He gave up the porn...why can't I get over it?

[taylor]

I agree with Taylor on making a decent assessment. It is tough to know, however.

For what it is worth, I was married to a woman 16 years younger than me and we had 3 kids. In my estimation, whe was personality disordered , so this may not be representative. But, it was the lonliest existence I have ever known. If not for my kids, who all started exceeding her intellectual capability at around age 7, it would have been worse.

I was relatively recently divorced from a woman who had serially cheated and left me to raise my two sons, one with severe handicaps, alone. This 27 year old who looked like she stepped out of a Victoria's Secret Catalogue was all over me and "accidentally" became pregnant. I was pretty good looking at the time , in really good shape.

Anyway, from my perspective, it simply was not a good idea to marry someone so much younger. It ain't al lits cracked up to be.It was a nightmare for my two boys and I am relieved that she resurrected her past habit of cheating which allowed me to get out.

 

Don't know how I missed this post, Reggie.

 

So sorry you had these life experiences. Your day-to-day can't be easy.

 

It's kind of ironic..but the man I got emotionally involved with..the OM...he was raising his two children alone...one with a learning disability. His 27 year old wife left him when the kids were only 2 and 4. My heart went out to this man. He was struggling and I am sure continues to struggle with alot...not just the raising of the children...but dealing with the abandonment. He shared much of this with me..and crazy as it sounds..this is one of the major things that drew me close to him. So, from his similar experience, I can perhaps understand yours a little.

 

It takes a strong man to raise children alone.

 

About these women in your life..do you think the age difference made a difference? Or do you think you just happened to choose the wrong women...ones with character flaws, etc.?

 

My OM said he would eventually get over losing his wife but would never forgive her for abandoning the children. I, myself, could never bring myself to leave my children for any reason whatsoever.

 

He chalked everything up to her not being "mother" material...so she ran, leaving everything behind.

[Reggie]

Taylor, first wife was my age. We met in law school. She was magna cum etc. But, she had been in an affair with a married guy. Should have seen the red flags.

Once one of our sons was born with Down's and autism, she hit the bars, picking up strangers and never coming home until 2-3 in the morning. I was pretty naive and bought her stories about where she had been. Her sister finally took me aside and begged me to divorce her, telling me what ws going on and how she always was like this. So, i was on my own with my boys about 75% of the time.

Second wife, really good looking and she seemed nice. My ego was in the dumper as the result of the past infidelity and I just fell for her. Just dumb on my part. The flags were there but I ignored them.

Anyway, lesson learned, I hope> I will never get involved with someone with a history of cheating. Both these women had been involved with married guys before I met them.

[1977bella]

From what I understand, you are a beautiful 25 year old women with a good career,goals in life and plans to have babies to be able to start a family..But then again your with somebody 34 years older than you that has hurt you emotionally in the past,dosent want to even think of you as a mother,not meeting you sexual needs? I thnk you could do alot better and fulfill your dreams differently..Remember you only live once !

[gopher]

No, I don't think it's all the man's fault. But I don't think it's all the woman's fault, either, as you suggest.

 

But it takes two to make a marriage work and two to let it fall apart.

 

Did you and your wife try to deal with the drug problem? She took drugs..you didn't? Why was she taking drugs?

 

Why mention the "horny" thing? Are you saying the drugs were like a double edged sword...good in that she got horny from them, but bad in that they made her verbally and emotionally abusive?

 

Or are you saying you withdrew from her even when she was horny because you couldn't handle the emotional abuse?

 

Just trying to understand here.

 

Oh I wasn't suggesting it was all her fault, I take 50% of the responsibility.

 

Yes, she took drugs I didn't. Why she did? I have no clue, but she couldn't and didn't want to stop.

 

Not a double edge sword at all....what person male or female, wants to have sex when the only time their partner feels like it, is when he or she is drunk or high. Not exactly something that makes you feel good about yourself.

 

OP, sorry for the TJ

[Reggie]

The OP is also dealing with emotional abuse. Would you also suggest she detach..perhaps masturbate (like gopher), and then gather strength to make a final break...

 

Or do advocate her making changes in the relationship to try to close the emotional gap in the relationship...to work on the emotional intimacy..

 

How would your advice to gopher differ from your advice to inspector71, if at all?

 

The qualification I would make, Taylor , is that in Inspector's case, I thought she said the guy was improving and they were working on it. I'd tell gopher the same thing. If the abuser accepts responsiblity and gets help and there is improvement/dissapearance of the abuse, you might want to stay if you can get over the past. Some folks cannot and that is fine, as well. But, Inspector indicated a desire to stay and work things out. The abuse is a seperate issue from the age difference.

[Reggie]

No, I don't think it's all the man's fault. But I don't think it's all the woman's fault, either, as you suggest.

 

But it takes two to make a marriage work and two to let it fall apart.

 

Did you and your wife try to deal with the drug problem? She took drugs..you didn't? Why was she taking drugs?

 

Why mention the "horny" thing? Are you saying the drugs were like a double edged sword...good in that she got horny from them, but bad in that they made her verbally and emotionally abusive?

 

Or are you saying you withdrew from her even when she was horny because you couldn't handle the emotional abuse?

 

Just trying to understand here.

 

It does take two to make it work, but, especially when dealing with CD issues, it only takes one person to ruin things. Same with dealing with the disordered. There is nothing you can do.

[taylor]

It does take two to make it work, but, especially when dealing with CD issues, it only takes one person to ruin things. Same with dealing with the disordered. There is nothing you can do.

 

Completely agree with you here, Reggie. My sympathy to gopher.

 

Hard to fight against a spouse's drug addiction. It's a losing battle. Some try to "help" but just end up becoming enablers.

 

My sister-in-law tried for years and finally walked away. By the time she did she was a shell of a woman..had alot of healing to do.

 

A friend of mine, addicted to alcohol, died a couple months ago of liver failure. Her husband took care of her for 11 years as her alcohol-related health problems escalated. She was mean to him. He earned his wings.

 

Drugs not only bring down the user, but everyone around them who tries to love them.

 

Oh, and FWIW, Reggie, I hope one day you find a good woman (if you haven't already)..one you can trust..you deserve a break. You, too, have earned your wings, I think.

 

OP, also sorry for the T/J. Hope to hear from you...

[Reggie]

No wings, for me. Taylor. But, this stuff, particularly the education I got about personality disorders , has changed how I look at people. I'm pretty sure I am better off going this alone for the duration. But, I got 5 nice kids out of all this.

[taylor]

Inspector71, any word?