Inspector71 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 My husband and I separated about a year ago. In December, during one of my trips to visit him (we've been trying to reconcile the whole time), I found out that he had been renting porn while we were separated. One time, he even rented it everyday for a week. I was devastated. Our sex life had been a problem in our marriage- my drive was a lot higher than his. When I found out that he wouldn't have sex with me everyday, but then when I was gone, rented porn frequently and at one point everyday...well, I was devastated. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he didn't know it would hurt me. He said he wouldn't do it anymore. According to the cable bills (which I access online), he hasn't. I believe him when he says that he hasn't watched porn since I told him that it hurt me. The problem is that I can't seem to get over it. I saw him this past week for the first time since I found out about the porn. I was surprised about how hard it was to be intimate with him. The second night of our trip, I told him that I would need extra affection in order to feel secure. He was immediately angry that I brought up the porn again. He still refuses to apologize, because he says that it wasn't a mistake. What he did wasn't wrong- it's only wrong that it hurt me, and he won't do it again because he doesn't want to hurt me. Part of me knows this should be good enough- he won't do it again. But a big, nagging part of me wants an apology and for him to admit he made a mistake, and then to make it up to me by showing me an inceased amount of love and support (which he says is asking too much because he's too introverted). I really want our marriage to work, and we've worked through so many other issues. If anyone has any advice- please, help me. How do I get past this? Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Wow, poor guy. Your sex life while you were together is an issue that needs to be addressed. Him masturbating to porn while you're separated is and should be clearly defined as unrelated to the first issue. I could have sex every day with Jessica Alba and I'd still use porn... it's unrelated to my sex life. I personally think porn is fine. I advise you to get counseling for your issue, or leave him. Why try to change him? Why do your insecurities take precedence over his needs? Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Wow, poor guy. Your sex life while you were together is an issue that needs to be addressed. Him masturbating to porn while you're separated is and should be clearly defined as unrelated to the first issue. I could have sex every day with Jessica Alba and I'd still use porn... it's unrelated to my sex life. I personally think porn is fine. I advise you to get counseling for your issue, or leave him. Why try to change him? Why do your insecurities take precedence over his needs? Let's see, he has a low sex drive while they're together and isn't interested in having sex with OP, the minute they are apart he's rubbing himself raw on a daily basis? I'd say she's got good reason to feel insecure, she needs a divorce lawyer and a new man in that order. OP a man who won't have sex with you but who will jerk his gerkin on a daily basis to porn doesn't have a problem with his sexual drive, he's plenty interested in sex... just not with you. Trust me,this doesn't get any better over time, get out while the getting is good. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Let's see, he has a low sex drive while they're together and isn't interested in having sex with OP, the minute they are apart he's rubbing himself raw on a daily basis? I'd say she's got good reason to feel insecure, she needs a divorce lawyer and a new man in that order. OP a man who won't have sex with you but who will jerk his gerkin on a daily basis to porn doesn't have a problem with his sexual drive, he's plenty interested in sex... just not with you. Trust me,this doesn't get any better over time, get out while the getting is good. I completely disagree. First, all guys beat off on occassion. And, men are visual, hence the porn. But, what is really , really significant is the fact that he stopped when he saw it hurt you. You cannot ask for more than that. What he was doing was not wrong, IMO. You guys need to communicate and he has shown you he is willing to address this with you by stopping. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 I completely disagree. First, all guys beat off on occassion. And, men are visual, hence the porn. But, what is really , really significant is the fact that he stopped when he saw it hurt you. You cannot ask for more than that. What he was doing was not wrong, IMO. You guys need to communicate and he has shown you he is willing to address this with you by stopping. You seem to be skipping over the part about how when they are together he isn't interested in having sex with her. He's interested in sex all right, he's just not interested in having any with the OP and sorry but that doesn't get better over time, it just gets even worse. The OP hasn't done anything wrong in wanting to be in a marriage where she's desired sexually, he's let her know very clearly that he's plenty interested in sex... just not with her. Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 IMO, if you can't get over it like you say, then you need to just leave him so he can beat off to porn whenever he wants, so its no longer an issue for either one of you. I have a feeling no matter how much he might say he is sorry or whatever, everytime you all go to be intimate, the porn is going creep back up in your mind, causing the issue to surface again. Even if your sex life wasn't great before, it probably wont be any better for sure now as long as you hold onto the thought of him and the porn. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 IMO, if you can't get over it like you say, then you need to just leave him so he can beat off to porn whenever he wants, so its no longer an issue for either one of you. I have a feeling no matter how much he might say he is sorry or whatever, everytime you all go to be intimate, the porn is going creep back up in your mind, causing the issue to surface again. Even if your sex life wasn't great before, it probably wont be any better for sure now as long as you hold onto the thought of him and the porn. Yeah it's kind of difficult to get in the mood when you think back to all the days,weeks,months or even years when you laid there sexually frustrated, damned to living the celibate life by a porn loving partner. Telling a spouse you've got a low sex drive, rejecting them sexually, then beating off to porn every chance you get? He should have just punched her in the face, it would have probably hurt a whole lot less. I've been there, it is so painful words cannot describe the feeling well enough. Oh and once into it, very few "give up" porn, they might try to hide it better but they don't give it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 ITT: Women that can't separate sex from masturbation. In other news... the OP mentioned in another thread that she's 25 and he's 59. If she's expecting a fulfilling sex life, she's deluding herself - porn aside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspector71 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Ha...that's what I thought too. He's 59, so he's not able to have sex with me everyday. I garnered some peace thinking that; accepted that as the reason for our sex life and moved on. Then finding out that he's able to get it up to masturbate everyday...well, on top of the porn, I feel like I've been lied to and doublely rejected. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 ITT: Women that can't separate sex from masturbation. In other news... the OP mentioned in another thread that she's 25 and he's 59. If she's expecting a fulfilling sex life, she's deluding herself - porn aside. Sorry, but If you're masturbating to porn every chance you get while your partner is complaining repeatedly about their sexual needs not being met,there is a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 How many times do I have to say that to men, masturbation and sex are not connected before you get it? ITT: Women that can't separate sex from masturbation Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Inspector71, The path you are walking is a dangerous one. How important is your marriage to you? I don't think the "porn when apart" thing is important in this discussion. In fact I'm not sure that "porn" that comes off cable television is actually pornographic. It is very "soft core". IMO it's just a bunch of silly women with medically enhanced breasts prancing around semi naked. In any case masturbation seems preferable to promiscuity... doesen't it? From reading your post I appears to me that this is more about control. Control over what your husband does and even thinks. You were together and told him you would need "extra affection" to "feel secure"... what the hell are you talking about? That "extra affection" was a pennance, a punishment.. when did you start linking making love to punishment? There are much bigger problems here than soft pornography. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspector71 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 He says that he did it because he was stressed because of the separation and had no other options (i.e., going out and having sex with other women, because we were married). I asked him why he can masturbate now without porn, and he couldn't then, and he doesn't have an answer. It's the lack of answers...the lack of an apology...that's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm falling into a depression. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspector71 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Inspector71, The path you are walking is a dangerous one. How important is your marriage to you? I don't think the "porn when apart" thing is important in this discussion. In fact I'm not sure that "porn" that comes off cable television is actually pornographic. It is very "soft core". IMO it's just a bunch of silly women with medically enhanced breasts prancing around semi naked. In any case masturbation seems preferable to promiscuity... doesen't it? From reading your post I appears to me that this is more about control. Control over what your husband does and even thinks. You were together and told him you would need "extra affection" to "feel secure"... what the hell are you talking about? That "extra affection" was a pennance, a punishment.. when did you start linking making love to punishment? There are much bigger problems here than soft pornography. It wasn't softcore- it was hardcore, the $14.99 videos you get off Pay Per View. That's why I saw it on the cable bill; it was an additional charge. What I mean by "extra affection" to feel secure is not just sex, but as I explained to him, more hugs and kisses. I think that if he makes me feel more desired, I'll get over the feeling of him enjoying porn more than me, or preferring it more than me. I just wanted him to be less distant. The feeling of something coming between our intimacy...well, I just don't know how to repair the intimacy, so I thought by him being more affectionate and loving, it would help. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 My husband and I separated about a year ago. In December, during one of my trips to visit him (we've been trying to reconcile the whole time), I found out that he had been renting porn while we were separated. You don't say how long the separation was or the length between trips but (in your mind) what was permissible sexual conduct on your H's part during this reconcilliation process? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 It wasn't softcore- it was hardcore, the $14.99 videos you get off Pay Per View. That's why I saw it on the cable bill; it was an additional charge. What I mean by "extra affection" to feel secure is not just sex, but as I explained to him, more hugs and kisses. I think that if he makes me feel more desired, I'll get over the feeling of him enjoying porn more than me, or preferring it more than me. I just wanted him to be less distant. The feeling of something coming between our intimacy...well, I just don't know how to repair the intimacy, so I thought by him being more affectionate and loving, it would help. You don't increase the level of intimacy with threats, or trades. Masturbation using porno isn't intimate, its physical release. It's also a stress reliever. You husband isn't emotionally involved with a $14.99 girlfriend. It takes therapy and lots of time and practice to get around the things you are feeling. Some of your thought processes are clouded. Cable pornography isn't what's coming between you and your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspector71 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 We'd been separated for about two months when he started watching porn regularly. We've seen each other fairly regularly throughout the separation. I expected him to masturbate; I just didn't want him to do it to hardcore porn. Everything about it bother me- the frequency considering how often he turned me down for sex (even during my visits during the separation) all the way to the titles- this was a man who refused to talk about having children with me and was renting mostly titles with "MILF" in it. Him not talking to me about being a mother, and then renting all that...wow, you have no idea how bad that one hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 I don't know how to break this to you sweetie, but on a emotional pain level of 1-10, what your husband has done (and hasn't done) hardly makes the needle bump. You are trying to gain control. That's understandable. You are trying to take the moral high ground, also understandable. Sadly, what you are doing, you are doing because of something much deeper than Cable Porn with MILF's in the title. You need to get some helps and come to grips with what's really driving your anger and pain. It isn't going to start getting better until you give up the idea that you are, and must be "right". If not, your chances of being right, and alone are pretty large. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspector71 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 I don't know how to break this to you sweetie, but on a emotional pain level of 1-10, what your husband has done (and hasn't done) hardly makes the needle bump. You are trying to gain control. That's understandable. You are trying to take the moral high ground, also understandable. Sadly, what you are doing, you are doing because of something much deeper than Cable Porn with MILF's in the title. You need to get some helps and come to grips with what's really driving your anger and pain. It isn't going to start getting better until you give up the idea that you are, and must be "right". If not, your chances of being right, and alone are pretty large. Maybe I am trying to gain some control, but the control I am trying to gain is over feeling secure in my marriage. The reason for the separation was being he was emotional abusive. I've lived through him threatening my life, my family, insulting my looks, my intelligence, the way I speak, the way I dress, what I enjoy, my hobbies, etc. I've forgiven him for everything, and then he takes away my security and peace about our sex life- I was content. Sure, I wasn't getting it as often as I wanted, but like I said- I'd reconciled that in my head with how old he was. I couldn't help but respond to you saying I must be "right". I definitely feel like I have to be right in this- I let all of the above slide with barely an apology; just swept under the rug with a promise to "be better". But this...I don't know. I guess reading this you'll say I have bigger problems, but why this bothers me and I can forgive the rest and move forward...I don't know. But this does bother me, and I am "getting help". I've been seeing a therapist (my second, as the first thought it was unethical to treat me because my goal was to go back to my husband). Maybe I will always be alone, but I've done a damn good job in my marriage, and I guess I've reached a tipping point. THIS bothers me. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Inspector, why don't you start over and begin to talk about all the problems you have outlined, not just the porn smoke screen. There's lots of help available here at LoveShack, people who will take an interest in your situation and offer you honest opinions. Welcome to LoveShack and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 . The reason for the separation was being he was emotional abusive. I've lived through him threatening my life, my family, insulting my looks, my intelligence, the way I speak, the way I dress, what I enjoy, my hobbies, etc. I've been seeing a therapist (my second, as the first thought it was unethical to treat me because my goal was to go back to my husband). Maybe I will always be alone, but I've done a damn good job in my marriage, and I guess I've reached a tipping point. THIS bothers me. I think it's fair that your therapist didn't want to enable you to go back to such a situation. Honestly, your therapist must have believed that going back would be dangerous to your mental and physical health. Somewhere inside of you, something must be telling you that there is a better life out there for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Agree with Lakeside. The porn is a smokescreen. What you described is abuse. If your H was a great guy and treated you right, but beat off on occassion, I suspect you would not have a problem with it. It is the abuse that is the big issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 He says that he did it because he was stressed because of the separation and had no other options (i.e., going out and having sex with other women, because we were married). I asked him why he can masturbate now without porn, and he couldn't then, and he doesn't have an answer. It's the lack of answers...the lack of an apology...that's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm falling into a depression. I think you are focussing on the wrong issue here... if he was abusive to you, then THAT is the real issue, but probably you cannot deal with that, so the porn issue becomes the bigger problem -- one that you two can deal with more easily. Really, you are already halfway out of the marriage, why not seriously think about giving him up? Not for the porn, because porn is okay for someone who is masturbating -- sure it hurts your ego because he turned YOU down for sex and released himself instead... but that's not the big issue in your marriage. Your day to day relationship with this man is in trouble, it's the abuse which is not acceptable. Frankly, at your age, you can do much better than get a 60 year old man... he seems to have a lot of issues, and not much going for him... why do you want him? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 I agree. The age difference is just too huge and you guys are not lined up physically. Absolutely nothing wrong with being 60. But, almost no one that age is going to have as frequent an interest in the physical side. And, it will get worse with your drive naturally going up and his declining. I think some May /December marriages may work if the younget person is not all that physically inclined or you have an older partner with really good DNA in this area. But, still, when you hit 38 or so and are really driven, how old is he going to be? Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Personally, I don't see what a 25 year old and a 59 year old would really have in common anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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