kendo Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I have been dating my girlfriend for about 2 yrs now. When I met her I found out that she was struggling with a drug problem which she had kept hidden in the beginning. I am a business owner who has never had any problems with drugs unless you count inhaling a couple of times in college. In the beginning, we had what seemed to be a blossoming relationship. Needless to say the last 1 1/2 years have been hell. Between her ex BF who stole numerous things and jumped me and the drug addicts that she chose to hang out with it was a constant struggle trying to get things to where we could be a true couple. Finally a blessing and she ended up in jail which forced her to detox and she says she wants to stay clean. She has been going to meetings and is living in a halfway house. I understand her need for recovery and in my heart I want her clean and sober. The problem I have and maybe it is with me is that she seems to have replaced the drugs with the program and still does not have time for our relationship. She makes plans and constantly breaks them which obviously upsets me and then she blames her relapse on me. I admit that this is uncharted waters for me. It seems like I can not even ask her questions trying to understand or deal with things without her getting angry. I tried to ask her if us having a healthy relationship could be good for her recovery and she refused to answer. Does anyone out there have any advice for me? I do love her and I guess if leaving her is best for her then that is what I am prepared to do. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I have been dating my girlfriend for about 2 yrs now. When I met her I found out that she was struggling with a drug problem which she had kept hidden in the beginning. I am a business owner who has never had any problems with drugs unless you count inhaling a couple of times in college. In the beginning, we had what seemed to be a blossoming relationship. Needless to say the last 1 1/2 years have been hell. Between her ex BF who stole numerous things and jumped me and the drug addicts that she chose to hang out with it was a constant struggle trying to get things to where we could be a true couple. Finally a blessing and she ended up in jail which forced her to detox and she says she wants to stay clean. She has been going to meetings and is living in a halfway house. I understand her need for recovery and in my heart I want her clean and sober. The problem I have and maybe it is with me is that she seems to have replaced the drugs with the program and still does not have time for our relationship. She makes plans and constantly breaks them which obviously upsets me and then she blames her relapse on me. I admit that this is uncharted waters for me. It seems like I can not even ask her questions trying to understand or deal with things without her getting angry. I tried to ask her if us having a healthy relationship could be good for her recovery and she refused to answer. Does anyone out there have any advice for me? I do love her and I guess if leaving her is best for her then that is what I am prepared to do. I have seen people who get hooked on going to meetings and being inthe recovery community. I would give her all the space she needs and let her behavior show whether she wants the relationship. IMHO it doesn't sound like it. The people in the program suggest that new people don't get into a relationship for the first year because it is such a emotional area and drug addicts use because they can't deal with their feelings and emotions. I would not pressure her if I were you and ask a lot of questions. Just give her a lot of space and find yourself a new hobby or something. She'll come around. Also a lot of addicts go from using drugs to being promiscuous, so be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbles5 Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Its obvious ur girlfriend has gone through a lot n she was dealing with depression , so she took drugs alternative, she is going through a lot in mentally and emotionally , she is asking to leave u bcos she doesnt want you to be into this mess, but if u really do love her , then just help her,just stick by her side , unless n until she doesnt take ur advantage, u need to help her n support her, n u should act like father figure to her instead of her to understand , cant u see that she is going through depression,, Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 until you've walked in her shoes you'd never unnderstand it.i applaud her for her actions.her first priorty should be her recovery,if you care for her,be a great friend for now.if it's meant to be,there will be a future for you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Oh Kendo, I am very sorry for what you are going through. I'm sure it's very painful to see someone you love struggling like that. As for your relationship: Do you want her to get better? Do you want her to function and not have problems with the law, drug dealers, steal from people, ect? Well she needs treatment in order to do that which SHOULD be replacing drugs. That's the whole point. It sounds to me like she needs space to recover and she just can't do it with you. So if you love her you need to let her go so she can recover. Maybe in the future when she feels she is ready than she will come back to you. If you really and truely love her, you should do this for her. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Addiction. There is no cure. The only thing that can work , is to replace it. The hole left still needs to be filled and the best you can hope for is to fill it up with something good. But understand, addiction is obsessive by nature. To feed, to fill it ...is a NEED. So even if you replace it with something good, like a program, the person actually has to become just as obsessive about the program as they did about the addiction. A lot of times addicts or former addicts form relationships with similar people just because of this. Its hard for someone not following the 12 steps to really understand it. The need. You can educate yourself , everyone should be knowledgeable about addiction and probably the 12 steps because eventually we all are affected by someone using them. Your understanding would probably make your relationship better...or enable you to make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 An addict isn't really the sort of person to be in a relationship with. In this situation she is even lashing out at you too, she doesn't appear to value your help or presence. You don't have kids, you aren't married, why not move on? IF she makes a full recovery and stays clean for 6 months+, then you can try to make a second go of it. But right now I'd suggest you leave because she does not respect you or treat you with any civility. Link to post Share on other sites
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