5 Years and it's so difficult, tell me what you think

[Blah Toolz]

Wow, Island and paper, you guys are like my guardian angels, and you're also answering the questions that are emblazoned in my mind before I can even ask them.

 

Today was Day 3 guys, and I was away on a trip all day. Had to take a flight during the morning and then at night to head back home. It was a long day, but I also was able to meet a lot of interesting people, including a very cute girl that was also extremely easy to talk with. The past few days, I hadn't even been able to think about other women. My confidence was fairly shot -- but learning all about this girl was effortless. She sat with me on the bus to our destination, and then also on the bus on the way back home. Pretty damn nice.

 

I'm actually surprised at how easily I was able to keep my mind off the ex today. She made a few attempts to contact today as well, and thanks to you guys, I stood firm like a resolute oak comprised of some newfound bad-ass bark, and didn't cave in to the 'crumbs'. YOUR BOY AINT NO FOOL.

 

Haha, it's actually almost funny how prophetic some of your words are. She called once early in the morning. She then called again a few hours later and then again towards dinner time. This time, the message she left said, "Wondering what you were up to, I didn't know your trip was today. Please, give me a call." It culminated at the end of the night with two text messages: "Did you get my voicemail?" And the last one, where she simply questioned me with a nickname she used to call me when we dated. Corny, true.

 

I was actually going to ask when I should capitulate to the NC, but I told myself that it was going to be at least 10 days anyways, and you guys have answered pretty much everything that was on my mind anyways. She's going away in the middle of this week on a trip with her family, so it'll be easier that way. Thanks again to those of you who have given advice, especially island_girl and paper. You've helped me more than you know, and hopefully the solace you have given me has given you some sort of gratification as well.

 

Also, if she shows up at my door, and I stick to the advice you've given? What if she doesn't leave? Do I just act nonchalant with her? Telling her to leave might be a little too strong after telling her that we have nothing to talk about? And even if she says in a txt, "I want to see you, let's hang out" etc, that is still just a thinly disguised bread crumb, correct?

[Island Girl]

Also, if she shows up at my door, and I stick to the advice you've given? What if she doesn't leave? Do I just act nonchalant with her? Telling her to leave might be a little too strong after telling her that we have nothing to talk about?

 

You don't talk. You listen.

 

SHE will run on at the mouth when you don't.

You will see she is going to try every tactic.

She is going to act like she is just concerned about YOU at some point (change it up because she is normally so all about her and she knows it)

She'll say things about you not caring and you not loving her the way you used to or say you "obviously" never did.

She may try to be quiet to get you spilling.

Usually if I could get the guy to talk I could figure out what he needed to hear at that point.

 

You just listen. Keep your wits about you and watch her scramble.

 

If she talks about your "relationship" then you can ask for clarification. "What relationship are you talking about? Our friendship?"

And make sure if you do that you say FRIENDSHIP.

She will have to say specifically that she means the romance. (I don't think she will this soon. And if she does do NOT just jump back in.)

 

What you can say if pressed (after she talks for a while) is that you are just hearing more of the same stuff from her that you have been hearing. (you do not have to clarify for her -- so DON'T -- she will KNOW what you mean because she knows she has been yanking you for this long).

You can say you don't wish her any ill will but you want something more in your life and that isn't what she is looking for. Bottom line.

 

Do not get emotional. And only say that ONE time.

 

If she keeps going on and on then you can say this isn't going anywhere and you have to be somewhere, etc.

 

And even if she says in a txt, "I want to see you, let's hang out" etc, that is still just a thinly disguised bread crumb, correct?

 

That bread crumb is not even disguised.

 

I want to see you. Let's hang out.

 

That clearly says it's all about her -- what she wants -- and that she just wants to "hang out" which is what friends do.

 

What do you do? You ignore -- ignore -- ignore.

 

NO CONTACT mean NO contact. No replies - nothing.

 

 

If someone wants to make amends and truly wants another chance they will make EFFORT to have you understand that.

It is up to them to step up and put it out there CLEARLY and in a vulnerable way.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

 

Oh and you are VERY welcome.

For me it DOES help me alleviate some of my guilt. LOL

[paperchase]

Wow, Island and paper, you guys are like my guardian angels, and you're also answering the questions that are emblazoned in my mind before I can even ask them.

 

Today was Day 3 guys, and I was away on a trip all day. Had to take a flight during the morning and then at night to head back home. It was a long day, but I also was able to meet a lot of interesting people, including a very cute girl that was also extremely easy to talk with. The past few days, I hadn't even been able to think about other women. My confidence was fairly shot -- but learning all about this girl was effortless. She sat with me on the bus to our destination, and then also on the bus on the way back home. Pretty damn nice.

 

I'm actually surprised at how easily I was able to keep my mind off the ex today. She made a few attempts to contact today as well, and thanks to you guys, I stood firm like a resolute oak comprised of some newfound bad-ass bark, and didn't cave in to the 'crumbs'. YOUR BOY AINT NO FOOL.

 

Haha, it's actually almost funny how prophetic some of your words are. She called once early in the morning. She then called again a few hours later and then again towards dinner time. This time, the message she left said, "Wondering what you were up to, I didn't know your trip was today. Please, give me a call." It culminated at the end of the night with two text messages: "Did you get my voicemail?" And the last one, where she simply questioned me with a nickname she used to call me when we dated. Corny, true.

 

I was actually going to ask when I should capitulate to the NC, but I told myself that it was going to be at least 10 days anyways, and you guys have answered pretty much everything that was on my mind anyways. She's going away in the middle of this week on a trip with her family, so it'll be easier that way. Thanks again to those of you who have given advice, especially island_girl and paper. You've helped me more than you know, and hopefully the solace you have given me has given you some sort of gratification as well.

 

Also, if she shows up at my door, and I stick to the advice you've given? What if she doesn't leave? Do I just act nonchalant with her? Telling her to leave might be a little too strong after telling her that we have nothing to talk about? And even if she says in a txt, "I want to see you, let's hang out" etc, that is still just a thinly disguised bread crumb, correct?

 

My rule of thumb is if you have to ask, then it's a bread crumb. You'll know it if or when you receive a communication substantial enough to break the silence. First, the communication should be selfless not selfish. Island Girl is right, it shouldn't be about what she wants. For example, I miss you, I want to see you, I need this or that, I can't sleep, etc. It should start with I made a mistake which, in my view is different than saying I am sorry. We are sorry for many things which we would still do over again if given the chance. Mistakes are things we'd like to take back if given another opportunity to make a fresh decision.

 

In my case, during NC, communications went from cute little messages like: are you ignoring me, just thinking of you, I know you're ignoring me but I just wanted to say hi...to voice mails saying please call me, I need to talk to you, it's been really tough on me, just give me a smoke signal so I know you are all right, I know you don't care about me anymore, I really want to be there for you, I want to make love, I know I messed up, I made a big mistake...to a voice message and text saying I'm on my way to see you now; I'll be in the restaurant in the lobby of your building at 8pm. That's when I finally decided to meet her.

 

And when we met I did let her do all the talking because she's the one that supposedly had so much to say. I acted distant and nonchalant. No touching, no compliments, no loving bedroom eyes. She did some touching to test the waters. I rolled with it. She said many mind blowing things and truthfully she had me at "hello." I told her I really wasn't sure about things. That I had begun to move on and was happy. That before I even considered things she had to break up with her new bf and agree to couples counseling. She understood. To date she's satisfied the first request. We had sex that night and for 2 of the next 3 days. Then we had a setback resulting from my impatience and her cold feet.

 

The point is we're still not a couple and it was not smooth sailing once I broke NC. I think my timing was right, but I think I played my cards all wrong once the lines of communication were reopned. I talked a good game and made the right demands, but my actions showed that I was all too willing to take her back and forgive all her transgressions. I wanted to go from 0-60 at warp speed and pick up right where we left off. Bad move. Once my ex saw I really had not moved on, she pulled back a bit and began to hedge on all the mind blowing promises she had made during our first post-NC meeting.

 

You would not believe some of the manipulative things she said when she thought she had really lost me. She talked about having my babies, getting married...heck, she got down on one knee grabbed my wedding finger and essentially proposed. Anyway, I did some serious regrouping and I believe have disabused her of the notion that I'm waiting on standby. This was only possible because now I'm actually not waiting on standy. I really wasn't ready to see her the first time we met. I thought I was, but I wasn't.

 

So for you just remember if you even think it's a bread crumb; it's a bread crumb. You are looking for a heartfelt admission that she made a mistake. You are looking for desperation. This doesn't sound nice, but I believe you must break her to the point where she approaches you selflessly. There should be no pride just as you had no dignity when you begged her not to go. Then when you do talk to her you do very little talking. Be skeptical, be detached, be confused. The words "I don't know" work well. The reality, however, is once you let her know you're even willing to consider getting back together you've revealed your cards so the door is officially open to your being manipulated. That's why it's so important to maintain NC until you are as sure as you can be that her intentions are genuine.

[Blah Toolz]

One thing that partially confuses me is the hypothetical chance that I do see her face to face, and this is after I'm sure that what's being said is not just Hansel and Gretal crumbs:

 

I've read that they can't feel pressured to truly miss you, so acting nonchalant and somewhat aloof is the way to go as you just posted, Paper. But Island, is it a form of pressure when you're saying "I want a girlfriend, you don't want that, it seems we have nothing to talk about"? Maybe I'm just misunderstanding, and I apologize if I am. I think your latter post is more clear, island, in that you said "I don't talk, but just listen," for the most part, but again I see "What relationship, our friendship?" I suppose it's not really pressuring her, as would be me saying "Let's talk about our relationship," or anything along those lines, because in your examples, it's her doing all the initiating and clarifying?

[Island Girl]

I've read that they can't feel pressured to truly miss you, so acting nonchalant and somewhat aloof is the way to go as you just posted, Paper. But Island, is it a form of pressure when you're saying "I want a girlfriend, you don't want that, it seems we have nothing to talk about"? Maybe I'm just misunderstanding, and I apologize if I am. I think your latter post is more clear, island, in that you said "I don't talk, but just listen," for the most part, but again I see "What relationship, our friendship?" I suppose it's not really pressuring her, as would be me saying "Let's talk about our relationship," or anything along those lines, because in your examples, it's her doing all the initiating and clarifying?

 

Okay

 

She is going to talk.

 

Just as Paperchase posted - she is going to say a whole lot of stuff.

I really don't know what all you'll hear. Just be prepared to hear ANYTHING.

 

She will be talking about "us" -- she will be talking about your relationship. She will push for feedback as much as possible. Feedback tells her where you are and what is really going on in your head.

That is why you talking is BAD. It shows her your cards.

 

IF she pushes for your feelings about "us" or the relationship - that is when you can choose to be confused and say "I don't know" as Paperchase suggested or "what relationship are you talking about?" Because technically you have had 2 different relationships.

You have had the relationship where you were together as a couple and the relationship where you were hangig around hoping she'd be yours again (in this one you were more like a girlfriend - allowing yourself to become emasculated at times).

So it is natural that if pressed you would clarify.

 

I don't know where you got the idea there should be no "pressure".

 

To me it isn't pressure but if that is what you want to call it the so be it.

 

You have a list of demands.

 

You are holding your time, attention, and heart for ransom.

You will not hand it over until you get what you want.

 

You won't hand it over for promises because they may be empty.

 

You hand it over in exchange of ACTIONS.

 

Talk is cheap. As paperchase just explained in his situation (sorry you are going through this paper).

 

Talk is an indicator. That is ALL. It is merely an indicator as to where things COULD be going.

 

Actions speak louder than words. ALWAYS.

 

That is why when she DOES make an effort you still must proceed with caution. Talking is the first step - but DO NOT just jump right in.

Do not make it THAT easy.

 

If she wants you back and you make it difficult for her to get you back she will not be so quick to do it again.

And she will be damn sure if she does because she should have a very clear understanding you will be

D O N E. ----- DONE as in there is NO other chance.

 

She will get this idea by having to put some real effort in to getting you back.

And - when you are back together - reminding her that you can choose to not be with her just as easily (But that is a lesson for another time! lol).

[paperchase]

One thing that partially confuses me is the hypothetical chance that I do see her face to face, and this is after I'm sure that what's being said is not just Hansel and Gretal crumbs:

 

I've read that they can't feel pressured to truly miss you, so acting nonchalant and somewhat aloof is the way to go as you just posted, Paper. But Island, is it a form of pressure when you're saying "I want a girlfriend, you don't want that, it seems we have nothing to talk about"? Maybe I'm just misunderstanding, and I apologize if I am. I think your latter post is more clear, island, in that you said "I don't talk, but just listen," for the most part, but again I see "What relationship, our friendship?" I suppose it's not really pressuring her, as would be me saying "Let's talk about our relationship," or anything along those lines, because in your examples, it's her doing all the initiating and clarifying?

 

I know this question wasn't addressed to me but I wanted to chime in because I think my take is a little different. I've given the speech to my ex about I wanted to reconcile, you walked away, I've decided to move on and short of a heartfelt apology and an indication that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get back together, we have little to talk about. I meant it when I said it, but in hindsight it still sent the message that I was willing to work things out. That's why I wouldn't say anything about what I want. You know what you want and she THINKS she knows what you want but that seed of doubt is your friend. You aren't the same groveling guy she left...you can't be him.

 

My current approach as been to not talk about us or what I want at all. My mindset is that I'm just having fun with her, dating others and making sure not to get too caught up emotionally but keeping sight of the fact that things could end at a moment's notice. This approach has been frustrating my ex and is making her want to talk about us, although she's still dancing around the issue a bit. She's asked aloud but rhetorically what are we doing? She's expressed concerns that if we got back together, I'd never trust her and she doesn't believe I'd commit 100% again. The fact is she's thinking about us and she's going to be the one to propose something if anything gets proposed.

 

I've decided I don't even want to give her a set of demands until she asks what is required and then I still might say "I don't know." To me that seems like putting the cart before the horse. By telling them what you want and what's required to get it I believe you are giving them a road map back into your life that's all to easy to follow before they've even said they want to reconcile. You are essentially saying I'm here for the taking. Not the right message and a bit premature in my view. Now if they are working like crazy to win you back to no avail and they start asking what can I do to convince you, that's when you can begin making demands. The demands should be couched in this is what it will take for me to even consider a second chance, not if you do this I'm all yours again. Just my two cents with the disclaimer that I speak from a degree of failed experience.

[Island Girl]

Sorry -- perhaps I wasn't clear.

 

There is no list of demands given or laid out there until you are both on the same page that there will be a "try again".

 

That should only be discussed when you are well on your way in seeing effort on her part.

 

You DO NOT jump in merely because she talks about it. Or even begs for it. You must go really slowly.

 

And when you get to that place where you are moving toward reconciliation just remember you don't have to spell everything out you can lay down the ground rules as you go in the beginning.

[Blah Toolz]

Gotcha, Island. Thank you for clarifying, I had interpreted something wrong, but you describing it as "holding my heart for ransom" elucidated my misconception.

 

And paper, yes you are going about it the right way. Taking it slow and not groveling, pretty much choice words of advice. That is probably the most difficult part for most people, myself included; they let the past, and the history the two have shared come streaming back in, effecting their decisions.

[Blah Toolz]

Well, Day 4 in the bag. She called and texted me a ****load today. 5-6 missed calls, a few texts, and 2 voicemails. The first one was something along the lines of "If you want to be nice, I'm leaving for a week tomorrow, so if you want to be nice give me a call." The second one was fairly angry. "I know you got my last voicemail, it's kind of rude that you're ignoring me. I understand if you don't want to hang out because it's too hard, but it's rude you're ignoring my calls."

 

I didn't cave of course. Island, I see what you mean about everything being about her now. If I hadn't come on here, I'd probably be feeling down, but I'm able to see it with a clear head now.

[BackonTrack2]

your not giving her what she wants so she's going MAD.

 

It will all fade away, just ignore her. She'll get her emotions in check and come see YOU or MOVE on.

 

She won't give up for now.

Couple more weeks/months.

 

Except the calls to continue.

 

PS, she's getting desperate.

 

She doesn't want YOU, aka she doesn't want to have SEX with you but she doesn't want to loose you.....

 

Sounds like she's cheating on you and haven't gotton that "tight" with the new guy. Just my two cents.

[Blah Toolz]

Found a new guy? I'm not sure. She enjoyed her freedom and being single before she met me, so I'm not positive on that -- though seeing as I'm in this situation, I def. could be wrong.

 

Day 5 in the bag. She's on vacation, and called me about 4-5 times. Left a voicemail: "Just seeing what you're up to. Call me when you get this." Left me texts. She said "Can you please answer?" Followed by "This is getting ridiculous, no need for you to ignore me like this." I find myself wanting to answer, and to talk to her... but at the same time, relieved that I haven't. Relieved that the pain is subsiding the more and more I do this.

 

So just to get this straight, answering before I get some form of apology or answering to breadcrumbs is just pointless in any case, right? That is, no point in saying "Well, I'm doing this because such and such, and now I realize that you, etc etc" Nothing like that, right? I need to see more definitive answers like you said. Haha, I know I'm partially answering my own question here, but this is still like a journal of sorts for me, so any feedback is pretty much just cathartic banter for me as well. I'm sure the posts will dwindle a bit as I keep going with this.

[paperchase]

Do not respond. Do not respond. You will be so upset with yourself within minutes after you break the silence. You will set youself back to ground zero. Why respond? What do you hope to gain? What is the upside versus the risk? What are your expectations? What are her motives? These are the questions you should ask. You want to break silence because you hope she says she wants you back. Once she doesn't say this you will be very disappointed and you will have stroked her ego enough that she knows she still has you on the hook. You don't have to say anything in particular, just acknowledging her is ego boost enough. Trust me.

[Island Girl]

Look at what her messages are saying.

 

"There's no need for you to be like this"

 

Well, NO, from her side there may not be.

 

From your side -- YOUR perspective there obviously IS.

 

She still doesn't understand that you are a whole person with your own perspective and feelings and REACTIONS.

 

She is still thinking as the dictator.

 

As if she should be telling you when you have cause to be upset or shut down and when you shouldn't.

 

She is not your girlfriend. She made HER decision.

 

You owe her nothing.

You must do what is best for you.

 

HER FEELINGS DO NOT MATTER.

HER THOUGHTS DO NOT MATTER.

 

In fact you should be dancing with glee that she feels one little tiny taste of the torment you have been feeling this entire time.

 

Remember this whole time it has been about what she thinks and how she feels without any regard to how YOU feel, etc.

 

Make your own wants, needs, emotions, etc. a priority.

[paperchase]

The other thing is that her responses indicate she thinks it's a joke. Like you're a little upset right now but you need to get over it. In this stage the messages are cute and cavalier. Once she realizes that you don't intend to break the silence, her messages will get a bit more desperate. She'll begin to sense that she is losing you.

 

It's like when a little child walks ahead of his parents and looks back and sees them, he's ok. But should he look back and they are not there, he panics. You are creating space and she is losing sight of you. This will require that she make some decisions. She's going to have to step really hard to get your attention by doing more than tossing bread crumbs or move on completely because you have drawn a line in the sand and there is no middle ground.

 

Watching how she responds to NC will be very enlightening. It may cause you to look at her differently, in a less favorable light. Seeing her miss you only when you're gone caused me to think my ex would only seek my love when I presented a challenge. This does not give me a lot of security going forward and if we have a snowball's chance in heck I'm going to have to find some greater assurances that things will last.

 

Watching your ex react to NC may cause you to view her as extremely manipulative. People on here might say you are manipulating by going NC but I disagree. You are doing something to protect yourself which at the same times offers the greatest chance of reconciliation. It forces you to create space which you need and it forces your ex to deal with the space you've created which she will either gladly do or resist against.

[Island Girl]

You are doing something to protect yourself which at the same times offers the greatest chance of reconciliation.

 

Yes, NC is to protect yourself.

 

Being friendly and "hanging out" gave her what she wanted on her terms.

 

But you weren't getting what you wanted. And NOTHING was on your terms.

She pulled all the strings. You just were along for the ride.

Hoping she would suddenly decide that she wanted more.

But why would she decide that? She had all she wanted. And, again, on her terms. HER WAY the whole way.

 

You lost yourself. You became all about what she would do, say, think, etc.

 

NC allows you to get to know YOU again.

It allows you to remember what your wants are from a relationship - ANY relationship.

It allows you to become again the man you once were.

The you as you were when you met her.

 

THAT man she didn't take for granted.

THAT man she invested herself and her time in.

THAT man she respected and didn't feel like she could walk all over.

 

Protecting yourself is in no way manipulative.

Saying you have had enough of being yanked around, used as a stand in whenever she feels like it, and waiting around to see if she will decide you are good enough to commit to.

 

You can not go on as it was.

You can not put your life on hold while she strings you along.

If she doesn't see what she is losing and value it enough to make reparations then she never was going to.

 

So while you get your head together and realize you have allowed her to treat you like a doormat (and no one can respect a doormat) she must come to terms with the fact that you set your OWN parameters of what you want and will deal with.

 

You have waited for her to want reconciliation.

You have waited for her terms - probably saying and thinking you'll do what ever it takes to make that happen.

But a healthy reconciliation means you will also have your own parameters of what that means. You need to define for yourself your own list of demands.

 

Hold your heart for ransom.

You hand it over on your own terms - not hers.

She has shown she can't be trusted with your emtions.

To her your emotions haven't mattered for a while.

 

All of this time it has been about how she is feeling, what she wants, if she is ready.

 

If she comes to you with her heart on her sleeve and wants another try - and THAT is when it is worthwhile to talk to her at any length - then she has to know that you are holding back. That she needs to EARN your trust that she will not make the same mistake twice.

THEN you can tell her that you hear her words but actions speak louder.

[sucker4ya07]

Haha, thanks bro. You guys are helping me immensely, and I appreciate it.

 

It just makes me wonder though; how can someone go from loving me completely to going so cold? Why am I always willing to work things out even when things are bad and I feel like calling it quits too?

 

 

This post brought me back a few years, so I had to respond to it. You asked how someone could go from loving you to being so cold in a short amount of time. I was with someone for 3.5 years, and at the end, it was like someone just flipped a switch in his head and he was done with me. Done Done Done. It drove me absolutely insane. Now...back then I was quite a bit more naive about the do's and don'ts of relationships...it was my first, and I was acting solely on my instincts. I wanted answers, I wanted to know why, how, who?! I begged him for months to talk to me, to just give me closure, to just tell me why. And his response was always the same..."I don't want you in my life anymore"..."What we had meant nothing to me"..etc etc. It made me feel like the last 3.5 years had been a lie, like I didn't know who he was or that everything I thought we had was all in my head. I blamed myself...for everything. I had the state of mind where I just though...I love him, and I want this...no matter how ****ty it is at times. Because when you love someone, you work it out! Well it's been 4 years since then and believe me I am grateful we parted...

 

Anyway...the thing I've come to learn from that whole situation, is this. People deal with things in their own way. What you need at the start, middle, end of a relationship...and what your SO needs, are two totally different things. You are two separate people, who are going to process feelings and emotions differently. In an ideal world...people would just be straight up honest. They would realize that the 'white lies' they tell at the end of a relationship to spare your feelings really just drag you through months of torment. My ex came to me a little over a year ago and said the words I had waited 2 years to hear from him before I finally gave up..."I just want you to know I love you and always will, and I am so sorry for how I handled our breakup." And the funny thing? I waited so long to hear that from him...and when he was finally ready to tell me, I just didn't care anymore.

 

My point is. It's not that your ex doesn't care about you. I don't care who you are, or how cold you may be. If you loved someone, they will always be a part of you. You said you have had a tumultuous relationship with lots of breakups. Maybe your ex is realizing, that even though she loves you deeply...you just aren't a good fit. Like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. You can try and try but you will continue to fail. Maybe, like my ex, she has realized that if you both love each other, the best thing you can do is let go and let each other find happiness with other people. My ex knew that we were over, that we would never work...but he knew that I didn't share his viewpoint. So he decided he couldn't be nice to me...he cut it off, made me feel like he never cared, etc etc...and he forced me to get over him. I still resent him for handling it the way he did, but looking back on it...it was the best thing for the both of us. Now...even if this is where she is at mentally...like I said, she still cares about you. It's hard to let someone go when you care, even when you know it's right....which explains the interest on her part and wanting to have you around. But I think unless you both know you want to work on it together, it's best to cut it off and deal with the pain alone...

[Blah Toolz]

Thanks for the replies all, and thank you island and paper for keeping me on track. It's more difficult when you're in the thick of things, and not able to see things objectively, so I thank you again.

 

Today was a difficult day. She called me during the day, and I held strong. She then sent me pictures of her in a bikini, saying that she was on the beach and getting tanned. Damn. She's good, I'll give her that.

 

She then called me at least 40 times tonight. She left a voicemail that said "After all we've been through, this is such a smack in the face. I'm going to keep calling. You should just change your number because it's at the point that I'm just going to keep calling you! I can understand you not wanting to hang out, or not wanting to talk as much, but this is ridiculous! If I'm calling you this many times, it must be for a reason. I didn't do anything wrong!"

 

Wow. I have a feeling that I'm never going to be able to break no contact. "Calling me this many times for a reason?" Maybe there's a reason I'm having to ignore you this many times. Remember when I said I was willing to do whatever it took to work it out, and you didn't seem to care? There's so many other events and things from the past that I'm remember that are just pissing me off about her now.

[Island Girl]

Good. You should be pissed off.

 

It'll make getting "The Man" back in control of your brain much easier.

 

If there IS a reason, as she says, then she will make sure she tells you what that is.

She will put in a lot more effort than pushing a little button on the phone.

And no, leaving messages doesn't count as more of an effort unless she comes straight out with I want to talk to you - I made a mistake - whatever I did I want to fix it - etc.

And to me she should make that effort in person.

[Blah Toolz]

"If you have any respect for me at all, why wouldn't you call me? I really want to know what's going through your head, and I'd like to know what you're up to. Why are you ignoring my calls? After all we've been through for the past five years, and how many times I've been there for you? And then you shut off your phone? If you really meant all that stuff you said to me, then I don't see why you're doing this." Last message she left me. She's getting angrier.

 

"After 5 ****ing years you're just going to ignore my calls? U can't talk to me for 5 minutes after everything I've done and been there for you?"

 

She's on vacation for another four or five days, so I guess I'll just keep taking it one day at a time. Day 6 done.

[paperchase]

I've heard it all. If you call her right now, she'll have nothing to say. She'll say I just wanted to hear your voice...I dunno...just don't want you mad at me..to hate me. And you'll feel like an idiot for breaking the silence because none of that makes you feel better. Island is right, if she has something important to say, she'll say it in a message, an email a letter but she will say it. All she wants right now is your attention and she's not used to not getting it so she's struggling to cope. Notably, she's saying she did nothing wrong so there's definitely no reason to communicate with her. You know how they say the first step is admitting you have a problem...well, in this scenario, the first step is admitting you made a mistake and until or unless she reaches that conclusion on her own you should have absolutely nothing to talk to her about. Stay strong.

[Blah Toolz]

She wrote me an e-mail today, after not responding to several more of her calls. She left another angry e-mail, saying that this was "beyond ridiculous," and that she was going to to "drive to my house and slap me," because of how rude I was being. WHAT A SWEETHEART! Her texts also varied from angry to: "Please, just call me. 5 minutes." Seems to be a common theme.

 

The e-mail said this: "This is ridiculous, I've sent you blah blah amount of texts and called you hundreds of times. And yet you're ignoring me!? Clearly I've called this many times, I've thought about stuff and just wanted to have a 5 min conversation with you about things. And the fact that ur ignoring me without reason after everything we've been thru is just obnoxious.

 

Be a man and at least let me say my peace. I think you owe me that much after all you've put me thru and after all I've done for you over the years. I watched u get upset and say you loved me and wanted to be with me forever less than a week ago.

 

And now ur gonna ignore me? Just makes me think ur full of **** and ur off ****ing other girls or I don't even know. All I know was I left u a voicemail saying if u had any respect for me at all to call back... And you didn't. And it was the biggest slap in the face. If u really don't have any respect for me at all anymore, I at least deserve to know why."

 

 

Still blaming everything on me. I'm guessing the 5 minute talk she wants to have is nothing to do with anything I'll want to hear. So I guess I'll keep with no contact for at least 5 more days, which is when she gets back from her family vaca. So she said in her mail that she's "thought about stuff." Still not a clear cut reason for me to talk to her, is it? Does that mean she wants to talk about 'us'? Seems to me like she doesn't want to get back with me, just wants to keep tabs on me. Kind of sucks that after five years, that's what /I've/ been relegated to. She left a similar voice mail after the e-mail, saying she wasn't going to stop trying to contact me, I was being childish, and that she has something important to talk about and just wants five minutes. She said when she gets back from vacation, "all hell is going to break loose." LOL.

 

My urges to respond are getting stronger, but I'm realizing that I don't want to even talk to her if she's going to be angry and demanding like this. Day 7 almost done. Right after I posted this, she sent me a text saying: "I can only try to contact you so many times. But please. Honestly. Pleeasee! Can you just call me?" And then "U can't just ignore me! The second I get home I'm just going to drive to your house completely pissed off unless you give me five minutes of your time!" No contact is getting more difficult.

[Island Girl]

"drive to my house and slap me," because of how rude I was being. WHAT A SWEETHEART! Her texts also varied from angry to: "Please, just call me. 5 minutes." Seems to be a common theme.

 

She is trying any tactic right now.

 

That is why her messages are all over the place.

 

She says she is going to drive by and SLAP you!

Not "I hope you are okay. I know you've been hurting and I want to make sure you are alright" -- which would still be manipulation but at least it is VEILED in some kind of caring.

 

The e-mail said this: "This is ridiculous, I've sent you blah blah amount of texts and called you hundreds of times. And yet you're ignoring me!? Clearly I've called this many times, I've thought about stuff and just wanted to have a 5 min conversation with you about things. And the fact that ur ignoring me without reason after everything we've been thru is just obnoxious.

 

Again, ALL ABOUT HER.

 

Be a man and at least let me say my peace. I think you owe me that much after all you've put me thru and after all I've done for you over the years.

 

Let her say her peace. Hmmm.

What could she possibly say that you want to hear right now? If ALL of her messages are any indication it is going to be all about her --- but still not "I am sorry about what I have done, I want to try again because I don't want to lose you".

No. She isn't there.

 

You OWE HER. Because of ALL YOU HAVE PUT HER THROUGH.

Screw what she has put YOU through.

To her that is all justified?!!! Give me a break.

 

You are supposed to contact her so she can "say her peace".

Haven't you heard endlessly about her and her feelings?

More of the same - and how you are supposed to be there for her.

 

She can kick you around and chew up your heart but if you really CARE you'll put up with it and be there.

If you love her then you will put up with anything.

 

F*CK THAT.

 

If she loved YOU she wouldn't abuse your love. She wouldn't manipulate you and continue to have everything all about her.

 

I watched u get upset and say you loved me and wanted to be with me forever less than a week ago.

 

"YEAH, YOU WATCHED ME GET UPSET AND REALLY DIDN'T GIVE A CRAP."

 

She didn't immediately recant or tell you that she wants you to be happy.

It was more "all about her time". GAWD.

 

And now ur gonna ignore me? Just makes me think ur full of **** and ur off ****ing other girls or I don't even know. All I know was I left u a voicemail saying if u had any respect for me at all to call back... And you didn't. And it was the biggest slap in the face. If u really don't have any respect for me at all anymore, I at least deserve to know why."

 

Ahhh. Again: respect for HER, SHE deserves to know why

AND throwing that in about other women!

THAT IS A GOOD SIGN.

That is about her losing you. That is about you finding another.

And she knows if you found someone else you would be UNAVAILABLE to her.

No more crying on your shoulder wheever she needs to -- of course screw you needing HER or having your own wants and desires that should be addressed and important. All about her.

 

Let her stew - do not confirm or deny about any other women. DO NOT.

 

 

Still blaming everything on me. I'm guessing the 5 minute talk she wants to have is nothing to do with anything I'll want to hear. So I guess I'll keep with no contact for at least 5 more days, which is when she gets back from her family vaca.

 

Of course it is all about her.

 

Yes keep up NC. -- You've got to be getting kind of a kick that SHE is the tortured soul right now. Feeling just a taste of what she has put you through.

But even then not because she is just upset she can't use you for whatever she wants right now.

 

 

So she said in her mail that she's "thought about stuff." Still not a clear cut reason for me to talk to her, is it? Does that mean she wants to talk about 'us'? Seems to me like she doesn't want to get back with me, just wants to keep tabs on me. Kind of sucks that after five years, that's what /I've/ been relegated to.

 

Exactly. She wants to know where you are and what you're doing. She wants you back in your place groveling at her feet and providing for her every need while you suffer.

 

 

She left a similar voice mail after the e-mail, saying she wasn't going to stop trying to contact me, I was being childish, and that she has something important to talk about and just wants five minutes. She said when she gets back from vacation, "all hell is going to break loose." LOL.

 

GREAT!!!!

 

So she is going to keep up all of the attention -- (her head is spinning like a top right now) and she is going to confront you in person!!

 

You better stop thinking of contacting her and start getting your head ready for that day.

She is going to show up at your door.

And if you think it is tough to resist NC - imagine her saying all of this crap in person - possibly crying - looking into your eyes, etc.

 

Get yourself strong man! Get yourself prepared.

 

Look at the words she is using -- How it is all about what SHE wants and what you are doing to HER - and how you owe HER -- and how you don't respect HER.

You will be hearing a lot of the same.

Get yourself ready because you HAVE to be strong.

 

My urges to respond are getting stronger, but I'm realizing that I don't want to even talk to her if she's going to be angry and demanding like this. Day 7 almost done.

 

I hope you stay strong since you are seeing what all of this is really about.

And it has had NOTHING to do with you and how you are feeling.

 

Right after I posted this, she sent me a text saying: "I can only try to contact you so many times. But please. Honestly. Pleeasee! Can you just call me?" And then "U can't just ignore me! The second I get home I'm just going to drive to your house completely pissed off unless you give me five minutes of your time!" No contact is getting more difficult.

 

So first text was at least seemingly nice and rational.

Then BOOM

Right back to over the top crazy and demanding to the point of trying ultimatums.

 

BTW you want her to show up in person -- so the fact she gave you a contact me or I will drive over there sets it in stone. No contact.

 

OH! And notice how she said "drive to your house completely pissed off" -- because you are supposed to be worried if she is mad...? You are supposed to be nervous if she is going to show up angry?

Or is it that it is YOUR JOB to keep her happy no matter what -

even if you aren't together and you are completely miserable.

[Blah Toolz]

So yesterday, after a copious amount of texts, calls, voicemails, and some very personal things said... she left me another voicemail today.

 

"Don't worry, this is going to be my last call, and my last voicemail. I've never been so disgusted with a human being to ignore me for this long. When I get home, I'm going to drive to your house to get my CDs, drop off your ****, and slap you in the face."

 

So pretty much, I'm ****ed if I do NC, and I'm ****ed if I don't. I just want to fast forward 6 months or something into the future.

[CapitalChick]

She sounds crazy..difficult, controlling and down right crazy.

 

Part of me thinks you should just txt back and say something along the lines of " LEAVE ME ALONE WOMAN!" lol

Unless u want to keep the door open for her to return one day..

in that case, perhaps text and tell her that you need space..although Im guessing this too will annoy her as it will mean that you are calling the shots!

[paperchase]

So yesterday, after a copious amount of texts, calls, voicemails, and some very personal things said... she left me another voicemail today.

 

"Don't worry, this is going to be my last call, and my last voicemail. I've never been so disgusted with a human being to ignore me for this long. When I get home, I'm going to drive to your house to get my CDs, drop off your ****, and slap you in the face."

 

So pretty much, I'm ****ed if I do NC, and I'm ****ed if I don't. I just want to fast forward 6 months or something into the future.

 

She's mad? That's the wrong emotion. She doesn't get it yet. She will. If she brings your things DO NOT greet her. She's just wants the opportunity to be heard and you don't want to hear what she has to say...not now, possibly not ever. Her anger reminds me of my ex who was quick to hit me or throw things when that little light switch went off in her head. If she continues not to get it, in time you might want to write her something brief to explain along the lines of you left me, I wanted to work things out, you chose to walk away, I've chosen to move on and unless you come beating down my door with a heartfelt apology and a convincing expression of a desire to do whatever it takes to work things out we have nothing more to say to each other. Even then, I'm just not sure.