5 Years and it's so difficult, tell me what you think

[Blah Toolz]

I've been reading over many of the posts, my gf of about five years has broken up with me. We've gone on breaks before, and usually end up getting back together when I acted fairly nonchalant, didn't beg or even talk about getting back together, etc. She would usually initiate getting back with me.

 

This time it seems more permanent though, and I am really feeling down about it.

 

The last time we went on a break, about 4 months ago, which she initiated, I ended up making out with another girl because I was sick of feeling expendable. I lied to her about it initially, but then told her about it. We reconciled, but after she got into an argument with one of my friends at a party, ended up breaking up with me again. This was about a month ago. She cites me making out with the other girl as the biggest reason.

 

My question is, I have been contemplating if NC is the best course of action to take? We have reached the point now where we just saw each other the other day, the attraction level is still extremely high towards each other. I told her I can't imagine myself being with anybody else, and we ended up fooling around. We still talk often, and she still talks and calls me almost everyday.

 

She says she has no interest in other guys, and has explicitly stated she isn't doing anything. But we still aren't official. At this point, is she just stringing me along? I trust her when she says this, but to you women out there, and I will take any view point on this, is she just stringing me along? Is no-contact the best course of action to take in this case? I have already told her how much I am sorry about what has happened. If she was truly wanting to be with me still, would she be willing to work on it?

 

I'm just so confused. Sorry about the lengthiness of this post, but the more I try to condense it, the more that just pours out. I want to be with her. I miss her so much. But if she doesn't want to be with me, and doesn't want to fool around with other guys; this leaves me in a gray area. Like a limbo. We still spend time together and sometimes fool around. But she won't make it official again. Five years together. It's just so hard to move on so quickly... please give me some advice you guys. I'm thinking of telling her how i feel, and then saying: "Come talk to me if you want to work on it. Maybe I'll still be around, but I think it's too soon to be just friends." And then initiating no contact.

[BackonTrack2]

your ex is bored with life and blames you.

she's not your girl so you can kiss other people, she broke up with you.

 

she is trying to have her cake and eat it too.

 

shes emotionally damaged.

 

get rid of her, find a new one.

[Blah Toolz]

Thanks for the response...

 

I told her today that I'm not ready to be friends, and that she should call me if she's thinking about working on our relationship. She practically begged to be able to still talk to me. "What if I get happy about something and want to tell you, or am having a bad day, etc."

 

I just told her I respected her decision, and that it would be better for both of us for a little time off.

 

I never thought about it that way -- her being bored of life. Maybe that's why she kept breaking up and getting back together with me. She didn't want to see me with anyone else, yet maybe wanted to see if I'd go running back. Or maybe she was genuinely trying to be with me again. Who knows. All I know is that she isn't willing to work on the five years we had now, so I gotta keep going.

[Island Girl]

You don't want her as a friend. You want her to be your girlfriend.

 

You don't want her to phone you and chat about things like she would her girlfriends.

It is always a mistake to continue talking to a girlfriend who broke up with you and allow her to call you everyday or worse hang out.

 

That saying "why buy the cow" works both ways.

 

By talking with her and "being there" for her, she gets access to all of the girlfriend benefits (a guy who cares about how she feels, tells her things that will help her feel better, even some affection if needed) but without having any commitment to you.

 

She can check up on what is going on in your life as far as other women, etc. All of which is NONE of her business.

The second she broke up with you, your life became your own.

You don't owe her any information and you certainly do not owe her an explanation for anything.

 

When you kissed another girl you did nothing -- NOTHING - wrong. That was your prerogative.

 

Let's say she found out and she really cared about YOU. Knowing she broke up with you she would want you to be happy.

The fact that she got upset and then tried to use it against you shows me how selfish she is. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want you with anyone else either.

She wants you still wanting her and being devoted to her whenever she wants you to be.

 

Now turn that around. Let's say you want to see her or talk to her. She can avoid that and even blatantly tell you "no" because she broke up with you. She owes you nothing and knows it. But out of the two of you she is the only one who will say that. You always say yes.

 

Or at least you did until you claimed your manhood back somewhat and told her you won't play the game anymore.

 

I am sorry you got lost during the course of this relationship.

You systematically destroyed your backbone and she put you through the ringer.

 

And then she did the same thing over and over again.

 

I am so sorry. I know it sucks. I know it feels just terrible.

 

But you allowed her to do this.

 

I am sorry I have to put it that way. I am hoping you'll see I mean it as a form of tough love.

 

The first time - you didn't see it coming. So that isn't your fault.

But you know that saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"?

I don't know what it is when it is the third or fourth time, etc.

 

You should be really angry with her. But you aren't.

She has your head so mixed up that you aren't even righteously indignant.

 

The reality is she is really screwed up emotionally. She is in no position to be able to care for your heart so you shouldn't entrust it to her.

 

She lost all of her respect for you and has taken advantage of your feelings for her over and over again.

And then she has let it be known that you don't deserve your own life. That she owns your emotions and your life even though she broke up with you.

That means technically (and in every other way) you do not owe her anything.

You don't owe her time, effort, emotion, sharing, etc.

You do not have to spend any time listening, talking, etc.

 

I am glad you finally told her you weren't going to be her doormat anymore.

You need to get your self respect back.

 

I hope you really allow yourself to heal and get a clear perspective on this.

[BackonTrack2]

Yeah, you caught it early.

 

Don't pick up when she calls again.

 

At this point, its all about Human emmotions and its always the same. They all act the same..

 

Hot, COLD, HOT COLD.

Shes not stable

 

At this point in time, she's looking at it like she's doing YOU a favor. Its a honor to be with her and since she's not happy she blames you. She's looking for someone to make her "happy".

 

In the end, she doesn't know what she wants to do but your the problem... whatever

 

You said what you had to say, you have drawn the line in the sand.

 

Either way, its OVER and your the past.

 

Heal yourself. Get better. Revisit the situation in a few months.

 

PS. She wants you there for emotional support. Your no longer the boyfriend. Your friend.. and well you know what that means??

 

She can fawk someone else with no guilt

[Blah Toolz]

Yeah, I know I need outside opinions on this because my head and heart are still so devoted to her.

 

So even though she said "She's not doing anything with anyone else, and doesn't want to," I still shouldn't hang out with her? I guess I am just still clinging to the chance that she really does love me, because we fooled around last time I saw her, etc.

 

But I'll hold firm to NC in the mean time. So when they get like this, there never is any hope, is there Island_Girl? It hurts, but I guess it'll make me stronger and get over it more quickly.

[Island Girl]

Yeah, I know I need outside opinions on this because my head and heart are still so devoted to her.

 

That is the scary part.

 

Even after she has treated you like crap and stomped your heart into the ground, perpetually has played shady games, and has thought of no one but herself you are still stuck -- and have no anger.

 

That is a big deal.

 

She talks your mind in circles but her actions are what you should pay attention to you.

 

Number 1 --

 

is she there with you? No.

 

could she be if she wanted? Yes.

 

So she shouldn't get anything from you.

 

So even though she said "She's not doing anything with anyone else, and doesn't want to," I still shouldn't hang out with her? I guess I am just still clinging to the chance that she really does love me, because we fooled around last time I saw her, etc.

 

No you shouldn't hang out with her. She shouldn't have access to you at all.

 

Flip the situation and imagine a guy who has dumped a girl and yet she still is on his tip.

He will use her when he wants for what he wants but does he respect her? No.

Would you tell that girl that it is a good idea for her to keep it up? No.

Would you tell her to wait it out and be around because that guy will eventually comes to his senses and realize it is true love? No.

 

In any break up it is impossible to miss someone who is still there - still around.

It is impossible to respect someone who allows you to crap all over them.

 

 

But I'll hold firm to NC in the mean time. So when they get like this, there never is any hope, is there Island_Girl? It hurts, but I guess it'll make me stronger and get over it more quickly.

 

There is if you can remember who the guy is she fell for. Because I can guarantee you aren't him.

You lost him during the first part of the relationship. Before the first break up.

You became whipped. You lost your back bone.

You fell too hard and gave too much.

You took too much of her sh*t without standing up for yourself. You made it know you'd do anything for her.

And she set about making you prove it.

She got the strings tied and then began her stint as the puppet master.

 

It is up to you to get your back bone back. You need your manhood back.

 

Look. I know -- KNOW -- my husband loves me.

But I can't treat him like crap. He will not put up with it. And because I know that he is the only one who hasn't gotten manipulative deceitful game crap.

 

And as much as I love him (and I truly love him more that anyone could know) he will never walk all over me.

 

As much as I love him I will not sacrifice my life and self respect for anyone.

[EasyHeart]

Look at it this way: you want to be with her, and she seems unsure about whether she wants to be with you. You can walk away and cut contact with her, and that will be the end of it -- there's no hope you'll ever be together. Or you can take a chance, spend time with her and see if you can work things out. It might not work out, but maybe it will. Sure, it's a risk -- but all the good things in life are a risk.

 

The thing you have to be prepared for is getting hurt again. Walking away is the easy thing to do -- it protects you and makes sure that you won't get hurt by her again. So if protecting yourself is the most important thing to you, then you should walk away. But if being with her is the most important thing to you, then you owe it to yourself and to her to at least see what might happen.

 

Obviously, if you get together again without really figuring out what's wrong and why your relationship failed, then nothing is going to change. So part of the process is going to be doing some serious soul-searching on both your parts, and you have to be willing to do that -- and so does she.

 

I don't agree with people who say that if she really wanted to be with you, she would announce that she made a huge mistake and desperately wants you back. No one really does stuff like that -- we reach out cautiously to see if the other person might still be interested, and we talk about having made mistakes once we feel safe that the other person isn't going to lash out and try to hurt us to get revenge.

 

You obviously still have feelings for her, so I don't see what you have to lose by spending time with her and seeing if you can work things out.

[Blah Toolz]

The more and more I think about everything on a whole, the more I become angry. Your post also helps me to realize that I'm not the bad guy either.

 

Maybe I did forgive her for too much ****. Sometimes I felt as if I wasn't caring enough, or did my own thing too much -- I didn't feel as if I was whipped. I guess taking her back after we broke up the first time is a form of being whipped in itself though? I don't feel as if I put up with any of her ****, I always stood up for myself.

 

Thank you for your posts though, Island_Girl, they've been very informative.

[Island Girl]

The more and more I think about everything on a whole, the more I become angry. Your post also helps me to realize that I'm not the bad guy either.

 

Even if mistakes are made the person who made the mistakes can make up for them - make amends - without being stomped into the dirt.

 

There should always be a line that you will not allow to be crossed.

 

There IS such a thing as healthy vs. unhealthy.

 

Maybe I did forgive her for too much ****. Sometimes I felt as if I wasn't caring enough, or did my own thing too much -- I didn't feel as if I was whipped. I guess taking her back after we broke up the first time is a form of being whipped in itself though? I don't feel as if I put up with any of her ****, I always stood up for myself.

 

Jumping back into the fire too quickly and then hanging on when you should have told her she wasn't really committed to the relationship.

 

Just remember that, if she does come back and tell you she wants to try again, you have to go slow, and have a clear idea of where your boundaries are.

 

Don't be so scared it will be over that you don't stand up for yourself and call foul when appropriate.

I have a feeling there have been several times when that happened and it did nothing to help you. In fact it is shooting yourself in the foot.

 

Thank you for your posts though, Island_Girl, they've been very informative.

 

I am glad I could help.

 

Unless someone has been where you are they do not understand how torturous it is.

 

Well, unless they were on the under end of it pulling the strings.

 

I hope you do get angry. And I hope you take the time to remember that guy you used to be and become the whole version of yourself again.

[Blah Toolz]

What did you mean by the comment about it shooting me in the foot, Island? That by standing up for myself, she was still just being selfish and it just ended up not helping me?

 

I know she will try to contact me again, it's going to be up to me to how I handle it. You're saying I shouldn't ignore her completely? Just play it cool, and focus on myself for a while?

[paperchase]

Please listen to me here and learn from my mistakes. I was in the same situation you are in. This started in late 2008. My girl and I broke up. We had smaller breakups earlier that ended in reconciliation. This time we stayed broken up but continued to hang out at times, talk regularly, reaffirm our love and even have sex. But we never became official again. I was chasing my tail for months trying to fix things; to figure out what was wrong. I beat myself up real bad.

 

She was busy weaning herself off me; getting the courage to move on and searching for my replacement with the security of knowing I was a phone call away. I got strung along. She was distant less, less interested over time, acted like she was doing me a favor, ready to walk away from the relationship at a moment's notice. I was holding on for dear life. Once she found a replacement I got dropped. I felt betrayed because she said all the things your ex has said about not being interested in others, etc. I was devastated and blindsided and even though we weren't a couple I felt that she cheated on me.

 

Fast foward a few months she tells me she has dumped her replacement. She can't get over me. We're back to spending time the way we did after she broke up with me but before she found my replacement. We still aren't a couple. So maybe she's looking for a better replacement. Who knows but what I do know, or at least believe, is that if I had walked away and gone no contact as soon as she first dumped me she would have come back and worked on fixing our relationship. I empowered her by letting her have her cake and eat it too. At the same time, I put myself in a vulnerable position.

 

My advice is to tell her you're moving on and go no contact for at least 10 days. If she wants you she will beat down your door. She will say she made a mistake. That other poster is just wrong. It happens and it happened for me; it's just that she was manipulating me to get me to break the NC and let her back in again. But still, she said it and once they say it you have to hear them out if you're serious about a second chance. Do not, I repeat, do not go about this the way you are. You will get played man. Trust me.

[Blah Toolz]

Yeah, thanks Paper. I told her what I said in the previous post, and I'm going to go no contact for a while. It's going to hurt a lot, but it's what has to be done, I'd say. Because talking to her now is still hurting me, even if we do fool around.

 

Easy, I can see where you're coming from, but I think that what you stated is what I've been doing every time she and I have broken up and gotten back together.

[paperchase]

Yeah, thanks Paper. I told her what I said in the previous post, and I'm going to go no contact for a while. It's going to hurt a lot, but it's what has to be done, I'd say. Because talking to her now is still hurting me, even if we do fool around.

 

Easy, I can see where you're coming from, but I think that what you stated is what I've been doing every time she and I have broken up and gotten back together.

 

Look she still like you, maybe loves you. Go NC and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Do not break NC for any reason whatsoever for about 2 weeks and only then if she's begging. If you break NC before then you will be very hurt and very disappointed because she will not say what you want to hear. You want her to say lets give it another try. You'll be right back to ground zero. Let her come to you. If she does then you're set; if not, she was already gone. Going NC will not push her away. It will draw her closer if the love is real. Good luck and be STRONG!

[Blah Toolz]

Haha, thanks bro. You guys are helping me immensely, and I appreciate it.

 

It just makes me wonder though; how can someone go from loving me completely to going so cold? Why am I always willing to work things out even when things are bad and I feel like calling it quits too?

 

Am I just more in love than they are? More mature, possibly? I don't know. Someone told me a beautiful woman will dump you because she doesn't know what it feels like to get dumped. But I don't think that's true in many cases. When my ex was begging to get back with me after our last break, I guess I was a little put off by it. But it was because I didn't believe her. But I could feel her pain, and because I loved her so much, I didn't want her to feel that pain. I wanted to be with her forever, so I got back with her.

 

I treated her well, I stood up for myself in many cases I thought. I guess like you guys said though, I let her back in too easily. Even though I thought I was showing her how much I loved her. I guess it just isn't my time.

 

Haha, well thanks again for letting me vent all.

[Island Girl]

Why am I always willing to work things out even when things are bad and I feel like calling it quits too?

 

Are you the one always making concessions and trying to understand her?

Are you the one that doesn't cut and run -- and actually stands steadfast while she is saying it should be over, etc. and then it gets worked out?

 

Let me tell you, when someone threatens for it to be over and then the issue is resolved - the other person had a jarring impact and is left feeling more unsure in the relationship. If done continuously then the person has a fear of abandonment either triggered or started within them.

This clouds judgment and when problems happen one person is feeling the "OMG it can't be over" underneath whatever the feelings are regarding the issues.

They won't say what they should say --- what they normally would have said because of fear of the perception of the other (they fear the person saying "it's over" again).

 

Hope that all makes sense.

 

But this is where a lot of the torment and fear comes from.

She is able to manipulate you and mess with your head because you take the blame so easily. You believe that there must be something you could have done -- but you never examine that sometimes the thing to do would have been nothing -- or walking away.

 

She has to be respectful and willing to work things out as well.

 

She has no real fear of losing you. She doesn't think "oh I shouldn't crap all over him because I don't want to lose him".

 

Love doesn't mean taking all the abuse another person can hand out.

 

When she said "what about if something good happens or I have a bad day" -- that said A LOT.

 

Her reaction was all about her. 'What happens if I need something from you?'

 

Did she say I didn't realize you were hurting so much?

I am so sorry?

I understand completely and it was selfish for me to want you to hang around while I gave you mixed signals?

 

No. She was concerned about herself.

 

Am I just more in love than they are? More mature, possibly?

 

More mature, yes.

 

Someone told me a beautiful woman will dump you because she doesn't know what it feels like to get dumped.

 

Hard to say but possibly.

I have been the beautiful woman that has never been dumped.

But I was also not exactly mature in how I dealt with matters of the heart. And everything came way too easy for me to appreciate them too.

 

When my ex was begging to get back with me after our last break, I guess I was a little put off by it. But it was because I didn't believe her. But I could feel her pain, and because I loved her so much, I didn't want her to feel that pain. I wanted to be with her forever, so I got back with her.

 

You loved her so much that you went against your better judgment and got back together with her because you didn't want her to feel that pain.

 

But then she had no problem causing the pain in the first place by dumping you instead of working things out.

And she had no problem doing that again either.

 

Things shouldn't be that one sided. Especially not repetitively.

 

I treated her well, I stood up for myself in many cases I thought. I guess like you guys said though, I let her back in too easily. Even though I thought I was showing her how much I loved her. I guess it just isn't my time.

 

Do you think she should see how much you really love her quickly after she ripped your heart out of her chest? Should she immediately get another chance to stomp on it?

Or should she have to show you that she can be trusted with it?

 

Haha, well thanks again for letting me vent all.

 

No problem. I'm glad you are finding it helpful.

 

And I hope you get stronger and stronger.

[paperchase]

Haha, thanks bro. You guys are helping me immensely, and I appreciate it.

 

It just makes me wonder though; how can someone go from loving me completely to going so cold? Why am I always willing to work things out even when things are bad and I feel like calling it quits too?

 

Am I just more in love than they are? More mature, possibly? I don't know. Someone told me a beautiful woman will dump you because she doesn't know what it feels like to get dumped. But I don't think that's true in many cases. When my ex was begging to get back with me after our last break, I guess I was a little put off by it. But it was because I didn't believe her. But I could feel her pain, and because I loved her so much, I didn't want her to feel that pain. I wanted to be with her forever, so I got back with her.

 

I treated her well, I stood up for myself in many cases I thought. I guess like you guys said though, I let her back in too easily. Even though I thought I was showing her how much I loved her. I guess it just isn't my time.

 

Haha, well thanks again for letting me vent all.

 

They don't stop loving you overnight. It just seems that way. It's a slow process and by the time they call it quits, they've done quite a lot of thinking and preparing for that moment. That's why it's so hard the get them back after they're gone. Your ex might not be ready to call it quits but she's definitely getting stronger by the day and stronger the more you remain in her life and let her know you are there as a fall back.

 

In terms of being ready to work it out...one fellow poster CaliGuy said the person with the most power in a relationship is the one who cares the least. Women know when you're ready to walk away and mean it; they also know when you ain't going nowhere.

[Island Girl]

Women know when you're ready to walk away and mean it; they also know when you ain't going nowhere.

 

Exactly.

 

And one of the most manipulative tactics used (I used it quite a lot) is the "you don't really care" or "you never really cared" tactic.

 

This usually leads to the other person taking much they shouldn't and putting up with much they shouldn't to prove their love -- and going over and above the call of duty even after a break up or while broken up.

 

All of this to show what is known already. That you do indeed love the other.

 

You sacrifice what you really want and deserve and get used to accepting crumbs and excuses from her.

You tell yourself it is enough for now and you'll stick it out.

 

When the best thing you could do for yourself and the possibility of a relationship is tell her you won't put up with bullsh*t.

That you deserve better treatment and if she isn't so sure she wants to be with you or she wants to treat you badly then you can and will find someone else whom you can be happy with who WILL treat you as you should be treated.

[Blah Toolz]

Well, Day 1 of no contact then guys. And it's going well. I don't think she's coming back though. When I asked her yesterday before going NC if she thought it was worth it to work on our problems, she said "Not right now, I just don't know."

 

It hurts more than anything, but like I said, your insight has been helpful, all. It does reveal a lot about her that she only wants to talk to me if "She has something good to tell me" or is having a "bad day." She doesn't care that I'm hurt. She isn't here.

 

So although I guess this is another chapter closing in my life, there's nothing to do now but keep doing my thang, and not second guess everything that is said or done. Do I still want to get back with her? Unfortunately yes, and I miss her. It hurts that the love we once had, or the events that we went through together are gone. But I know that I can get through this.

[hopesndreams]

Going NC will not push her away. It will draw her closer if the love is real.

 

But keep in mind that the NC can draw her closer because she still wants to "play" with you. Going NC is your best bet though and gives you a chance to get your head straight, you do need time away from her and her games.

[Blah Toolz]

Going on Day 2.

 

She called me a few times, sent me a text asking for help with something, and poked me on Facebook. All very tempting reasons for me to jump back into the fray, but I held strong and held with no contact.

 

I'm realizing now that I was single before her, and now I can enjoy many aspects of single life that I had altered before she came along. I actually thought about summer time, and meeting new people, and how exciting that prospect is. I actually wasn't sick to my stomach thinking about possibly hanging out with another girl.

 

The feeling of overwhelming emptiness is subsiding -- my head is clearing. Haha, seems like a lot for Day 1, but I'll take it.

[Island Girl]

Going on Day 2.

 

She called me a few times, sent me a text asking for help with something, and poked me on Facebook. All very tempting reasons for me to jump back into the fray, but I held strong and held with no contact.

 

I'm realizing now that I was single before her, and now I can enjoy many aspects of single life that I had altered before she came along. I actually thought about summer time, and meeting new people, and how exciting that prospect is. I actually wasn't sick to my stomach thinking about possibly hanging out with another girl.

 

The feeling of overwhelming emptiness is subsiding -- my head is clearing. Haha, seems like a lot for Day 1, but I'll take it.

 

I am glad you are realizing there is life with out her.

 

And that life doesn't include head games, emotional manipulation, and torment. So there ARE benefits.

 

Keep in mind you haven't done this before. So this is going to flip her out a little bit.

Don't cave. Have a backbone.

 

If she gets too flipped out she may show up at your door.

This could be under the guise of "I was so worried about you!" or some other emotional tug to get you to a knee jerk reaction (because she knows that knee jerk reaction is ALWAYS in her favor). Again do not cave.

And DO NOT say "I just can't talk with you right now because it is too hard".

You already said it once (and had I been posting here earlier I would have told you not to say that) so what is done is done.

 

From now on the most information she gets is "I want a girlfriend. You don't want that. It seems we have nothing to talk about".

 

If she says she still wants to be friends you tell her "I have enough friends. I am not looking for friends".

 

 

You may have days that don't feel as good as this. But they get fewer and more far between.

 

Just remember you are getting yourself untangled from the web right now.

You need the space so you can see and think clearly.

 

Then, if and when she does really want to try you will take control of things and not jump right in to more of the same.

 

Congratulations to finally seeing the whole picture.

You are seeing just parts now but it'll get put together as you remember more things that she said and how she said them. More things that were no doubt more of the "all about me and how I feel" stuff.

[paperchase]

You sound like you are looking forward to the opportunity to meet new people. This is the perfect place to be mentally. Not wanting to reconcile is best and NC should help you move on most quickly. If you do want to reconcile, NC is still the way to go.

 

You mentioned your ex attempting to establish communication and that you held strong. Good job! Expect her efforts to intensify. There's lots of talk on this forum about the circumstances under which you should give in to your ex's efforts. This question is asked repeatedly by those who want to reconcile and whose ex's are reaching out to them.

 

There is a term "bread crumbs" which is used often. Bread crumbs are small meaningless advances that fall short of the type of communication you want to hear. Your ex may call to tell you something, or say they miss you, or say they were thinking about you, or need some help or a questions answered. If what you want is a second chance, none of this amounts to a hill of beans.

 

What you want is for them to apologize and admit they made a mistake. Then you want them to say they are willing to do whatever it takes to work things out. You want them to beg you the way you begged them not to call it quits. Even if they do this, it could be a manipulative ploy but they must do this at a minimum for you to entertain anything they have to say once you go NC.

 

You don't want to keep going back and forth between NC and no NC because it looses its effectiveness so don't go for any bread crumbs. Hold out for what you want or move on if you don't get it. Easier said than done but you definitely have the right attitude.

[Island Girl]

There is a term "bread crumbs" which is used often. Bread crumbs are small meaningless advances that fall short of the type of communication you want to hear. Your ex may call to tell you something, or say they miss you, or say they were thinking about you, or need some help or a questions answered. If what you want is a second chance, none of this amounts to a hill of beans.

 

What you want is for them to apologize and admit they made a mistake. Then you want them to say they are willing to do whatever it takes to work things out. You want them to beg you the way you begged them not to call it quits. Even if they do this, it could be a manipulative ploy but they must do this at a minimum for you to entertain anything they have to say once you go NC.

 

You don't want to keep going back and forth between NC and no NC because it looses its effectiveness so don't go for any bread crumbs. Hold out for what you want or move on if you don't get it. Easier said than done but you definitely have the right attitude.

 

*APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE*

 

Exactly.

 

This is the most succinct and true explanation I have ever seen in writing.

 

I wholeheartedly agree 1,000,000 percent.

[apple21]

Wow, there is some great advice in this thread.