He gave up the porn...why can't I get over it?

[taylor]

Yes, but this is not about what turns you on. She may be different. Folks have all types of turn ons that I do not understand for me. Does not mean my values are correct. It is a consensual relationship which may work for her.

 

Well, whatever floats her boat. Far be it from me to knock the wind out of her sails. If it's working for her...GREAT. I'm happy for her.

[taylor]

Hopefully you would not tolerate abuse regardless of age.

And, we have no clue as to his physical attractiveness or sexual prowess. He could well be more proficient than a younger man. We simply know he did not want it everyday. Many younger guys would ,after the novelty is gone, like it less frequently.

 

As a 25 yo woman I would have found just about any 25 yo man more physically attractive than any 59 yo man. Actually I probably never would have even made any such comparison. It would never have crossed my mind. Nor would how proficient a 59 yo man was in bed ever have crossed my mind, ie, I would never have concurrent thoughts of sex and 59 yo men.

 

Probably the only thought I would have had about a 59 year old guy I met at 25 would have been something totally asexual, such as, "i wonder if he went to school with my dad/grandpa?"

[taylor]

Well, Taylor, we have different expieriences, then. I often see men advertising for women in their same age bracket. And, I have seen many, many ads from women looking for younger men.

I could point you to many ads on Match that refute your assertion.

 

Yes, BUT, how many ads do you see where men are looking for women 30 tp 35 years older than they are? That's the point I'm trying to make.

 

 

If a young woman finds someone older more attractive, who cares. This is about her preference, not mine or yours.

 

Of course its her perogative to choose whomever she wants. But she also needs to realize that choosing someone 34 years her senior will come with its own unique set of issues and problems that she might not otherwise have to deal with.

 

I get the impression from reading this OP's posts that her husband patronizes her..he wants to have total control over her..he wants to be the one to make all the decisions..the one with all the power. It doesn't seem like an equitable union. Just my opinion, based on what she wrote thus far.

 

 

I expect the focus was on the porn because that was the point of her inquiry. I assumed that the age thing was not an issue for her.

 

And this is where we differ, Reggie. I see the age difference as the main problem. All the other issues fall under this big umbrella, IMO.

 

And I still believe posters would jump on the age difference the minute a 25 yo man came on here listing a myriad of problems he was having with his 60 yo wife.

 

Where are all those feisty, outspoken young male posters that lurk on this forum..Never around when you need 'em. I think they're all over on the dating forum or, more likely, the sex forum.

[Reggie]

As a 25 yo woman I would have found just about any 25 yo man more physically attractive than any 59 yo man. Actually I probably never would have even made any such comparison. It would never have crossed my mind. Nor would how proficient a 59 yo man was in bed ever have crossed my mind, ie, I would never have concurrent thoughts of sex and 59 yo men.

 

Probably the only thought I would have had about a 59 year old guy I met at 25 would have been something totally asexual, such as, "i wonder if he went to school with my dad/grandpa?"

 

Again, your values. This is not about you.

[AnthonyF]

Are you like this with everyone you engage in conversation? You just want to debate regardless of what sense you make? I've read your posts and they seldom address the OP and her question or the reason behind it (age). You are the one projecting that he is a virile, handsome 59 year old who is not out of place with gorgeous 25 year old co-eds, who is a stud in the bedroom.....

[AnthonyF]

For those following this post, I did have to check the Op's other posts, as she divulges only bits and pieces.... Here is her post in the Separation & Divorce section....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t181938/

 

Truly an interesting case study.....

[taylor]

Again, your values. This is not about you.

 

Reggie,

 

It truly does not matter to me or to anyone else on this forum who she marries...it could be someone 50 years older.

 

My only point is that she should realize that choosing to marry someone with such an age difference can result in problems specifically due to that difference.

 

Ignoring the age difference does her a disservice, IMO.

 

Truce, please?

[Reggie]

Are you like this with everyone you engage in conversation? You just want to debate regardless of what sense you make? I've read your posts and they seldom address the OP and her question or the reason behind it (age). You are the one projecting that he is a virile, handsome 59 year old who is not out of place with gorgeous 25 year old co-eds, who is a stud in the bedroom.....

 

 

I simply do not know what the guy is like. But, Taylor's preferences in this area are, apparently, not this young woman's. Yet, we continue to hear how Taylor would not feel attracted to the guy.

Anthony, you need to get some remedial reading comprehension skills, IMO. You've been all over this young woamn, on some sort of rampage. What is up with that. It is noen of your business if she finds and older guy attactive, nor is it Taylor's.

She asked about porn and frequency and getting over his past porn deal, not the age difference thing.Apparently, that is not an issue for her. Why it is for you and Taylor is your problem.

[Reggie]

Reggie,

 

It truly does not matter to me or to anyone else on this forum who she marries...it could be someone 50 years older.

 

My only point is that she should realize that choosing to marry someone with such an age difference can result in problems specifically due to that difference.

 

Ignoring the age difference does her a disservice, IMO.

 

Truce, please?

 

Truce sounds good, Taylor. You are right, like many other things in life, an age difference can cause issues. But, this was her choice, her attraction, her life and there is nothing inherently wrong in her attraction to this fellow.

[AnthonyF]

I simply do not know what the guy is like. But, Taylor's preferences in this area are, apparently, not this young woman's. Yet, we continue to hear how Taylor would not feel attracted to the guy.

Anthony, you need to get some remedial reading comprehension skills, IMO. You've been all over this young woamn, on some sort of rampage. What is up with that. It is noen of your business if she finds and older guy attactive, nor is it Taylor's.

She asked about porn and frequency and getting over his past porn deal, not the age difference thing.Apparently, that is not an issue for her. Why it is for you and Taylor is your problem.

 

 

Missing the point and more obvious you just want to debate. I have only pointed out this woman's posts and the issues inherent in them. This is so little to do with porn or money..... I never even questioned whether this woman finds her 59 yo attractive. I stated and will say it yet again, that all her posts and issues all are due to the age difference.....

 

My posts very simply want her to realize that. She can do whatever she wants, but is deluded to think the age agp has nothing to do with it.

[Reggie]

Age may have a lot to do with it. My point was that Taylor's view on the attractivenss of an old guy to her is not material.

No doubt the age thing may pose some challenges. But, the inital post was an inquiry into how to get past his old porn thing and previous rejections.

There was no mention that she found him unattactive or that he lacked the physical abiliyt to have sex as frequently as she awanted.

So, who cares if Taylor finds old guys attractive?

Yeah, and I don't mind debating. Problem with that?

[taylor]

Truce sounds good, Taylor. You are right, like many other things in life, an age difference can cause issues. But, this was her choice, her attraction, her life and there is nothing inherently wrong in her attraction to this fellow.

 

I would not want to be with a man 34 years older than me regardless of his physical attributes.

 

I would not want to be with a man who was so emotionally abusive and threatening that I feared for my safety.

 

I would not want to be with a man bent on making sure I got "nothing" if we divorced.

 

I would not want to be with a man who didn't want children with me.

 

I would not want to be with a man who wanted to control me, dominate me, and who criticized the way I looked, talked, acted.

 

I would not be with a man who chose porn over me.

 

 

BUT these ARE MY values. Not hers. THIS IS her life. This IS what she is attracted to and there is nothing inherently wrong with it (I guess) if that's what she's attracted to. She chose it. It IS none of my business. I wish her luck. She's going to need it.

[taylor]

Age may have a lot to do with it. My point was that Taylor's view on the attractivenss of an old guy to her is not material.

No doubt the age thing may pose some challenges. But, the inital post was an inquiry into how to get past his old porn thing and previous rejections.

There was no mention that she found him unattactive or that he lacked the physical abiliyt to have sex as frequently as she awanted.

 

You said in a post above that the OP has no issue with age difference and you wonder why Anthony F and I do. Well, you apparently do, too, Reggie. You say so yourself here.

 

Who cares if Taylor doesn't find old guys attractive?

 

The point of this post was not to share my preference in men..but to make a point that MOST 25 year old women probably are not sexually attracted to 59 year old men, mainly because of the age difference. The age difference would prevent them from considering this aged man as relationship/marriage material for many different reasons.

 

This woman perhaps found this man sexually attractive, but he has many other strikes against him that many would consider deal breakers...age difference, porn, emotionally abusive, threatening, no desire to have children with OP. Any one of those strikes would be enough to stop some women from marrying, but not this OP.

 

My question is WHAT does this man have that outweighs all of the above "strikes" unless of course she does not see any of these "strikes" as "strikes."

 

She is putting up with alot for.....what?

[Reggie]

Maybe she will tell us. Some folks don't mind old. Some folks don't want kids. And, are we sure he is abusive? That is a word that gets thrown around a lot and we typically don't here both sides of the story.

I have no problem if she finds the issues to be too much. Apparently, many people do find folks out of their age group attractive enough to marry. It does not seem to be am issue for her.

[AnthonyF]

You said in a post above that the OP has no issue with age difference and you wonder why Anthony F and I do. Well, you apparently do, too, Reggie. You say so yourself here.

 

 

 

The point of this post was not to share my preference in men..but to make a point that MOST 25 year old women probably are not sexually attracted to 59 year old men, mainly because of the age difference. The age difference would prevent them from considering this aged man as relationship/marriage material for many different reasons.

 

This woman perhaps found this man sexually attractive, but he has many other strikes against him that many would consider deal breakers...age difference, porn, emotionally abusive, threatening, no desire to have children with OP. Any one of those strikes would be enough to stop some women from marrying, but not this OP.

 

My question is WHAT does this man have that outweighs all of the above "strikes" unless of course she does not see any of these "strikes" as "strikes."

 

She is putting up with alot for.....what?

 

Really Taylor there is no point trying to convince Reggie or the OP..... As for her attraction, she has said he is brilliant, the pre-eminent expert in their chosen field and compared him and his association to his field to Elvis & Rock & Roll. To top it off, all his expertise and celebrity status (read her posts) and he only has $400,000 in retirement savings?!?! Sorry if I think she is wearing rose coloured glasses....

 

And again I want a poll of 59 year olds who can keep up with a 25 yo who wants sex daily..... I would imagine there as easy to find as 25 years olds who find 59 year olds attractive....

[taylor]

Really Taylor there is no point trying to convince Reggie or the OP..... As for her attraction, she has said he is brilliant, the pre-eminent expert in their chosen field and compared him and his association to his field to Elvis & Rock & Roll. To top it off, all his expertise and celebrity status (read her posts) and he only has $400,000 in retirement savings?!?! Sorry if I think she is wearing rose coloured glasses....

 

The man may be intelligent and perhaps brilliant in his field. Many may admire him for this. But it isn't a reason to marry him. She could have admired him..attended his seminars, read his books or papers, assisted him with his research (or whatever), heck...wrote a book about him...BUT it doesn't mean he was MR RIGHT in terms of marriage. They may be totally incompatible. There union doesn't sound as if it's been a good one from the get go.

 

Not trying to convince Reggie of anything..but I hope the OP continues to read even if she doesn't want to post. And I hope far more posters will offer her their advice on the state of her marriage and where she should go from her.

 

I agree, she needs to remove those rose-colored glasses. He may be brilliant in his field, but I don't think the same can be said about her marriage to him.

 

In one of her posts she puts the problems in the marriage on herself...as if she is doing everything wrong..and she doesn't know how to make it right. Poor girl. She doesn't realize SHE is NOT the root of the problem.

 

 

And again I want a poll of 59 year olds who can keep up with a 25 yo who wants sex daily..... I would imagine there as easy to find as 25 years olds who find 59 year olds attractive....

 

True. And again, I want to say that "attractiveness" extends far beyond physical attributes. I think men and women look at many aspects of a prospective mate before taking that leap.

 

I would venture to say a 25 yo man would find a 59 yo woman to be a "mother" figure to him...a young man who needs nurturing. And he would have to be a man who wanted no biological children seeing as his wife would be past child-bearing age. I would also think finding similar interests would be somewhat difficult with this kind of age gap. And certainly they would not be on the same page in terms of dreams and aspirations..he'd would just be jump-starting a career and she would be winding down, looking forward to retirement.

 

 

I think the same can be said, in reverse, between a 25 yo woman (like the OP) and her 59 yo husband.

 

The age difference makes compatibility difficult in many ways.

[Inspector71]

Hello all,

 

I didn't get to all of the replies yet...I was out of town. However, I did read a couple pages since I last posted and felt I should provide more details.

 

This is my first marriage. I've never been with someone more than 9 years older than me prior to this. This is my husband's second marriage; he was married once before in his 20's. Neither of us have any children. This isn't about gold-digging for me; and not about robbing the cradle for him. He's never been with someone as young as me long term. I didn't meet him on some "quest" to find an older, rich man. We were co-workers and fell in love. I wasn't out actively looking for this. I sure as hell wasn't looking for this kind of age difference- anyone who thinks this is in any way convenient is a fool. I have to live with the fact everyday that I'll be a young widow- but, I told myself when I got married that I'd rather have 20 years of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special. I didn't find it weird in any way because he is very youthful, virile, works out regularly, and doesn't have any kids my age (or at all). We both are in the same field and want the exact same things out of life. As far as my friends and family are concerned, they know that I've always been career-oriented and mature, as opposed to a "party girl". They prefer that I'm with someone who is not out drinking every night, going to clubs, etc. I've never been at that point in my life. My husband and I mesh. Not to say that we don't have serious problems. He has been emotionally abusive. We do have disagreeing opinions on finances (like a lot of marriages). He wants a child, I want a child...don't know where people think we differ on that- my only concern is his ability to have a child. You can call these all age-related differences, but if I was with someone who was my age, there would most likely be a whole new set of age-related differences- commitment, infidelity, etc. I'm sure there are plenty of men in their 20's who could prove me wrong, but, buried in my work, I met my husband and he offered me all of it- a great life and great career.

 

What I mean when I say to ignore the age difference is this- if I had posted on here that my 25 year old husband, or 35 year old husband, was looking at porn, what would you all say? Something different than everyone is saying now, I'm sure. I'm only asking that people look at the issue, which is the same for a lot of couples who struggle with porn without an age difference this great between them. Porn is becoming a huge problem in relationships- Glamour devoted a lengthy article to it in the last couple months. I'm just asking for people to consider the issue in and of itself- I'm struggling with coping. Coping with knowing that my husband had turned me down for sex, claiming he couldn't do it everyday...yet he can masturbate everyday. I just don't get the difference, but perhaps some of you are right- sex and masturbation are very different for men and require different things.

 

I appreciate everyone's comments, but I wonder to those who look to be critical (AnthonyF). If you don't like my situation, or it bothers you in some way, then why don't you go try to "help" someone else? There are thousands on here looking for help. Make your statements and move on...if I've expressed that what you've said has been hurtful or bothersome, and LoveShack found it offensive and in violation of the terms of use, why is it so important for you to continue to post? Move on. To the rest of you, thank you for the support and opinons. Even if you don't agree with my situation, I appreciate everyones comments and the time to respond- negatively or positively. I'm working everyday on my marriage, and believe in the vows- as my family does, and they support me in trying to repair my marriage. Every marriage has problems. No marriage is perfect. I may have age related issues, but I have a lack of other issues- no physical violence, drug addition, infidelity, etc. Thank you all for helping me gain perspective on the issues I do face.

[Inspector71]

Yes, BUT, how many ads do you see where men are looking for women 30 tp 35 years older than they are? That's the point I'm trying to make.

 

 

 

 

Of course its her perogative to choose whomever she wants. But she also needs to realize that choosing someone 34 years her senior will come with its own unique set of issues and problems that she might not otherwise have to deal with.

 

I get the impression from reading this OP's posts that her husband patronizes her..he wants to have total control over her..he wants to be the one to make all the decisions..the one with all the power. It doesn't seem like an equitable union. Just my opinion, based on what she wrote thus far.

 

 

 

 

And this is where we differ, Reggie. I see the age difference as the main problem. All the other issues fall under this big umbrella, IMO.

 

And I still believe posters would jump on the age difference the minute a 25 yo man came on here listing a myriad of problems he was having with his 60 yo wife.

 

Where are all those feisty, outspoken young male posters that lurk on this forum..Never around when you need 'em. I think they're all over on the dating forum or, more likely, the sex forum.

 

 

LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL. OF COURSE. You just made my point, and you've been against me from the beginning! The young men are in the "dating" and "sex" forum, NOT the marriage forum. I'm sorry...I choose to play with men instead of boys. Sorry if that bothers you. My 59 year old husband is an unselfish lover...just because the frequency isn't there doesn't mean it isn't the most mind-blowing sex I've ever had! And it's sex within a marriage- I believe in marriage, I was at a point where I wanted to get married, and despite being absorbed in my work, I found someone insanely sexy (think Harrison Ford, but YOUNGER) and successful. lol This is all too funny. I've had plenty of experiences...dating, sexual, and otherwise...sex and age wasn't an issue until the pornography thing. Unmatched desires, yeah. But what is the common joke in "normal" marriages? Don't the guys want it way more than their wife? People are glaring at the age issues, as if the problems I have don't also exist in a lot of "normal" marriages. Unmatched desires is an issue in a LOT of marriages. Pornography is an issue in a LOT of marriages, unfortunately- or some kind of infidelity. Which brings me back to my original post- can someone just help me out on getting over the porn thing and moving on with my life?

 

REGGIE- BTW- You are freakin' awesome. Thank you SOOO much for your comments. You understand that the porn and age are different issues...maybe you understand that this issue occurs in marriages where there ISN'T an age difference? Thank you for your continued support! And even if it isn't a separate issue in my marriage- even if the porn is related to age (which I don't think so)- at least your comments are constructive. THANK YOU.

[Inspector71]

 

Why elope?

 

 

I hate big weddings.

[Inspector71]

Are you like this with everyone you engage in conversation? You just want to debate regardless of what sense you make? I've read your posts and they seldom address the OP and her question or the reason behind it (age). You are the one projecting that he is a virile, handsome 59 year old who is not out of place with gorgeous 25 year old co-eds, who is a stud in the bedroom.....

 

Um, but he's right. Virile and a stud...not out of place with 25 year olds. If someone is going to address it, they should have the whole picture- Reggie does. He's dead-on accurate.

[Inspector71]

For those following this post, I did have to check the Op's other posts, as she divulges only bits and pieces.... Here is her post in the Separation & Divorce section....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t181938/

 

Truly an interesting case study.....

 

 

Two seperations ago. If you want to comment on that post, comment in that forum. We're talking about pornography in this one.

[Inspector71]

I simply do not know what the guy is like. But, Taylor's preferences in this area are, apparently, not this young woman's. Yet, we continue to hear how Taylor would not feel attracted to the guy.

Anthony, you need to get some remedial reading comprehension skills, IMO. You've been all over this young woamn, on some sort of rampage. What is up with that. It is noen of your business if she finds and older guy attactive, nor is it Taylor's.

She asked about porn and frequency and getting over his past porn deal, not the age difference thing.Apparently, that is not an issue for her. Why it is for you and Taylor is your problem.

 

You're awesome Reggie. Yes, I'm asking for help on the porn thing. I am attracted to my husband. I've always been more attracted to older men- always preferred Harrison Ford to Brad Pitt, etc. We all have our proclivities, I suppose.

[Inspector71]

I would not want to be with a man 34 years older than me regardless of his physical attributes.

 

I would not want to be with a man who was so emotionally abusive and threatening that I feared for my safety.

 

I would not want to be with a man bent on making sure I got "nothing" if we divorced.

 

I would not want to be with a man who didn't want children with me.

 

I would not want to be with a man who wanted to control me, dominate me, and who criticized the way I looked, talked, acted.

 

I would not be with a man who chose porn over me.

 

 

BUT these ARE MY values. Not hers. THIS IS her life. This IS what she is attracted to and there is nothing inherently wrong with it (I guess) if that's what she's attracted to. She chose it. It IS none of my business. I wish her luck. She's going to need it.

 

Um, those aren't my values. We're separated, working on the issues you mentioned above. (Except the kid thing...he wants a baby with me, I don't know where you keep coming up with that...the only issue I've ever expressed having is if he's physically able to have a child. Desire to have one has not been an issue- only fleeting, maybe, but long passed. We plan on having a baby if this works out- but in a few years.)

 

So again...you outlined my issues...which is why weren't not together...now can you comment meaningfully on how to cope with them and work on them? Or is the only worthwhile marriage the kind that doesn't exist...the one with ZERO problems?

[Inspector71]

Really Taylor there is no point trying to convince Reggie or the OP..... As for her attraction, she has said he is brilliant, the pre-eminent expert in their chosen field and compared him and his association to his field to Elvis & Rock & Roll. To top it off, all his expertise and celebrity status (read her posts) and he only has $400,000 in retirement savings?!?! Sorry if I think she is wearing rose coloured glasses....

 

And again I want a poll of 59 year olds who can keep up with a 25 yo who wants sex daily..... I would imagine there as easy to find as 25 years olds who find 59 year olds attractive....

 

Yep, $400,000...we don't become college professors to get rich. You can be the best in your field and not be wealthy, unless MAYBE you're in the "hard" sciences (i.e., biology). Better pay. But even then to be a millionaire you have to be Stephen Hawking.

[Inspector71]

Maybe she will tell us. Some folks don't mind old. Some folks don't want kids. And, are we sure he is abusive? That is a word that gets thrown around a lot and we typically don't here both sides of the story.

I have no problem if she finds the issues to be too much. Apparently, many people do find folks out of their age group attractive enough to marry. It does not seem to be am issue for her.

 

Yeah, he was abusive- not just throwing the word around, although I do agree, people do do that. We're working on it. He's promised to do better. We've been separated for almost a year now...I've set myself up so that I have a great life even if we don't work out (accepted into a prestigious doctoral program, etc.). If I'm working this out, it's for love, and same for him- he understands I don't "need" him. He wants to be a better man, and is learning to apologize, and we're both learning timing. We are trying, but still have problems.