Out of love with wonderful husband

[bib12]

hi, i'm new on here. Have been reading other posts, looking for others in similar situation - whether to leave a marriage with no "valid" reason. No abuse, no addictions, no infidelity, just not in love anymore.

 

I am married to a wonderful man, we have 2 kids together, and appear to be a perfect little family and couple. Nobody would guess how unhappy I am. The problem is not him - he really is a great man, great father, great provider, great friend, and if I were into it, a great husband.

 

I feel angry with myself for not being able to make it work, but I can't help but feel like I don't belong in this perfect life I seem to have. Not that I don't deserve it, just that I don't fit. I often wonder if I'm just not suited to being married. I can't imagine being married/committed to another man. The one I am with now would be hard to beat. What is wrong with me? I wish I was more "normal", and could just relax and enjoy what I have, but I kind of feel I'm living someone's else, if that makes any sense.

 

We had kids early in our relationship, which didn't give us much time to really get to know each other and figure out our roles I guess, before we became parents. Then, my attention switched to the babies, he felt rejected and left me on my own to work/socialize more, I resented feeling abandoned by him, I was hormonal & depressed, and you can see how it all just snowballed. I built up a wall, got back to feeling independent (my normal nature), and I think I'd be fine without him. He, on the other hand, has wanted to get closer to me, and is now the one doing most of the "work" (after I gave up). I'm not blaming having kids for our problems, but it may have emphasized our issues.

 

We do get along, but we don't have much in common. I feel the classic 'love for him, but not IN love with him' (and I'm not in love with another man!). I find myself irritated when he's around, I'm not myself, I prefer being alone or with other people, and it's an effort to be attentive and behave lovingly. I'm not mean to him, but I'm not affectionate anymore the way he would like me to be. I think he's a better person than me (I'm not down on myself, I just really do think he's a better person). We don't often fight, except more lately b/c my lack of love has made him insecure, and less of a man.

 

Sex used to be ho-hum, but since I told him i was really bored with it, we've been having amazing sex. Which doesn't reflect the rest of the relationship.

 

We talk about our feelings, and he's trying so hard to keep me. We're going to MC this week.

 

I feel guilty and selfish for wanting to leave a "perfectly good marriage", but I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. Can the feeling come back? How? The ideal outcome here is for me to get back into it, and stay married, but if I can't bring it back, should I stay for the kids and stability? There is no "real" reason for me to leave, other than years of feeling unhappy. I've been feeling like this for a long time, probably more than I have felt happy being married.

 

I know, marriage takes work, and people give up too easily. But what is it I'm working on, if I can't give him love anymore? I often think he would be better off with a woman who shared his interests more, and could give him the attention and love he deserves. And I could be better off on my own too. But the kids?

 

I feel confused and guilty, irresponsible and selfish. wise words welcome!

[sunshinegirl]

Wise words = individual counseling.

 

Marital counseling might help but seems like you need to get at the roots of your dissatisfaction. With kids in the picture you don't want to make any hasty decisions that you might regret later.

[imagine]

Your emotional needs are not being met.

 

Don't cop out on marriage. Meet it independently and together with H. Independently read up on the subject of marriage(His Needs/Her Needs-Dr Harley). Together meet each others need.

 

Your marriage is now a team based on your promise to each other. You two should be one. Don't drop your friend, don't drop yourself. And yes, the marriage is going to be work. Those things that are worthwhile require work.

 

Independence is a propagation from Hollywood. Don't bite.

[katieruth]

I can say that I'm going through exactly what you're going through. For months, I've been feeling like I'm falling out of love with my husband. It was hard to admit at first, but then one day, about a week ago, it just hit me. I really am not "in love" with him anymore. I still love and care about him; he's a great father to our 2 year old daughter. There were things that made me mad at him for years and I told him and asked him to change and he waited until the moment that I told him that I wasn't in love with him to try to change. It seemed like he stopped caring about himself and I feel that in some ways, that made me stop caring about him too. He would wake up in the morning lay in bed and sit on his lap top and watch TV, then go to work, then come home, get back in bed and sit on his lap top and watch TV. He stopped caring about his body too. I felt like I was out of love with him and didn't even have a desire to fix anything.

 

Then today, I was sitting in my psychology class and it just dawned on me. Somewhere along the way, I got lost. I lost all sense of direction and purpose in my life and I just lost myself. Never in my life have I felt so confused about everything, about which path to take. It was at that exact same time that I realized I wasn't in love with him anymore. I know marriage counseling won't work for me because it's a personal problem. I'm hoping to start some individual counseling this week. I need to work on fixing myself before I can work on fixing us. Additionally, I think I might start going to church. I think finding God might help me too. Hope this helps.

[sky1200]

Here is the problem. Today's woman often comparing their own lives to Hollywood stories. "I am not happy, because I am not IN LOVE and thus, I am going to cheat or divorce."

 

In some countries, not long ago, these women are stoned to death. They are just simply selfish, only thinking about their own needs and wants. What about the the vows, what about the kids....are you going to give them broken homes and increase the chance of ruining their lives?

 

If your spouse doens't cheat on you, doesn't physically abuse you, has full-time job, and does not do anything criminal, you have the moral obligation to stay married. This is not even a religous view. If it's a religious view, you can only leave your marriage if you're being cheated on and maybe if you're physically abused to a point where your life is in danger. Grow up, emotionally, and be responsible.

[Sprokkett]

Bib, I had to do a double take, after reading your post, I thought you were my wife (soon to be ex-wife)!

 

Anyway, I feel like I am in a similar situation. But, I'm the guy! The only thing my wife faults me for, is the way I spoke to her... And , apparently after all these years , she had enough and now she has the common theme of finding "happiness".

 

Can someone please answer why , apparently, everyone loses themselves in marriage or any relationship, become unhappy, begin separation, begin to feel better???

 

This is exactly what is happening in my current situation. My wife seems like a pro while we go thru this separation. She apparently feels better about herself and is happier. Of course, she loves me,, (ad nausea!) , no longer IN love with me...

 

What gives???

[soserious1]

Here is the problem. Today's woman often comparing their own lives to Hollywood stories. "I am not happy, because I am not IN LOVE and thus, I am going to cheat or divorce."

 

In some countries, not long ago, these women are stoned to death. They are just simply selfish, only thinking about their own needs and wants. What about the the vows, what about the kids....are you going to give them broken homes and increase the chance of ruining their lives?

 

If your spouse doens't cheat on you, doesn't physically abuse you, has full-time job, and does not do anything criminal, you have the moral obligation to stay married. This is not even a religous view. If it's a religious view, you can only leave your marriage if you're being cheated on and maybe if you're physically abused to a point where your life is in danger. Grow up, emotionally, and be responsible.

 

 

so if he slaps you around just a lil'l bit it's all good? if he's online viewing porn till his eyes bleed it's all good?

 

Women should be happy we're not being beaten or stoned to death ?

 

Sorry but I don't think it out of line to require a little more from my life than that.

[Tony T]

Most marriages settle in to the state yours is in once the initial chemicals of passion fizzle out. That's life. Unfortunately, you had expectations that there would be eternal fireworks. Sometimes there are intermittent fireworks with some couples over longer periods of time...but most don't even get to the great level your marriage is in. I am very sad to be the one to tell you that your situation is about as good as it gets after the initial stages.

 

Mother nature has a way of bringing people together for the sake of breeding. Once that takes place, nature could care less about the two people. At that point it's totally up to them to make it work. Mother nature makes two people excited for purposes of reproduction...not having a lasting romance. You need to ask around to others who have been married for five, ten or more years and ask them just how their marriage is working. Most of them would be very jealous of yours.

 

I think if you ended your marriage you would be very sorry. The chances of you finding another situation as good as the one you're in are minimal. You may be right...you may just not be meant to be married. If that's the case, end it and don't make anymore promises that you have no idea whether or not you can keep.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think you owe it to yourself to figure out why you want to run away from such a good and decent person. something is clearly wrong with you. Relationships go through it's phases it's ups and downs but it always be forever down. Also you have to realize if you do leave another woman will gladly enjoy our good man, since you dont want him? I mean what was the point of even being married if your just gonna end it anyways?

[LakesideDream]

If I was 30 or 40 years old a post like this would scare the hell out of me. At my age it's "ho-hum". I have read this so many times. I've lived it.

 

You are married to what you call a great guy, who you once loved. You have two children, he's a great father. Now that's not enough.

 

I wonder, does life need to be as exciting as a Romance novel? Does a guy need to look like "cover art" to keep you mildly interested?

 

Like others I suggest that you get some individulal help to deal with what has made your life so uninteresting.

[Gunny376]

"Satin sheets to lie on, satin sheets to cry on.................."

 

What your going to find out is that you can leave the marriage and still find yourself unhappy, or that your really not cut out for being married ~ period!

 

Some folks are? Some folks aren't? IMHO I don't think any of us are.

 

But none the less, I belive and would suggest individual personal counseling and dealing with your issues, (we all have them) first and foremost before throwing the "baby out with the bathwater)

 

The first thing you should do is get to 'skipping' down to a GP/MD and get a full physical. Hormones in both men and women drive a lot of what we say, do and think? Could be a thyroid problem, this that and the other.

 

Once you've got a clean bill of health? Get a second opinion. Dr's make mistakes too!

 

Then you might want to get into some ID counseling to clean the 'ghosts' out of your closet.

 

We all need a serious reality check from time to time! Life comes at you fast, and before you know it your up to your neck in marriage issues, family issues, bills, employment issues, security issues,...................the list just goes on and on and on!

 

I would suggest that you start reading and educating yourself about inter-personal relationships, dating, mating, romance, communicating, differences between men and women, etc.

 

Two things that our educational system fails us on is personal finance and personal relationships ~ its simply not discussed nor taught. Not in the formal (nor in-formal) education system, not churchs,......anywhere?

 

Don't be a fool! Get yourself back into school and learn! You got married young, and you didn't know half of what you needed to make it work from the git-go!

 

Per centage wise your chances of making it work with someone else are about the same as the Titantic ~ and they had band playing for Her as she slipped under the waves?

 

I've seen different numbers but the divorce rate for second time marriages is somewhere between 62 to 70%. Your best shot at true love and happiness is with the guy you initially married and had babies with!

 

Men are like the Phillsbury DoughBoy?

 

You've got to take them and kneed them, mold them, teach them, show them, get rid of all the crap their Mom's taught them ~ and show them how to treat you, interact with you, and what you need?

 

People treat you the way you teach them to treat you!

 

Sounds to me? In your DH ~ you've got a most willing student!

 

Granted you had to crack a 2X4 across his forehead!

 

But just like a mule?

 

You've got his attention!

[pelicanpreacher]

You seem like a decent woman who got disillusioned with marriage the moment your husband "showed his azz" and rejected your agenda in favor of his own when you started having babies. This past transgression is holding you back from opening up and being vulnerable again because of the insecurity you felt then and is now shaping your viewpoint on remaining married. Try to remember the fact that you also rejected his agenda in favor of your own during this time period and understand that the door swings both ways before you decide to hold onto this particular angst and begin casting stones. Also reflect on how obsessively you may have behaved in pursuit of your own agenda and the insecutiy you imparted upon him during that time frame to ask youself what kind of dulling effect it had on your relationship as well.

 

Give your husband some credit in that he may have recognized the damage his selfish and immature behavior caused your relationship way back when and is trying to make amends. Can you do the same?

[pink smartie]

Bib, if you are still reading and it doesn't offend you, I wonder if you could give me some insight on my situation. I started a thread in this section called Should I walk away from man in middle of a separation?

 

There are a lot of parallels between his situation and yours. His wife also fell out of love, they have two children. He recently started dating and that is how we met.

 

I am in no way suggesting that your husband might be looking elsewhere, so I'm sorry about how rude this questions sounds: how would you feel about your husband dating somebody else?

 

I honestly echo the feelings that you two should do everything in your power to work things out, from private counseling to mariage counseling. Building a family with someone is a beautiful thing, not to be taken for granted.

[bib12]

Thanks for the wise words. I'll go to the MC, and book some individual counseling too.

 

I don't want to throw away something good, but at the same time, don't want to spend my life feeling like I don't belong in this partnership. Not fair to him either!

 

Thanks again!

[PWSX3]

I would like to share something with you.

 

I don't know if you are a Christian, but if you are I would really recommend a Christian counselor.

 

I know if me & my former wife would have seen a Christian counselor we might have been able to make it work. We had been going to a counselor & it wasn't helping, but after she moved out I started seeing a Christian counselor & he has helped me SO much more.

 

I really wish you the best. We all have demons from our past that we need to deal with. They do affect our present life.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

[Loxx]

I read somewhere that love is not a feeling but an action!

 

That if you preform the acts one would normaly preform when the feeling of love is there, that the Feelings will return.

 

I think your in a rut and you should do your self and family a favor, work though it.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I read somewhere that love is not a feeling but an action!

 

That if you preform the acts one would normaly preform when the feeling of love is there, that the Feelings will return.

 

I think your in a rut and you should do your self and family a favor, work though it.

 

This may have been Steven R Covey - "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People;" it is true and does work!

 

I feel very strongly from what I have read here that the OP will deeply regret ending this marriage if she should choose to do so, and, there is also a good possibility that the regret will come at a time when it is too late to change what has happened... ie, either she or him (or both) have remarried...

[Dexter Morgan]

bib12

 

you might just be a fickle type of person and wouldn't really be satisfied with any man over a particular length of time. Some people just get bored being with the same-old same-old for too long.

 

So if you have a wonderful husband now and are just bored with married life, if you do ever get divorced, it might be wise for you to not get married again.

[sumdude]

I remember a conversation I had with my ex wife sometime after the divorce. From her point of view it seemed that I 'checked out' of the relationship for a while.. then when I checked back in she had checked out. It went back and forth that way a little while.. in our case just a couple of years. She gave up a lot quicker than I did from my point of view though. Felt like right at the moment I saw the way through the forest she was already gone.

 

Thing is life happens fast, one day your madly in love finding every moment to steal away together. Next thing you know your building a life together and excited about it. You get into a routine and things seem just fine. Then you hit those times in life when work, family issues, people getting sick and passing away and suddenly you ask yourself "Is this all there is?!" You might feel trapped or cornered in your life and try to find the cause in the wrong places.

 

Call it a mid life crisis or an existential crisis. It doesn't always happen in your 40's or any particular age. Add the fact that stress ruins more relationships than anything else and life can seem so hard to figure out.

 

That you recognize your husband as a good man and hard to replace says something to me about your doubts. There's no rush right? In the span of a possible lifetime together?

 

You're at a crossroads in life where you have to take stock and figure out what you want and who you want to be for the next stage in your life as an individual. Your husband may or may not need to so the same. You have the kids to think about too. Figuring this stuff out can take time, a year or two maybe. When I've talked to people who have stayed married through old age they'll say they've fallen in and out of love numerous times

 

Are you sure you can't do that while still being married?

Are you sure you can put the reasons for how you feel on your marriage or husband?

Are you sure that you and your husband can't communicate well enough to get through this phase and see the possibility of light on the other side?

 

Cheesy as it sound there was a rock song from some years back with some good advice..

 

"Hold on loosely but don't let go"

[brokenglass]

This thread has touched me. I feel like I am in a similar situation. My ex fiance and I of 6 years recently split up, we have a child together. She gave me the whole, I love you/not in love routine. She felt "stuck", she felt like she had to get out, that I made her subservient, that I forced her away from her family.

 

I wasn't making things better, but by the time I realized what I needed to do to fix things, she had checked out.

 

Now she lives with her mother and our son, is still depressed, still hasn't found herself, still feels stuck. But she is sleeping around a lot, that seems to help. Especially when I come around and try to be a nice guy and a friend, she just loves giving me an attitude and **** all the time.

 

My point being is, people like you always seem to think the grass is greener, or that the green grass you're standing on is dead.

 

Happiness in life is what you make of it. If for some reason, you aren't happy with your wonderful life and husband, then you either need to learn to be happy with what you have or throw it away to chance for something better.

 

But I can guarantee you will move out of that house and 6 months later find yourself feeling even ****tier than you did when you were married.

 

Happiness comes from within, not from the outside. I hope in time you, and also my ex, learn this. If you can't be happy with what you have and make more happiness from it you are forever doomed to be miserable.

 

Its not your surroundings, its you. Good luck with everything, I truly hope you figure this out and stay with that man who obviously loves you.

[SadMan1]

the op could have been written by my wife. i think there is some good advice in here. i think it's a sign of our times. women are liberated and see opportunity everywhere. they didn't used to have this option, in the same way. but, as someone said, life is not all exciting and romance. it has long doldrums, and sometimes is just ho hum. you have to work through that. love isn't butterflies in the stomache everyday, that's something else. love is enduring and sacrificing. it's almost militant to me; it's duty. duty to your children, and duty to honor your promise and commitment. it's for the larger good. this idea that each of us needs to be self-fulfilled and happy is a pipe dream. in most of the world, people are just happy to have a lilttle food and be alive. while maybe a little extreme, i think there are a lot of people out there being selfish and giving up too quick. if you have children involved, you really need to hang in there. you got married, so you loved them enough to stand there in front of a bunch of people and say, "i'll be with you for better or worse until death do us part". that's a commitment you made. and, now, a few years later, you decide you didn't mean that? i seriously question people's character, at that point. i really do. now, if someone says they are divorced, if i get to know them, i'll ask what happened. if they have a story like, "i just fell out of love" or whatever, i will likely not consider them much of a friend because when times get tough, they'll drop me like a bad habit. it seems to be an epidemic problem today.

 

ok, i realize i'm being harsh, and i'm new here too. so, don't hate me. i just have strong feelings about this right now.

[Alan430]

the op could have been written by my wife. i think there is some good advice in here. i think it's a sign of our times. women are liberated and see opportunity everywhere. they didn't used to have this option, in the same way. but, as someone said, life is not all exciting and romance. it has long doldrums, and sometimes is just ho hum. you have to work through that. love isn't butterflies in the stomache everyday, that's something else. love is enduring and sacrificing. it's almost militant to me; it's duty. duty to your children, and duty to honor your promise and commitment. it's for the larger good. this idea that each of us needs to be self-fulfilled and happy is a pipe dream. in most of the world, people are just happy to have a lilttle food and be alive. while maybe a little extreme, i think there are a lot of people out there being selfish and giving up too quick. if you have children involved, you really need to hang in there. you got married, so you loved them enough to stand there in front of a bunch of people and say, "i'll be with you for better or worse until death do us part". that's a commitment you made. and, now, a few years later, you decide you didn't mean that? i seriously question people's character, at that point. i really do. now, if someone says they are divorced, if i get to know them, i'll ask what happened. if they have a story like, "i just fell out of love" or whatever, i will likely not consider them much of a friend because when times get tough, they'll drop me like a bad habit. it seems to be an epidemic problem today.

 

ok, i realize i'm being harsh, and i'm new here too. so, don't hate me. i just have strong feelings about this right now.

 

Man i dont think your being harsh at all. I think this is spot on. statically speaking 50% of marriages end in divorce and 75% are initiated by the wife. Now given im sure there is alot of cheating in those statics, but just read this forums. The i love you not in love with you horse **** seems to prevail. I wish i knew where this whole epidemic is comming from. Over my 10 years of marriage there were times i didnt like my wife much but i always stood solid for the family, and i was repaid with "i love you, but not in love with you!". "I want more" no matter how bad it hurts you or our child.

I think the whole divorce process actually encourages it. Why not get a divorce iF he is not perfect. I can take half his ****, collect CS even if its 50-50 custody and get him for alimony. I can work at Buger King with no responsibility and make 75k a year. While he is has been reduced to living like he works at burgerking but working in a high stress job.

 

Blah sorry for my venting, having a bad night...

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I can take half his ****, collect CS even if its 50-50 custody and get him for alimony. I can work at Buger King with no responsibility and make 75k a year. While he is has been reduced to living like he works at burgerking but working in a high stress job.

 

I love it! Alan you had me rolling with this one...

[Alan430]

If you see a woman working the drive through wearing all kinda bling.... Tell her, her ex husband says hi!

[Chris1979]

i am so glad i found this forum, it has really helped with alot of stuff that i am going through right now, and it is amazing how many people have extremely similar stories, i may or may not post my own thread on my situation, but for the time being this is the thread that is really interesting me, as it can enable me to see things from my wifes perspective other than my own, perhaps i should mail her the link lol, anyway, thanks for all the advice from afar