possible childhood sexual abuse?

[lovesparis]

i've begun to suspect that i was sexually abused as a child. i have an appointment with a counselor scheduled, but i was wondering if anyone can direct me to signs/symptoms/behaviors of childhood sexual abuse or any websites that deal with the above?

 

thanks in advance.

[amaysngrace]

Hi. I found this website.

 

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/sexual-abuse-effects.html

 

I didn't really look around too much but it seems to be informative on saying what the primary side effects are.

 

All the best to you with your recovery.

 

XO

[lovesparis]

thank you for the suggestion. i will check it out promptly!

 

::gearing up for counseling:: eek.

[Lizzie60]

i've begun to suspect that i was sexually abused as a child. i have an appointment with a counselor scheduled, but i was wondering if anyone can direct me to signs/symptoms/behaviors of childhood sexual abuse or any websites that deal with the above?

 

thanks in advance.

 

If you have suspicions.. then you know some signs you have..

 

I've never been sexually abused so I don't have any advices.. but maybe you should ask your therapist.. I'm sure he has good pointers.

[lovesparis]

i guess i could give some more information... i had a memory surface that until it happened (maybe a month ago) i had no recollection of. it was me (age 4 or 5) and the 2 neighbor boys (b/w 5 and 7) and i don't remember what we were doing (playing "doctor" or whatever?) but i remembered we got caught. and that started my thinking and since then i've remembered other scenerios involving myself and my brother, with each other and with other children. i've talked to my mom some about it, for details on some things i'm sketchy in the memory dept... but she's writing it off as "normal" etc. and nothing to be concerned about.

 

i don't actually remember any abuse happening, but i am remembering things that would be classified as "sexual acting out" and so my red flags have gone up.

 

i was looking for some sites to check out to see if what i'm remembering is considered "acting out" or if it's "normal" ... i know the counselor will have some thoughts and resources for me, but i thought i'd go in prepared instead of "overreacting to some suppressed memories"

 

thanks, lizzie

[Lizzie60]

Oh sweetie... playing doctor with some friends your age ... or even your sibblings.. is NOT sexual abuse..

 

Sexual abuse ONLY occur with someone who is older or have some sort of authority on you...

[Enema]

^^ What she said.

[lovesparis]

yes, lizzie, i'm aware that playing doctor is not abuse. i'm not a child who needs spoken down to in a condescening manner.

 

what i'm saying is i am concerned about having been sexually abused (that i cannot remember) b/c a memory of "playing doctor" (which my mother said was NOT what was going on-- that it was more like manual stimulation/diddling when she found us) was a repressed memory. it concerned me... and i started to think a lot about my childhood and found a lot of what is called "sexualized behaviors".. which from what i've read is like the #1 indication of abuse.

 

reasons i am concerned:

1. repressed memories of fondling/being fondled by other children

2. my brother also did this at 2 seperate locations with 2 seperate neighbors, once threating another child if he did not do as my brother directed.

3. my brother and i fondling each other

4. i started masturbation around age 8. and i inserted objects into my vagina--- which is highly unusual for children who have NOT been abused.

5. i watched soft core porn on tv when i could find it (cinemax, aka skinemax) i watched hardcore porn through the fuzz on the tv hwen i could prior to being a teenage

6. from a very young age i was fascinated by my vagina i wanted to see it and would stare at it in the mirror

7. history of sexual abuse in my family by relatives (just found this out yesterday)

8. i have major trust issues/paranoia that effects my relationships. abuse would explain the onset of this.

9. my brother was a drug addict and eventually commited suicide

i mean my list can go on, but i won't

i know that independently of each other, each of these is inconsequental, but added up together, it just concerns me. and i would rather go to a shrink now and either find out it did, or find out i'm over reacting, than to end up a complete whack job with major issues when i'm middleaged.

 

i came here looking for some resources, from people who have experience with this, so i can go to my counselor prepared. believe me, i would love to be overreacing and to have my counselor say 'no this is totally normal'.

i did NOT come here to be spoken to in a patronizing manner. thanks, though.

[Lizzie60]

Nothing on your list suggest 'sexual abuse' I honestly think that you're over-reacting..

 

1. repressed memories of fondling/being fondled by other children

 

(normal behaviour among children)

 

2. my brother also did this at 2 seperate locations with 2 seperate neighbors, once threating another child if he did not do as my brother directed.

 

(again.. quite normal)

 

3. my brother and i fondling each other

 

(again.. nothing special)

 

4. i started masturbation around age 8. and i inserted objects into my vagina--- which is highly unusual for children who have NOT been abused.

 

Not at all.. it is quite common for little girls (even toddlers) to insert things into their vagina..

 

5. i watched soft core porn on tv when i could find it (cinemax, aka skinemax) i watched hardcore porn through the fuzz on the tv hwen i could prior to being a teenage

 

(this is quite normal curiosity with many children, the 'oh... giggle.. peepee.. boobies....')

 

 

6. from a very young age i was fascinated by my vagina i wanted to see it and would stare at it in the mirror

 

(nothing abnormal about being curious about your own body)

 

7. history of sexual abuse in my family by relatives (just found this out yesterday)

 

(maybe that made you pananoid, therefore trying to find something wrong with you)

 

8. i have major trust issues/paranoia that effects my relationships. abuse would explain the onset of this.

 

(could be just insecurity and low self-esteem)

 

9. my brother was a drug addict and eventually commited suicide

 

(again.. nothing to do with you being sexually molested)

 

 

I honestly think you are dramatizing.

[lovesparis]

lizzie,

did you even read my post? i clearly stated that in and of themselves my itemized list was inconsequential.

 

i asked the board for resources that listed signs or symptoms (ie behaviors) of sexual abuse in childhood. this was well after i created a list of my own.

 

i never said that i was molested. i said that i have begun to suspect i was.

 

i may very well be over-reacting... and god, i hope i am. but as soon as it popped into my head it made more sense than i can put words to. by coming here i wasn't asking the board to help me decide if i was molested or not (which is why i didn't post details at first) i was asking for references to websites dealing with childhood sexual abuse. i am typically NOT a drama queen, so for me to be dramatizing this would be extremely out of character.

 

lizzie, you said you were never abused so for you to be deciding what is or isn't normal doesn't help me. according to the websites i have read on my own, it is EXTEMELY abnormal for little girls to insert objects into their vagina for sexual pleasure. it's not abnormal for them to put something in there for curiousity's sake. i was engaging in the former. in my watching pornography there was absolutely NO giggling about peepees or boobies... that is what concerns me. it was extremely erotic to me and i often masturbated to it. please don't get me wrong, i think masturbation is normal and healthy... i engage in it regularly without shame or concern. i watch porn as an adult and am comfortable with that.

 

finding out about the history in my family occurred AFTER my original post and nearly a month after my first becoming concerned/suspicious. my mother shared it with me begrudingly and after much prodding. a shameful secret.... whatelse could have happened in my childhood that is to be considered a shameful secret?

 

sure my personal issues could be from a laundry list of other reasons, but according to the link posted by amasyngrace lists self esteem, self worth, trust, and intimacy as losses children experience when abused

 

as for why i bring my brother and his problems into this is: if i was molested or abused it was likely by a close family member or friend of the family... whom we would have both been exposed to. the above website also quotes: "According to the Conference on Child Victimization & Child Offending (2000[sIZE=1][COLOR=blue]10[/COLOR][/sIZE]), sexual abuse effects on children with a history of molestation reflect that they are seven times more likely to become drug/alcohol dependent" i don't do drugs, i never have. i've been terrified of getting addicted. i drink socially... but i rarely drink if i'm not drinking to excess. i see no point in having one cocktail. the above website also quotes: "[COLOR=#ff0000]FACT:[/COLOR] Children with a history of sexual molestation are ten times more likely to attempt suicide (Conference on Child Victimization & Child Offending, 2000[sIZE=1][COLOR=blue]15[/COLOR][/sIZE])."

 

i know that plenty of people are drug addicts and/or suicide and it's unrelated to SA. but i'm concerned. and i'm looking into it. i may be over-reacting and i'm aware of this, and prepared for it. i hope you're right lizzie and i'm being dramatic. i really hope that. but as someone who said they have no experience with SA, why you suddenly are a wealth of knowledge about what is normal and not. ROFL..