my family hates my bf because of his race

[shadowplay]

First, I think interracial marriage is not a problem if families are accepting or at least not strongly against it.

 

With that being said, I am going to disagree with everyone in here.

 

Divorce rate is about 50%. With that kind of sacrafice and pressure, you have a much slimmer chance of a sucessful marriage. Basically, you're giving up your FAMILY, history, and the most important poeple in your life for a boy friend.

 

Normal married couples get into fights all the time, but most of the times, they made up. If they don't, they end up cheating, seperating, divorce, etc. Every time you and him fight after you're married, the fight will be multiplied by 5, because you will have resentment thinking "I gave up my whole FAMILY" for this shxt?

 

 

"Do you want to be a slave to your relatives and their customs, or a free individual in charge of your own life and destiny?

 

There is nothing wrong with preserving traditions, customs, and hold on to old values and your roots. What's wrong with today's society is that many seek individualism and "living every day to the fullest" crap that's being romanticized and glorified by teenagers, rap artists, immatures, immorals, self-cetered individuals, extreme-liberals, .......

 

Ask yourself this question.....can you really live with yourself for the rest of your life if you're completely being disowed by your whole family. How would you feel if you end up divorced 10 years down the road?

 

You are still young, inexperienced, and somewhat naive. If your family is so strongly against it, and you still go ahead and marry him, you will have a long difficult life ahead of you. Are you really okay and in peace with hurting your family for their holding to their traditions/believes?

 

Any family that would disown her over this she might be better off without -- boyfriend or no. I would hate to see her living her whole life under their dictatorship. I really think she needs to separate and be her own person.

[Liquid]

 

Yes I describe one of the choices in less flattering terms: that's because I don't approve of racism and prejudice.

 

Why does that make me simple-minded?

 

You've asked and answered your own question at the same time.

[Liquid]

Any family that would disown her over this she might be better off without -- boyfriend or no. I would hate to see her living her whole life under their dictatorship. I really think she needs to separate and be her own person.

 

Once again, very not thought out response.

 

They won't disowe her for choosing shushi for lunch instead of a sandwich, they wont' disowe her if she choose to attend a private school over a local college. It seems to me that they will disowe her only for one thing. That in and of itself is not "dictatorship" or "slavery" as you described it.

 

Your lack of understanding of her background, tradition, and her family's way of life disqualifies you to make further constructive comments and opinions.

[xxlovegame]

your old enough to make your own disicussionsand your parents shouldnt stand in the way of your happinessimply explain to them you want to contine the relationship and if they want to disown you its their buisnessbut i still dont believe you should break up with your boyfriendbecause of what your mother thinks.

[Liquid]

Wow, your family sounds incredibly dysfunctional. Your mother is clearly mentally ill.

 

And your family is perfectly non-dysfunctional? As your mom, a therapist is not having an affair with a much younger female patient whom is at your house 4 times a week and attends EVERY intimate private family function/dinner with your family?

[shadowplay]

Once again, very not thought out response.

 

They won't disowe her for choosing shushi for lunch instead of a sandwich, they wont' disowe her if she choose to attend a private school over a local college. It seems to me that they will disowe her only for one thing. That in and of itself is not "dictatorship" or "slavery" as you described it.

 

Your lack of understanding of her background, tradition, and her family's way of life disqualifies you to make further constructive comments and opinions.

 

Hilarious. And what qualifications do you have? You call others narrow-minded, yet you are displaying that very quality with your dismissive, nasty remarks.

 

It's clear that her family's control extends beyond her choice in a partner. She mentioned that they also forced her into the career that they wanted her to have, and that she has constantly lived her life trying to please them. I hardly see how somebody could grow as an individual in such a stifling environment.

 

I perfectly understand the warped reasoning behind her family's forbidding her from dating outside her race. It's a fear and hatred of people of other ethnicities. It's called racism. Disguising it as "traditional values" doesn't make it any more respectable. It's an ugly, base thing. Just because racism is old doesn't make it OK. A lot of humanity's ugliest traits are old.

[shadowplay]

And your family is perfectly non-dysfunctional? As your mom, a therapist is not having an affair with a much younger female patient whom is at your house 4 times a week and attends EVERY intimate private family function/dinner with your family?

 

I never claimed my family was functional. Also, you have the details of my story wrong. The woman was a patient of my mother's many years ago, and they are not having an affair.

[Liquid]

Hilarious. And what qualifications do you have? You call others narrow-minded, yet you are displaying that very quality with your dismissive, nasty remarks.

 

I am able to see the sitatuation from her as well as her family's perspective. You, on the other end, just see it from an immature youngster's perspective.

 

It's clear that her family's control extends beyond her choice in a partner. She mentioned that they also forced her into the career that they wanted her to have, and that she has constantly lived her life trying to please them. I hardly see how somebody could grow as an individual in such a stifling environment.

 

I can almost be certain that they won't disowe her if she chooses to be a doctor instead of a pharmacist, or if she chooses to be a lawyer or a dentist, etc.

 

I perfectly understand the warped reasoning behind her family's forbidding her from dating outside her race. It's a fear and hatred of people of other ethnicities.

 

There you go again with your simple-minded and immature thinking. They don't fear him? They don't go "Oh my God....he is entering the building, let's leave!" or "hate" him if he is a co-worker, invited to a birthday party or family dinner. They just don't want their daugher to marry him.

 

Some parents don't want their kids marrying Catholics, Jews, Gambler, Blacks, Whites, politician, or actor. It doesn't mean we all agree with them, but they are entitled to their own value and views. Your calling them psycho or incredibly dysfunctional reflect simple thinking and immaturity on your part.

[shadowplay]

 

Some parents don't want their kids marrying Catholics, Jews, Gambler, Blacks, Whites, politician, or actor. It doesn't mean we all agree with them, but they are entitled to their own value and views. Your calling them psycho or incredibly dysfunctional reflect simple thinking and immaturity on your part.

 

You obviously know very little about racism or what I meant by "fear."

 

What makes them "psycho" is that his mother needs to be hospitalized because she's so upset and threatens suicide, that their family calls him up and makes death threats. That's serious and scary. Something is very wrong there.

[mental_traveller]

You've asked and answered your own question at the same time.

 

So which claim are you making - that it is simple-minded to disapprove of racism & prejudice? Or that it is simple-minded to describe racism & prejudice in unflattering terms?

 

Also you didn't describe my *comment* as simple-minded, you described me as simple-minded. Would you care to explain that?

[mental_traveller]

I am able to see the sitatuation from her as well as her family's perspective. You, on the other end, just see it from an immature youngster's perspective.

 

 

Do you think it's possible for there to be a legitimate reason to disagree with your take on this, other than the person being simple-minded or an immature youngster? If so, then how can you use mere disagreement as evidence for simple-mindedness and/or immature youth, when there could be other legitimate reasons.

 

You might also want to consider whether it is immature and simple-minded to make unprovoked personal insults to multiple people as a form of debate. Perhaps hypocritical also.

[mental_traveller]

Once again, very not thought out response.

 

They won't disowe her for choosing shushi for lunch instead of a sandwich, they wont' disowe her if she choose to attend a private school over a local college. It seems to me that they will disowe her only for one thing. That in and of itself is not "dictatorship" or "slavery" as you described it.

 

Your lack of understanding of her background, tradition, and her family's way of life disqualifies you to make further constructive comments and opinions.

 

"Disown", not "disowe"

 

"Sushi", not shushi

 

"Won't", not wont'

 

"From making", not "to make"

 

Are you a troll? If so congratulations, you had me fooled longer than most

[Liquid]

"Disown", not "disowe"

 

"Sushi", not shushi

 

"Won't", not wont'

 

"From making", not "to make"

 

Are you a troll? If so congratulations, you had me fooled longer than most

 

Do you expect me to apologize for making some silly spelling mistakes while multi-tasking?

[pharmgirl877]

Hi,

 

I actually live in neither - I live in Australia and have done so for my whole life.

[pharmgirl877]

I am able to see the sitatuation from her as well as her family's perspective. You, on the other end, just see it from an immature youngster's perspective.

.

 

I agree that you can see it from my family's perspective..can I ask what background you're from? Are you asian too? (you don't have to answer if you don't want. I'm just curious)

 

I can almost be certain that they won't disowe her if she chooses to be a doctor instead of a pharmacist, or if she chooses to be a lawyer or a dentist, etc. .

 

Actually..I was going to be a lawyer, got a scholarship interstate, but my mum didn't let me go because she thought law wasn't good enough and it's bad to be a female chinese lawyer (won't get jobs etc), and had a big arguement over it. So I stayed and did pharmacy (originally, they wanted me to be a doctor). But when my younger sister got into pharm interstate, she was allowed to go..still find that quite unfair actually.

 

Your views have given me something to think about..i'm just wondering if you're from the same background as me?

[Liquid]

Actually..I was going to be a lawyer, got a scholarship interstate, but my mum didn't let me go because she thought law wasn't good enough and it's bad to be a female chinese lawyer (won't get jobs etc), and had a big arguement over it. So I stayed and did pharmacy (originally, they wanted me to be a doctor). But when my younger sister got into pharm interstate, she was allowed to go..still find that quite unfair actually.

 

Your views have given me something to think about..i'm just wondering if you're from the same background as me?

 

I am very knowledgeable about other cultures. You never mentioned it, but based on what you wrote, I am guessing that your family are from Southern China. Maybe Hong Kong or some place near it?

 

Keep in mind that I know some old Asian women (in their 40s, 50s) who regret their decision tremendously for marrying someone not from their culture. Keep in mind that they were "in love" AND their family are okay with it. Their dating times were great and even the initial marriage was excellent, but eventually, things fell apart. In your case, you just can't get rid of your past, your origin, and especially not your family. Can you imagine you in their position now and without a family that you grew up with to be there for you and alone on Holidays?

 

Most younger people who don't give a damn about their own origin/culture at a young age, eventually change their views as they grow older and more mature. This desire to reconnect gets stronger as they age. They want to "reconnect" to their roots. Interracial marriage will last only if the other spouse is fully embrace that chance, otherwise, like the other older Asian women I know, distance will grow wider. If you cut and burn your bridge to your roots and most importantly your own family, I think you will be fine with it maybe the first few months, or even the first few years, but eventually, you will regret it.

 

These poeple who are giving you advice don't know your culture and they don't understand you and your family. These posters use their westernized/Americanized/All-about-me/Independent-self/live-life-to-the-fullest-and-don't-give-a-dame-about-everyone-else point of view to give you advice. At times, you might side with them, because you're partially Americanized too, but that's the only part they know about you. They don't understand what you're thinking at times and they don't understand your backgroud and how you were raised. Their advised action might feel so good at times, but deep down, you know something is not right about it and you will regret and suffer someday.

 

I know you can't imagine this, but just for a second, what if. What if you get rid of your OWN family to be with this guy. Five years down the road, he developed a close friendship with a girl at work and you found some calls on his cell. Can you imagine how you would feel about yourself at that moment? That scenario could be worse or could be milder, but I just want you to see the point I am trying to make. Moment like that would come up again and again in years and years to come. Resentment and distance will build up because of what you had to give up.

 

The other posters are giving you advice that might apply to a typical American girl from an American family and upbringing, but it doesn't apply to you, at least not completely. I don't have to tell you that, because you can see it yourself. What I am doing is bringing you back to reality.

 

What state are you in? Which law school gave you a scholarship? (If you answer these two questions, I can evaluate how wrong/right you mom was)

[carhill]

OP, reading you're 22 and have been with this young man for five years, can I ask if you've had relations with other men or is he the only one? I missed how old he is...?

 

For many reasons, I would suggest a long engagement. Marriages (assuming that's what you want) are best begun with positive energy from all corners.

 

Best wishes

[missdependant]

Hi,

 

I actually live in neither - I live in Australia and have done so for my whole life.

 

The reason I ask is because I know that China has some very strict rules about things like this.. I hope that your parents are able to come to terms with modern culture some day soon. It is very sad to hear that they are passing such judgment on your boyfriend. (BTW Engineering can be a GREAT profession, if they truly aren't aware).

 

You are an adult, and you are able to make your own choices. You may want to remind your mother of your age. You are at an age where you are free to do what you want and marry whoever you'd like. Australia is not a communist country, nor is it made up of only one race. So naturally, in your case, there is a man out there who feels right for you and is NOT Chinese. And no offense to your mother, but it seems like she was WAY exaggerating with the whole crying so much she needed to be hospitalized situation.

 

Good luck, lady.. I would seriously recommend leaving your family for the guy if you are 100% sure that he is who you'd like to be with.. and I hope your family realizes how shallow they are acting. They are disrespecting you.. and as an adult, you can choose not to be treated that way.

[Soul-Searcher]

Been there, done that. I left home as a result because my family were so unreasonable. My then BF and I split up as a result but my family made sure to constantly rub it in my face and make life difficult for me. I had my phone taken off me, my internet passwords taken away from me..I had my freedom taken away from me! My family acted like big brother and kept a constant watch on me and I was never allowed to go out apart from university.

 

One year later, I am living with the man I love who is not of my race, I have my freedom and not live in fear and I have never been happier. I do miss my nephews and nieces but I would prefer them to know that they have an aunt out there who is alive and well rather than one who stayed and and didn't stay true to herself.

 

I have no regrets about it but what you want with your life is up to you. I have had no contact with my family for over a year and it is hard to deal with sometimes. The decision is yours. If you want to PM me, then you are welcome to if you want to talk some more.

 

P.S. Your mum and my mum would get on really well.

[amerikajin]

Two entirely different conclusions and threads of reasoning are emerging from this discussion and they both have validity. On the one hand, there is the general agreement that the OP's family (mother in particular) is messed up. I know that traditions in old world cultures are often strongly opposed to inter-racial marriages, but not all families in old world cultures take that viewpoint. I am especially perturbed when I see this kind of mentality among immigrant families long after they have moved to very multicultural places like Canada and Australia. When the family decided to leave China, they should have known that they also made a conscious decision to leave their predominantly Chinese culture behind them. That is not to say that they can't import some of their customs or value systems -- they can. But I think they have to be modified and adapted to suit their new environment.

 

That said, I think Liquid does indeed have a point. Just telling your own family to piss off is easier said than done. And I think his point about future relationship problems is also valid. What if they run into trouble five years from now? Who would she turn to if she's already alienated her own family, however imperfect they might be? I guess that's why I predicted that, despite the fact that she loves this guy, I doubt this is going to work out in the long run. I am a firm believer that couples do a lot better when both families are supportive of the relationship. At the very least, both families should at least agree to stay out of the couple's way if they can't find it within themselves to support the relationship. But that's not happening here, is it? Not at all. The family is determined to keep this union from happening, and this does not bode well for the good of the relationship.

 

I guess if there's one more thought to leave the OP with, it's that she has to consider how she wants to resolve this. I would take a little time to think long and hard about the future. Ignoring for a moment her current situation, I think she should ask herself, what kind of person she wants to be. What does the OP stand for? What are her own personal values? What values would she want to pass on to her children? She might have to bear the brunt of her own family's intolerance, but does she want to keep this family tradition alive and well for generations to come? If she's going to marry a Chinese guy in the future, maybe she should at least marry someone who has a more open mind?

 

I feel sorry for the OP. I think she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. And 22 is an awfully early age to be making this kind of decision in my estimation. It's really a bit early to get married or be serious about someone anyway, if you ask me. But clearly you love your boyfriend. I know it would be crushing to let him go. All I can say is that I wish you well. May the Creator give you the wisdom to make the right decision and the serenity to accept whatever comes of it.

[pharmgirl877]

 

What state are you in? Which law school gave you a scholarship? (If you answer these two questions, I can evaluate how wrong/right you mom was)

 

The scholarship was for law in University of Queensland.

[Liquid]

The scholarship was for law in University of Queensland.

 

I can't evaluate then, because I thought you were in the States.

[Scottdmw]

I was in a similar situaion, and it is my opinion that some parents just take a dislike to whoever you date. They will justify it with some reason, but it goes beyond reason. My ex-fiancee's parents disliked me even though I was the "right" race, made great money, had a great family, good background, etc. My advice would be don't even try to persuade them. Just make a plan and leave, and tell them they are welcome to still be in your life if they would like. They may change their tune in the future, especially if grandchildren come into the picture.

 

Scott

[Windy27]

I was in a similar situaion, and it is my opinion that some parents just take a dislike to whoever you date. They will justify it with some reason, but it goes beyond reason. My ex-fiancee's parents disliked me even though I was the "right" race, made great money, had a great family, good background, etc. My advice would be don't even try to persuade them. Just make a plan and leave, and tell them they are welcome to still be in your life if they would like. They may change their tune in the future, especially if grandchildren come into the picture.

 

Scott

 

In her case, no, especially if the grandchildren are dark skinned.

[fromfaraway]

Hello pharmgirl,

 

Do not you think that is a little bit absurd your family believes an engineer will make no money? It is true that medical doctors will probably make more money than others, but you have not heard of starving engineers and scientists, have you?

 

My ex and I were in your position. She was your age. She was about to go to graduate school for some thing professional. They forced her to dump me because I was of a different race and religion...what happened? We are still dealing with it 5 years later. I am writing a story (fiction) in which one of the protagonists in someone in a position similar to yours.

 

Read my thread, please:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t188582/

 

Needless to say: I DO wish you the very best. It must be quite hard for you!

 

FFA