Lady_J Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 So judging by my thread title, i'm confused. I first found this forum several months ago looking for input/advice about this guy. I'm back, same guy. Back then I was trying to figure out IF he liked me and what to do since he had to leave the country. Well its been 6 months he's been gone, i've sent him the care packages he asked for, I have kept up an email relationship with him but not IM. We tried the IM thing for a while but I kept sticking my foot in my mouth and having to explain what I meant way too much so I was like ok dude, just lets stick to email. Mind you at this point he has not heard from me that I'm into him, he's under the impression we are just friends. To further complicate the issue on more than one occasion I felt it necessary to chime in that I only saw him as a friend. This was probably not a great idea but it was defense maneuver I tried when I noticed how he reacted to other women telling him that they wanted to date him, he'd avoid contact with them like the plague. Leading me to believe he didn't like aggressive women. I thought that if I put it out there, he would pull away from me and I also figured that the vibe was kinda mutual based on the flirts he was sending my way and that he would eventually let it out. Well that's not what happened. I got so wrapped up in it that I couldn't take it anymore and had to tell him. I sent him an email let him know that I was into him...I didn't ask him how he felt, I kept it all about me, and that I was interested in being sure he could be friends with me knowing I had a thing for him. Honestly, he's a great guy and I do want him in my life, even if its just a friend thing. So this email I send him coincides with a trip home (here) for a couple of weeks. He replies to me that he values our friendship, but has no romantic feelings for me. Then he proceeds to tell me how wonderful, special, and yes beautiful I am. Oh and how brave it was for me to speak up. Right. So anyway, getting that from him was hard, but necessary, i'm doing what I do to move forward....until my phone rings today. Its him. He's still home, wants to know what i'm doing, couldn't wait to hear my voice and is glad we get to talk. Among other things said, he drops his normal flirtations. What the hell? I thought this was settled already?? Do guys just do this? Am I being way to analytical here? I'm still sure he was sending the vibes before, not just now. So what do I believe? I have to believe his words, but these actions not matching! A little advice here will go a long way thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
sjml251 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Well, Lady J, I'm sorry to say this but I think he's made it clear that he just wants to be friends right now. Obviously, he really likes hanging out with you and having you in his life but based on your posting, it doesn't seem like he has romantic feelings for you. Also, the fact that he has stopped being flirtatious seems to be him honoring the fact that he recognizes you have feelings for him and, as a good friend would, doesn't want to lead you on. Let me just say that I greatly respect your bravery in being honest with him as well as the fact that he values your friendship so much that he was equally honest with you. Don't worry - sometimes having a great friend is way better than having a boyfriend anyway......I've found that boyfriends seem to come and go while the great guys friends end up being part of my life always. But just to be sure I totally understand the situation - which actions of his, exactly, have you confused? Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 So you've told him you only see him as friends then you reverse your stance and tell him you are into him and now you only want to be friends again? I think he does indeed value you as a friend and was glad to hear your voice, as a friend. Maybe there is something else going on. It's hard to say. Even after re-reading your post, I'm confused. Regardless, doing the whole feelings bit over email or chat isn't always the best way to go. It's a good way to start sometimes, but you always have to finish in person. The best way is in person. In person you can judge the person's actions, mood, etc. Over email, it's easy to ponder your response. In person you have to react quickly instead of being able to think about what you are saying. I think if you want to get to the root of what he is thinking, you need to talk to him in person before he leaves. You've got to believe a person's actions. Words are just words. I can say I'm the most loyal friend you'll ever know but anytime you need me I'm always "busy." So what do you believe? My words or my actions? You know the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady_J Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Also, the fact that he has stopped being flirtatious seems to be him honoring the fact that he recognizes you have feelings for him and, as a good friend would, doesn't want to lead you on. No i'm saying he's as flirtatious as ever! I just actually got back from seeing him...ask me why bcz I think I need my head examined and it was the same in person he's making me tear out my hair! We go to an ice cream shoppe, he has his hand round my waist while we wait in line. Sticks his spoon in my ice cream cup...gives me that deadlocked green eyed stare until I can't feel my knees then drops me a wink! Cheeky bastard. WTRanger Yea that's pretty much what happened. I'm not sure if its worse now that he knows I'm digging him or if its worse because I know I told him or ACK!!!! I agree that it would be easier in person, but I didn't really have a choice with him being out of the country. I also think I might drop into a dead faint if I had to say it out loud in person. I'm just not getting him Ok I really really really want this guy and it was all I could do tonight to keep from dropping a big fat kiss on him if for no other reason than to ease my frustration with his mouth saying no and his body saying yes. He'll be here only a few more days before he goes back out of country for the next 6 months. Freaking infuriating! Is this the way men act? I would be ok thinking he just couldn't make that step right now. I am NOT ok with him saying he's not into me but acting like he is. I was thinking, when I told him how I felt, the man hadn't seen me in 6 months. Would be hard for a guy to hold a sexual attraction that long no? I dunno i'm back to ready to choke him! Thanks for helping me I am feeling pretty frustrated right now! I also get the feeling he's a little bit of a player....however, i'm pretty sure that nowhere in the players handbook is turning DOWN an available woman who is clearly into you. Ordinarily i'd just move on....this guy...not quite able to turn the page. He's got me. Link to post Share on other sites
sjml251 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 OK, that makes sense - now I understand why you are so confused! He is a tough read......sounds like he's also pretty confused about what he wants with you. Seems kind of evil that a person would be so super-flirty with you when they know you are into them, if they, in turn, are not into you. That being said, he's probably not evil - he probably is into you on some levels. Of course, him being out of the country makes any kind of functional romantic relationship practically impossible so maybe that has something to do with why he isn't interested in a relationship with you right now. May grandma always had a saying that if you were ever confused when it came to men, just turn down the volume......translation - ignore the words, pay attention to the actions. This advice has been helpful to me - maybe it could be helpful to you - maybe you should just give him a big fat kiss and see what happens. Guys seem so confused in general about what they want that it probably wouldn't hurt anything to try - besides, he's giving you all the signs that he's at least attracted to you - I would be freaking out too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady_J Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 What you are saying makes total sense. I have thought out so many possibilities here.... We are different races AND religions...not sure how important either of those things are to him. For me both are kinda heavy, but I like him so much i'm willing to be flexible. The whole out of the country thing, I think could have some to do with it as well. He doesn't seem to be emotionally available to ANY females right now, other than his sister. The only female that I know he contacts, is her and me. Whether or not this is a plus on the he likes me scale or not is something I can't determine. If any of the above are truly what's going on with him, i'd think he would say he was not interested in me romantically right now...leaving the door open for something later. That's not what he said he just not romantically period. Or am I wrong about that? Turning down the volume and just watching his actions, could well leave me in a psych unit somewhere...there is all this electricity when we are together...BAH i'm having drinks with him (non alcoholic) Monday night, I swear i'm just going to kiss him if he starts up again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady_J Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Hey Lady J, Sorry to break it to you, but from my perspective, the guy is not interested in you. After revealing that you're really into him, he's now only going to take the bait so he can sleep with you. If he never had initial affectionate feelings toward you, it isn't going to grow overnight. Haha that's funny. No really. In the first place I think we are both too old for that kind of game playing. Second place he knows i'm celibate. I actually agree with your last sentence. I just don't happen to think his feelings are as benign as he says. Link to post Share on other sites
sjml251 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Lady_J, how did everything go Monday night? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady_J Posted April 16, 2009 Author Share Posted April 16, 2009 Lady_J, how did everything go Monday night? Well. I still have no clue and as of right now he is on the plane back out of the country. We had drinks and the conversation was very strained. There was alot of silence. Pretty awkward evening and very hard to read him still. He's admitted to me that he's shy and if you combine that with me making this huge confession, neither one of us said a lot of anything. He tried to joke and normally it would have been hysterical but it was like everything just fell flat. Except...and here's where it gets confused all over again, we danced. Started dancing to a fast song, music changed to a slow one and we stayed for it. Initially it was dancing at the proper distance but the gap closed to nothing by the end of the song and my head was on his chest his arms around my waist. Song over I get a kiss on my hand. I loved it but doesn't tell me any more than I already knew Link to post Share on other sites
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