you were divorcedOh, I guess this referred to me? I thought you were talking to TBF. No, I am not divorced. For as long as two people love each other, it's not over. Lately, things actually seem a bit better, but I'm still trying to figure out what to do.My first thought was that she wasn't open with YOU. The fortress type of people open up only under certain circumstances. Read this: How to Get Your Spouse to Open Up By: Frank Gunzburg PhD (Copyrighted Text removed by Moderator. Do a Google search for information from Dr. Gunzburg.) Link to post Share on other sites
voldigicam Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 She's starting to become more open, even with the head injury. But mostly closed up until about 5 years ago. Things are getting better as far as discussion goes. For example, she admits that our disparity in sex drives is her problem. That she has zero sex drive. And that it impinges on her. She's not willing to do anything about it yet, but she's admitted I'm not a pervert for wanting sex more than a few times a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 She is in the honeymoon phase: met the guy 3.5 months ago and they've been engaged for 2 months! I know you'll laugh, but when you meet the right person, you just know it. Ain't love grand? We really make up our minds within a week - the following year is just reassuring ourselves that they indeed ARE the right one. (The year after that, we don't know anymore... ) I thought he was asking about you too. Yes, we're in the honeymoon phase, then wedding, then next honeymoon phase which will include multiple daily practice to make babies, then we'll keep practicing until we make babies! Link to post Share on other sites
burningashes Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 As far as I know, I'm a very non-confrontational person and prefer to bury my head in the sand while my bf is a very head on person and wants to solve problems right there. I tend to want to talk about it and get it over with so everything's good again, while he will analyze and talk about things to death. He admits when he's hurt or angry- I do too, although I apologize more and admit it when I'm wrong. He doesn't, at least when it comes to arguements. I've been slowly learning that I can't put aside problems, because he won't let me He's the first guy I've come across that will write long emails explaining how he feels and what he thinks about things, etc. While he doesn't get emotional, he cuts the BS and gets down to the bottom line. I think he's the woman in this relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Can you talk to them about your problems in the relationship with mutual understanding or are they driving you nuts? Do you feel that your problems are being resolved after a constructive conversation or do you argue until one of you gives in? Do they ever admit they're hurt and sad or do they get angry and act like a control freak? Please share. Thanks. It totally depends on the topic and the time of day...or rather time of month. Sometimes I am the closed one and she is the open one, and other times we reverse the roles. Usually the problems are resolved yet there are topics that seem to resurface and the same old arguments keep coming back. Are you divorced yet? I thought you were going through a divorce more than a year ago and pursue law? Or is this a subsequent husband? And your other username is...? Or did you take the time to research RP's history? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Are you divorced yet? I thought you were going through a divorce more than a year ago and pursue law? Or is this a subsequent husband?How is this related to the topic? No, I am not divorced and I am starting law school this summer. I think he's the woman in this relationship!Haha! So funny! Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Can you talk to them about your problems in the relationship with mutual understanding or are they driving you nuts? Do you feel that your problems are being resolved after a constructive conversation or do you argue until one of you gives in? Do they ever admit they're hurt and sad or do they get angry and act like a control freak? Please share. Thanks. I am very open, but if I feel that my feelings are disregarded, I get nasty. My husband is more reserved; he avoids conflict and pretends he doesn't care. You should find out what motivates him. It sounds like he is very interested in things being peacful... while you want intimacy. I remember him being a giant douchebag. Has he changed at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 You should find out what motivates him. It sounds like he is very interested in things being peacful... while you want intimacy.That's a very interesting thought! Link to post Share on other sites
fral945 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Yes, my current SO is highly reasonable and understanding. We have resolved our issues peacefully to this point (2 months in). She doesn’t pout like a child when things don’t go her way. In fact, she’s the type of girl that goes out of her way to be accommodating (which is a rare find, IME). My past experiences have been with more selfish women, so this is new territory for me. Of course, I (being the typical male) admittedly try to avoid confrontation and instigation and don’t like arguing. I’ve brought a few of the big issues up I’ve noticed initially, but she seems to think we can work through them. I personally have my doubts about some things, but am continuing on to see how things progress. I like the fact that she is not the type of woman who takes the idea of open to the extreme (basically using me as an emotional whore). I like her balanced approach, as she will bring up big problems or issues but doesn’t overwhelm me with petty ones and constant nagging and complaining like my past SO's. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Yes, my current SO is highly reasonable and understanding. We have resolved our issues peacefully to this point (2 months in). Did you say you've been with her for TWO MONTHS? Link to post Share on other sites
fral945 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Did you say you've been with her for TWO MONTHS? :laugh: I know, we're in the honeymoon phase. But she is different two months in than any of my previous experiences. I have a good feeling about her so far. Link to post Share on other sites
OregonTraveller Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 My wife will talk quite honestly about most things. And sometimes its gotten her in trouble. I tend to remember the '2 ears 1 mouth' analogy. But there seem to be certain subjects I've learned that are off limits to talk...at least at home (sex for example). Sometimes the communication is open...and sometimes the best/only answer is 'Yes dear'. Link to post Share on other sites
datura_noir Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 My husband is the classic conflict avoider; he lets things fester until they are so obvious to me that I have to ask "what's wrong?":p He has told me that he has trouble being open, unless he drinks and he really doesn't like when I am open at times, because it makes him uncomfortable....but he's soooo loveable I get past it:love: Link to post Share on other sites
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