He gave up the porn...why can't I get over it?

[Reggie]

They might. But, that is speculation. I would view it as the same issue regardless of which gender was in the repective positions. I can't imagine it would make a difference.

I think it is pretty normal for either gender to masturbate and I know both do. That's just my opinion. thoguh.

[Juniper22]

They might. But, that is speculation. I would view it as the same issue regardless of which gender was in the repective positions. I can't imagine it would make a difference.

I think it is pretty normal for either gender to masturbate and I know both do. That's just my opinion. thoguh.

 

 

I understand what you're saying. I was just taking a stab at what might be said if the roles were reversed. I may be way off base.

[taylor]

If this was a thread about a 25 year old husband complaining about his 59 year old wife and their sex life, it would be a very, very short thread.

 

Talk about gaining some perspective...

 

Didn't mean to create so much speculation.

 

Actually, I wasn't focusing much at all on the sex part.

 

It's the AGE DIFFERENCE that has me baffled.

 

If a 25 year old man came on here and said he felt insecure because his 59 year old wife was more interested in porn than in him I would say (and I think most of the 20-something year old men would agree):

 

Are you kidding? What the H*** are you doing with a 59 year old woman old enough to be your grandmother.

 

You are upset and insecure because a woman old enough to be your grandmother would rather masturbate than have sex with you?

 

LMAO!!!

 

*******

 

OP, you are wasting your youth. Divorce this man. Let him have his porn to keep him company. Find yourself a 25 year old mate who can ROCK YOUR WORLD in the bedroom. Get married, have babies, and let the 59 year old babysit while you get it on. Your kids can call him grandpa.

 

You don't need this man for your career or for your sexual satisfaction. I am sure you can handle your career quite nicely on your own and there are plenty of young men in this world who would love to show you how desireable you are.

[Reggie]

I agree. We are taught that true love can overcome the more practical things, like having your physical needs met. And, despite his abilityto meet those needs now,the age difference is pretty huge and that will not always be the case. Folks need to consider this when entering a marriage.

No need to bash this guy, though. Some 59 year olds are very good looking and virile. If he was a bodybuilder, this may well be the case. So, I can understand the attraction.

Life is full of trade offs and this may be one that works for her. He has shown a willingness to give up the porn and, apparently, has followed through. There is no indication that he completely rejected her. It would be surprising if he desired sex as frequently as one so young. I would expect an adult woman to realize this when entering a marriage with someone so much older.

I don't think it is grounds for divorce if he is trying. I expect their vows did not include this qualification. He mayhave many more good years of sexual activity if he maintains his health.

[Reggie]

Again , I don't think gender changes the analysis. Folks have different priorities for their relationships. i would not understand the attraction to someone so much older. but, I would not criticize someone's choice in that regard.

[AnthonyF]

I'll be careful with my wording as I have been very harsh to the OP. Again I ask people to read the words. Also see her other post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t185781/

 

There are a number of flags that are raised.

 

1. She does not want people to comment on the 34 year age gap, yet it is the reason for both posts.

2. She claims to be a very attractive, smart 25 year old in a turbulent marriage (4 years) with a 59 year old, who is not only her husband, but mentor and they publish papers together. He has told her that he is responsible for much of her success and monetary gain.

3. He has told to to sign a Post-nup.

4. She claims to be a very sexual person, wanting sex daily. I don't care what you say, but that can not be an easy task for a 59 year old. I don't care how verile you are.

5. 59 and 25 year olds are not a normal relationship and the OP has been very tight lipped in explaining details about the situation (ie. kids/ex wives/grand children/ homes)..... These all affect the relationship greatly. 6. In reading her posts you can see his psychological tactics in putting her down and explaining his superiority .

7. No matter what that 35 year age gap will affect not just sex, but every part of her life (social/family). Sorry if I find it questionable.

8. How can a 25 year old be in a temultuous relationship, which includes separation, financial conflict.... and then claim as she did on another post that her family was okay with the marriage.

 

 

I think I should commend many on LS for their honest responses to her question, where they only answer the question asked. However I choose to be more critical (or paternal) in my response and question the relationship and want to understand why the relationship exists in the first place and how it can be sustained.

[taylor]

Again , I don't think gender changes the analysis. Folks have different priorities for their relationships. i would not understand the attraction to someone so much older. but, I would not criticize someone's choice in that regard.

 

If a 25 year old guy told his 3 best friends that his 60 year old wife wasn't giving him enough sex and he was upset and feeling insecure about it, how do you think the 3 friends would respond? What would they say to him?

 

If a 25 year old guy told his mother or father that he was having sexual problems with his 60 year old wife, what do you think they would say to him?

 

I would like to know what advice the OP's best friend, mother, or father has given her.

[Reggie]

I simply do not know, Taylor. I expect, though, their advice would be pretty much the same as the advice/opinions given to a young woman married to an older man.

What makes you think it would be any different in the reverse situation? Essentially, as you can see from the comments here, folks seem to question the wisdom of this type of age gap regardless of the genders occupying the roles.

Do you think folks look more askance at the reverse situation. Tons of older women are involved with younger guys these days. So , what makes you think that the advice would be different.

In fact , due to the physical requirements for sex, an older woman may be more suited to having a physical relationship with a younger guy.

[taylor]

I simply do not know, Taylor. I expect, though, their advice would be pretty much the same as the advice/opinions given to a young woman married to an older man.

What makes you think it would be any different in the reverse situation? Essentially, as you can see from the comments here, folks seem to question the wisdom of this type of age gap regardless of the genders occupying the roles.

Do you think folks look more askance at the reverse situation. Tons of older women are involved with younger guys these days. So , what makes you think that the advice would be different.

In fact , due to the physical requirements for sex, an older woman may be more suited to having a physical relationship with a younger guy.

 

Reggie,

 

It took 23 posts before any real discussion centered around the AGE DIFFERENCE between this couple...which I believe is the crux of their whole marital problem. Why talk about porn, emotional intimacy, physical attributes, etc. when there is an issue as GLARING as this age difference is.

 

I just believe if a 25 year old man posted here saying he was having sex problems with his 60 year old woman the AGE DIFFERENCE would have been addressed front and center by post #2.

 

And by post number 5 there would have been at least one or two 20-something year old males urging him to stop wasting his time and youth, go to the nearest bar, pick up a hot 18 year old girl, and get his self-esteem back.

 

And by post #10 there would have been a few posters just shaking their heads in disblief.

 

What to do about the porn would have taken a back seat or never would have made it to discussion. It would have paled in comparison to the whole age difference issue.

 

If a gunshot victim is lying in the ER with blood soaking his clothes, are you going to address the bleeding or worry about getting the stains out of the clothes?

 

I agree with everything Anthony F said above.

 

(I will give Enema credit for mentioning age difference first, in post #8, but there was no real discussion about it until much farther along in the thread)

[taylor]

Do you think folks look more askance at the reverse situation. Tons of older women are involved with younger guys these days. So , what makes you think that the advice would be different.

In fact , due to the physical requirements for sex, an older woman may be more suited to having a physical relationship with a younger guy.

 

I think an age gap of 34 years would be viewed the same, regardless of gender. It would stick out like a sore thumb in either case. It would be so glaring that it would be difficult to see any other issues in the marriage through the glare.

 

Yet, on this thread, posters did look past the glare to address the porn issue which, IMO, is minor compared to the age difference. I don't know why. Perhaps because it's more commonplace to see younger women with older men than older women with younger men but COME ON...34 YEARS!!!!

 

A 34 year age gap should immediately raise concern regardless of gender.

 

In this case it didn't, at least not for 23 posts. I don't know why.

 

And yes, I agree, an older woman may be better suited to a younger guy, but even then...a 34 year stretch IS a stretch.

[AnthonyF]

Reggie,

 

It took 23 posts before any real discussion centered around the AGE DIFFERENCE between this couple...which I believe is the crux of their whole marital problem. Why talk about porn, emotional intimacy, physical attributes, etc. when there is an issue as GLARING as this age difference is.

 

I just believe if a 25 year old man posted here saying he was having sex problems with his 60 year old woman the AGE DIFFERENCE would have been addressed front and center by post #2.

 

And by post number 5 there would have been at least one or two 20-something year old males urging him to stop wasting his time and youth, go to the nearest bar, pick up a hot 18 year old girl, and get his self-esteem back.

 

And by post #10 there would have been a few posters just shaking their heads in disblief.

 

What to do about the porn would have taken a back seat or never would have made it to discussion. It would have paled in comparison to the whole age difference issue.

 

If a gunshot victim is lying in the ER with blood soaking his clothes, are you going to address the bleeding or worry about getting the stains out of the clothes?

 

I agree with everything Anthony F said above.

 

(I will give Enema credit for mentioning age difference first, in post #8, but there was no real discussion about it until much farther along in the thread)

 

I have been put on notice because I had the gall to question her and "metaphorically" try and shake some sense into her. She reported me. I frankly don't fully believe her story and compared to what some people (very hurt, with deep emotional wounds) say on this forum (Infedelity) I thought I was going easy.

 

Your analogy about a 25 yo male with a 60 female (a true cougar) is spot on, as is the hypothesized posts. I find it fascinating that people are actually trying to give her advise as if there is no age gap.

 

I admit I am a yenta, and freely give my opinion here. In this case as I've said before I think someone needs to shake some sense in to this woman, if she is as smart, beautiful and mature as she claims to be.

[taylor]

OMG, just read the OP's other thread that Anthony F highlighted above.

 

Financial problems, too, huh?

 

It all comes down to age difference but she can't see it. Like trying to put a square block in a round hole.

 

You can address the porn issue, the sex issue, the emotional abuse issue, the financial issue, but there will always be another issue because you can't change a 34 year age gap...I don't care how many weights he lifts, how many Viagra he pops, or how much hair dye he uses.

 

If you need money, get a loan.

 

If you need a father figure, find a platonic male friend to confide in.

 

If you want sex, find another 25 year old whose looking for an attractive, educated woman.

 

OP, of course you don't want to talk about age difference because you know this is the crux of your marital problems and there is no way to change that reality. Sorry, but it is true.

 

I'm guessing others in your life have tried to tell you this as well.

 

Why elope?

[taylor]

I would not understand the attraction to someone so much older. but, I would not criticize someone's choice in that regard.

 

It's not CRITICIZING a person's choice to marry someone 34 years their senior.

 

It's recognizing that this choice in and of itself can be problematic for even the most star-struck lovers.

[AnthonyF]

It's not CRITICIZING a person's choice to marry someone 34 years their senior.

 

It's recognizing that this choice in and of itself can be problematic for even the most star-struck lovers.

 

Of course it has worked for Rupert Murdoch & Wendy Deng ..... However read up on Deng and I'm sure there are some issues she needs resolved....

[taylor]

Of course it has worked for Rupert Murdoch & Wendy Deng ..... However read up on Deng and I'm sure there are some issues she needs resolved....

 

The saddest thing about this couple is they have a 5 yo and a 7 yo whose Daddy is 78 years old.

 

Sounds like he's the one with issues. He's on his third wife with no break in between.

[Reggie]

The saddest thing about this couple is they have a 5 yo and a 7 yo whose Daddy is 78 years old.

 

Sounds like he's the one with issues. He's on his third wife with no break in between.

 

Don't know much about their marriage. But, why are the "issues" confined to him? She married him and may have her own "issues".

Presumably, she did a cost/ benefit analysis.

[Reggie]

I think an age gap of 34 years would be viewed the same, regardless of gender. It would stick out like a sore thumb in either case. It would be so glaring that it would be difficult to see any other issues in the marriage through the glare.

 

Yet, on this thread, posters did look past the glare to address the porn issue which, IMO, is minor compared to the age difference. I don't know why. Perhaps because it's more commonplace to see younger women with older men than older women with younger men but COME ON...34 YEARS!!!!

 

A 34 year age gap should immediately raise concern regardless of gender.

 

In this case it didn't, at least not for 23 posts. I don't know why.

 

And yes, I agree, an older woman may be better suited to a younger guy, but even then...a 34 year stretch IS a stretch.

 

Taylor, I disagree that the genders would have made a difference in folks response. Actually, maybe I cannot disagree as I have not seen any of the reverse situations posted.

But, you must admit that your take is pure speculation re whether the response would have been diffferent and the age issue would have come up sooner. What do you base this on? Can you point me to similar posts withthe reverse situation as examples?

It seems to me that you are just assuming your conclusion without support.

[Reggie]

It's not CRITICIZING a person's choice to marry someone 34 years their senior.

 

It's recognizing that this choice in and of itself can be problematic for even the most star-struck lovers.

 

Folks make choices to marry despite potential problems all the time. Sometimes , they overcome them or they never crop up. Now, there may be a problem re sex drive differences. They need to try to resolve it or move on.

[taylor]

Well, I guess we all have issues. Who doesn't?

 

I'm sure she has issues, too. But in my 2.5 minutes of research on this couple, there was far more personal info on him than her.

 

This is at least her second marriage..both men far older than her..and both very capable of providing her with a comfortable lifestyle and anything else she wants, albeit a youthful hard body to have sex with.

 

I just don't know how a 40 yo woman could be turned on by a nearly 80 year old man, given the choice of any man within a more reasonable age group, say 30 to 50. What would be the physical attraction..his eyes? And if she isn't physically attracted to him, I don't see how she can have sex with him on a regular basis even if she considers it a trade for something else she wants. Has desperation written all over it.

[taylor]

Taylor, I disagree that the genders would have made a difference in folks response. Actually, maybe I cannot disagree as I have not seen any of the reverse situations posted.

But, you must admit that your take is pure speculation re whether the response would have been diffferent and the age issue would have come up sooner. What do you base this on? Can you point me to similar posts withthe reverse situation as examples?

It seems to me that you are just assuming your conclusion without support.

 

Reggie,

 

When 25 yo men start drooling over porn videos with 59 yo women in them I will think differently.

 

And I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a 25 yo old male to post about his marital problems with his 60 yo wife. He would be a rare male indeed.

 

I would love to see some 25 yo males respond here.

 

My comments are opinions based on my observations of human nature. They aren't facts that warrant informational support.

 

I respect your opinion. We just differ in our opinions. It's all good.

 

Like Anthony F said, I , too, found it fascinating that posters forged ahead giving her advice regarding porn while totally ignoring the age difference.

 

I think we are conditioned in society to be more accepting of a young woman with an older man than the reverse.

 

I see it every day in the singles ads...50 yo man seeking woman 30 to 50, slim and attractive.

 

You never see an ad..50 yo man seeking woman 50 to 70...

 

He wants a woman 20 years younger than himself but won't consider one 20 years older. Why would he assume a woman 20 years younger than himself would even want to be with a man 20 years older if he isn't willing to be with a woman 20 years older?

[taylor]

Folks make choices to marry despite potential problems all the time. Sometimes , they overcome them or they never crop up. Now, there may be a problem re sex drive differences. They need to try to resolve it or move on.

 

This couple has far more than sex drive problems. They are fighting over finances (retirement benefits) and procreation issues. And he's emotionally abusive and controlling.

 

It would be a cold day in H*** before I would let some guy 34 years older than me treat me the way this guy treats her or make me feel the way this OP's husband makes her feel.

 

If he was hot, charming, and a sex machine he might get away with it for awhile, but even that would be temporary.

 

If she's as "stunning", "attractive", and as "educated" as she says she is, she can have anyone she wants...someone who makes her feel good about herself...feel desireable...treats her right, with kindness, not abuse. And if she picked a young one she wouldn't have to fight with him over his retirement benefits...and he might actually want offspring with her.

[Reggie]

Well, I guess we all have issues. Who doesn't?

 

I'm sure she has issues, too. But in my 2.5 minutes of research on this couple, there was far more personal info on him than her.

 

This is at least her second marriage..both men far older than her..and both very capable of providing her with a comfortable lifestyle and anything else she wants, albeit a youthful hard body to have sex with.

 

I just don't know how a 40 yo woman could be turned on by a nearly 80 year old man, given the choice of any man within a more reasonable age group, say 30 to 50. What would be the physical attraction..his eyes? And if she isn't physically attracted to him, I don't see how she can have sex with him on a regular basis even if she considers it a trade for something else she wants. Has desperation written all over it.

 

Yes, but this is not about what turns you on. She may be different. Folks have all types of turn ons that I do not understand for me. Does not mean my values are correct. It is a consensual relationship which may work for her.

[AnthonyF]

This couple has far more than sex drive problems. They are fighting over finances (retirement benefits) and procreation issues. And he's emotionally abusive and controlling.

 

It would be a cold day in H*** before I would let some guy 34 years older than me treat me the way this guy treats her or make me feel the way this OP's husband makes her feel.

 

If he was hot, charming, and a sex machine he might get away with it for awhile, but even that would be temporary.

 

If she's as "stunning", "attractive", and as "educated" as she says she is, she can have anyone she wants...someone who makes her feel good about herself...feel desireable...treats her right, with kindness, not abuse. And if she picked a young one she wouldn't have to fight with him over his retirement benefits...and he might actually want offspring with her.

 

Quit making so much sense!!!! Reggie I have no idea why you are ven make the comments you are unless you just are argumentative by nature.

 

As for Wendy Deng, she has a few billion reasons for thinking differently (as opposed to $400,000) + 2 kids. Read more and you will see speculation that her first marriage ended when she was caught with someone more age appropriate (i.e. half her spouse's age).

[Reggie]

This couple has far more than sex drive problems. They are fighting over finances (retirement benefits) and procreation issues. And he's emotionally abusive and controlling.

 

It would be a cold day in H*** before I would let some guy 34 years older than me treat me the way this guy treats her or make me feel the way this OP's husband makes her feel.

 

If he was hot, charming, and a sex machine he might get away with it for awhile, but even that would be temporary.

 

If she's as "stunning", "attractive", and as "educated" as she says she is, she can have anyone she wants...someone who makes her feel good about herself...feel desireable...treats her right, with kindness, not abuse. And if she picked a young one she wouldn't have to fight with him over his retirement benefits...and he might actually want offspring with her.

 

Hopefully you would not tolerate abuse regardless of age.

And, we have no clue as to his physical attractiveness or sexual prowess. He could well be more proficient than a younger man. We simply know he did not want it everyday. Many younger guys would ,after the novelty is gone, like it less frequently.

[Reggie]

Reggie,

 

When 25 yo men start drooling over porn videos with 59 yo women in them I will think differently.

 

And I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a 25 yo old male to post about his marital problems with his 60 yo wife. He would be a rare male indeed.

 

I would love to see some 25 yo males respond here.

 

My comments are opinions based on my observations of human nature. They aren't facts that warrant informational support.

 

I respect your opinion. We just differ in our opinions. It's all good.

 

Like Anthony F said, I , too, found it fascinating that posters forged ahead giving her advice regarding porn while totally ignoring the age difference.

 

I think we are conditioned in society to be more accepting of a young woman with an older man than the reverse.

 

I see it every day in the singles ads...50 yo man seeking woman 30 to 50, slim and attractive.

 

You never see an ad..50 yo man seeking woman 50 to 70...

 

He wants a woman 20 years younger than himself but won't consider one 20 years older. Why would he assume a woman 20 years younger than himself would even want to be with a man 20 years older if he isn't willing to be with a woman 20 years older?

 

Well, Taylor, we have different expieriences, then. I often see men advertising for women in their same age bracket. And, I have seen many, many ads from women looking for younger men.

I could point you to many ads on Match that refute your assertion.

If a young woman finds someone older more attractive, who cares. This is about her preference, not mine or yours.

I expect the focus was on the porn because that was the point of her inquiry. I assumed that the age thing was not an issue for her. She did not mention a physical inability on his part.