julio2 Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Hi, First time poster, but have used the site a few years ago when I was breaking up with an ex. Here's my situation, I've been with my fiance for 4 years, and we are suppose to get married later this fall. Wedding planning has been very stressful, as she wants to have the perfect wedding. I've been by her side and supportive when needed. She does most of the things on her own, so I feel that she's been taking it out on me. Lately, we've been fighting about trivial things, but it's been blowing up out of proportion. We both decided to take a break after our last fight. Part of me believes it's the stress of planning a wedding, work, and each of us neglecting our relationship. I have been having a few doubts as our fighting seems to be getting worse. She doesn't treat me like how I want to be treated - she's been mean and unkind. I have also felt resentment. Sex - every few months - says its the pill and we know it's a problem in our relationship. It hurts to be sexually rejected, and it's difficult to talk to my friends about it (for obvious reasons). I haven't really expressed this to her as it makes me feel less of a man. There are many issues that we have that we have ignored. I know she's angry with me and I was mad with her. We've had a bad month or two, but I don't want to throw away our relationship. There's gonna be sunshine and rain during every relationship. She is my best friend and I do love her (somtimes it's difficult). I'm willing to try and get the passion back. I've been reading in other posts, that there comes a make or break time and you've gotta both be willing to work it out. During our break, I need to figure out if I need her in my life or can live wo her. Anything else you can think of that I should think about? We did take a break before and it worked for us. I also know that we need to address and work out our issues. I'm sure it's quite a list, but something I'm open to pre-marriage therapy. I know it won't solve all of our problems, or do you think I need individual? Is there something wrong in our relationship if we need this when we're not married yet? Also, I'm sometimes scared to get married, because I know the divorce rates and the amount of times we fight. What do you guys think? Thanks in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 IMO, pre-marriage counseling is not just for people with serious problems. And it doesn't indicate doom and gloom for your future if you do it now. I think it's a wise choice so that you two get a chance to voice your concerns. It's also a good time to have a 3rd-party mediator there to help you learn to communicate with each other better. It's possible you've been avoiding issues because you don't know how to discuss them constructively. A counselor can help you with that. I think it's a great idea! I would never go into another marriage without it. Link to post Share on other sites
DNU1 Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Sorry you are having troubles. Look up a book called "his needs her needs" by a Dr. Harley. Talks about our core emotional needs, one of which for you might be sexual fulfillment. Harley has a site called Marriage Builders. Great information on relationships and whatnot. Have a peek. Could be very beneficial to your relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
kimba75 Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Wait, did you say you only have sex once every few months? If I read this right, then you've got a big problem. I believe sex is a gauge of how the relationship is going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author julio2 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Thank you all for your postings.... I agree that pre-marital counseling might help our communication. I found out that some companies reimburse their employees (in case anyone is in my shoes). I also did check out His needs, Her needs from reading other posts in this forum and I went and bought 2 copies of it. Yes, not having sex so often does hurt. We read 5 love languages in the past and her love language is acts of service. We did talk about it, and she did say when we are married that she would feel more comfortable about doing it more. I hope she wasn't just saying that to hide the issue. I know that couples go through up's and downs... one thing that concerns me is that when we do get married, we won't be able to take breaks.. We'll need to learn how to work it out... Question - how do you know if she's the one? i know alot of ppl say you just know... i have my doubts which contradicts the last statement, but currently I still want to marry her if we can resolve our issues together... would I also be fair in saying being engaged isn't all lovey dovey? Link to post Share on other sites
Scottdmw Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I can definitely sympathize with the difficult engagement, I had one too and we ended up not getting married after all. I do think that some couples counseling might be helpful to help you work out your problems. I can tell you from personal experience that, as someone who believes in waiting for marriage for sex, I sometimes felt like my fiancé wanted more sexually from me then I was comfortable giving before marriage. I told her that I would be more comfortable after marriage. So, in your case it is certainly possible I think that your fiancé is telling you the truth there, and not using it as an excuse. One more possibility to consider, although you'll have to decide for yourself if you want to put any credence in it. There have been recent studies that show that when a woman goes on the birth control pill it may actually change which men she's attracted to. Here's a link: http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=birth-control-pills-affect-womens-taste When exactly did your fiancée go on the pill? Scott Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 If she is like this now she will be ten times worse after the wedding. It is not too late to dodge this bullet. Under no circumstances should you marry her. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 if you think this is bad, just wait until you have kids... Link to post Share on other sites
Author julio2 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 Hi, I have a situation that I don't know how to feel and would like some input. My fiance and I met up for the talk. I noticed she wasn't wearing my ring. She said she didn't believe that we should get married. A little history, she is a big pessimistic - always thinks the worse will happen. I on the other hand, try stay positive and optomistic. So I kinda prepared myself in case for the worse, and I highlighted that we do have issues we just never worked on them. We didn't know how to communicate but I would like to turn this weakness into a strength. She said it was too late. I then suggested MC and reading the book His Needs, Her Needs. She said, what's the point? She effed it by not wearing the ring - which means she didn't believe in us. She believes that I will resent her for taking it off. She was crying as I was trying to reassure her that it would be possible for a chance to work it out. We started talking about some of the issues we've been having and it really helped! However, then she started talking about how we won't change as ppl and that's who we are. She also said that she's scared that things won't change between us and that we'll fight again. Her biggest complaint was the amount that we're fighting and how we are. I agree with her 100%, I believe that we can learn from it and be better communicators so that we're not fighting. I'm not sure what to think, I really want to make things work. Could there be someone else? I don't believe so but I've read what happens to alot of ppl in the forums which scares me. However, upon thinking, her not believing in us is kinda hurtful. At the end of the night, she asked for one more week to think things through. She was crying as she was saying sorry that she didn't believe in us and that I will resent her. I don't know how to feel about that. I understand that she's a negative person, but is taking the ring off symbolic to it's over? Her claim was that the ring symoblized everything was great between us when it really wasn't, so that's why she took it off. This has opened up another issue for me, and that is what will she do when the hard times come - will she run away? I want someone that will fight for us. Upon leaving, she did say she would start reading the book and we briefly talked about MC. I can live with her taking off the ring, but I'll need reassurance that she'll be there by my side. So what do you guys think? I love her and want to work on our issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Sex - every few months - says its the pill and we know it's a problem in our relationship. She said she didn't believe that we should get married. Perhaps the real issue isn't her pessimism but your inability to face reality ??? At this point, she seems more willing to face the tough realization that marriage isn't the right thing for the two of you. And the answer to your original question is no, engagement and marriage aren't supposed to be that difficult. Time to move on... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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