Out of love with wonderful husband

[natz1983]

hi, i'm new on here. Have been reading other posts, looking for others in similar situation - whether to leave a marriage with no "valid" reason. No abuse, no addictions, no infidelity, just not in love anymore.

 

I am married to a wonderful man, we have 2 kids together, and appear to be a perfect little family and couple. Nobody would guess how unhappy I am. The problem is not him - he really is a great man, great father, great provider, great friend, and if I were into it, a great husband.

 

I feel angry with myself for not being able to make it work, but I can't help but feel like I don't belong in this perfect life I seem to have. Not that I don't deserve it, just that I don't fit. I often wonder if I'm just not suited to being married. I can't imagine being married/committed to another man. The one I am with now would be hard to beat. What is wrong with me? I wish I was more "normal", and could just relax and enjoy what I have, but I kind of feel I'm living someone's else, if that makes any sense.

 

We had kids early in our relationship, which didn't give us much time to really get to know each other and figure out our roles I guess, before we became parents. Then, my attention switched to the babies, he felt rejected and left me on my own to work/socialize more, I resented feeling abandoned by him, I was hormonal & depressed, and you can see how it all just snowballed. I built up a wall, got back to feeling independent (my normal nature), and I think I'd be fine without him. He, on the other hand, has wanted to get closer to me, and is now the one doing most of the "work" (after I gave up). I'm not blaming having kids for our problems, but it may have emphasized our issues.

 

We do get along, but we don't have much in common. I feel the classic 'love for him, but not IN love with him' (and I'm not in love with another man!). I find myself irritated when he's around, I'm not myself, I prefer being alone or with other people, and it's an effort to be attentive and behave lovingly. I'm not mean to him, but I'm not affectionate anymore the way he would like me to be. I think he's a better person than me (I'm not down on myself, I just really do think he's a better person). We don't often fight, except more lately b/c my lack of love has made him insecure, and less of a man.

 

Sex used to be ho-hum, but since I told him i was really bored with it, we've been having amazing sex. Which doesn't reflect the rest of the relationship.

 

We talk about our feelings, and he's trying so hard to keep me. We're going to MC this week.

 

I feel guilty and selfish for wanting to leave a "perfectly good marriage", but I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. Can the feeling come back? How? The ideal outcome here is for me to get back into it, and stay married, but if I can't bring it back, should I stay for the kids and stability? There is no "real" reason for me to leave, other than years of feeling unhappy. I've been feeling like this for a long time, probably more than I have felt happy being married.

 

I know, marriage takes work, and people give up too easily. But what is it I'm working on, if I can't give him love anymore? I often think he would be better off with a woman who shared his interests more, and could give him the attention and love he deserves. And I could be better off on my own too. But the kids?

 

I feel confused and guilty, irresponsible and selfish. wise words welcome!

 

Hi i'm new to this site, i found your thread and so much rings true to what i am going through at the moment, My husband and i are seperated but he is still living at home we have two wonderful daughters and he worships them, he is everything you described your husband to be but i like you am confused. He hasn't moved out for 2 reasons the first being it isn't his fault i feel this way so why should i ask him to leave and the second is the girls we don't feel they should know whats going on until we do. I don't feel i need to see a counsellor as its something i don't yet feel i have answers to myself, i can't even put in to words how i feel so talking to anyone including my husband would be pointless. I am not a horrible person but seeing how he is feeling makes me so upset, i still care for him very much that is something i can not switch off but love? It just doesn't feel like its there anymore. When i took my vows i knew it would be forever so to feel like this is just awful, i always promised myself if it didn't work out (not in a negative way) i would never marry again and the same still stands i am not doing this because i want someone else i'm doing it to find myself, i have felt lost for a very long time and i find it hard to talk to people, this was the case after i had my second baby i had ppd very bad and just bottled it up until i exploded. I feel my way of thinking when it comes to expressing goes back along way when i had something very unfortuante put upon me but i had counselling for that. I also feel he doesn't trust me and that hurts too, i have never cheated or thought about cheating on him and it hurst when i feel like he doesn't trust me. People around us are praying we work things out for us as much as the girls but i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I look back on our history and we have had some amazing times together as a couple and as a family but we have also been through a lot too that did make us stronger, we have also been throuh some real crappy times (like all marriages) he keeps saying i always look at the negatives but i really dont i look at the situation from all angles. Can i really stay in a loveless marriage? He is despertate to get back what we had and a part of me is too but i feel that i can only do this on my own i need to find me i am lost

[PWSX3]

Hi i'm new to this site, i found your thread and so much rings true to what i am going through at the moment, My husband and i are seperated but he is still living at home we have two wonderful daughters and he worships them, he is everything you described your husband to be but i like you am confused. He hasn't moved out for 2 reasons the first being it isn't his fault i feel this way so why should i ask him to leave and the second is the girls we don't feel they should know whats going on until we do. I don't feel i need to see a counsellor as its something i don't yet feel i have answers to myself, i can't even put in to words how i feel so talking to anyone including my husband would be pointless. I am not a horrible person but seeing how he is feeling makes me so upset, i still care for him very much that is something i can not switch off but love? It just doesn't feel like its there anymore. When i took my vows i knew it would be forever so to feel like this is just awful, i always promised myself if it didn't work out (not in a negative way) i would never marry again and the same still stands i am not doing this because i want someone else i'm doing it to find myself, i have felt lost for a very long time and i find it hard to talk to people, this was the case after i had my second baby i had ppd very bad and just bottled it up until i exploded. I feel my way of thinking when it comes to expressing goes back along way when i had something very unfortuante put upon me but i had counselling for that. I also feel he doesn't trust me and that hurts too, i have never cheated or thought about cheating on him and it hurst when i feel like he doesn't trust me. People around us are praying we work things out for us as much as the girls but i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I look back on our history and we have had some amazing times together as a couple and as a family but we have also been through a lot too that did make us stronger, we have also been throuh some real crappy times (like all marriages) he keeps saying i always look at the negatives but i really dont i look at the situation from all angles. Can i really stay in a loveless marriage? He is despertate to get back what we had and a part of me is too but i feel that i can only do this on my own i need to find me i am lost

I have to disagree with you on the part I highlighted. Now IS when you need to see a GOOD professional, they will help you sort through your thoughts & questions.

 

If either of you are religious I would like to suggest two things:

Google Henry Cloud/John Townsend, what both you ladies are going thru are very common & they say it can be fixed.

 

Google Steve arterburn new life...Steve HATES divorce & I feel if you are really serious about working on your marriage maybe some of the things they talk about would help.

 

I have taken one class, I'm in the process of taking one now & plan on taking another this fall that Henry Cloud/John Townsend have on DVD. They have been so helpful for me in my personal grouth & I really feel if you are serious about your marriage that they could give you answers.

 

 

Even though I am now divorced I really believe staying together is the answer (just my opinion) but it takes 100% from both sides to make it work & in my situation my former wife was the one that filed, but I didn't see any changes in her to show me she was willing to work on it.

It's not a matter of "if" you will have trouble but "when" you have troubles & that is when you have to work the hardest...It has taken many years for you to get to this point & it will take a while to get you out of it, their is NO easy fix!!!!!

O.K. Off my soap box....

[sucre8095]

Bib. My wife is going throught the same thing with me, but it resulted in an adulterous affair on her part. Although she said she wanted to work things out, yesterday she reiterated that she did not love me and just wanted to some space. We do not sleep together, but live in the same house raising our 4 children.

My question to you is, what is you want that would excite you about your partner. What if anything could spark that intimacy or emotion back into you? I have tried alot of things and my wife just put a wall up. My advice to you is to suggest some romantic or quality time events that you and your spouse will cherish and remember always. I think the more events the better, try and find time for the both of you so that you can appreciate more. I also agree with MC. I would like to try Christian counseling as well, that sounds like it could help. Can you guys tell me where I could find that? Local church? or Christian group?

For men and I could be wrong, but everything is black or white with us. We can't handle the gray areas very well and the clues could be there, but I will never pick it up. I would appreciate your response as I'm trying to win my wife back. Thanks.

[seibert253]

Bib. My wife is going throught the same thing with me, but it resulted in an adulterous affair on her part. Although she said she wanted to work things out, yesterday she reiterated that she did not love me and just wanted to some space. We do not sleep together, but live in the same house raising our 4 children.

My question to you is, what is you want that would excite you about your partner. What if anything could spark that intimacy or emotion back into you? I have tried alot of things and my wife just put a wall up. My advice to you is to suggest some romantic or quality time events that you and your spouse will cherish and remember always. I think the more events the better, try and find time for the both of you so that you can appreciate more. I also agree with MC. I would like to try Christian counseling as well, that sounds like it could help. Can you guys tell me where I could find that? Local church? or Christian group?

For men and I could be wrong, but everything is black or white with us. We can't handle the gray areas very well and the clues could be there, but I will never pick it up. I would appreciate your response as I'm trying to win my wife back. Thanks.

 

Have you started the 180? If not start, it worked for me.

[msfrench]

OK, maybe you are in a rut. Or maybe you are not the same person you were when you got married. Which is how I feel.

 

Our marriage was predicated on being friends. We did a lot of things together, and always had a wonderful time. We rarely fought. We neither one wanted children. We were low key about everything - money, house, life etc.

 

Then I started feeling dissatisfied, and couldn't figure out why. I felt like we'd drifted very far apart. I began counseling. I think what I'm realizing is that I have a very good friendship but not a good partnership. We really don't see eye to eye. At 40-something, I want more than a good time. I want someone who will help me grow, will enjoy growing with me. And I'm no longer sure my husband is that person. He's great, and I don't fault him, he's exactly the same as the man I married. But I'm not exactly the same woman.

 

So a choice you made 13 years ago has to last forever? Or can you say "We had a good run."

[TrustInYourself]

Every marriage that lasts, has points where people fall in and out of love.

 

Real love isn't some feeling you get, it's a choice.

 

What is the catalyst for these feelings. Do you know what you want? Why you feel this way? Be honest with yourself.

 

Let me know your thoughts.

[cheerone]

I mean how many woman are feeling this way... I am thinking ALOT... I recently told my hub the same thing and realized that I had checked out a long time ago... Sadly 2 kids later I feel stuck to stay for my kids. They are my WORLD.. I am sleeping in the guest room and trying to work through everything. We went from rare sex to only drunk sex to NOOOO sex. I just feel horrible because he is the greatest guy and dad EVER! He deserves so much more than me! All of my friends are jealous and think I am spoiled. I just can't help that at the end of the day something is missing. It makes me feel like such a BAD person...

[SummerLady]

I think you owe it to yourself to figure out why you want to run away from such a good and decent person. something is clearly wrong with you. Relationships go through it's phases it's ups and downs but it always be forever down. Also you have to realize if you do leave another woman will gladly enjoy our good man, since you dont want him? I mean what was the point of even being married if your just gonna end it anyways?

 

Chrome I love your posts. Direct and to the point. This is all so true. I have a very good friend that cheated on a wonderful husband. I would have loved to have a husband like hers as mine was a cheating bastard most of the time. Now that she stopped cheating she is constantly feeling guilty and torn to go back to the affair as she missses the piece of **** she was cheating on her hubby with. He is also married with kids and this is his 12th affair according to my friend. I let my friend have it, I was so mad that she had done this to her marriage. Even though the affair is over, there is so much damage done not sure if her marriage will survive. I can barely look her husband in the eye when I see him, the deceit makes me sick. Not sure why people have to F up the best thing that they got. Some of us just never really get it........And never will.......

[n9688m]

I feel confused and guilty, irresponsible and selfish. !

 

I don't think anyone can say it better than you did yourself.

 

I do also wonder if the grass will really be greener on the other side.

 

Most people would die for their children if need be. In your case, you are going to steal their childhood out of pure selfishness. Happy Mother's Day.

[Biggie25x]

I see this as a choice. Not an easy choice but a choice nonetheless. You are not dating, you are, you are not engaged. You are a family with responsibilities and with children. That means you don't get to say "we had a good run" or "do I have to stick with a choice I made so and so years ogo?"

 

Those questions are already answered the moment you said "I do." After that it is all a matter of character in my opinion. You are no longer a single entity but a part of a whole. You just need to find your place there again. You made a commitment not that there would be no problems but that you would stick together through them. If you have fought and I mean fought for your marriage and there is just no way to save it than I think it's okay to split.

 

This whole I want to be happier bit is a cop out. What have you done in your marriage to make yourself happier? Have you thought that you can make changes to make yourself happier plus be married? What have you done to try to make yourself feel more in love with your partner? While you might not feel what you need to feel at first if you both try you may get it back. What have YOU tried to do to save the marriage? How have YOU fought to save the marriage? This is your family, give it everything you have before you throw in the towel. If you don't, no matter how you feel now, I think you will regret it for a long time.

 

Have you been to counseling? How have you tried to re-light the spark? Not what has he done but what have you done?

 

Try these, fight for what you have, be sure of your decision based on outside impartial advice (not friends or family but people who have actually helped couples come out the other side of this). See what happens when two committed people give 100% to making it work.