"I don't want to know!"

[burningashes]

Hi guys.

 

Everything is going very well with my bf, except for one little thing. We've had conversations that get close to bringing our sexual pasts up and I don't know how to talk about it in general without freaking him out. He says he doesn't want to know, and I respect that, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when the conversations border on my experiences and I'm trying not to get into details. Like today in particular, we were having a shower together when we started having a conversation about being horny.

 

Me: Can you be horny without being hard?

BF: Oh yeah, can you be horny and be dry?

Me: Well it depends, I usually get wet when I get horny with the exception of when I've been drinking.

 

I went on to explain that I don't get as wet and my mouth is really dry, I did a mock blowjob motion.

 

He said that he didn't want to know, and I tried to defend myself saying that I was thinking of my experience with him in particular (I actually wasn't thinking about my past), that it's happened to me when I've been drinking and got it on with him.

 

I don't know where he gets that I was talking about sucking someone else's dick, because that conversation was very general. I don't know if he's got retroactive jealousy or what, but this is starting to annoy me. He teased me the other night about eating women out (he knows I've slept with women when I was younger and experiementing)- it doesn't bother me when we talk about this stuff, I just don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do if he can tease me about this stuff and I can't talk about it without him saying he doesn't want to know and I have to defend myself that I'm not going into details.

 

Whenever this happens, he says that I get grouchy and defensive, then things get standoffish, that's because I don't know how I'm supposed to act or what to say afterward, I mean, I do apologize for bringing it up or whatever, but I won't apologize for my past. Like, what am I supposed to say afterward? Geez, I guess this is more of a vent, but if you guys have got any insight or advice for me how I can handle this.

 

I told him I was trying to drop it after he said I didn't have to get rude about it (I guess that was when I was trying to defend myself in the shower). Is this just a communciation clash? What exactly does he expect me to do when HE brings stuff like this up?

 

I'm a little bummed out about it- I'm supposed to see him in a couple of hours so if you guys could reply beforehand, that would really help me maybe defuse things a bit aside from apologizing for ...what exactly, I don't know.

 

I'm so confused

 

[single ape]

sounds to me that you're pretty on point.. he is retroactive jealous and you don't have to or shouldn't apologize for your past. Just tell him, the past is the past.. if he can't get over that it exists.. you're gonna have to get over him.. no one deserves to get in trouble for their past.

 

Then tell him to stop being such a pussy and learn to appreciate the fact that his gf will have rad sex talks with him... (i cant resist that damn bunny)

[fella]

your bf sounds fairly insecure.

[burningashes]

Yeah, I know, it's not like I bring this up and go into gory details, I would understand if he got upset about that. I try so hard not to bring this kind of thing up at all if possible, and I just don't think I should be trying this hard. I don't think I can just tell him to get over it either, because even if I didn't bring specifics up, he knows it's happened with my other partners too even if I said I was talking about him. I just want to be able to talk generally without offending him, and I want to work on it with him. I also want to know how or what to say/do if this happens again.

 

:/

[TaraMaiden]

I think your guilt at possibly hurting him is making his problem your problem.

I would talk about it as if nothing was happening, and not make excuses if he says "I don't want to hear about it|!"

Just cheerfully reply, "ok!" and say no more.

 

If he continues, he is unburdening his prejudice onto you, so you can then say, 'hey darling, this is your problem, not mine. I'm comfortable with my past, it brought me to you. if you cannot be happy with me now, then I think you need to try to get over your issues, because I cannot help you!"

[burningashes]

Thanks for your reply.

 

that's exactly what I did, he said he didn't want to know, I said, "Ok," and just continued washing up. Then he proceeded to say, well, you were the one who started talking about being wet then how your mouth gets dry, etc. I apologized and he just kept bringing it on, I felt like I had to keep making excuses for how the conversation got to that point because I wasn't going to apologize repeatedly.

 

TM, thanks for that bit, I will do that definitely, although I would like to let him know that I'm sorry for hurting him, would that be appropriate? If he's upset, he must be hurt

[mr.dream merchant]

I'm gonna be the only one in this thread so far to tell you that he shouldn't have to hear it from you if he doesn't want to. Why should he be okay with listening to your past experiences? He's already come to an agreement that its happened and that its your past, so he wants to leave it like that. Why harp on him (posters, not the OP) for not wanting to hear about it? I certainly wouldn't want to listen to my GF talk about her past sexcapades unless I asked about it.

 

I don't think he should be joking with you about it if he can't bear to hear it from your mouth but jeez cut the guy some slack. Insecurity isn't even a part of it at all. Some guys just don't give a damn enough to want to hear about their chick talk about what she did in the past sexually. Keep that to yourself, or share it with your friends. Let him appreciate what you have now.

[single ape]

But she's not talking about the past.. he's just so insecure that he assumes any sex talk is not about him. The girl is trying.. most of my exes would have just said "deal with it, wuss" Which i personally think needs to start happening.. if you coddle his feelings any more you're starting down an ugly path.

[TaraMaiden]

..TM, thanks for that bit, I will do that definitely, although I would like to let him know that I'm sorry for hurting him, would that be appropriate? If he's upset, he must be hurt

 

yes, but later, not at the moment. If you apologise immediately, you make him think he is right, and he is not.

To continuously get angry with you for his own perception is his mistake, not yours.

Maybe later you can say - "look, I am sorry you get so upset about so-and-so, but truly, I don't say things to deliberately hurt you. But you must understand life existed for both of us before we met. I canot erase my previous life and pretend none of it happened simply because you find it hard to deal with, can I? So I really think this is something you need to face."

 

Apologise, but do not take blame. be responsible, not guilty.

[serial muse]

I think the first thing is that you need to talk about this when you're not both naked - no discussing the issue in the shower, in bed, etc.

 

Obviously, he's got some jealousy about your past, and on top of that he probably doesn't like the fact that it bothers him so much. That equals recipe for putting you on the defensive to deflect away from something he probably sees as a weakness on his part.

 

So, going forward, as much as possible, it'd be a good idea to take any sense of "blaming" anybody out of the picture. (That includes you! You don't need to apologize for anything.) Blame is not at issue - nobody has done anything technically wrong, it's just a touchy subject, obviously, and what you both want is a way to get past it while being considerate of each others' feelings.

 

So, you need to talk about it at a neutral time. I think you're on the exact right track with this:

 

I just want to be able to talk generally without offending him, and I want to work on it with him. I also want to know how or what to say/do if this happens again.

 

That is, almost verbatim, what you can say to him. And you can add, gently, something like this:

 

I try so hard not to bring this kind of thing up at all if possible, and I just don't think I should be trying this hard.

 

The key is not to be accusing - just say, honey, I'm in a tough spot here. I want to be able to discuss sex with you, or bring up sexual topics, without it going in bad directions. But I'm not sure what the boundaries are; I feel like I'm trying extra-hard to avoid topics and I don't think I should be working so hard. Can we talk about how to discuss stuff like this in a way that you won't feel upset and I won't feel defensive about things that are in the past?

 

The thing you don't want to happen is that he feels defensive about being jealous (he clearly is) and tries to tell you that you're being thoughtless by indulging in sex talk ("well you brought it up") that could be taken in multiple ways, and that puts you on the defensive. None of that is productive, long-term. Hopefully, if you guys have good communication overall, he'll see the justice in that.

[Lucky_One]

How long have you been dating?

 

Maybe you should postpone some of the sex questions and discussion until you have been together longer, when some of the initial insecurities have worn off.

[burningashes]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies so far.

 

Dream, I'm well aware that he doesn't want to know, and I don't want to know about his past either. We've had discussions about our boundaries and I respect his boundaries by not going into details at all, at least not unless he asks for specifics. The issue at hand is how do I talk about things without upsetting him?

 

Serial, you hit it head on.

 

It's definitely not productive when this happens and it's been a hard situation for me to get out of whenever it happens. I really like your advice (as well as the rest of the posters' !) and I will definitely keep that in mind. I won't be seeing him for a few days, that should let things cool off a bit and then I'll bring it up. Everything is going so great with him, and I would really hate to see this continue being a problem for the both of us. We communciate very well so hopefully that will work in our favor in getting past this.

 

Maybe this is irrelevant, but I'll bring it up in case.

 

He also drops comments like, "I don't ever want to share you with anyone else," or "You're all mine, lol," in joking tones. I think he really is joking when he makes comments like that, but at the back of my head, I wonder if he's got an deeper issue. Yesterday, I was talking to him about how my friend proposed to his gf of 2 years and were turned down, so he dumped her, etc and found out a few days later from her that she cheated on him with 3 different men. He said something along the lines of "Don't ever sleep with other guys or I'll kick your ass," of course, again, jokingly and I replied, "Don't you ever sleep with other women or I'll kick your ass too, lol." So far this isn't bothering me, I'm just asking if I should be worried, lol.

 

Lucky,

We'll have been together for almost 5 months (officially), and we've known each other for almost a year. I think we're too far into the game to back off on any sex talk, since we've already told each other that we love each other and I know that this is going to be a long term relationship, since we've talked about where we want this to go, and he said he wants to be with me LTR. So.. this is an all-in relationship where I can definitely see myself dating him for a long time as my second LTR (my first LTR was 7 years.)

 

Thanks again, everyone!

[TaraMaiden]

Maybe this is irrelevant, but I'll bring it up in case.

 

He also drops comments like, "I don't ever want to share you with anyone else," or "You're all mine, lol," in joking tones. I think he really is joking when he makes comments like that, but at the back of my head, I wonder if he's got an deeper issue. Yesterday, I was talking to him about how my friend proposed to his gf of 2 years and were turned down, so he dumped her, etc and found out a few days later from her that she cheated on him with 3 different men. He said something along the lines of "Don't ever sleep with other guys or I'll kick your ass," of course, again, jokingly and I replied, "Don't you ever sleep with other women or I'll kick your ass too, lol." So far this isn't bothering me, I'm just asking if I should be worried, lol.

 

Yes you should be worried. (What is lol??)

I think he has a tendency towards being possessive. These comments, tied in with his obvious anger and resentment to even think you could have a past sexual life would be an alarm for me... put the two together...

What do you come up with?

If you mention it, it must be on your mind, yes? Even if you say it is not bothering you.

But also your comment - 'so far'.... this makes me think that you perceive a potential issue further along.

You have to stop this behaviour of his, now.

In the future, (and nobody can predict it, I know you can see something long term) there might be a possible break-up. you don't know, but be logical and realistic.

With this attitude, I'm not sure I would be completely comfortable....

[samspade]

Insecurity isn't even a part of it at all.

 

Yes it is, in my opinion.

 

While I understand if he doesn't want to hear about specific episodes in your past (it doesn't sound like you are bringing any up), he needs to accept the fact that you are both human and both wanted to f**k other people before you met each other. So yeah, he does sound insecure. It probably didn't bother him that you already had a good blow job technique when you were first giving him one, did it? But now that he's considered that you had practice before you got to him, it's bothering him. A man secure in himself would not let this bother him.

 

Another sign of insecurity is the way he "laughingly" warns you not to cheat on him. This tells me that he is already believing you might do it. This can often perpetuate into a self-fulfilling prophecy: The more one party warns and suspects, the more likely the other party will grow resentful and eventually cheat. You may think that sounds unlikely in your case (and your character may keep you from doing that), but it happens.

 

Threatening with violence doesn't sound funny, but I don't know him or the context in which you two are joking so you know better than I do whether that is a red flag or not.

[burningashes]

Hmm.

 

TM, I brought it up because I wasn't sure if I should be worried yet. When I said, "So far", it's because I know that if he keeps it up and it becomes frequent even if he passes it off as a joke, it's going to bother me. I brought it up to see if it might be related to what's happening even though I don't pick up any serious undertones when he makes these comments and he's done it probably 3 times so far. I don't know if that makes him a possessive person, because I still go out and do my own things with friends etc without him and he's never had a problem with it, and vice versa. He is such a sweetheart aside from that though.

 

He was engaged to his fiance of 4 years who left him for his boss a few years ago, fyi, so maybe this could explain his behaviour?

 

Sam, I totally get where you're coming from. He definitely wasn't implying that he would hurt me if it happened, but that he would give me crap for it and would leave (who wouldn't? I would too!) Still, you're right- he might be believing that I might do it. But, what I really don't get is that if you're right, it totally contradicts everything he's said about trust in relationships so far.

 

I asked him if he would ever look my name up (he's a cop) and he said no, he would leave the relationship if it had come to that point. As for exes, he doesn't keep in touch with any of them and he knows that I don't, he hasn't brought anything up about that, so I know he trusts me. He has said from time to time that if something happens that have caused him to lose trust or whatnot that any efforts to fix it isn't helping, he will most likely leave, like I or anyone else would. He's made it clear that if there's a problem, he will talk to me about it and I believe him, because he's a very direct person and doesn't like to put aside problems, and has done it before. I strongly believe that this is part of his character, as he has already told me that he has an issue about hearing about my past, for example.

 

I guess, what I'm trying to ask, if he was insecure about me cheating, wouldn't he have said something by now, or tried to talk to me when he has done that about other problems before? You're right that I probably will get resentful if it continues and increases in frequency, joking or not. Should I say something? I could bring up that while I understand that he's joking, it makes me wonder whether he's really afraid about that sort of thing happening, and that he's afraid to bring it up with me because I'll percieve it as him having trust issues? I'd like to nip this in the bud also.

[Island Girl]

I agree with Dream Merchant.

 

Just because you have a past doesn't mean you have to talk about it.

It is best to just have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

 

My husband and I both had sex lives before each other.

 

I have found NO reason to discuss my past or ask about his.

He hasn't ever asked about mine or detailed his either.

 

We still discuss sex. In fact we are very open to talking about wants, etc.

We just never reference those in past tense as if we are familiar because of another person.

 

Hope that makes sense.

[serial muse]

Hmm.

 

TM, I brought it up because I wasn't sure if I should be worried yet. When I said, "So far", it's because I know that if he keeps it up and it becomes frequent even if he passes it off as a joke, it's going to bother me. I brought it up to see if it might be related to what's happening even though I don't pick up any serious undertones when he makes these comments and he's done it probably 3 times so far. I don't know if that makes him a possessive person, because I still go out and do my own things with friends etc without him and he's never had a problem with it, and vice versa. He is such a sweetheart aside from that though.

 

He was engaged to his fiance of 4 years who left him for his boss a few years ago, fyi, so maybe this could explain his behaviour?

 

Sam, I totally get where you're coming from. He definitely wasn't implying that he would hurt me if it happened, but that he would give me crap for it and would leave (who wouldn't? I would too!) Still, you're right- he might be believing that I might do it. But, what I really don't get is that if you're right, it totally contradicts everything he's said about trust in relationships so far.

 

I asked him if he would ever look my name up (he's a cop) and he said no, he would leave the relationship if it had come to that point. As for exes, he doesn't keep in touch with any of them and he knows that I don't, he hasn't brought anything up about that, so I know he trusts me. He has said from time to time that if something happens that have caused him to lose trust or whatnot that any efforts to fix it isn't helping, he will most likely leave, like I or anyone else would. He's made it clear that if there's a problem, he will talk to me about it and I believe him, because he's a very direct person and doesn't like to put aside problems, and has done it before. I strongly believe that this is part of his character, as he has already told me that he has an issue about hearing about my past, for example.

 

I guess, what I'm trying to ask, if he was insecure about me cheating, wouldn't he have said something by now, or tried to talk to me when he has done that about other problems before? You're right that I probably will get resentful if it continues and increases in frequency, joking or not. Should I say something? I could bring up that while I understand that he's joking, it makes me wonder whether he's really afraid about that sort of thing happening, and that he's afraid to bring it up with me because I'll percieve it as him having trust issues? I'd like to nip this in the bud also.

 

Oh wow, so his ex left him for his boss. Okay, yeah, that would screw with someone's head.

 

That does NOT make it excusable for him to foist his insecurities off on you, by any means - but having been in a similar position (my exH cheated on me) I know first-hand how hard it can be to let go of the intangible worry, even when you're with a completely different partner. It does change you. I've been out of that relationship for a while now, and have been with my current BF for going on three years, but I still have some lingering insecurity issues (which, unfortunately for me, my BF doesn't always deal with in a totally understanding way).

 

I guess the thing is, when it comes to someone's deep-seated trust issues, you can't really "nip it in the bud" - it's a process. And it's probably going to be a bit wearing on you, I admit; hopefully, it's worth it. I can only tell you what works with me - if I'm feeling insecure with my BF (say, the spectre of an exGF rears its head) it always works best if he swallows his own defensiveness and responds instantly by holding me and reassuring me that he wants me and only me. Not that that happens all (or probably most ) of the time, but that's the thing that works best. I realize that it's a tall order and he's not responsible for my issues, but I have to say, it is an especially nice treat when he does that for me. Feels like he understands and it's deeply reassuring.

 

But back to you. Like I said, this isn't really your problem; of course, if you want it to work with him, you're taking some of it on, and patience will be key. But ultimately, your BF has a lot work to do - and this, too, I know first-hand. It sounds like the vast majority of this isn't about you or your past at all. As long as you're not doing anything to poke at his insecurities (and it really sounds like you're not, occasional slip-ups aside) you are perfectly in the right to insist that he be aware that he's got some insecurity issues from his own past that he's often tempted to pass off onto you, and he needs to take ownership of them. Not taking ownership of his own stuff is a relationship-killer.

[burningashes]

SM, thanks for your insight, I hadn't considered that since my BF hasn't really talked about it other than when we were talking about our relationship histories a couple of times several months ago.

 

If what you say is the case, perhaps I need to have a discussion with him. When he said that to me, I told him not to do the same or else I'd kick his ass too. I also added, "I love you and you only, so I would not do that to you," and hugged him to which he said, "I know, and I love you too." So it isn't like I don't reassure him. When he said a while ago that he doesn't want to share me with anyone else, I said that I was all his and that's all I want, etc. Now that I'm thinking about this, he does make jokes whenever I'm texting on my phone, asking if I'm talking to one of my boyfriends, I'd say, ha ha, no, it's my mother or work, or whatever. So.. you're right, all the comments are definitely related.

 

If I do a discussion with him, how should I bring it to his attention that the comments make me uncomfortable? I take cheating very seriously and I believe that it should only be talked about if it actually happened with either one of us or if it's about other people, you know? It shouldn't be joked about at all. I mean, what's so funny about that?

 

I want to be understanding that he's been hurt, but that he shouldn't be putting it on me because I haven't done anything wrong. I do reassure him etc, but that's as much I can really do for him. I think he does trust me, otherwise he wouldn't be dating me, right? How do I bring this up without coming across as if I'm accusing him?

[serial muse]

SM, thanks for your insight, I hadn't considered that since my BF hasn't really talked about it other than when we were talking about our relationship histories a couple of times several months ago.

 

If what you say is the case, perhaps I need to have a discussion with him. When he said that to me, I told him not to do the same or else I'd kick his ass too. I also added, "I love you and you only, so I would not do that to you," and hugged him to which he said, "I know, and I love you too." So it isn't like I don't reassure him. When he said a while ago that he doesn't want to share me with anyone else, I said that I was all his and that's all I want, etc. Now that I'm thinking about this, he does make jokes whenever I'm texting on my phone, asking if I'm talking to one of my boyfriends, I'd say, ha ha, no, it's my mother or work, or whatever. So.. you're right, all the comments are definitely related.

 

If I do a discussion with him, how should I bring it to his attention that the comments make me uncomfortable? I take cheating very seriously and I believe that it should only be talked about if it actually happened with either one of us or if it's about other people, you know? It shouldn't be joked about at all. I mean, what's so funny about that?

 

I want to be understanding that he's been hurt, but that he shouldn't be putting it on me because I haven't done anything wrong. I do reassure him etc, but that's as much I can really do for him. I think he does trust me, otherwise he wouldn't be dating me, right? How do I bring this up without coming across as if I'm accusing him?

 

burning, you sound so articulate that I admit I have a hard time imagining how you haven't already expressed this to him! Especially the bits in bold.

 

Honestly, that's as much as you can do for him - I think the hard part, though, is being willing to reassure someone and express these kinds of things not only repeatedly but also in situations where you're much more inclined to be defensive (such as when he's being kind of an ass). That's the real challenge of dealing with this kind of thing. Just ask my BF. Haha. Ack, I sound like an apologist for the insecure.

 

Anyway, I think he does trust you, too; but we all have buttons and sometimes we're not even aware someone's pushing them until we calm down a bit. So the most important thing is to talk about it calmly and without accusation. There's never going to be an easy time to bring it up to him, but I would definitely choose a time when you're not, um, vulnerable (naked). Perhaps a quiet hanging-out afternoon - just say something along the lines of "you make these jokes sometimes and I know you're trying to be lighthearted. But I want you to know that I take cheating very seriously, and it's not a joke to me. I want you to know that I'm with you and only you; and it would make me feel really good to know that you do trust me."