5 Years and it's so difficult, tell me what you think

[Island Girl]

"Don't worry, this is going to be my last call, and my last voicemail. I've never been so disgusted with a human being to ignore me for this long. When I get home, I'm going to drive to your house to get my CDs, drop off your ****, and slap you in the face."

 

So still NO concern for how you are feeling.

 

Still NO acknowledgment of the time and effort you have spent taking care of her needs over the years --- even at the sacrifice of your own desires and happiness.

 

I am sorry but you really have to look at who she is.

Because she is painting a pretty horrible portrait right now.

 

Do not make the mistake of confusing her past self - or who you saw in the beginning - with who she is RIGHT NOW.

 

Do not focus on the dream. Focus on the reality.

 

In reality she has been this person for a while now. You just excused it away and hoped that other girl would come back again.

 

She may. It may be a while though. She certainly has some growing up to do.

She holds little respect for you or your feelings.

She has sent message upon message which flip from one tactic to another -- that just shows you she is leaving them to achieve one goal - get you to respond. It doesn't matter if she is verbally abusive, flip-flopping, or mind f***ing you in the process.

AGAIN, YOU don't matter. YOUR feelings don't matter.

 

She is the only one she is thinking about.

She wants you to respond out of pure selfishness - not caring.

 

If this is how she is going to remain then she was already there -- in this spot mentally -- and nothing you would have done would have fixed it.

 

If she is going to pull her head out of where it is so conveniently shoved - it will be her own effort that gets it out. It has to be.

 

And all you can do is get yourself straightened out.

Unwrap yourself from that sick and twisted game.

Get a handle on what you expect and deserve from ANY relationship.

 

And DO NOT Settle for less from her or anyone.

[Blah Toolz]

I guess deep down inside, I was hoping that the no contact would bring her back to a state of reconciliation, or at least apology, paper, like your girl did. But I can see now that this was only delusional, wishful thinking.

 

She's not the same girl, like you said, island. And I think that's what hurts more than anything. That she thinks she can talk to me like this and I'll just ****ing take it like some clueless dope. I'm actually thinking of writing her an e-mail or Facebook message similar to what you said, paper. I don't really want her showing up at my house. I just really don't want to deal with her at all at this point.

 

What do you guys think?

[Island Girl]

That she thinks she can talk to me like this and I'll just ****ing take it like some clueless dope.

 

Worse than that she thinks by berating you, threatening you, and treating you like crap you'll actually come running.

 

She is showing you how little she respects you and how far gone she is.

 

As much as it sucks, it is better to truly know rather than just go on and on being used by her while you get nothing you want or deserve.

And the fact that she is perfectly happy with that kind of arrangement speaks to how much she considers you and your feelings.

 

Just like her calls and messages. It is all about her.

 

I'm actually thinking of writing her an e-mail or Facebook message similar to what you said, paper. I don't really want her showing up at my house. I just really don't want to deal with her at all at this point.

 

If you can say that when confronted it'd be better.

 

But if you feel like sending a message then do what you feel.

Just be aware that simply sending a message isn't going to avoid a confrontation. It'll just explain you position beforehand and give her a chance to try to figure out how to overcome that when she does come and see you.

You'll see her change her tactic - and all of this venom will be put aside while she plays your heart strings.

Probably tears and pleadings including professions of how much she cares (but no real apology or actions showing that).

[Blah Toolz]

Well, just going to update briefly, since I've seen some great advice in this thread, and hopefully lurkers, and other individuals have benefited from it as much as I have.

 

I regret to say, after seeing her again last night, and after we slept together, and spent the next day together today, I am pretty much back to square one.

 

She said a lot of things when she was away from me on vacation, and when I was initiating NC. She called me forty times in one night. She said some really personal things that really, really were hard to ignore, about something that we may have had to dealt with.

 

She said she was sorry, that she was wrong for breaking up with me, and wanted to go to counseling. This was probably a week and a half ago. And now... she has changed her mind already, seemingly. She's still extremely jealous, even thinking that simple posts on my Facebook pages mean I may be fooling around with a new girl, even though it was nothing.

 

Today, she said "everything would be alright if you just didn't fool around with that girl," when she had broken up with me. She wanted to sit down and look at old pictures of us together. I don't understand what her motive was then. She wanted to say what her favorite was, and go over them together. Like I said, we slept together the night before. We're still extremely attracted to each other, obviously. But she still doesn't want to be together, so I told her I was just going to disappear, let her decide what she wanted, and that I wasn't going to be strung along.

 

She said she knows what she wants, and that's me. But she's not ready to be with me now because I hurt her too badly by fooling around with that other girl when she broke up with me. Just more manipulation to keep me around?

 

But overall, just have to go back to NC. I'm sick of being strung along, and told that we'll work on things, and then she changes her mind on a whim. Not that fun. So... take from that what you will. I'm done trying to analyze actions, words, or implications.

[BackonTrack2]

Hello, I can help on this one.

 

Its over for you and the relationship. The ex doesn't care about you, she is searching for your replacement. You will continue to be strung along until she meets and builds (if not already doing so) emotional bonds with someone else that she had with you.

 

She is looking for ANY reason to not be with you, in this case "the girl you had a date with", it will ALWAYS be a reason for you to not be together. She is trying to justify breaking up with you to herself because she doesn't want to tell you the truth.

 

You can only get HURT from this point out. There is no saving this. Its gone. She doesn't love you. At this point she is USING you. Weather it be for SEX, support, money, whatever, there is something you still give her, that she hasn't found yet.

 

You can only get HURT from this point out, the thing(s) she says and does from this date out 4.29.09 will be the thing(s) that cause you the most pain and emotional scars. It's already happening [see your above post for example].... You have to maintain NC for a few months and detox.

 

Good Luck

[Blah Toolz]

Haha. I have to say, women are extremely good at using you and making it seem like they care. Some of the things we did last night and then today, made me feel like we were heading back together.

 

I don't know why, but I feel as if she does still care. That she still loves me. But it's just not the same, like you have all helped me realize. NC it is. Again. This time, I won't fall for anything short of her begging and saying she wants to work things out. Oh wait, she already did that. Haha, so this is the difficult part then. Doing NC and really trying to move on, for reals.

[paperchase]

Man our cases are similar. You fell for the banana in the tailpipe. It happened to me too. I broke NC when she kept begging and leaving me messages of sorry which finally became offerings of sex. We had 3 splendid days together. On the first day she apologized and said she wanted me back. She talked about having babies one day and even got on one knee and semi proposed.

 

I told her to be taken seriously she had to dump her new b/f and agree to counseling. She began hedging the second day and by the 3rd day she said she needed time to cut it off. Said she didn't love him but didn't want to hurt him, etc. Then all heck broke loose between us.

 

Anyway, how you play your cards now is huge. If you want to move on, then you know what to do. But now that you've broken NC, it's a little harder to go back unless something happens that really warrants it. NC looses effectiveness and seems like a game when you go to the well too often. I think at this point instead of going NC, you have to act like you don't care. Better yet: don't care. You need to go out and date. You need to stay busy. If you do have sex, you needn't dwell on it. Take a vaca and don't even mention it to her. And don't ask her ever again about where things are going or the status of your relationship. Make her wonder. Let her raise this issue. In your mind things are great. You're getting sex and getting the chance to meet new people.

 

Now I can't say if your ex is looking for your replacement. She may be. My philosophy is 9 times out of 10 when you get dumped they already have a replacement. Who trades in their old car before selecting a new one. That stuff about needing to work on myself or needing time, or it's not me it's you, etc. It's all mostly BS. If you could see the truth it's usually very simple. So if she's torn over what to do she may be torn over the other guy she's currently dating.

 

In the event she is trying to string you along to find a replacement, then wean yourself off her the same way. Get what you can but actively look for the next woman in your life who hopefully will give you what you need. I wish I had done this when I first broke up with my ex. We kept seeing each other and having relations but she was not making me a priority. I tried and tried to figure out what happened and rekindle the magic but I couldn't. I spend months chasing my tail while she was chasing new tail. I didn't recognize the handwriting on the wall and she got a head start in getting over me so I was devastated when I found out she had really moved on. Blindsided. I had ample opportunity to soften the blow had I approached things differently. And honestly had a not chased her, I don't think she would have ever left. I empowered her with all that attention and really reduced my value in her eyes.

 

Anyway, things have come full circle between us for now but I'll be darned if I don't learn from my mistakes and share them with others.

 

By the way, jealousy is strange. Even after my ex dumped me she was very jealous and that jealousy in the face of NC actually made her manipulate herself back into my life the first time. The problem is that jealousy was not enough to make her want me back, just enough to make her not want me to go...hence, she led me on for selfish reasons.

 

You're in a precarious position right now and the most sound advice is move on, but if that's not what you want I definitely wouldn't say things are over between you and her.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Oh wait two more things. Don't tell her you'll wait or the ball's in her court. She knows that. Don't tell her anything, just do you and let her wonder. Don't initate phone calls and make her leave you a message sometimes. Don't be available for late night phone calls when you know she's just checking to see if you're alone.

 

Second thing to keep in minds is the only reason I say don't do NC is because you've made some progress and I'm assuming you're strong enough to deal with her games. If you're not, then go NC and protect yourself. I believe you go NC when the circumstances warrant it. When you can't deal with the BS anymore. For example, if you find out she's been lying and has a new man, then go NC and stay there. But going NC after sex because she's waffling is almost like giving her an ultimatum. I just don't think it will bring her closer to you if that's what you want.

 

 

 

I don't know if any of this is making sense...having a tough day at the office.

[Blah Toolz]

She called me this morning asking for directions to some place, even though I'm damn well sure she could have found it herself.

 

I had to ignore it, man. PC, I wish I could just get the best of both worlds, that is dating others, and having sex with her... but it's so difficult to ignore my feelings. I know that in the end, it's not working right now... but I still love her more than I could tell you.

 

Could I wean myself off her like you said? I seriously doubt it. I'm still attracted to her, she's attracted to me, and when I'm around her, I get butterflies sometimes like I used to. I just feel too weak around her right now, bro. I could probably hang out with her, fool around with occasionally... I guess I could do that. But deep down, I would still be hoping to get back with her. She talked about counseling over her vacation, but she hasn't brought it up since we started talking again. I wonder if it was just a ploy to get me to talk to her again. I would go to counseling with her though, if I thought it would help us at all.

 

In terms of spending time with her now, to relive some of our memories, and to feel that connection that I do with her. I could do that, and risk falling flat on my face and getting torn to shreds and being back at square one again. I don't know what to do... but I do know that NC made me feel better before. Like you said, it's tough to go back into it. Was I really making headway though? Where's Island Girl when you need her? ;D

 

Like you're saying PC, you think we made some headway... but someone else might say, "She's using you." I don't think she has someone else yet. I am fairly positive. But if that day comes, it'll **** with me. So on the one hand, you say just to play it cool, and things may get better... but in commensurate proportion, the other side says "She's using you, just keeping you around, using you for sex, etc." Our sex is great, but would she really be using me for it? No connection at all between us? I am thinking of bringing up the counseling thing to her again, but I'm not sure.

[Blah Toolz]

I woke up this morning, and for some reason... many facets of this whole situation lit up for me, elucidating exactly how it is that I feel.

 

Why would I pine, and wallow, and blubber around like a wounded little puppy for someone that doesn't really want to try to make this work? Someone that cares only for her own feelings?

 

**** it. She probably does have some other guy to comfort her. She's lied to me before, what makes me think that she's not lying to me now? Alot of the signs are there, but I won't even get into them now. I'm done being strung along, and I'm done wracking my brain over someone that thinks they can keep me on the backburner after all this time, and after everything I've given.

 

If your SO really loves you, it wouldn't be this much of a headache. So **** you, kindly **** yourself, this kid's moving on!

 

I don't want gray hairs thinking about, "Wahh, what if I did this, then she'd really want me back." No, **** that. There's someone that will realize that I'm worth more than being broken up with every 2 goddamn months.

 

Haha, sorry for the rant. Had to get that off my chest. This is day 2 of the new NC. Her birthday is in about 20 days. She expressed some lament when I told her "Happy Birthday" in advance the other day. She said "You better talk to me on my birthday!" But... things seem so clear now. I'm not with her anymore! She ran away from our relationship. I don't owe her a happy birthday, a party blower, a candle, a sack of ****, nothing. Haha.

[paperchase]

I like your spirit, but I just want you to know that your feelings will vacilate quite a bit. I've been there. I've drawn the line in the sand and then wished I could erase it. I've erased it and then drawn it back again.

 

It's admirable that you recognize you're not strong enough to have a relationship with your ex short of what you really want. I didn't accept that fact and when my ex and I had our first semi-reconcilliation I was simply not able to deal. She said all the right things like your ex but when things didn't go at the speed I wanted them, my impatience and despearation got the best of me. Women sense this and it's not attractive. Needless to say, that second chance was short lived.

 

It's done now but I wouldn't have even said early happy b-day. You'll see a lot of posts on here with people asking how to handle this day in the midst of NC. You ignore it and, frankly, it sends a powerful message. I ignored my ex's b-day while doing NC and have no regrets. By acknowledging it, now when you don't text it sends a slightly different message. A message that says I know it's your b-day and true to my word I'm not calling you. Not quite the indifference you want to convey.

 

You need NC right now and you don't need to explain your reasons. You need it until you are fully over her or at least until you can manage your emotions enough to fake it till you make it.

[nopainnogain]

i dont know man. I mean really ,we will never understand woman. every situation is different. But i do know this now after many relationships and many partners being unfaithful. Is i really dont give a crap anymore about relationships. Im done pursuing. Dont get me wrong ,if a girl pursues me im all for it. But once things begin to turn onesided(ex... one partner always putting in more effort than the other) I AM OUT! I have found internal happiness and nikolai tesla is proof.