Should I be making moves on the crush???

[sjml251]

OK everyone - I've got a rough situation and I'm turning to you for some advice. I recently got out of a pretty bummer relationship about 3 months ago - we had a great relationship years ago, but over the last 2 years, it had been pretty disappointing and frustrating. Well, anyway, it's now over and I have moved out and moved on with my life, which is actually pretty wonderful and fulfilling w/o the ex and getting better everyday (although it hurt like hell the first couple of months), so that's that.

 

Now, in the meantime, I have been nursing this long-term crush for a good friend of mine - I mean like 6 years of crushing on him - and have completely supressed the whole thing over the years out of respect for the relationships we both had. Well, now for the first time ever, neither of us are in a relationship but.....both of us have recently come out of difficult long term relationships. And that's not all - when my recent breakup happened, I leaned on my crush-friend for some support and worked out a deal to rent half of his house - which I did - and now we share his house together.

 

So this is the crux - he's an incrediblly important friend and now also a roommate (I love the place and really like having him as a housemate) but I'm super attracted to him and really want to pursue a relationship with him. After so many years of being platonic friends, I have no clue of how to go about moving it into the more-than-friends zone or whether that's even a good idea. Oh, and how long should I really be waiting to date after the dissolution of my 7+ year relationship anyway, how do I know when I'm ready and in a healthy place to be in a relationship again? The last thing I would want to do is get with someone who's so important to me just to screw it up because I jumped into something too soon - I just can't tell. Also, I think the attraction is mutual but I have no idea and am not quite sure how to tell - are there some signs/things I should be looking for to try and decipher feelings he may have for me?

 

So that's basically it - where do I go from here? Any advice, personal experience, opinions are greatly appreciated.....

[WTRanger]

Being roommates could be tricky. Just in the fact that it is different living with a guy roommate and living with your boyfriend who is also your roommate. However you've known each other for such a long time you should at least know each others limits or buttons.

 

Only you know how long you should wait after your breakup. You'll know when you are ready so just listen to your heart and your gut. They'll tell you when the time is right. If you honestly feel now is a good time, then act. If you feel you should wait, then wait a bit.

 

I think in your case it would be worse not to act on your crush. If you honestly feel that deeply towards this person then you have to act on it. Considering the situation, I would advise you to seriously think about it before you jump into anything. Make sure that you are ready for anything and that means him shooting you down and the inevitable awkwardness that follows.

 

When you are ready, just kiss him. It's simple, straight forward. If he asks why then tell him your feelings. As a guy, a sometimes really dense guy when it comes to girls, I would appreciate a girl who has been a friend for some time being this direct. Because you cannot rely on him to decode your signals as he might not be using the same decoder ring you are. His mind might be blocking your proper signals because he sees himself in the friend zone and nothing more. He might want so much more but to sort of suppress any and all feelings he has or had for you, his brain has to trick him into the friend zone. Such as if you walk around naked his brain could tell him that you are only doing that as a friend who is comfortable around him.

 

Finally the last question that can only be answered by you is that if he is that important to you are you willing to risk losing him? That's the absolute worst case scenario but you have to at least consider that option. But what's worse? The 1 in 1000 chance that you'll lose him or knowing that you didn't even take the chance to begin with? In sports terms. Taking the game winning shot and missing or holding onto the ball as time expires for fear of taking the shot?

 

Someone once said, "The only shots you'll regret are the ones you don't take."

[Lady_J]

I agree with WTR here. I know how hard it is and as you can see from the post you replied to of mine, i'm in a similar situation. What you don't know about me, is that i'm just divorced from a 10 year marriage. Moving into the single life, much like you feeling so much better for having been rid of the ex. So for me, reading the signs, and knowing when/if its ok to make a move is really hard just as it sounds like it is for you.

 

I think though, that you have been friends with this person so long that you really DON'T have anything to lose. A friendship that spans that amount of time and other drama (all relationships have their sets of dramas) will more than likely not fall apart because you admit to having a deeper feeling for the other person. I think it can only make it better. Either because of just the relief of getting it out (and believe me it makes YOU feel so much better) and/or finding that they feel the same way. Even if they don't, you are in a good position for later moving to another person and being able to recognize your feelings and have the ability to act on them without wondering so hard.

 

In a way, this will be harder than it would if it were an average person you barely knew because of the time you've already spent as friends but I definately think its worth doing. I SO wish I could hold your hand through this...its hard hard hard being here. Suddenly single is no laughing matter.

[sjml251]

Thank you Lady J and WTR - I appreciate your input. I've tried a few times to say something but I just clam up. I guess that just means I'm not quite ready yet. Lady J, how did you know when you were ready to date again? I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm ready but I'm just not sure. And suddenly single is absolutely no laughing matter - I started dating my ex at 24 - I'm 32 now.....the thought of dating totally freaks me out!!! I have no idea what to do, how to be, what to expect. I'm definately shooting for the crush but if it's a no-go, I think I'm ok with that....I've felt this way about him for so long that just being able to find out and get some kind of answer is enough for me. But if the crush is a no-go, I will really be out in the dating frying pan - any words of wisdom?

[D-Lish]

Do you get any signals at all that he is interested in more than a friendship?

 

How does he act around you?

What do you guys talk about?

[sjml251]

WTR, I just have a few follow-up questions for you....I found your response to be very interesting and absolutely something I never would have thought of. If I just go for it and kiss him, will he totally freak out on me for being so forward if it turns out he's not interested? Also, what kind of kiss are we talking about here? Like full on go for the deeply passionate kill or are you talking a soft sweet peck? Sorry I have to ask these things - I just have no clue.

 

And jeez, what if it's a go? It's not like regular dating where you're taking time and getting to know someone before you become intimate.....we already know each other so well -what's an appropriate amount of time to wait in a situation like this before having sex. I mean, I would hate to come off as slutty or desperate - but I've been ready to jump on him since I walked in the door (not emotionally ready, but definitely physically ready) - what kind of dating pace should one keep in a situation such as this?

 

Last but not least, you mentioned that there's probably not much that I could do to send out signals because we're so deeply rooted in the friend-zone....are there any signals I could be looking for from him that might give me some clues or indications as to whether he may have any romantic feelings towards me before I go out on this limb? Maybe the answer is the same but I figure asking is at least worth a shot.....

 

Thanks again for your help and advice - I really appreciate it!

[Lady_J]

Thank you Lady J and WTR - I appreciate your input. I've tried a few times to say something but I just clam up. I guess that just means I'm not quite ready yet. Lady J, how did you know when you were ready to date again? I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm ready but I'm just not sure. And suddenly single is absolutely no laughing matter - I started dating my ex at 24 - I'm 32 now.....the thought of dating totally freaks me out!!! I have no idea what to do, how to be, what to expect. I'm definately shooting for the crush but if it's a no-go, I think I'm ok with that....I've felt this way about him for so long that just being able to find out and get some kind of answer is enough for me. But if the crush is a no-go, I will really be out in the dating frying pan - any words of wisdom?

Ok sjm, this is what i'm gonna say, and you might not like it so much. The feeling of clamming up doesn't mean you are NOT ready. The clamming up is just plain ole nerves sweetie. The longer you hold it in, the bigger it gets and the more of a life of its own the crush takes. Please trust me. I haven't held mine in as long as you have but I KNOW how heavy it gets and how much it just can overwhelm. It will continue until you act on it.

 

To tell you the truth, i'm not even sure i'm ready to date yet. Here's what I know, I know that the guy i'm interested isnt' even going to be physically available on the same continent with me for another 6 months, which in my mind gives me plenty of time to get ready for dating him...providing of course we settle this whole interested not interested thing. I honestly think that its not so much knowing when you're ready but meeting WHO you are ready to date. I could say yes absolutely i'm ready to date HIM someone else, not so sure. Its up to you and the level of comfort you feel with the person.

 

Obviously if you've been friends for so long, it may on some levels be easier for you to consider dating him than a total stranger who approached you in a bar or at a club or wherever single people go (see, I don't even know where that is myself LOL)

 

I think you will surprise yourself when it comes time to spit it out. You are right, in that you just need to get it out at this point, that's how I got the ball rolling in my situation I just HAD to say something bcz it was too much to hold in.

 

Again, I don't think its necessarily that you will be immediately then right into the dating scene, but it can help you be able to recognize and possibly act on your feelings in the future.

 

I have the same questions you do. I'm 34 and haven't dated in hmm lonnng time, hard to know what the heck is going on out there. Seriously keep me posted I feel a kinship here and want to know how this works out.

[sjml251]

In response to D-Lish's questions, here goes:

 

I can't tell - nothing overt. Sometimes a look, sometimes in conversation, little possible hints but again, nothing overt at all.

 

He acts shy, but also very open. Again, we are both going through post-breakup reality so we spend probably about 20-30% of the time taking about the exes/break-up/etc. - but through these discussions we give each other some comfort, some good advice, the ability to safely open up and be authentic, etc. The rest of the time we spend talking about shared interests, life stuff, fun stuff - making plans for backyard BBQs, upcoming summer nights in the city doing fun stuff together, our interests, lives, etc.

 

His shoulder was hurting a few days ago and a massaged it for him, which he was very receptive to and appreciative of, but like I said, his shoulder was bothering him, so that makes sense. He hugs me every now and again - he's always the initiator. Other than that, there really are no tantalizing details. Sorry, I've got nothing here.....

[WTRanger]

WTR, I just have a few follow-up questions for you....I found your response to be very interesting and absolutely something I never would have thought of. If I just go for it and kiss him, will he totally freak out on me for being so forward if it turns out he's not interested? Also, what kind of kiss are we talking about here? Like full on go for the deeply passionate kill or are you talking a soft sweet peck? Sorry I have to ask these things - I just have no clue.

 

And jeez, what if it's a go? It's not like regular dating where you're taking time and getting to know someone before you become intimate.....we already know each other so well -what's an appropriate amount of time to wait in a situation like this before having sex. I mean, I would hate to come off as slutty or desperate - but I've been ready to jump on him since I walked in the door (not emotionally ready, but definitely physically ready) - what kind of dating pace should one keep in a situation such as this?

 

Last but not least, you mentioned that there's probably not much that I could do to send out signals because we're so deeply rooted in the friend-zone....are there any signals I could be looking for from him that might give me some clues or indications as to whether he may have any romantic feelings towards me before I go out on this limb? Maybe the answer is the same but I figure asking is at least worth a shot.....

 

Thanks again for your help and advice - I really appreciate it!

 

Well as far as sex and the pace that you take it, that's really up to you. If and when the time comes, you'll know it. I do understand where you are coming from though. You've already put in the leg work of dating already and things could escalate quickly. Only do what you and you alone are comfortable with.

 

As far as the kiss, again, the moment in which you decide would dictate that. Are you guys ending a nice night or are you starting into each other's souls as you look up at the night sky? Different situations call for different kinds of kisses.

 

Lord knows, alcohol works wonders in these situations. If he flips out, blame it on the booze.

 

I know my answers really weren't much, but these situations are unique to you. I can advise you, and tell you my experiences but the rest is really up to you. Just trust your instincts.