He gave up the porn...why can't I get over it?

[Untouchable_Fire]

It wasn't softcore- it was hardcore, the $14.99 videos you get off Pay Per View. That's why I saw it on the cable bill; it was an additional charge. What I mean by "extra affection" to feel secure is not just sex, but as I explained to him, more hugs and kisses. I think that if he makes me feel more desired, I'll get over the feeling of him enjoying porn more than me, or preferring it more than me. I just wanted him to be less distant. The feeling of something coming between our intimacy...well, I just don't know how to repair the intimacy, so I thought by him being more affectionate and loving, it would help.

 

Bottom line. He used porn when he couldn't have you. There is only a problem, when he is using porn at a time when he CAN have you.

 

Now, you two have a HUGE age difference, and unless your really fat and unattractive, you should find someone else.

[LakesideDream]

Personally, I don't see what a 25 year old and a 59 year old would really have in common anyway.

 

 

I am a 59 year old man and I can say with absolute certainty that there is nothing sexually attractive about 25 year old girls. I can't imagine I am in the minority either. Some of us old guys may wolf at the young waitress or two, but wouldn't want to catch them. There are exceptions like the above, but I believe they are very rare.

[PandorasBox]

I am a 59 year old man and I can say with absolute certainty that there is nothing sexually attractive about 25 year old girls. I can't imagine I am in the minority either. Some of us old guys may wolf at the young waitress or two, but wouldn't want to catch them. There are exceptions like the above, but I believe they are very rare.

 

 

Maybe he has money and that was the attraction for her? Who knows really.

[jmargel]

My husband and I separated about a year ago. In December, during one of my trips to visit him (we've been trying to reconcile the whole time), I found out that he had been renting porn while we were separated. One time, he even rented it everyday for a week. I was devastated. Our sex life had been a problem in our marriage- my drive was a lot higher than his. When I found out that he wouldn't have sex with me everyday, but then when I was gone, rented porn frequently and at one point everyday...well, I was devastated. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he didn't know it would hurt me. He said he wouldn't do it anymore. According to the cable bills (which I access online), he hasn't. I believe him when he says that he hasn't watched porn since I told him that it hurt me.

 

The problem is that I can't seem to get over it. I saw him this past week for the first time since I found out about the porn. I was surprised about how hard it was to be intimate with him. The second night of our trip, I told him that I would need extra affection in order to feel secure. He was immediately angry that I brought up the porn again. He still refuses to apologize, because he says that it wasn't a mistake. What he did wasn't wrong- it's only wrong that it hurt me, and he won't do it again because he doesn't want to hurt me. Part of me knows this should be good enough- he won't do it again. But a big, nagging part of me wants an apology and for him to admit he made a mistake, and then to make it up to me by showing me an inceased amount of love and support (which he says is asking too much because he's too introverted). I really want our marriage to work, and we've worked through so many other issues. If anyone has any advice- please, help me. How do I get past this?

 

Wow.. Honestly, if I was your husband I would have left you a long time ago.

 

The problem here is not his porn, it's your insecurity. You are in general an insecure person and just set your sights on his porn viewing for a reason why you are insecure.

 

Watching porn is actually healthy, and newsflash. They are just movies. Instead of feeling so threatened by it, why not watch it with him? It's your insecurity and you pushing him away which has caused this. Is he not allowed to look at a beautiful woman that walks his way? What about talking to one? I find a woman who is confident in herself and not threatened or gets jealous over other women ALOT more attractive.

 

Being jealous and insecure over such things is immature and childish. If you continue to try to control him you will lose him. And he is right, what he's done is NOT wrong.

 

As long as the porn is not replacing the sex between you two then it can be a healthy thing to add to spice up your sex life.

[Juniper22]

Wow I'm sorry Inspector, that you were called childish and immature for YOUR feelings, bet that hurt. Some one calling another person that isn't very mature themselves.

 

Anyway hun, I hope whatever you want works out for you. I'm not going to bash you for you feelings. Let us know how things are, take care!

[angie2443]

Personally, I don't see what a 25 year old and a 59 year old would really have in common anyway.

 

When there is such a large age differance between couples, there is usually a trade off. The man usually has the money or power, that he shares with the woman in exchange for her youth. I think that is what is going on here.

[AnthonyF]

When there is such a large age differance between couples, there is usually a trade off. The man usually has the money or power, that he shares with the woman in exchange for her youth. I think that is what is going on here.

 

Duh!!!? And why do you think she hasn't responded in a while or clarified. This is a joke (though I'm sure her parents aren't laughing).

[Inspector71]

Hmm...why I haven't replied. Well, I don't think you justify a response. I'm actually phenomenal looking- I'd post a pic, but I don't for the same reason most of you don't. I've modeled, I'm stunning. I don't generally say stuff like that about myself, but since being unattractive was laid out as an accusation, I thought I'd address it- although, really, you guys are calling ME immature? HA. It's really this- I married my husband because he's a very youthful 59- former Mr. Ohio. But this is about more than attraction, although there is plenty. We are also in the same field and have PLENTY of commonalities. We work together, we research together, we publish together. Why should I let age get in the way of being able to flourish in my life and career? I do have other options; I know that. I am young and attractive. But I want it all- the great relationship AND the great career, and to be married to your "partner in crime", someone you can enjoy all facets of your life with...well, why not ask for it all?

 

Yes, this issue may stem from my insecurity. But if you read one of my responses, it's not general insecurity- I've faced a lot of verbal and emotional abuse in this relationship, and it's created a definite self-esteem problem. I think those who say that if I was more secure, then this wouldn't be a problem, are correct. Not saying it wouldn't have been an issue, but it wouldn't have bothered me so bad. Or, if this was truly the only/biggest problem in the relationship, it wouldn't be that big. But it's not the only problem, and I feel that if he's taken responsibility for demoralizing me for two years of my life (which he has), then maybe he should take responsibility for rebuilding the bonds (which, in my opinion, include feeling confident that the other person loves you and thinks positively of you). Repair needs to be done...having a porn habit does not repair.

[JackJack]

"I've faced alot of verbal and emotional abuse in this relationship."

 

I'm sorry that has happened. You both have a role in this situation. HIM for causing you verbal and emotional pain..and YOU for continuing to allow it by staying. However, if you are willing to stay for whatever reason, I hope HE is willing to own up to the hurt he has caused you and change his ways. IF HE DOES NOT, then the ball is in your court on what to do. You either stay and probably continue on with the way things have been or you move on, to a much better deserving life, one that is not filled with verbal and emotional abuse.

[Reggie]

Well, what does he say re his preference for porn? Or, does he have a preference for it? Is he just using masturbation as an occassional release?

If he is in good shape, I can see a 59 year old having sex daily. This could go on for a good long time, I suppose.

I think if he really has been abusive, you need to get into counseling for that issuue, as well. Can you guys communicate about this frequency of sex issue without things becoming hostile?

Seems a relatively easy thing to get straight if that is the main issue and each person can do some accomodating.

[JackJack]

Maybe he has masterbated to porn so much he has become decenstized to the point to where having sex with a real human body does very little for him. Any particular kind of porn he views?

[Reggie]

You seem to be skipping over the part about how when they are together he isn't interested in having sex with her.

 

He's interested in sex all right, he's just not interested in having any with the OP and sorry but that doesn't get better over time, it just gets even worse. The OP hasn't done anything wrong in wanting to be in a marriage where she's desired sexually, he's let her know very clearly that he's plenty interested in sex... just not with her.

 

I don't recall her having said this. As I read her post, she said in the past, he had been uninterested in sex on a daily basis. Not, a total lack of interest but a difference in desire re frequency.

There is a good website by a couple named Wayne and Tamara where male masturabation is discussed. Essentially, as Lakeside notes, it is a release and is not to be confused with love. Guys start doing this from early teen years and it continues throughout life, usually regardless of whether one is in a relationship or not. It is an easy, quick way to relieve sexual tension and males are wired for this. I expect females are, too.

Let's get real. All guys are beating off to some extent. And, many are using visual aids. It's been going on forever and will continue. It does not mean he does not love this woman or is uniterested in her sexually.

[wow]

He says that he did it because he was stressed because of the separation and had no other options (i.e., going out and having sex with other women, because we were married). I asked him why he can masturbate now without porn, and he couldn't then, and he doesn't have an answer. It's the lack of answers...the lack of an apology...that's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm falling into a depression.

 

The porn issue sounds like nothing more than a physical stress reliever rather than an emotional escape.

He has acknowledged that it has upset you and will not do it again.

 

So put this issue behind you and realise that it just a quick reliever. Now you can focus on building that marriage up again.

 

In regards to not having sex everyday, there is a differences between a 8min masturbation compared to an hour love session. Also just try and talk to him about it.

 

Best of luck and do not get distracted by the small stuff.

[Inspector71]

Reggie- Thanks for your comments. I'm really going to try to put this past me; I just wanted to know if anyone had some tools, or if me requesting for him to increase his affection is a bad request for me to make. I was trying to think of things he could do to help repair the intimacy.

 

I guess there is a bigger thing that bothers me...he would continue to watch it after the "release". He said he was trying to kill the loneliness, so he would just watch it for several hours, even after the release. I think that part bothers me the most. (I mean, it all bothers me, but him just watching it to watch it is especially hurtful.) Does anyone have an explanation for that?

[Inspector71]

I guess there is a bigger thing that bothers me...he would continue to watch porn after the "release". He said he was trying to kill the loneliness, so he would just watch it for several hours, even after the release. I think that part bothers me the most. (I mean, it all bothers me, but him just watching it to watch it is especially hurtful.) Does anyone have an explanation for that?

[JackJack]

I guess there is a bigger thing that bothers me...he would continue to watch porn after the "release". He said he was trying to kill the loneliness, so he would just watch it for several hours, even after the release. I think that part bothers me the most. (I mean, it all bothers me, but him just watching it to watch it is especially hurtful.) Does anyone have an explanation for that?

 

Find out where his loneliness comes from.

[Reggie]

You know, I understand a guy watching porn can be threatening. That stuff is complete fantasy and not many of us could compete with the stuff shown. I know it would be hard for me to reconcile my partner desiring me with having her fantasize about some other guy.

But, as you get older, you realize that just about everyone has a fantasy life and that with familiarity, one will often not be the subject of their fantasies. We get sold a bill of goods re how we are supposed to be wired, that "true love' means you never entertain thoughts of others. But, reality is that all folks do this. For men,it is often porn. For a lot of women it is romance novels with the "stallion like" guy with "taut, sinewy muscles' ravishing some woman "their bodies becoming as one" blah, blah.

I think you need to focus on his behavior, not his thoughts.

Chances are if he was Mr Ohio, he was quite studdly as a young man and is now really struggling with that loss. I was a good, really good, college athlete and a lot of my self esteem was tied up in that part of myself. I mourn the loss of that part of me. I can see how it would be threatening to him dealing with the prospects of physical decline while your physicality is on the rise.

His lack of interest in daily sex may be due to some decline and performance anxiety. No pressure with porn.

Does he have any ED issues, yet. If so, encourage him to check into Viagra or Cialis or Levitra. I'm in the same age brackett and, if men are honest, there is a huge % of guys in this age brackett using the stuff. It works incredibly well(well, from what I have heard ).

[soserious1]

I don't recall her having said this. As I read her post, she said in the past, he had been uninterested in sex on a daily basis. Not, a total lack of interest but a difference in desire re frequency.

There is a good website by a couple named Wayne and Tamara where male masturabation is discussed. Essentially, as Lakeside notes, it is a release and is not to be confused with love. Guys start doing this from early teen years and it continues throughout life, usually regardless of whether one is in a relationship or not. It is an easy, quick way to relieve sexual tension and males are wired for this. I expect females are, too.

Let's get real. All guys are beating off to some extent. And, many are using visual aids. It's been going on forever and will continue. It does not mean he does not love this woman or is uniterested in her sexually.

 

So after he holds his nose and lowers himself into having sex with her once a week and he's off getting his "release" via porn on a daily basis, what is she supposed to do on the other 6 days per week that he rejects her in favor of porn?

[soserious1]

You know, I understand a guy watching porn can be threatening. That stuff is complete fantasy and not many of us could compete with the stuff shown. I know it would be hard for me to reconcile my partner desiring me with having her fantasize about some other guy.

But, as you get older, you realize that just about everyone has a fantasy life and that with familiarity, one will often not be the subject of their fantasies. We get sold a bill of goods re how we are supposed to be wired, that "true love' means you never entertain thoughts of others. But, reality is that all folks do this. For men,it is often porn. For a lot of women it is romance novels with the "stallion like" guy with "taut, sinewy muscles' ravishing some woman "their bodies becoming as one" blah, blah.

I think you need to focus on his behavior, not his thoughts.

Chances are if he was Mr Ohio, he was quite studdly as a young man and is now really struggling with that loss. I was a good, really good, college athlete and a lot of my self esteem was tied up in that part of myself. I mourn the loss of that part of me. I can see how it would be threatening to him dealing with the prospects of physical decline while your physicality is on the rise.

His lack of interest in daily sex may be due to some decline and performance anxiety. No pressure with porn.

Does he have any ED issues, yet. If so, encourage him to check into Viagra or Cialis or Levitra. I'm in the same age brackett and, if men are honest, there is a huge % of guys in this age brackett using the stuff. It works incredibly well(well, from what I have heard ).

 

 

focus on his behavior? she says he frequently rejects her sexually but has no problem beating off to porn daily.. all of those things are "behaviors"

 

Being yoked in marriage to somebody, having vowed to have sex only with that person only to have that person tell you to take a hike,they aren't interested in sex with you but they're more than a little interested in self-pleasuring with porn speaks volumes. I've been there.. and the message was very clear.

[Reggie]

I think you are projecting, soserious. Read her thread. There is no mention of him acting cruelly, holding his nose etc. Nor did she indicate he was only willing to have sex one out of 7 times. You have an active imagination. And, you completely overlook the fact that he stopped when she told him it bothered her.

Sounds like you expierienced a lot of rejection and that sucks. But, you cannot read your situation into hers as the details may be very different.

[soserious1]

I think you are projecting, soserious. Read her thread. There is no mention of him acting cruelly, holding his nose etc. Nor did she indicate he was only willing to have sex one out of 7 times. You have an active imagination. And, you completely overlook the fact that he stopped when she told him it bothered her.

Sounds like you expierienced a lot of rejection and that sucks. But, you cannot read your situation into hers as the details may be very different.

 

The OP indicated that their sex life was SERIOUSLY lacking in frequency, plus, lots of guys promise to stop with the porn when what they really mean is that they're sorry they got caught and they'll hide it better next time.

 

I see lots and lots of excuses being given this guy due to his aging,chiding

the OP for not being considerate of his needs, for not repressing her sexual needs . A stark contrast to the advice given to aging woman who are also struggling with age related issues,

 

let me tell you what an aging woman gets told Reggie, she gets told that it's totally natural and normal for her age peer husband to gawk at other women and to prefer self pleasuring with porn that features 20 yr olds rather than have sex with his aging wife. Older women are told to grovel and be grateful that we ever get any sort of sexual attention at all.

 

I have yet to read a single post advising men that drooling over 20 yr old co-eds in real life or via porn is not a good way to make their aging wives feel loved, beautiful or reassured about their desirability to their husbands.

 

To all of that I say this... if you cannot keep up with your partner sexually to the point that your partner is complaining frequently and openly, then you've got no business spanking the monkey to porn.

[Reggie]

Again, I saw mwntion that he did not want sex everyday, not constant rejection. The guy is considerably older and we do not know he beats off everyday.

Women do the same thing , these days, soserious. Look at the cougar thing going on and women oogling youmger guys in front of their aging husbands.

There is a huge bias in this society against aging with folks trying to cling to youth as if it is the be all and end all. Believe me, men get the same message from women that you describe.

[taylor]

If this was a thread about a 25 year old husband complaining about his 59 year old wife and their sex life, it would be a very, very short thread.

 

Talk about gaining some perspective...

[Reggie]

If this was a thread about a 25 year old husband complaining about his 59 year old wife and their sex life, it would be a very, very short thread.

 

Talk about gaining some perspective...

Not sure I understand why it would be any different. The issue would be the same, mismatched sex drives and the wife masturbating. Why would changing the genders make things different?

[Juniper22]

Not sure I understand why it would be any different. The issue would be the same, mismatched sex drives and the wife masturbating. Why would changing the genders make things different?

 

 

Maybe they would tell the wife that is masterbating to porn she needs to be more attentive to her husbands needs and if she doesn't have more sex with him he'll find it some place else, and needs get off the porn...where as if the man is watching porn and not being very attentive to his spouses needs..they would pass it off as ok and normal for him to do, and she should sit back and be ok with it. I dunno.