Should I walk away from man in the middle of a separation?

[pink smartie]

I just met a man who is trying to pull his life back together while in the midst of a separation.

 

He's been married for many years, has two children and he and his wife share a mortgage in a very expensive city. He dedicated years of his life to the happiness of his family and is torn up over seeing it all fall apart. I know he's a great dad and a great husband. They still live together but no longer share a bedroom. She fell out of love with him. I absolutely believe the story.

 

He claims to want to start dating again, and this is where I come in. I've been hit on by men looking to have affairs in the past and this feels completely different. Basically: he knows he's got nothing good to offer right now- and yet he is left with scraps himself. I have nothing but admiration for him and I understand he is in a very difficult predicament, but I don't want to be the OW. At the same time, I don't think the situation is fair to him at all. Imagine dedicating so much love and care to your family only to see it all crumble.

 

I don't know why I feel compelled to write this. A part of me wonders how his wife feels about him dating again - and if she even knows. A part of me wonders how she could take their family and all they built together for granted.

 

I know I have to walk away from this situation - and it breaks my heart to do so. It's been a long time since I've felt the way I feel about him.

[TaraMaiden]

I am not being rude, but you might end up being a complication. He is dating very quickly, and while he still has much to resolve, he cannot be completely dedicated to you and any relationship.

He also might be looking for a shoulder to lean on.

Are you happy for this?

If not, perhaps you can tell him you are a good friend to him, and can offer support, but a relationship now is not wise.

[pink smartie]

Thanks Tara, I don't think you were rude at all, just realistic. And I am posting here and in this sections because I want to get people's perspectives on this.

 

We originally set up our relationship as a friendship after he told me what was going on in his life. I said I understood that he was in a complicated situation and that he had a lot of things to figure out. We agreed that we could still be friends. We feel really comfortable around each other and basically are concerned with the same issues in our jobs. My problem? The more I get to know him, the harder it is to control my attraction to him.

 

Another thing to know is that I am moving to another country in a few months, so I am not looking for anything serious. This makes me wonder if maybe the situation isn't ideal for both of us: neither one of us is actually available for anything serious right now.

 

At the same time, I don't want to invite unnecessary drama into my life. A part of me would like to understand his and his wife's perspective on all this. Is anyone struggling with the kind of issues he and his wife are facing?

[PWSX3]

It would not be fair for either of you.

 

Their is a LOT he will need to go through after he moves out. He still is living in the same house, once you separate things are different & get more complicated.

 

Since you aren't even going to be around in a couple of months, their is no reason you need to hurt him or get hurt yourself......

[sugarmomma]

Stay away from married men! They all lie talkin about how the sleep in separate rooms blah blah blah!!! Tell him to work out his baggage and get back to you. I just got out of a situation like that and felt sorry for him and his "horrible" situation. Not your problem!! Too much baggage. You are a single woman and you should wait for a single man without all the drama unless of course you need a little drama in your life?

 

Don't walk away, run and run fast!!!

[bib12]

hi! You asked me on my post about the perspective of the wife who doesn't love him anymore... Of course I can't speak for her, but I can say that as another wife who has fallen out of love with a great guy, who is considering whether to stay or leave, that yes, it would bother me to see him with another woman (logically, it makes no sense, if I don't want to be with him, yet do want him to be happy, then it should be ok for him to be happy with someone else. But feelings are odd.)

 

I would caution you about this relationship, not b/c of the wife, but b/c you'll get hurt. He could be unconsciously using you to build up his masculinity again, to feel like a man, for the comfort, etc... Even if he's not, you'll be associated with a very difficult part in his life. Right now, you can be very helpful to him, but I think if you really like this man, and can see yourself with him in the future - let him get through this, then go back to him when it's a little more settled.

 

Good luck, I'm sure it's not an easy choice!

[PWSX3]

Something else to think about. My former wife was the one that filed, she said she was DONE!!!!

Two weeks before the divorce was going to be final she emailed me wondering if she had made the right choice? If that was what God wanted her to do? So they might say "THEY ARE FINISHED" but you never say never until the ink is dry.

[Mauschen]

I think anyone making such a huge life-changing decision always comes with a great deal of uncertainty. So even if a wife is no longer in love with her husband, she could still be jealous of him dating another woman.

 

Personally, I have been separated from my husband for 2 years. 2 years ago, I would have been jealous about him dating and I may have acted in haste (i.e. begging him to take me back, etc), but now I would be totally fine with him dating. I think it depends on each situation and the people involved...perhaps his wife has been thinking about this for a long time.

 

But in any case, I don't recommend getting involved with any married person, especially one who is still living with his wife!

[pink smartie]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think I really needed a reality check and you definitely provided it.

 

Bib, thank you for answering so kindly, I know my question was pretty tough and I wish you all the best figuring things out.

 

Great men are few and far between. I know that, sadly, the timing is off for this one great guy and me.

 

Thank you all again.

[pink smartie]

Stay away from married men! They all lie talkin about how the sleep in separate rooms blah blah blah!!! Tell him to work out his baggage and get back to you. I just got out of a situation like that and felt sorry for him and his "horrible" situation. Not your problem!! Too much baggage. You are a single woman and you should wait for a single man without all the drama unless of course you need a little drama in your life?

 

Don't walk away, run and run fast!!!

 

 

I just read your thread in the OW section and I really want to thank you for responding. I like you signature. Doing the right thing can be so hard but I think walking away is the best decision for everyone involved.

 

It still seems like all this is unfair to him, but he does have to find his own way.

[pink smartie]

Whether it is unfair to him or not, it is only you standing on the outside looking in. He maybe deserving of everything that is happening in his life, you don't really know what has happened in his marriage. You don't really know if he has been a good husband and father at all, you only have his word for it. I would stir clear of this situation like he had like I was a driver for NASCAR.

 

You're right. I only have his word to take for what is happening in his marriage and family. I do have outside indications that he is a pretty standup guy however.